Prologue: Isekai Survival 101: Ignore the Tits
Synopsis: He died from Japan's soul-crushing grind and woke up in Orario. Adventurers risk life and limb? Fuck that. Shinobu is here to risk nothing and profit off every dumbass who does.
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Shinobu woke up to pain.
Not the existential kind he was now used to as a Japanese salaryman who has experienced numerous 996's. But rather, the pounding, skull-rattling kind that had him wondering if the eighth cup of coffee finally did him in.
His second thought was that he didn't remember drinking alcohol last night, so why the hell did he feel like he'd downed an izakaya's worth of cheap sake?
"Ugh…" He groaned, cracked an eye open, then immediately regretted it as sunlight stabbed his brain like divine retribution.
"Fuck me," What did he do to offend Amaterasu? Ah right, he cheated on her with Inari. But could you blame him? What did worshipping the Sun Goddess offer other than reminding him every morning that he had to drag his sorry ass to another twelve-hour shift.
Inari, on the other hand, was his ticket. Wealth, prosperity, rice on the table—if she existed, which he very much doubted, given the state of modern Japan—and an investment that had to be made sometimes. As the Chinese liked to say, "A man without long-term vision will find trouble at his doorstep." And really, the kitsune connection was just the cherry on top.
Who didn't like fox girls?
The bed under him creaked like it had survived three wars and was begging to be put down. Shinobu stayed there for a while, clutching his head and muttering profanity in several flavors. He tried piecing together his last memory—work, coffee, the vague sensation of his soul being wrung out like a wet rag—and came up blank.
Why was he on his bed? The last thing he remembered was seeing spreadsheets after spreadsheets, and the urge to put a bullet through his own head feeling like he was done with the shit called life.
"Don't tell me I actually…" The Nipponese mentally scrambled through the list of people he knew…and yeah, all of them were too pussy to have a gun.
"I'm still alive." And wasn't that a morbid thought?
Still, curiosity bullied him into sitting up. The headache didn't get better. His eyes adjusted just enough to take in his surroundings, and the first word out of his mouth was an unintelligible, "Huh."
Was he in a drug dealer's Airbnb?
The room was… disgusting. Dust everywhere, cobwebs thick in the corners. The floorboards were scuffed and stained with old boot prints. A rickety little table sat by the wall, cluttered with what looked like… was that white powder?
Shinobu squinted.
Was… was he that far gone? Did he finally snap and try cocaine at thirty yen per gram?
"That's one way to quit the corporate ladder." Maybe he should touch some grass now?
His gaze drifted across the filthy room, landing on the cracked, grime-speckled mirror propped against the wall.
And that's when he froze.
Because staring back at him wasn't the tired, overworked Japanese salaryman with permanent dark circles and a half-grown stubble.
It was a face straight out of a World War II propaganda poster. Blond hair. Sharp jaw. Blue eyes so Western it hurt.
As a Japanese who saw the whole world in black and white—black being work, society, taxes, and the daily grind, and white being those rare, fleeting hours of freedom where he could forget black existed—this was….
Shinobu couldn't even find the right words to describe how he was feeling with his head pounding like he got struck by a hammer.
"I've been isekai'd." He was able to guess this much from the very real pain that would have woken him up if this had been a dream, and the very much unfamiliar face.
"Menu? Status? System?" The lack of response made him release a sigh of relief. For a moment he had wondered if the worse had come to pass when he saw his appearance. "I'm not the Hero, thank Kami."
Making a Japanese salaryman—or a Japanese in general—a Hero was a sure fire way to doom the world.
Think about it. Kamikaze bomber blood ran in their veins. A whole culture built on obedience, sacrifice, and 'doing what must be done no matter the cost'. Put that mindset in a world where magic could level cities in seconds? Where a sneeze could potentially turn into a meteor strike? Holy shit. A Japanese Hero wouldn't just risk himself. He'd drag the whole fucking planet with him.
Society back home had already trained them for it.
A derisive snort left Shinobu as he slowly stood up, hissing at the throbbing pain in his head. "What the fuck did this guy drink?"
Through the mirror he glanced at his attire, a plain white tunic and brown trousers, dirty with splotches and a ragged cut along the hem that made him idly wonder if the last owner had gotten stabbed in them.
Shinobu went to leave the room, one hand bracing his temple, the other fumbling for the crooked door handle that felt like it was going to come off in his grip. When he pulled it open, he almost jumped back like a startled cat.
The corridor was lined with bodies. Not corpses, thankfully, but people sprawled on the ground or slumped against the walls looking half-dead, wasted out of their minds. A stench of alcohol and sweat hit him like a sledgehammer.
For a second, Shinobu's brain short-circuited. Orgy? Was this some kind of afterparty for degenerates? His gaze snagged on a woman a few feet away, topless, tits out for the world to see.
He had to admit, it was a nice pair of tits, but she looked too much like a junky for him to care. And there was something else on her that yanked his attention anyway.
Rabbit ears.
Long, velvety, twitching faintly even in her sleep.
Shinobu's hand twitched. The polite little Japanese voice in the back of his head told him what he was planning was massively disrespectful—
"Mmm~" A soft feminine moan sounded.
"Fuck Japan. I'm a free man now." He smirked, which more than likely looked like a grimace due to the pain.
Kneeling down, his fingers moved without hesitation, brushing over the base where her rabbit ears met her skull, then trailing lightly up along the inner ridge of one ear. The half-naked woman mewled softly in her sleep, shifting against the wall.
"As expected, I've been isekai'd." He reaffirmed his hypothesis.
If this this was Earth, he'd already be on the sex offender registry—
"Gah-!"
The air suddenly punched out of his lungs. His head cracked against the floor, a fresh explosion of pain ripping through the already unbearable hangover. His vision spun, white-hot pulses pounding behind his eyes.
A weight landed on his torso. Another gripped his arms, pinning him down.
Ba-dump! Ba-dump! Ba-dump!
His heart hammered in his ears, drowning thought. He barely caught scraps of their words through the haze.
"…Soma Wine…!"
"Valis—"
"…Zanis…Soma."
"…Check…room…"
The words were familiar, but his brain couldn't connect them. All he knew was hands were crawling over him, patting him down, rifling through his pockets.
He cracked his eyes back open, gritting his teeth at the pain—
"Gah-!" Why did the little shit punch him?! Weren't they just mugging him? And since when were kids in on this?
And then, Shinobu saw their expressions shift from smug to…Shit…they didn't look happy with whatever they did—or didn't—find.
Ba-dump! Ba-dump! Ba-dump!
Was he going to die bound once more? Once by his duty to his work, and now by junkies in some back-alley den. Was this how he was going to die again?
Suddenly, a certain memory of his boss—
"Fuck the flashback arc!" Something in Shinobu broke—the power of anime—filling him with strength. He felt he could rip chains apart, flip a car, tear the world open with his bare hands.
…That last one was an exaggeration, but his incapability of using metaphors could be addressed at a later date.
Shinobu tore free of the hands binding him, the wooden floor cracking beneath his flailing legs. His headache stabbed harder, but he powered through it, shoving the kid off his chest.
"Ah!"
The hungover fools stumbled back, wide-eyed, landing on their asses.
Shinobu barely gave them a glance. His blue eyes swept the room, finding three others, watching him in shock, mouths hanging open.
His gaze locked with the rabbit woman, now awake, ears trembling as she glared daggers at him.
He threw her a thumbs up, "Nice tits."
Then, a word left his lips before he could question it.
"Entangle."
Black, twisted hands erupted from his shadow, exploding outward in a radius. They lashed at everything in sight, wrapping around limbs, throats, faces.
Screams broke the silence in the hallway once more.
"I can't see!"
"Ahhh! Demon!"
Others couldn't even speak, their bodies paralyzed, frozen in mid-motion with fear etched on their faces.
Shinobu blinked at the scene, dumbfounded for half a heartbeat. Then it hit him. "…I'm an edgy fuckin' anime character," The brooding, overpowered archetype.
Probably.
The thought barely lingered before survival instinct kicked back in. He bolted down the corridor, passing cracked doors and collapsed drunkards, before jumping down a set of stairs.
Was he actually in Naruto?
He shoved past curses and shouts, shoulder-slamming the mansion's front door until it flew open with a crack. He continued on, sprinting across the wide walkway leading away from the building.
Shinobu glanced back once, seeing no one following him, and clicked his tongue at the sight.
"Mansion's the right word." That costed money. So much money. More than his boss ever paid him, more than he'd ever touched in his life. Money that could have been his.
Money he would've slapped across his boss's smug face back on Earth.
"Fucking capitalists."
Shinobu grinned.
As the saying goes, if you can't beat them, join them.
"And then screw 'em."
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A/N: The muse demanded DanMachi, so I had to deliver. Gonna reread the Manga—anime is too long, I can read faster than I watch—and refresh my knowledge. Haven't seen it for years.
DanMachi V2 CYOA:
Difficulty: Hero Mode +8 Points
Origin: Drop-In +1
Timeline: Canon
Powers:
Medium: Arcane Tattooist -3, Fusion Tinker -3, Merchant -3, Knock Off -3 (Makeover increased to Medium Lvl)
Minor Power: Unlimited Spell Slots -1, Mana not Mind -1
Perks: Blank -1, Mind Defense -1
Drawbacks: God's Attention +1, No Hiding Falna +1, AU Noble Dark +1, Somas Wine +2
Powers:
Fusion Tinker
You can merge objects together with a 50% chance rate of them failing and destroying the object. The objects that fuse together will combine random conceptual traits to create a new object. For example, an umbrella will have a "Folding" concept that if combined with a bag that has a "Container" concept it will create a bag of holding etc.
Arcane Tattooist
You can make symbolic tattoos that empower the wearer with various effects. A bear tattoo that covers your back would grant the strength of a bear.
Merchant
You are skilled at buying and selling, you can buy things at half-discount and sell for twice its market value. Contracts you write will be magically carried out, only if it is physically possible. You are attractive and a skilled talker.
Knock off
Choose one of the [Major] powers, this will be downgraded into a [Medium] power. Or choose one of the [Minor] powers and boost them to a [Medium] level power. You do not need to buy the chosen power as this option covers the cost.
Makeover [Medium Power] :You can fully remake your body once a day. You can now imitate the innate abilities of the race you transform into. Changes include height, muscle/fat distribution, minor demi-human traits, facial features, and hair color. Still limited to Human and Demi-Human boundaries. (Previously a Minor Power)
Unlimited slots
People have 3 slots for magic spells in their Falna to which they get from random updating it and meeting unknown requirements. Or from a Grimoire. You now have Unlimited slots for magic spells and do not have to worry about wasting a slot.
Mana not mind
Switch how the Falnas magic works. Instead of using Mind and going into mind-down (coma) when you run out of it, now you just can't use magic until it recharges.
Perks:
Blank
This prevents anyone from gaining infomation about you through non mundane methods. Specifically this prevents Freya from seeing your soul as unique and no one can read your falna unless you allow them too, even the god that applies.
Mind defense
Prevents any unwanted effects on the mind, mental illness, charming, hypnosis and addiction. This makes you immune to the addiction of Somas wine but not it's alcoholic effects.
Drawbacks:
Soma
You start in the Soma famila. A second purchase and you will be addicted to Soma wine.
Wrong Era
You arrive 15 years before cannon. When the Zeus and Hera famila are about to attempt to kill the One-eyed black dragon. This is a time when Evilus is still active. (I might do some tweaks and do Astraea Records Era, seven years before Canon)
No Hiding
Your falna on your back cannot be hidden or locked from others.
Gods attention
You will catch the interest of a God or Goddess, at the first purchase they will stalk you and keep asking you to join their familia. At the second purchase they will want to have you sexually and will use force you join their famila. (2x)
AU - Noble Dark
Purchase 1: Danmachi is different from the anime, subtle things are changed and people are more complex.