Sat with their backs against the chain-link fence, a cloud of smoke hung around Harin and Younghee, partially obstructing their view of the door to the rooftop despite sitting in direct view.
"Ahh.." Harin suddenly sighed. She laughed lightly as she rested her chin on her hand, the still lit cigarette now held dangerously close to her hair, "who would've known Ari would be so petty."
"What are you talking about?"
"Her leaving like that is very much you, no?"
"…"
"The whole without a word thing, you finding out after it's already done. I bet you feel abandoned."
"You're reading too much into it. She was busy and forgot to tell me. That's all."
"She told me."
"What?"
"She told me before she left."
Huh? Then why wouldn't she have told me?
...
Younghee took a deep breath but she still couldn't get rid of that heavy feeling in her chest.
Was this how Ari felt?
Other than that, it also seemed like she had remembered something important. "Harin."
"Hm?"
"Back then, how did you find out where I went?"
Harin pursed her lips and stared at the floor blankly. She didn't answer, and for a long time, all that could be heard was the sound of the metal fence swaying about in the wind. Then she spoke in a clear and stable voice, as if she had practised the line multiple times before. "I asked your sister."
"My.. sister?"
As soon as she said that, Younghee felt like time had stopped.
Each syllable that came out of Harin's mouth was now in slow motion, as if it was something she wasn't allowed to talk about.
"Seo Miyeon."
Younghee didn't have many memories of her childhood or time with family so what she was feeling now felt a bit strange yet there was a sense of comfort that came along with it. Just her name alone had led Younghee back to what it feels like as a child that had nothing and no one to cling on but her older sister.
When she left, Younghee swore not a single soul would learn about the attachment she still can't let go off because to be associated with Younghee would mean to still be associated with their family and if she wanted the best for her, it wouldn't be that.
"How... Why did you ask her?"
"Who else was I meant to ask?"
"..."
"I don't expect you to understand Younghee, but it wasn't just me that felt abandoned without an answer you know? Ari did too."
She chuckled but it felt more like a laugh at herself. "Right.. She didn't care."
"Do you really think that?"
"She would've said something by now if she did."
Younghee would never realise it but whenever she was with Harin, time had always gone by quickly. Something so oblivious to her however, was the most precious feeling ever for the other. The sudden drop in temperature had created goose bumps on Harin's arms yet the guilt of what she was going to say was what really made her feel cold.
"... I get you see her as a nice person and all but Ari isn't a saint, you know?"
"Hey, watch it."
"I'm serious."
"So am I." There was a brief pause that seemed deliberate, almost like Younghee was stopping herself from trying to make sense of everything. "She would've said something if she did."
Harin groaned, "alright, if that's what you want to think."
It's not like I don't understandbut..
Harin glanced over at Younghee, her heart throbbing at the foreign look that some may assume to be anger at first with her brows furrowed so harshly but only ones that knew how she was feeling, would know that anger was the least influential.
You look way too pitiful.
Ironically, the Harin that felt sorry for her was in the same position for years. Yet someone who should've been the reason she could get through her own feelings, ended up being who she turned to resent.
-
In Harin transferred to S middle school during her second year and was placed in a different class to Younghee. Had she not stayed behind after class one day to search for her textbook, they never would've crossed paths.
Harin turned the flashlight on her phone on as she rummaged through her desk, hurrying as the sky outside started to get dark quickly.
"Where is it.." She groaned as she turned the last book over, only to find out it was just her notebook. Feeling overwhelmed, she was starting to be on the verge of tears, her eyes just darting around the still unfamiliar classroom.
She didn't actually need to find the textbook as it was used for third year but for some reason she needed a distraction today, something else to focus on rather than what was going on at home. So not having control over this one little thing was starting to send her into a spiral.
After going through her locker for the fifth time and still not being able to recall where she could've left it, Harin sat down and sighed, her brows tense and her teeth gritted.
Ugh what the hell… How do you lose an entire book?
What's wrong with me?
Younghee had left later that day because she had to make up for a test she'd missed a few days prior. Feeling confident she'd done well, she was strolling down the hallway whilst playing on her phone.
Walking past a classroom, a sudden flash from outside made her look up before thunder struck and she noticed someone inside.
Crouched under a desk, the girl was shaking, her hands covering her ears and her head buried into her knees. Despite all that, she still flinched when another round of thunder struck.
Harin shot her head up as she felt a sharp poke on her arm, quickly noticing the curtains around the classroom was pulled shut.
"Are you okay?"
Although she waited a few seconds, it seemed obvious Younghee wasn't looking for an answer, or rather, wasn't expecting one. She held her hand out but paused and withdrew it again, deciding to sit down next to her instead.
"School ended hours ago, why are you still here? Ah, did you miss a test too? Hm, why do I feel like I've never seen you around before though? Are you new? Do you like it here so far? Wait, is that too soon to ask…"
To Harin, it looked like a complete stranger just suddenly started asking her questions and yet not letting her respond at all. She stared at Younghee as she rambled on, realising despite all the random things she was talking or asking about, she didn't bring up her reaction to the thunderstorm.
"Erm."
Younghee blinked as Harin interrupted her then tilted her head. "Yeah?"
"Can you help me find a book? I swear I had it earlier but I can't remember where I put it."
Even though she was surprised Harin was able to calm down so quickly, Younghee decided to play along like nothing happened. "Sure, which one is it?"
It didn't take long for Harin to settle into her new school. With a pretty face and an easy going personality, she practically became friends with everyone she knew. Of course there were people that she didn't get along with but Harin didn't let that bother her. Though, there was someone that did. Someone she had to call a friend.
One hour.
Harin only needed to spend one hour getting to know Ari to realise the Younghee she met that day would never be seen because she was just acting the way Ari would. And for some reason, rather than admiration, she felt bitter.
Maybe it was just her assumption, maybe her feelings or maybe because everyone else around them seemed to think the same but Younghee and Ari weren't just friends. Yet at the same time, it wasn't like they were dating. Their relationship laid somewhere in-between, or rather, somewhere beyond.
If it was that confusing for an outsider, how ambiguous was it to the two themselves?
Even though she had never experienced it, it was something Harin yearned - the feeling of unconditional love, on the borderline of forbidden. But because she didn't have that, Harin had the freedom to do what she wanted, she confessed.
And although she didn't get the answer she wanted, it wasn't as if she hadn't expected it.
"I like you."
I was hoping she wouldn't confess… This is going to be a bit annoying.
Hearing the door to the school rooftop creak open, Harin lifted her head slightly, just enough to sneak a glance before an obvious frown immediately took over her face.
She buried her head in her knees again, hoping Younghee would leave but started to get confused as footsteps approached her. As the sound of the metal wires behind her ringed in her ears, Harin quickly snapped her head up.
"What are you doing?"
Younghee was quiet for a long time, staring at her with a serious look on her face like she was debating over something.
Harin couldn't believe it.
It had barely been a few days since she confessed and here she was, listening to the person who rejected her talk about her feelings for another person. She knew it was a bad idea but this was the first time she'd seen her so open, and in a way vulnerable, so she couldn't just leave.
"Aren't you too cruel? Telling me that right after rejecting me.."
"I just don't know who else to tell… I was right, having someone know does help."
"Still, who the hell tells the person they rejected about their love life..." Harin mumbled. "If you're going to talk about your love life then I'm gonna start charging you."
Younghee chuckled. "Are you a couple's therapist or something?"
"You're not even a couple."
"Ugh… you're too blunt… it hurts." She made a dramatic gesture that her heart was being pierced but quickly returned back to normal as she realised Harin wasn't reacting. Younghee wasn't stupid, she knew what she was doing was cruel so she understood why Harin was acting the way she was. She also knew it would've been better if she'd just left her alone.
But regardless of whether or not she felt sorry, she was still going to do what she liked. It was just how she was.
"What's your fee then?"
"A kiss."
"Pass."
"You still have to pay for today's session though."
Unaware that someone had been watching them, Harin had a strange thought that day, that perhaps rejection wasn't so bad. After all, it was what brought her closer to Younghee. So even if it was small, it was still a win.
-
A figure stood by the side as Younghee leaned in, her nails digging into the palm of her hands. It was only when that pain became more distracting than the sight she had long forgotten, did she look away.
Harin blew the smoke in Younghee's face, smiling as she coughed.
"What the hell?"
"That should be my line. What do you think you're doing?"
"…" Seeing an unwavering look in Harin's eyes, Younghee chuckled. "Boo, you're no fun."
"And you're just mean," Harin stood up and dusted herself off, just in time for a notification to pop up on her phone. "I'm gonna get going. About what happened, I think you should just ask her. I mean it's like you said, she would've said something if she had a problem."
Right after exiting the main campus, Harin pulled her phone out and turned off the timer that had silently gone off at some point.
I went over again.
There were two messages on her lock screen, one for the car she had called and the other - her reminder to not get carried away, a restriction, because she knew the longer she spent with Younghee, the harder it would be for her to stick to the boundaries.
She would've said something she says.
As if.
When has Ari ever told you anything upsetting..?
"Younghee, you're so stupid," Harin mumbled.
"Unnie."
Harin flinched as a familiar voice called out. There was a risk when she agreed to come to the university, one she had overlooked because she'd been too focused on the wrong person.
Her hand froze mid-scroll as her eyes locked with Minju's. Swallowing the lump in her chest, she felt a feeling similar to heart ache as Minju spoke.
"Can we talk?"
"I already called a car."
"Cancel it."
Harin was lost in disbelief for a few seconds before scoffing. "What makes you think I'd do that?"
"Because you'd want to know what I'm about to tell you. It's to do with her."
"Minju—"
"I promise this is the... last time, that I'll bother you."
Minju knew what she was thinking, she knew she didn't want to see her and she knew stopping Harin from leaving was selfish but she couldn't help it. If this really was the last time, she wanted to end things on a good note at least.
She wanted to be her friend one last time.