A distant, constant crunch echoes through the forest, steadily growing louder. Birds scatter. Squirrels flee. The sound slices through the morning stillness like a buzzsaw, because, well... it is a buzzsaw.
Tree after tree collapses like dominos, felled by the blade. The Blue Aardvark barrels forward, chainsaw in hand, locked on his target. Up ahead, the Ant sprints desperately through the brush, looking back in irritation more than fear.
Ant: Come on, Aardvark! This early on a Saturday Morning?
Aardvark: Slow down, Ant! You'll burn off my recommended daily intake!
The Ant darts up a tree with ease, grabs the nearest three coconuts, and flings them backwards in rapid succession. All three hit their mark, triple *bonk!* *bonk!* *bonk!*, right between Aardvark's eyes, staggering him.
Aardvark: I don't need this many... vitamins.
He collapses.
The Ant smiles, but doesn't get far. His foot snags on a nearly invisible wire. Click! A trigger is set off, launching him forward with a yelp, flipping through the air like a tossed pancake until he lands smack in the middle of a bright red X.
A mechanical cage snaps shut around him like the jaws of a steel beast.
Ant: What the...
The camera pans downward, revealing a sleek control console, buzzing lights, and a smug-looking Sniffles the Anteater standing at its helm. He holds a tiny remote with a single oversized red button. Behind him, an entire makeshift radio station churns away, dials, transmitters, even a coffee mug. Conveniently enough, also his entire Arsenal.
Ant: Doesn't sound very convenient to me.
Shut it.
Sniffles silently celebrates, adjusting his glasses as he begins to stride toward the cage with slow, deliberate steps.
Suddenly…
Aardvark: Hey! Buddy!
Cut to the entrance of the clearing, where Aardvark now stands with a scowl, one hand pointing accusatorily toward the scene.
Aardvark: Wise guy of the day huh? That's my meal you're holding.
Ant: I ain't anybody's meal!
Sniffles yanks the cage backwards using a joystick, trying to wheel it away, but Aardvark is already there, impossibly, waiting on the other side with arms crossed and eyes narrowed.
Aardvark: I know you heard me, you nicompoop. Let me have it!
Sniffles says nothing. Instead, he produces another remote, this one labelled "Emergency Plan C," and presses the button without hesitation.
A giant swinging Rock came in like a wrecking ball.
Sniffles cartwheels out of the way just in time.
Aardvark stares directly into the camera, deadpan.
Aardvark: I guess I technically asked for i-
BAM!
FIGHT!
The massive rock struck true, beheading the Aardvark in one clean, cartoonishly brutal blow. His body stumbled around wildly, flailing in circles like a headless chicken at a disco.
Sniffles blinked once, then smiled at the absurdity. He casually reached for the cage controls and brought the Ant closer, inspecting him like a prized specimen.
Ant: I'd pay more attention if I were you.
Sniffles tilted his head in confusion. "Huh?"
Before the thought could finish forming, a blue blur slammed into him, a headless Aardvark, flying through the air feet-first like missile. The impact caught Sniffles off guard, sending him stumbling back.
Ant: Told you.
In a flash, Aardvark retrieved a baseball bat from behind his back and launched into a flurry of three wide swings. Sniffles backpedalled, barely dodging the first, second, and third.
But he didn't dodge what came next. Aardvark began spinning like a breakdancer on fast-forward, building momentum until he nailed Sniffles square in the midsection with a whirling strike. The anteater went flying, crashing through the air and smashing into a tree trunk with a loud CRACK!
Aardvark stopped spinning, shook the dizziness out of his shoulders, then casually reached off-screen and pulled out his own head, dusted it off, and popped it back on like a Lego piece.
Aardvark (wobbling slightly): I feel like I forgot something (Holds up Cage)… oh yeah. Lunch!
He barely had time to catch his breath before a strong metallic pull yanked his arms forward. Sniffles had produced a high-powered magnet, dragging the Ant's cage toward him.
Aardvark: I'll part with this here meal if it's the last thing I-!
The cage slips out of his grip.
Aardvark (deadpan): Well, waddya know?
Sniffles grinned, ready to claim his prize, but suddenly, the cage halted mid-air, then hovered the opposite direction. Aardvark held up his own magnet with pride.
Aardvark: Never leave my house without it.
Now the cage floated in limbo, stuck between two powerful magnetic forces, shaking violently.
Ant: I feel like I'm being ripped in ha ha HAAALF!
He was. Literally. The Ant split clean in half.
Frustrated, Sniffles growled and whipped out what looked like an ordinary paper airplane. But when he tossed it, the "airplane" zipped like a missile, slicing through the air, and right through Aardvark. Only for his top half to fall neatly onto his bottom half, as he still clutched his magnet, groaning.
Aardvark: Now I feel even more oppressed… Fire in the hole!
He licked three sticks of dynamite, because of course he did, and lobbed them at Sniffles. Just before impact, the razor-sharp paper airplane boomeranged back, shredding through two sticks and spearing the last one. It arced around and buried itself right in Aardvark's face, exploding.
Only then did he let go of his magnet, which promptly rocketed forward and slammed into the cage, knocking it like a bowling ball into Sniffles and sending the genius anteater deeper into the forest.
The Ant's two halves clicked back together with a snap. He exhaled in relief... only to turn and be nose-to-nose with Sniffles.
Ant: Uh oh.
He runs mid-air for a second before speeding off in a puff of dust, just as Sniffles stretches out his tongue like a frog on overdrive. The sticky appendage trails closely behind the insect, weaving around trees and leaping over logs with unnatural precision.
Just as Ant starts to feel safe, he suddenly feels himself getting pulled backwards, not by Sniffles' tongue, but from the opposite direction, as The Aardvark had activated a vacuum function on his snout, turning it into a living Hoover. With a dramatic inhale, he snatches Ant right out of the air… along with Sniffles' tongue in his other, much to the Anteater's dismay.
Aardvark: Got anything?
Ant: It was on sale.
With a smirk, Ant pulls out a small bottle of "DEATH AND DARKNESS DESTRUCTION HOT SAUCE (And Knuckles)" and hands it over. Aardvark doesn't hesitate, splashing it all over the tongue still latched to his hand. A shriek of pure pain echoes from the forest as Sniffles convulses.
Aardvark: Seems like it's an acquired taste.
He grins and yanks the tongue back hard, then lets go. Like a giant slingshot, the tongue recoils at Mach speed and slaps Sniffles square in the face, sending him tumbling back again.
Aardvark: Now, where was I?
Ant: You were gonna let me go?
Aardvark: And a mind-controlled robot ant's gonna beat me up! Likely story!
He opens his mouth dramatically wide, slowly lowering Ant in like he's savouring the moment.
Meanwhile, in the distance, Sniffles staggers back into view, bruised but not beaten. From his oversized lab coat, he pulls out a flask labelled "Growth Formula" and splashes it over the deactivated Robot Ant. Sparks fly, gears whir, and in seconds, the bot grows to monstrous proportions, towering at least two heads above Aardvark.
Sniffles slaps a metal mind-control helmet onto the robot and points forward like a general commanding his troops, handing over a radioactive carrot. The Clanker tosses the disgusting veggie, as it lands pinpoint, in the mouth. The Aardvark starts to glow in rainbow colours.
Aardvark: Yet, I don't feel very happy!
The robot launches forward with a sonic boom, ramming Aardvark right in the gut just before he can finish swallowing. Aardvark is blasted across the clearing, skipping through the dirt three times like a stone on water.
Ant softly lands on his chest, unharmed.
Aardvark: Why is it that every time I've got you cornered, some schmuck shows up and ruins it?
Ant: Beats me.
The robot grabs Aardvark by the snout and begins to spin, before slamming him hard into the ground. Left, then right. Then left again. Then right. The poor guy ragdolls each time.
While Aardvark lies groaning in a crater, the bot's arms shift with a whir into mechanical pincers. It gently plucks the squashed ant from beneath Aardvark like a surgeon extracting a bullet. With surgical pride, it holds the tiny prize up high.
But as the Aardvark begins to stagger to his feet, the bot shoots its other arm like a rocket-powered grappling hook. Aardvark catches it reflexively…
Aardvark: AAH! EEEH!!
…but it drags him through the air at full speed, flailing and screaming like laundry caught in a tornado.
Sniffles grins, arms raised in triumph, ready to reclaim his ant. But in a rare moment of ego, he fist-pumps the air, forgetting his mechanical arm is still out. His fist (and the attached Aardvark) spirals down toward him like a living missile.
BOOM!
A shockwave sends up ash and smoke. Everyone sits up, groaning. Coughing fills the silence.
Aardvark: "Slam… your way through this!"
From behind his back, he pulls out his ultimate weapon: the Automatic Ant Stamper. He cranks the dial to its most ludicrous setting, "SOURCE WALL." The machine roars to life, growing larger and larger until it towers over everyone.
Sniffles tenses, bracing for doom-
But the robot catches the massive stamper mid-swing with one trembling arm. It shakes, sparks flying from its joints, but it holds firm. Slowly, it looks down at Sniffles, nodding.
Robot (Translate this chucklenut): −·· ·−· ·· ·−·· ·−·· / − ···· ·−· −−− ··− −−· ···· / − ···· · / ···· · ·− ···− · −· ···
Its other arm morphs into a glowing drill, whirring up like a jet engine. With a heroic yell, the robot charges forward-
And immediately gets flattened.
BOOM!
The machine explodes beneath the weight of the device, taking the Ant Stamper with it in a fiery blast.
Ash settles again. Aardvark, covered in soot, limps out of the rubble.
Aardvark: And you're French?
Sniffles tries to backpedal, creating some space, but Aardvark isn't having it. He grabs Sniffles by the arm and yanks him right back like a cartoon yo-yo.
Aardvark: No, you don't!
Sniffles quickly retaliates, stomping down with both feet right onto Aardvark's toes. Aardvark howls in agony, hopping in place while clutching his foot like it just got divorced. In the chaos, his invisibility spray flies out of his coat pocket, and Sniffles, ever the opportunist, snatches it mid-air and rolls into the nearby bushes like a trained saboteur.
A moment of silence. Aardvark stops whining, sniffs the air, and starts patting down his coat in growing concern.
Gone.
He turns slowly toward the camera, his face the perfect picture of despair and betrayal.
Aardvark: If I knew breakfast was gonna take this much effort, I woulda- oh no.
A shadow falls over him. He turns just in time to see a colossal, smiling Blob monster oozing into view. Wherever it touches, the ground blackens and sizzles into nothing.
Aardvark: MOMMY!!
He bolts like a cartoon rocket, the Blob gurgling behind him. As he runs, he digs into his coat and pulls out-
Aardvark: Always double-check your pockets!
-an Instant Hole can, jumbo-sized. He twists off the cap and lets it pour behind him like syrup, creating a yawning, endless void. The Blob monster slips right in without hesitation, vanishing with a burp.
Aardvark: Good riddance!
He casually chops the side of his hand like a victorious kung-fu master, seemingly hitting something. He then pours a glass of water, revealing a dazed Sniffles, calculators spinning around his head as he's lifted by the collar.
Aardvark: Listen here, you glorified ballyhoo yock! I need you to stay out of my business and-
CRASH!
A tree falls. Then a boulder. Then a whole elephant. The Instant Hole never stopped spreading.
Aardvark turns slowly, wide-eyed, and sees the entire forest getting swallowed like snacks at a buffet. He looks back to the audience, deadpan, as the ground beneath them begins to give.
He grabs Sniffles by the face and shakes him.
Aardvark: Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't. Look. Down.
Sniffles looks down.
They both plummet into the void, flailing and screaming as they disappear into the abyss.
Aardvark (echoing): I HATE YOU INSTANT HOOOOOLE!!
Sniffles and the Aardvark tumble through the void, flailing, flapping, and shrieking. Mid-fall, Sniffles' eyes widen. His Time Machine! It's plummeting right alongside them, spinning through the air like a tumbleweed.
With sudden clarity, he locks in, hopping from Tree to Tree. He slams against the front of the time machine, gripping the washing-machine-like door and yanking it open just in time to funnel himself inside.
Aardvark: I'll stop at nothing… even if nothing stops me!
And with that, he slaps open an interdimensional door right beneath his feet and leaps in without hesitation.
Inside the time machine, Sniffles frantically punches buttons on the glowing control panel. He barely has time to breathe before he hears it, a thud behind him.
The Aardvark casually dusts himself off and grins.
Aardvark: Whoa. Nice place. Love what you've done with the pillows!
Montage Time!:
The Aardvark smashesSniffles over the head with a comically oversized fly swatter.
Then, he's giving him a spanking with said swatter.
Then, he's tying Sniffles to a chair, eyelids pried open, forcing him to watch Happy Tree Friends on repeat, while laughing maniacally.
Suddenly, splat!
The time machine plummets from the sky, squashing Sniffles-from-the-past like a jelly-filled pancake. The machine door creaks open, and the Aardvark shoves the present one aside, stepping in with flair.
He pulls out... a blender.
Aardvark: There's only one way to end this Super Duper tussle… with equally Super Duper juice!
He slurps the concoction down in one big gulp. Instantly, his head swells with muscle, his jaw clenches like a superhero, and his eyes glow blood-red.
Aardvark: Regrettably, your existence has become a logical inconsistency in the equation of progress. It is, therefore, my unfortunate duty… to resolve the error... conclusively.
Twin optic beams fire from his eyes, slicing through the air. Sniffles ducks and sprints. More beams shoot after him like angry laser-guided mosquitoes. Whatever he needs to do to escape, he does, until he's far enough away.
Then, he sees it. His rocketship, built purely off scraps. He ponders to himself.
Moments later, the Aardvark arrived, panting.
Aardvark: I meticulously prepared for optical incineration and intellectual supremacy… and yet, somehow, I neglected to pack for my kinetic disadvantage.
Realizing too late, he watches the rocket slowly pivot to face him.
Aardvark: With all my so-called intelligence, you'd think I'd have noticed the metaphorical anvil labeled 'obvious consequence' falling from the sky.
You can guess what landed on his head next.
Aardvark: Oh… man.
The rocket blasts off, taking the dazed Aardvark with it. It soars into the sky before detonating in an absolutely over-the-top, fireworks-level explosion. Pieces of debris rain down like confetti.
Sniffles watches from below, eyes wide, then breaks into gleeful celebration.
Sniffles: Who hoo!
He jumps, twirls, and dances. Not noticing anything else. But what reason does he need too?
Behind him, too many pieces of the Aardvark's remains begin slinking together like a magnetic horror show. They reform, bone by bone, fur by fur,until the Aardvark stands tall once more, frowning.
He taps Sniffles on the shoulder.
Aardvark: It says gullible on the ceiling.
Sniffles looks up. Big mistake.
WHAM! Double axe handle to the head, and Sniffles crashes through another swirling interdimensional door.
When he comes to, he's neck-deep in itchy, wriggling quicksand.
No... not quicksand.
Ants.
Lots and lots of ants.
And every single one is biting.
Aardvark appears right above him.
Aardvark: Right! Almost forgot the cherry on top!
The cherry lands perfectly on Sniffles' head, right as the ants go berserk.
They swarm furiously, biting and tearing with relentless brutality. No matter how much he screams, how desperately he thrashes, they don't relent; they feast on him alive. Flesh is shredded, intestines spilling out, bladders bitten out, liver torn apart.
Sniffles screams. His arms flail, trying to climb out, but every grasp is air, every handhold dissolves. The quicksand pulls. The ants feed.
With his last desperate act, he reaches out, but before he can grasp salvation, the ants tear into his arm, down to the bone, gnawing through flesh and bone alike, leaving nothing behind but a bloody stump. His final scream is gurgled and desperate, as his hand reaches out for help that will never come.
BACK IN THE FOREST.
Aardvark: That fight was so exhilarating, I almost forgot what we were fighting for.
From above, the Charlie Ant descends, swinging a Frying Pan, which he uses the bash the Aardvark into the floor.
Aardvark: Almost.
Ant: Yeah, I'm off to Cancún. See ya next Tuesday, Aardvarky!
The Ant walks away, as the Aardvark stays on the ground, tired. He rolls over, staring at us instead.
Aardvark: Guess I'll try again for Lunch. Later.
He passes out.
KO!