''I feel like drinking every time we have these meetings'', Dacre's voice fills the empty bedroom as he sits on the table at the center of the room, silently, Nikias, who is standing at the window, moves to look at his friend. Dacre's changed a lot since they've met almost a year prior, his appearance is still the same, just with a bit more muscle, the bright pink hair, mischievous dull emerald eyes and dirty mouth, yet he's more responsible, more mature, in such a brief time, can someone change like this?
Nikias questions himself that as if, he himself, hasn't changed so much in the span of a year. His face that before was always blank and devoid of emotions is slowly becoming brighter, he who prides himself in being friendless, now has someone who he reluctantly calls his best friend - mostly due to Dacre's coercion.
''You're an alcoholic'', Nikias says with a scoff, his gaze back at the window where the moon is gorgeously at its waxing crescent phase.
Dacre laughs: ''Then that makes you one as well, you're always drinking with me'', he pops open the wine bottle at the table, serving the two glasses. The Prince sighs, he has no retort because the other is right. ''Should we try to stop drinking until your wedding?'' He asks as Nikias sits down in front of him.
''No'', the Prince says simply, grabbing his own glass, chugging down the wine smoothly before serving himself another glass.
''Damn, that's why we're best friends''.
''Not because you claimed one-sidedly?'' Nikias mocks as he drinks his second glass.
''Nah, you know very well no one can force you to say something, Nikki'', Dacre says, finishing his own glass. ''Plus we have great chemistry as friends, we are like friends' soulmates''.
''Did Jiwon tell you that?''
Dacre frowns.
''No, I can feel it deep in my heart, when we met at that alley, no matter what we were destined to meet'', Dacre claims, drinking a second glass and popping open another bottle. ''You felt it too, didn't you? This understanding, as if we're both broken in a way only we could understand each other''.
''That's absurd'', Nikias answers, leaning back on the chair as he watches Dacre pouring them their third glass of wine. ''I don't believe in such fantastical things, we're friends because you're pushy and annoying''.
''Just say you love me'', Dacre mocks, laughing. ''If I weren't so pushy you would have no friends, let's be honest Nikki, you never will forge a relationship on your own. It's even hard to believe you pursued the King, not the other way around''.
''Trust me, I like him way more than he likes me'', Nikias lies.
''Nikki, the man looks at you as if you're his world'', Dacre points out. ''You look at him with guilt in your eyes''.
Nikias flinches, ''That's not true''.
''Fine, not all the time, but don't think you're impossible to read all the time, sure, perhaps some might not be able to, but not me. I can tell Nikki, you feel guilty for loving him''.
''I don't love him''.
''Didn't you claim so at your ball?''
''You know that was so my parents would approve the marriage'', Nikias chugs down two glasses in a row, feeling uncomfortable, yet he doesn't ask Dacre to leave.
They had a rough morning, with no news from the eyes they planted in the Whisperia Kingdom or the Hai Empire, and now with the marriage of Alkaios and Evangelia, the Palace is in another lockdown, so they cannot even visit the store as they wish, any new updates are through letters and none carry good news about the relics or the investigation on the new Duke Sawdon. Nikias was particularly moody that morning since his ''brother'' came to ask him to give a speech at the wedding.
Two weeks before.
Dacre on the other hand is annoyed for not being able to do much, for not being given more important tasks, and also due to his relationship with Jiwon, which has been going well, if it weren't for the man's insane jealousy over the Prince.
''Why do you feel guilty then? Did he say he loves you and you didn't say it back?'' Dacre asks, knowing damn well, that was him, not Nikias.
''No, we never exchanged such words'', Nikias plays with the rim of the glass. ''I just…'', he sighs, feeling his cheeks burning due to the alcohol. ''I just ain't sure if I am good enough for him, maybe one day he'll fall in love for real with someone much more incredible''.
''Than you? Nikki, I do not know anyone more interesting than you, and I doubt the King will'', Dacre says, leaning forward. ''You lack confidence in the most idiotic things''.
''And you have it too much'', Nikias comments, frowning.
''Perhaps'', Dacre answers with a shrug. They stay in silence drinking for a moment before the pink-haired man speaks again: ''Jiwon said he loves me, well, in a more serious moment this time''.
Nikias glares at him, saying 'who said I care?' with his eyes.
''I don't know if I love him back, so I asked for advice from Lowe'', Dacre continues. ''That butler sure hates talking with me…''
''That's because you're too direct about your own life, Dacre, you should be more mysterious sometimes''.
''I am quite hard to read''.
''There's no need to read a book that speaks what they are out loud'', Nikias comments pointing at Dacre.
The man pauses, frowning. ''That's… true''.
''If you don't love him, then don't say it, you're together way less than me and Lyor, or even Lowe and Rainier, and we never said it''.
''Well, none of you are Saints of the god of Love'', Dacre scoffs. ''I am annoyed at the fact that he can tell me my feelings even before I say it, that bastard telling me that I can take my time falling for him because he'll love me forever.'', he finishes his glass. ''Asshole''.
''Just yesterday you were boasting about sex with him'', Nikias comments.
''Listen, Nikki, sex with him is amazing, last night I came what? Six-'', Nikias raises his hand, stopping Dacre from continuing.
''I really wish for you to stop talking about sex, Dacre''.
Dacre pouts, ''You're jealous, did you even tried out the toys I got you?''
Nikias blushes. ''Of course not''.
''Nikki, there's no shame in talking about sex or even knowing what you like before entering a relationship'', Dacre nods to himself. ''We're best friends, it's not like I'll go out telling people you played with your ass''.
''Shut up'', Nikias says, blushing even more. ''I am not ashamed, I just do not wish to have this conversation with you''.
''Why?''
''Because you're way too crude!''
''I'm just being straightforward'' Dacre rebuttals, opening their third bottle of wine. ''You're not a child anymore Nikki, there's no shame in having such conversations, especially considering all I already shared with you''.
''Exactly because of that Dacre, you're way too forthcoming, I'm not like that, and to be honest, I never even thought about sex with Lyor'', the Prince confesses.
Dacre blinks slowly, staring at the men in front of him. ''Never?''
''I mean…'', Nikias takes a deep breath, ''I have a lot on my mind''.
''Sure, but you're just as young as me, don't you have desires? When was the last time you even masturbated?'' Dacre's question makes Nikias look at him with anger in his eyes.
''Shut up, I'm not answering that, you're way too sex-driven'', Nikias says, annoyed.
''I'm an adult, and so are you Nikki'', Dacre says with a sigh. ''Or you think being 19 still makes you a child while you're already engaged?''
Nikias pauses, the cup touching his lips as he ponders Dacre's words, he never saw himself as a child, not even when he was indeed one, so why now he's so scared of diving into such things? As Vahe he has no sexual experience as well, sure once he moved beyond kissing, but it didn't amass to much, he was always scared of moving forward, of making the relationship more than it should. Maybe because of his childhood traumas or the betrayal he suffered when he was on the streets, but whatever it was, he never thought about sex that much. If he were to be fully honest with himself, which he won't, he would admit that he does feel sexual attraction towards Lyor, yet he always shuts it down before it comes to the surface, and considering the man is a romantic, he also never pushed Nikias to do anything beyond kissing and hugging.
Did he ever even get an erection because of me? He shakes his head, there's no point in beginning such worry now, if he does… then it'll be a spiral too deep for him to come out of.
''I do not think I'm a child, Dacre'', he finally says, ''But sex isn't all there is to a relationship''.
''Nikki, we're all men, sex is important in any relationship'', Dacre says, raising his eyebrow. ''Are you scared Lyor won't get it up for you?'' Bullseye.
''That's not it'', Nikias shakes his head. ''Not everyone finds sex important, Dacre, being next to him is enough''.
''You cannot possibly be serious Nikias'', Dacre sighs. ''Listen, if you say you don't want to have sex at all, then fine, but if this is all because of some irrational fear of him not being attracted to you, then…''
''Dacre, that's enough'', Nikias says, pinching between his eyes with frustration. ''Stop trying to read me''.
''We're friends, you can talk to me Nikki, stop bottling up and ignoring your own feelings'', Dacre points out, opening their fourth and last bottle. ''Do you think opening up to me is the same as revealing your back for me to stab? Then fine, a secret for another secret''.
''Do you even have secrets?''
Dacre scoffs, ''You'd be surprised'', he sighs, leaning back, his gaze on the obnoxiously white ceiling. ''I cannot give Jiwon a blowjob'', he says seriously, his eyes squint and he laughs at himself. ''I was 15 when I started sex work Nikias, and I never felt ashamed'', he points out as if its an important detail. ''But every time I try to showcase my amazing mouth skills… I just… freeze, my throat hurts and my head feels all fuzzy, last time I gagged'', he jumps looking at Nikias in the eye. ''I gagged as I tried to put his dick in my mouth, that was… the most embarrassed I was in my life.''
Nikias wants to make a joke, but he can't, the gaze in Dacre's eyes is filled with dissatisfaction towards himself.
''That's when it hit me, you know, that maybe I was just lying to myself. That having to suck men thrice my age in a dirty alleyway wasn't my own choice, and that I was just a kid resorting to desperate measures in order to pay my drugged mother's debts…'' Dacre looks as if he's about to cry, and maybe he is. ''My father died when I was too immature to grief, then my mother started being violent, taking heavy drugs after heavy drugs…'', he sighs. ''She put drugs in the juice we drank every morning, then the bread'', he scoffs with a sad expression. ''Taking drugs at 10… That's something I never told anyone'', he looks at his friend. ''Do you know how it feels to be trapped inside a nightmare driven by the very person you rely on the most?''
The Prince swallows dry, he feels his throat drying up and his heart starts to pound inside his chest, his stomach churning. He feels like throwing up, maybe because of the heavy topic or maybe because he knows exactly how Dacre feels.
''Thankfully I never got addicted like her… Maybe my father's genes saved me from addiction'', he says, biting his lip, his face becoming paler. ''When she ran away and those loan sharks came… There's not much a weak starving kid can do in a world where he's at the bottom of the food chain in order to get money'', he leans over, resting his forehead on the table. ''I was alone, with nowhere to run, no one to rely on… And then you came up, giving me a shot at being more,'' he laughs, ''Nikki, the look in your eyes, the lack of pity, the way you looked as if you were staring at a mirror'', he leans his head to the side so he can look at the Prince, ''Just like that'', he points out at the Prince who has just the same expression in his face as he did that day. ''That's why I cling to you, why I try my hardest to be friends with you, because who else will drink with me at three a.m. and talk about things tomorrow we will pretend to never have talked about?'' Dacre closes his eyes, ''We are perfect for each other, and that's why I'll be the best uncle for your children''.
''That's quite the change of subject'', Nikias says with a weak smile.
''It's the truth, it's not like I can have kids, I don't have mana, or even as if I want to have them'', Dacre says. ''But don't think I forgot, Nikki, it's your turn''.
Nikias definitely wants to change the subject and pretend Dacre is crazy, but he doesn't. ''Lyor and I aren't truly in a love relationship… I asked him for a contract marriage''.
Dacre doesn't laugh or even look at Nikias with judgemental eyes, all he does is say: ''Like in those books? The whole 'let's agree to not fall in love' bullcrap?''
''No'', Nikias shakes his head, finishing his last glass of wine, his face burns and he definitely feels lightheaded. ''Our marriage is real, yet a contract, there's no such thing like a promise of a loveless relationship, we even agreed to be monogamous''.
''Isn't that just a regular relationship then?''
''The agreement was… I was to help him with his Kingdom and conquests so that he can properly become an Emperor and eliminate slavery in his continent, while he's to protect me from any threat to my life, even if it means risking his'', Nikias continues: ''Having heirs, consummating the marriage, even agreeing to a no divorce clause, it is to be all like a regular marriage, yet there's no promise of love or a true caring relationship, it's like… we're in this just out of mutual benefits''.
''Like any arranged marriage'', Dacre nods. ''But even so Nikki, just because this contract exists, you both can still love each other and have a good relationship''.
''Yes, I am aware, and I do care deeply about him'', Nikias says, sighing. ''But that's not it, our relationship is flawed from the beginning, how can I even say I feel something when all he does is just his duty as my fiance?''
''Nikki…'' Dacre says softly, ''That man is completely smitten by you''.
''Sure''.
''No'', Dacre shakes his head. ''Don't be sarcastic, you know it's true, he definitely loves you Nikias, maybe he just doesn't want to pressure you''.
Nikias shakes his head. ''That's not it, he's just a romantic''.
''Nikias, what the actual fuck are you saying?'' Dacre is at a loss listening to Nikias' words, completely dumbfounded. ''A romantic? Do you think he's what? A soft bunny?'' Dacre scoffs. ''Being around him is like breathing water, it's suffocating, his gaze is as heavy as laying under a mountain, his eyes when he looks at others is like he's looking at toys''.
''No, that's not Lyor'', Nikias says, confused.
''That's because he looks at you as if you're everything, his gaze softens, even the influx of his voice is different!'' Dacre says.
''I don't believe you, Dacre, I appreciate the support, but he is kind to everyone, otherwise the people of the Kingdom wouldn't love him''.
''They see him as their god Nikias, of course they love him, everyone fears and loves the gods, even if they could kill you with a flick of their finger''. Dacre says. ''Just how dense are you to not realize it? That man would lift the planet with his pinky finger for you''.
''We're practically strangers'', Nikias shakes his head again.
''Strangers? You exchange dozens of letters with him per week, you speak with him more often than with your own family'', Dacre points out. ''Who would do that with someone they are in just a mutually beneficial relationship with?''
''We would''.
''Bullshit'', Dacre says. ''You love each other''.
''Love is a strong word''.
''Then you admit you're infatuated with him? That you want him to want you? That you yearn for his touch and is scared of him not wishing for the same?''
''That's… conjecture''.
Dacre scoffs. ''Nikki, you're the most stubborn person I know, and I am quite stubborn myself'', he takes a deep breath. ''You need to be more honest with yourself, you're not stupid, so why you keep pretending to not see your own feelings?''
''I am quite exquisite in reading myself Dacre'', Nikias lies. ''And I am telling you, I sure care about Lyor, I won't deny that, and fine I am scared of being left by him once he finds someone better, however, there's no such thing as infatuation or love in this scenario''.
''Sure sure'', Dacre scoffs. ''I'll go grab more wine, because if you're going to keep lying, at least blame it on the alcohol''.
❥
Before important events, the Palace of the Exos Empire goes through a lockdown, this procedure is to ensure there are no threats to the Royal's life, but also that such events go by smoothly. Births, engagements, marriages and crownings are usually the events in which it happens, and each has a certain window of time in which the lockdown happens.
The lockdown for Alkaios and Evangelia's wedding started two weeks before the wedding, therefore most people cannot enter or leave the Palace unless they have specific authorization by the Emperor or Crown Prince to do so. Others must sleep at the Palace for the whole duration of the lockdown, being apart from their families and loved ones, that's why most prepare for it in advance.
Of course, the pay for those days? Superb, as even the time you're asleep counts as work time, and also one of the reasons most wish to work during the lockdown.
Before births, most of the staff is dismissed and the Palace has only medical personnel and guards. Before crownings, its similar, with the exception of the close advisors of the Emperor and Crown Prince. However, before engagements and weddings is when almost all employees are required to partake.
That is particularly important for those close to the couple about to marry.
''He gave you permission?'' Lowe's voice echoes in the empty Palace room he's meeting with Rainier at lunchtime. ''Sure, I mean, I understand if it were for work…''
The red-haired man pushes his hair back with an exasperated sigh ''Alkaios is feeling guilty, let's not dwell on the whys''.
''Guilty? Why?'' Lowe insists, tilting his head to look at his lover. While Lowe is wearing the full butler suit, with gorgeous golden-colored gloves instead of the usual white ones, Rainier is wearing his Silver Crow's uniform, with his sword on his belt and his hair was even styled properly before he messed with it. ''Because of what happened months ago? That makes no sense Rainier, pardon me for finding his assistance in our romantic getaways weird''.
''It's just two nights Lowe, after the wedding you'll be too busy and so will I'', Rainier sighs again, leaning down, his forehead landing softly on Lowe's shoulder. ''I'll miss you like crazy''.
''Then don't go, it's already insane you even considered being their personal guard at their honeymoon'', Lowe's words are curt, he's become more and more comfortable in confronting Rainier as the days went by, such as becoming used to the man's incessant need of physical contact.
''There's no one else skilled enough to watch them without interrupting or not being able to keep their mouths shut'', Rainier says, dragging his words a bit as he feels his exhaustion hitting him.
Lowe wants to yell at him, but they've been fighting so much already that he doesn't want to spoil the mood once again.
''You're still in love with her Rainier'', the butler points out, pushing the taller man away from his shoulder. ''Are you sure you're able to watch as they do it?''
''C'mon Lowe, I won't be seeing them all the time, they'll have their privacy, of course''.
''Rainier, you'll at least hear them, are you sure you'll be fine? That's insanity. No. The fact that he asked that of you is insane.'' Lowe can't help but raise his voice, just to lower right away, scared of others hearing him, as they didn't cast any spells in the room. ''Why go that far?''
''Regardless of my feelings, Lowe, they're my best friends, I do not wish for harm to come their way while they're supposed to be at their happiest''.
''What about your happiness?'' Lowe scoffs.
They both know that the issue isn't the whole honeymoon thing, but the elephant in the room they've been tippitoying around: Rainier's imminent death.
''I am happy right now, with you'', his words make Lowe blush.
''I know… just stay a few meters away from their room, ok?'' Lowe whispers, burying his head on Rainier's chest this time. The man wraps his arms around him, his thumb brushing his arm soothingly.
''Of course'', Rainier says with a soft smile. ''On another note, did your suit arrive?''
A few weeks prior, the future-Duke requested for Lowe to accompany him to the wedding, which took quite a bit of convincing, but eventually he accepted, and even more, he allowed Rainier to pick his clothes - although he did insist on paying for it himself.
''Yes, I imagine it is a set?'' Lowe says, closing his eyes, sinking himself in Rainier's warmth and scent. ''It fits perfectly''.
''Good'', Rainier answers. ''Lowe… just so you know, my love for you grows everyday, while my love for her diminishes everyday. I will never hate her, she's a childhood friend I care deeply about, however, my romantic feelings towards her have already faded a lot, and I'll prove it to you, just be patient with me''.
''I am patient'', Lowe says, fighting his urge of commenting about the death subject again. ''Rainier, if you…'', he pauses, taking a deep breath. ''If you leave me now, I do not know what I would do''.
''What are you trying to say?'' Rainier asks, not quite picking up the undertones of Lowe's words.
Lowe pushes the man away to look directly into his red eyes: ''I like you'', he says, his hands even trembling a bit, he isn't sure if it is the right thing to say, but saying love is too strong and keeping it ambiguous isn't enough anymore.
Rainier needs to fully understand Lowe's feelings, so that he will feel extremely guilty about dying.
Because these small tricks and stupid actions are all Lowe is able to do for now as he slowly becomes more and more desperate to protect the person that entered his life with a mistake and now is trying to leave without permission.
The Knight furrows his eyebrows, his gaze never leaving the butler's, there's no reason to, because those caramel eyes are his favorite's. ''I like you too, Lowe, a lot'', he bends a bit, his hand brushing against Lowe's, interlocking their fingers. ''I will do anything for you.''
''Except ignoring orders…'' Lowe whispers under his breath as their faces become closer.
''Yes, and that destroys me'', Rainier says with a pained tone, closing his eyes before clashing his lips against Lowe's, their kiss is urgent, their hands traveling through each other's bodies, even after a whole year of this, they cannot still get quite enough of this feeling of burning in each other's touch.
❥
''Two days left'', the soft murmur of Alkaios reaches Rainier's ears in the empty office, he's standing near the window, blankly staring at the busy employees running around the garden, all just so his wedding will be the most perfect event of the year.
''Getting cold feet?'' Rainier asks, leaning back on the sofa he's sitting at, his mind also somewhere else, as he thinks about his conversation with Lowe the previous night, and their eventual fight, its becoming almost clockwork, they kiss, have sex, talk, laugh, smile, then fight and fight again, they're unable of spending time together without fighting in the last months. Anyone could tell the red-haired man is on edge as his dark circles become deeper and his lips aren't curving in a smile even when he speaks with his beloved friends.
''That's not it, at least I do not think so…'', Alkaios takes a deep breath, ''It's just hitting me, the weight of it all''.
''The crown or marriage?'' Rainier asks, looking at his friend who doesn't look back at him.
Alkaios looks healthier, of course he does, without his brother's poison in his system, he was able to grow muscles and his complexion looks a lot more like a living person now, color back on his cheeks and his eyes are back to its usual lively shine. But he definitely looked happier when he was being poisoned than now as a healthy man.
''Both'', Alkaios answers, sighing as he tilts his head and passes his hand through his silver hair in frustration. Frustration with his own feelings, his own attitudes and his own future. He wants to scream, hit the wall and most definitely go out in a hunt just to let go of this stress he's been feeling.
But he has an image to maintain. A Prince kind enough to never raise his hand against a staff, a Prince sweet enough he would be sad to see an animal sliced up and a Prince so romantic and devoted that he would never second guess his love for his fiance and future wife.
''When we were ten…'', Rainier says, sighing, able to see his friend's face contorting with all kinds of emotions. ''I thought about asking father to settle an engagement between me and Evangelia, funny enough, though, one single day later, you announced your engagement to her'', Rainier swifts his gaze to the ceiling, but he can feel his friend's gaze on him. ''At the time all I could think about was… Yeah, I don't belong here''.
He pauses.
''But then you came to me, smiling, way too happy for a 10 year-old deciding his whole future, and you told me: 'Rai, I hope when we grow older that we'll continue being friends, and then our children to be friends, and our wives to be friends, to me, this is the kind of friendship we have. Not one of life debt, but one of mutual love and support. I hope you'll bless my engagement and in the future, walk alongside me as I make the Empire prosper even more'''. Rainier chuckles. ''I mean, what 10 year-old speaks like that?'' He laughs. ''You did''.
''That is still my wish'', Alkaios answers, his voice is low and Rainier can feel Alkaios' pink eyes staring deeply at him.
''Then do your best, Kai'', Rainier finally turns to his friend, who is looking at him with a pained gaze, his lips pursed and fists clenched. ''You have nothing to be sorry about, Kai, you're my best friend, you're Evangelia's love and the future Emperor'', Rainier gets up from the sofa to stand in front of his friend. ''You always did what was best for all three of those things, as a friend, a lover and a ruler. I don't hate you for hurting me'', Rainier says. ''I don't blame you for pretending to not know, for testing my loyalty or for putting me in the forefront of danger. Kai, I choose to serve you as both a friend and a Knight''.
''Rai…'' Alkaios says, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. ''What have we become?''
''Best friends''.
Alkaios shakes his head. ''You know that's not what I mean, our relationship was never fair, we both know that, and now… We're 22, we're young but…''
''We're making decisions that'll last a lifetime, you're worried about mistakes'', Rainier points out. ''Just like you said, we're 22, we still have time to make mistakes'', he says, his heart clenching inside his chest, his mind going back to that morning, when Lowe was begging him for the one thousandth time to stop his own death, yet here he is, claiming to still have a lifetime. ''But what we cannot fix are regrets of inaction''.
''Not when your life dictates an entire nation's, my life was never mine'', Alkaios says. ''I live for this nation, for my people, I have responsibilities, it'll never be as simple as a few mistakes, my mistakes can cost so much more''.
Rainier looks into his friend's eyes just to find only sadness and regret reflected in it.
''Do you wish to let go of it all? I can help you disappear if that's what you wish for.'', Rainier says with complete honesty.
''No'', the Prince shakes his head, walking towards the sofa and sitting down, completely exhausted. ''I don't hate my duties, and I love my people, I just wish sometimes, to be allowed to make mistakes. What if marrying Evangelia isn't the right thing to do, Rai? The Empress isn't just my wife or the mother of my future children…''
''Kai, sometimes we cannot control the results we get from the choices we make, most often than not, all we can do is try to make the right choice. Evangelia worked hard just as much as you to become Empress, the people love her, but they're not the ones sharing their lives with her, you are. So stop and think: is she the one you wish to have next to you when you're retired, old and alone?''
It takes him a second, but he nods. ''I love her more than I can fathom''.
''Then there's no use, all you can do, is hope she's the person we see her as, and that from now on, the life you'll both share will be one of love and happiness, because that's what you both deserve'', Rainier smiles, his heart throbs, but he pays no attention to it.
''Thank you, Rai, when you marry that servant, I'll give you the same speech'', Alkaios jokes with a half-smile, Rainier chuckles but doesn't answer. He doesn't wish to say that it'll never happen, especially since Lowe doesn't love him the way Alkaios and Evangelia love each other. ''Our children can still be friends'', the Prince points out, attempting to lighten the mood.
''Sure'', Rainier says, not that he thinks it'll ever happen.
Alkaios laughs, resting his head on his hands and sighing. ''I can't believe I'm getting married in two days, it feels unreal. Twelve years, Rai, I waited twelve years to call her my wife''.
''It's real Kai, and I hope you'll both be the happiest'', Rainier says with a weak smile.
They stay for a while talking, laughing, and acting like the friends they haven't acted like in years, as if a spark of their childhood friendship has been rekindled. Eventually, once the sun sets, Rainier leaves Alkaios' office, he attempts to calm his friend up, but even so, he is quite nervous himself.
To watch the woman he's been in love with for years getting married, even if now he has someone else he loves, it's… quite hurtful. He meant when he told Alkaios that he doesn't hate or blame him for everything, controlling one's heart is difficult, and if the situations were reversed, Rainier cannot say with full confidence that he wouldn't do the same.
With two days left, all he's been doing is covering perimeters, briefing other Knights and making sure everything is safe and secured for the wedding. Because of such hard and non-stop work, he was one of the few people allowed to go back home during the lockdown. And for two days, Alkaios even allowed him to take Lowe home with him so that he could unwind, however all it did was make him worry even more.
How can I stop our fights without giving in? He questions himself as he enters his carriage to go back to his mansion. His mind worked in a solution all the way back.
But whatever conclusion he came to, it's gone from his head the moment he sees his father's carriage parked in front of the mansion, his heart starts to pound, his head becoming foggy and his breath extremely unstable.
There isn't much an exemplar Knight fears, especially when not even death phases him. But to Rainier, his adoptive father was a source of admiration, survival and fear.
Even now, at twenty-two years of age, he cannot, for the life of him, be able to breathe properly when he knows what is coming.
''Calm down'', he murmurs to himself, holding the sides of the carriage seat and taking deep breaths as much as he's able to. ''He cannot hurt you anymore, he's old, you're young, he's a desk officer and you're a Knight'', he repeats those words until he's able to calm down his own heartbeat.
Duke Herald Bauldry is a fifty-six year old man that never married and has no rumored affairs, in the eyes of society he's a bachelor only focused on his career, a kind man that adopted an orphaned slum kid when he had nothing to gain from it. A man that didn't shy away from taking his adopted son around, as if they were flesh and blood, never referring to him as a bastard or as a problem.
Sure, he indeed is a bachelor, and indeed only cares about his own growth and greed. Even if that meant adopting a mongrel just to create a connection with the Emperor, and the worst part? It worked. He became close friends with the Emperor as his adopted son became a trusted ally of the Crown Prince.
The status, fame, money, everything that came from exploiting that orphaned child, made everything worth it. And the best part? He was still young enough to hold onto the title for more than thirty years before passing off to a blood related cousin and erasing that mongrel from his family tree, because thirty years from now the connections will already be made and the dirty kid will have already served his purpose.
There's no care, no love, no pity.
A relationship that was made to be give and take from the beginning, and that was something Rainier always understood, even as a powerless child. He had the memories of his real parents to cling onto, and their teachings to mold his morals. All he had to do is get as much as he's giving and then eventually fuck off to another Kingdom. At least that was his initial plan, before he got in too deep and became Alkaios' Captain Knight.
Now he's fearful of losing the title of Duke's son, fearful of losing his place as his best friend's Knight, fearful of a future he has no choice in.
And he knows there are a few things that the Duke never tolerated: bad manners, disobedience and being ashamed in front of the Emperor. Whenever Rainier acted like a commoner, or when he spoke out of turn, he would be whipped by the Duke, most often on his back or hands, sometimes he would be locked in a room with no food for a few days until the Duke calmed down.
At first he thought about running away and living on the streets again, but then he realized, that if he acted in a proper manner, if he was obedient and accepted whatever his father said, he would have a warm bed, warm food, money and power that he would never have as a beggar on the streets.
So he stayed, and he obeyed, he was the model son, so much so that most nobles that mocked him became fond of him. People that saw him as dirty accepted him into their circles. He became a model, a worthy Knight.
But nothing lasts forever.
Not even life.
And from the beginning, he knew what his father's reaction to his new relationship would be, but he pretended to be strong, to not care. He even told Lowe to not worry because if his father knew it wouldn't change anything.
He lied. It changes a lot, he could erase him from the family registry, or even make sure his reputation is forever tarnished that not even the Emperor could fix it. A man in power and not scared of using it.
But that doesn't mean Rainier doesn't have a plan, he does, but he's only 15% sure it'll work.
Slowly he opens the door of the carriage and walks towards the mansion, his hand hovering over the door handle for a few moments before taking a deep breath and opening.
Standing in the middle of the entryway is the Duke, his face red with anger, he's shorter than Rainier, but that doesn't make him look weaker, his full beard and well-styled brown hair makes him look like the staple noble, even his clothes have not a single speck of dust in them.
It's the rage in his brown eyes, though, that make Rainier flinch, even if he could, most probably, take the man down with a single move.
''Father'', Rainier says, bowing, but the man only stares at him in silence as he approaches him. Once the Duke is standing in front of his adoptive son, the man raises his hand and lands a loud and sharp slap on the young man's face.
Rainier stands there, not moving as his face stings.
''You have guts coming here after everything you did'', the man says. ''I can forgive a lot of your antics, child, but you dare to make me look like a fool?''
A deep breath is all that it takes for Rainier to be able to speak: ''I don't know what you're referring to''.
Another slap, just as loud as the first one.
''Shut up'', the Duke says, his face showing pure disgust, disappointment and rage. ''I took you in, I fed you, bathed you, clothed you, and this is how you repay me?''
''I thought I repaid you when you became close friends with the Emperor at my expense'', Rainier answers, taking in another slap, he doesn't flinch, even if it stings, he won't react. You can do this Rainier, you know he needs you just as much as you need him. As long as I am useful to Alkaios, I am useful to him.
He wants to laugh, my worth is only based on how much I am of use to those around me, huh?
''Ha.'' The Duke chuckles. ''I guess once you're born with mud for blood, you can never shift to gold''.
''My apologies'', Rainier says.
''Then enlighten me, child, if you're so sorry for angering me, then why did you drag my reputation to the mud by mingling with homosexuality? As far as I recall, I never allowed you to partake in such actions'', the Duke's gaze is cold, his anger is so palpable in the air, that the servants watching in the distance back off even more, scared of getting splattered with the man's anger.
''I don't know what you're talking about'', Rainier says again.
The man laughs. ''Of course, of course you don't'', he steps back. ''You were always a rebellious child, I thought I had disciplined you enough for you to understand how this works''.
''I understand it, father''.
''It doesn't look like it!'' The man yells, his face becoming fully red with anger. ''Having a dirty child was bearable, correcting you was only right as your guardian, but having a homosexual child?''
He pauses, as if he was choosing his words, Rainier stares at him, holding his tongue to not make things worse.
''You'll break up with that young boy and apologize to the Emperor for the embarrassment'', the Duke says.
''No''.
Rainier takes a deep breath, ready for the consequences of his answer.
''No? No? Who gave you a damn choice?'' The Duke yells again. ''You're mistaken if you think I'll accept to keep a disgusting homosexual for a child! Did you stop to think about what people will say? Do you know how it makes me look? As if I failed to raise a man!'', he yells and yells again, and all Rainier can do is stand there and take it. Because he needs this man to keep him as his son, even if his words make him want to grab his sword and detach his head from his neck. ''Absolutely vile'', he says. ''Men having relationships between each other is unnatural''.
''Father, I won't, and you shouldn't speak like that in front of the Emperor as well'', Rainier says calmly.
''Why? Because his second son is just as disgusting as you? Tell me something I don't know'', the man says, seemingly calming down. ''I'm sure Emperor Magnus is just as disturbed as I am, you should visit the Temple for a cleanse as well, disgusting''.
''I am not dirty, nor does the Emperor agree with your thoughts. It was him that approved of same-sex couples to register as married at the Temples, and even more, he funded the project that allowed same-sex couples with mana to have children though mana engineering'', Rainier speaks, as calmly as he can, he needs to convince his father. ''My partner is under Prince Nikias' entourage and even works closely with the Empress' butler; he was approved by both the Emperor and Crown Prince. Don't you think it would be even more embarrassing to go back on my word?''
He knows he makes sense, that if his father is a rational man he will give in. But sometimes people you deem rational, act irrationally.
''So you won't back down?''
''Sorry father, but no, I will marry that man, and you never wished for me to take on the Duke's title, so won't that be good for you as well? If you wish so, I can even sign a contract promising to never have children'', he's willing to go that far. Because to Rainier, Lowe was his salvation from pure misery, his safe haven, his precious person whom he could give his whole world to. Being with Lowe is like going back to that cabin in the woods with his parents, surrounded by peace and happiness.
To protect this feeling he'll do almost anything.
If needed he would even expose his father's embezzlement to the Emperor, or kill the man himself if that's what it took.
But first, he'll try to solve things peacefully, he cannot give Lowe more reasons to worry.
''Oh'', the man laughs. ''So you're willing to go that far for some dirty commoner's ass?''
Rainier clenches his fist behind his back, holding himself from punching the Duke. ''Yes, I am''.
''I see, then let's see how much you'll take before breaking'', the man signals a servant, there's no need to speak words, everyone working there for more than 10 years know what the signal means, even Rainier knows what's about to happen, but he doesn't back down.
His happiness is more than worthy of a few moments of pain.
❥
The sound of his own blood dripping on the floor, the sensation of the warmth on his back and the pain shocking his entire body as he limps towards the servant's wing of the Palace are nothing to Rainier, he's used to enduring pain, be it physiological or physical. But even if he's used to it, instead of retiring for the night, all he wants is to see Lowe, even if just for a moment. He knows he should heal his wounds before, but he cannot, if his father finds out, he'll beat him twice as much, at least that's how it was when he was a child.
Every hallway is practically empty as the Knights are allocated to the Royals' rooms and the servants have already retired to their own rooms. I'll just see him for a moment, the bleeding is on my back, I can pretend I'm fine, he tries to convince himself.
Back when he was a child, unable to fully control his mana, he kept healing during his father's punishments, and then the man would proceed to hit him even more. It might not have been his intention to go against the man, but now it's all engrained in his mind, to not heal himself immediately after being hurt, only when it becomes unbearable or when he needs to meet the Crown Prince or the Emperor, even then, sometimes he would just lie and say he got hurt during sword training.
Even then, he would never cry in front of the Duke, though, no, he would never shed his tears for a temporary pain like that, not when he knows true pain like the one he experienced when his parents died.
That's the true negative effect of having almost perfect memory.
Be it good, be it hell, he remembers it all to the last detail, even if he wished not to.
Once he's near the corridor where Lowe's room is at, he starts hearing yells and banging noises, but the moment he turns the corner and finally sees what's going on, that's when he feels his blood boiling inside his body.
The door of the twin's room is open, at the door standing still is Raphael, his clothes half-torn, his face red and his hand gripping so strongly on the door frame that his knuckles are white, his light-brown eyes are open in pure horror as he watches the situation, unable to move.
In front of Raphael are two people in a physical altercation, Lowe, whose clothes are torn, hair a mess and face contorted in anger, and Frode, who despite being taller than Lowe is struggling to get the man to let go of his clothes, his face shows a different kind of anger.
''You piece of shit, don't you dare lay hands on my brother again!'' Lowe yells, pushing Frode towards the wall, a faint black fog near their feet as Frode's face becomes red. ''If you even come near him I'll kill you, do you hear me?''
Although Frode is clearly at a disadvantage he scoffs, ''Cute, kitten, but your baby teeth don't even sting'', his words only make Lowe more angry, the fog becoming thicker. ''Maybe you should go back to sucking the Captain's cock, at least that way you can be of use''. Frode pushes Lowe back, making the man fall on the floor. ''Do you think you're strong enough to beat me just because I let you push me around a little?'' He scoffs, pulling a knife from his belt. ''Kill? For what? Kissing someone?''
Rainier freezes, not because he's scared or because he'll just watch what happens, but because he is healing his injuries first.
''Kissing? That's no kiss, you piece of shit!'' Lowe gets up, the corridor now filled with the thick black fog, except near Raphael, proving that the man has full control of his mana.
''That's a cute trick, but I'm immune to most poisons, kitty'' Frode laughs, approaching Lowe, placing the knife on his throat. ''I am inclined to kill you, but I care too much about your dear brother to make him sad''.
''Sure, and abusing him is fine?''
Frode's face darkens. ''Abusing? No.'', he shakes his head, the knife pressing closer to Lowe's skin. ''He said he was willing to try''.
Lowe takes a step forward, his neck being slightly punctured by the knife, ''And when he tried to push you away? Or when he said stop? Was that some sort of play? No, you're a disgusting man, and I don't give a shit if you like Raphael with that warped mind of yours. He doesn't like you so fuck the hell off!''
Rainier wants to jump into the fight, but he's still healing his injuries, and he can tell that Lowe is still in control of the situation.
''If I wanted to take him by force I would've done it by now!'' Frode yells, chuckling in disbelief. ''I was insanely patient! Talking with him, taking him to fancy dinners, I was even comprehensive when he said he wasn't ready to touch me, it was his choice to lead me on''.
''Lead you on?'' Lowe is yelling just as loud as Frode, it's surprising no one is leaving their rooms to look at the commotion, perhaps the servants of the Palace know better when they hear the voice of the crazy heir of the Abel march. ''He said multiple times he didn't like you! He said multiple times he wasn't attracted to men and even more he even said you made him sick!'' Lowe stares Frode directly in the eyes. ''He made clear time and time again he was uninterested, and then you did what? Kept following him around, harassing him, talking as if he was leading you on by not getting the Prince involved, even more, you think you have leverage to blackmail my brother? Do you truly believe any of the Princes will be on your side?''
Frode leans forward, his breath on Lowe's face. ''I've killed hundreds for the Empire, I have medals on the walls of my mansion, I have a respectable position and am heir to a march, remind me again, who are you? Even if the Princes disagree with my stance, do you think they would risk losing the support of the Abel family for any of you? You must be delusional''.
''You're the delusional one for thinking you're anything better than a war dog'', Rainier finally steps in.
''Ha, of course, did he pull your collar all over here?'' Frode says, his eyes darken and it's clear he's entering one of his rampages. The only time Rainier witnessed this was when he was visiting one of the marches where they were having a small battle with the Whisperia Kingdom. Frode alone killed sixteen men in the span of five minutes, and that's when Rainier understood what Alkaios meant when he said that Frode was an unstable explosive waiting to blow. ''How cute, you came to defend your little boyfriend''.
''Back off Frode, you know what will happen if Alkaios learns of this'', Rainier tries to use reason, he can see through Lowe's eyes that if he doesn't defuse the situation, the man is about to kill a member of the nobility. A high-ranking one at that.
''Nothing will happen dear Captain, my value is just greater than theirs'', Frode says pointing at the twins. ''You know what? I'm sick of this whole love shit, if he doesn't want me willing then perhaps I should just get him to be with me regardless''.
''Just try it, you piece of shit!'' Lowe groans in anger, attempting to lean towards Frode, but is pushed back by Rainier, who takes the opportunity to heal the man's injuries. ''Rainier, let me give that man a little taste of my poison''.
''Stop Lowe, it's not worth it'', Rainier says.
''Ha, right, kitten, stay still while your boyfriend pretends to take care of the situation'', Frode mocks.
The sound of bones breaking is so loud it echoes through all of the hallways of the Servant's wing, Rainier's hand is red and bruised, which he heals it almost immediately, while Frode fell onto the ground with the impact, his face completely red with his own blood and his jaw dislocated.
''Son of a bitch!'' Frode says while moaning in pain.
Rainier crouches next to Frode's face. ''Don't worry, I'll heal you nicely'', he smiles, grabbing Frode's face firmly, slowly healing the wounds, getting up. But when Frode attempts to get up as well, Rainier steps onto his hand, breaking it, the sound is just as loud as the punch. ''Sorry, my bad'', he says, healing the man's hand, just to proceed to kick the man on his ribs, breaking it. Frode groans in pain.
''You think this is enough to beat me?'' Frode is still able to laugh even if his face is still covered in his own blood. ''I survived battlefields, this is nothing''.
''Oh, of course'', Rainier smiles, he turns to Lowe. ''Get in pup, take care of your brother, It'll be a while''.
Lowe looks at his boyfriend in the eyes, quickly understanding the situation and entering his room with his brother, once the door is closed behind them, all they can hear is the pained groans of the future Margrave and the sound of his bones breaking, again, and again.