One thing that Xisheng hadn't particularly missed about regular army life was sleeping among lots of other people. Whether in the field or in the barracks, it was hard to deny that sleeping alongside many other soldiers was tough. Especially if any of them were loud sleepers. But the first night on the new shores of the Earth Kingdom, Xisheng hadn't been forced to return to that lifestyle, even though he had expected to. When he was ready to sleep for the night, one of the crew informed him that he had his own tent, as specifically instructed by Azula.
Subtle though it was, it was well and truly clear that he existed in a different echelon of value to her than common soldiers. Not that he had been unaware of that fact, but it was still a little shocking to know that Azula thought of such a small comfort on his behalf. That such a thing had even occurred to her at all spoke volumes of his current station.
Part of him was worried that the rest of the crew would be a little jealous about that, but after the escapade with the Earth Kingdom Navy vessel, Xisheng appeared to be on their collective good side. Made sense: he had played a vital role in keeping everyone alive there at the very end. Besides, it wasn't like this was really any different from the ship. He'd gotten his own small cabin there as well, rather than being forced to sleep in the crew quarters.
Either way, he had spent the night in a small but enclosed tent, which was nice. Unfortunately, he didn't get to enjoy the quiet of slumber for nearly as long as he would have liked. He wasn't quite sure what time it was when it occurred, but at some point in the early hours of the morning, Xisheng heard the flap to his tent being pushed aside, accompanied by a surge in brightness from the rising sun outside. Before he even got a chance to really respond to any of this from the grogginess of sleep, Xisheng heard what he could have sworn was a stifled yelp as the tent flap was closed once more, and quite suddenly.
Well, that warranted investigating. Especially since there were only three girls in camp, and it certainly wasn't any of the crew who had made a noise so... cute. Still, having been in the depths of slumber when this occurred, it took Xisheng a good minute to sit up, shake the stars out of his eyes, and stretch a kink out of his arm, coincidentally the one that had spent so long in a sling. Only after that did he manage to actually crawl towards the tent flap and push it open so he could appraise the outside world.
First, he noted that it was barely dawn. The sun was only just now rising above the horizon. It just happened to be at an angle that let it shine into his tent when the flap was open. Secondly, Azula was standing not far from said tent, with her back turned to him and fingers pinching the bridge of her nose. Of special note was the lack of her usual armor, which, in hindsight, Xisheng had rarely seen her without. Sometimes he forgot how slim and petite she really was under the imposing armor that added artificial broadness to her shoulders.
Either way, Xisheng was curious to know what was going on here. No one else appeared to be up at this time, so it wasn't like anyone else could have intruded on his sleep other than Azula.
"Uh, Princess?"
In what was a very rare display of nervousness, Azula jumped a little as she glanced over her shoulder at him, which seemed a little odd since she surely must have expected him to exit the tent after an intrusion. Or perhaps she hadn't thought he'd actually heard any of it. Either way, Xisheng noted that her face was beet red for some reason, almost matching the shade of her clothes. In this moment, she looked like a startled deerhound that had accidentally stumbled onto another animal. Needless to say, this wasn't a look Xisheng had ever seen on her, and he wasn't sure what to make of it. Granted, the early amber lightning of the dawn may have been responsible for the color he thought he was seeing, but still, her expression was confusing to him. Unfortunately, having just returned to the land of the living, he wasn't in any mental shape to start unraveling the mystery.
At any rate, Azula turned away from him almost immediately, crossing her arms and attempting to come off as nonchalant. Unfortunately for her, her nervous tone of voice, higher pitched than usual, betrayed her. That was to say nothing about the sense of her trying too hard to appear normal. She was way too stiff.
"Ah, X-Xisheng, good morning! What awakens you at this hour?"
The sleepy soldier cocked an eyebrow at her. "Uh, I'm pretty sure you did?"
"N-nonsense, my footfalls are hardly that loud. Surely you must be mistaken."
Xisheng squinted at the young girl's back, keenly aware of the fact that she was pointedly looking away from him and fidgeting a bit more than usual: fidgeting at all was more than Azula usually did. It didn't take an engineer to see that she was lying, and not very well at that, which was immensely surprising for her of all people.
Xisheng could press her on this matter further, but was it even worth doing so? The likely outcomes were that she would either continue to deny whatever was happening or she would get angry with him for not taking a hint. Besides, it always seemed smarter to him to investigate these odd moments in silence than to let people know he was thinking about them too hard, especially when said people were obviously trying to downplay the situation. For now, he'd let Azula think he was fooled. There was plenty of time to ponder this odd exchange later.
"I suppose so. I did have some weird dreams throughout the night, so maybe that just woke me up. Still, what are you doing up at this time?"
Under ordinary circumstances, Azula probably would have been very wary of things going this smoothly. But at the moment, she seemed more than content to accept what seemed like a win on the surface. "Well, I was coming to get you. I told you we would have things to do this week."
"That you did. This early though?"
"Of course. We have a long and hard-"
For some reason, Azula's face took on a bit more of that crimson hue for a moment, as she caught herself and rephrased. Very curious.
"-a task that will require a significant amount of time and effort to accomplish. E-especially if we wish to accomplish it before feasibly engaging in some battle once again. We mustn't let any time go to waste!"
Honestly, Xisheng was still really curious about Azula's odd behavior this morning, but knowing that she was referring to new lessons on the most powerful art of Firebending, he promptly shelved those thoughts in favor of the latter. Today was the day he might learn to control even the frightening power of lightning. He couldn't help but allow the thought of it to dominate his mind.
"Very well, Princess. I'm sure you know better than anyone. Just allow me to don my boots, and I'll be ready."
Honestly, Xisheng considered putting on his armor as well, even though it wasn't like he would really need it for anything. He was just so used to wearing it that he almost felt naked without it. But at the same time, he figured it would be nice to be free of the extra weight for a day. Besides, he didn't know what this training would entail, and perhaps the armor would get in the way. For now, he'd leave it in his tent. The possibility of needing it for some reason didn't leave his mind completely, but statistically speaking, he knew it was very unlikely, so Xisheng was comfortable enough with that knowledge.
Apparently, his decision to not further prod Azula about her odd behavior helped the young girl regain some semblance of stoicism, as by the time Xisheng had his boots on, she appeared to be back to her normal self. "Come on, then. We must find a place suitably removed from camp to train. I told the Captain last night to inform his men that they would do very well to stay far away from us during this training, but you never know what fool will disregard threats of death."
Xisheng cocked an eyebrow at Azula as he began to follow her away from the camp and towards the forest surrounding the camp. "Threats of death? Surely that's a bit dramatic..."
In stark contrast to but a few minutes earlier, Azula glanced back at him with deadly seriousness. "On the contrary. Bending lightning is one of, if not the most closely guarded secret in Firebending. I cannot allow that secret to be revealed to anyone that I don't trust implicitly."
Knowing full well that she wouldn't joke about something like that, Xisheng posed a question now that they had left the camp far behind them. He didn't know how much of this conversation was sensitive information.
"If you don't mind me asking, why is that? I've seen you use it, so I've no doubt that it's immensely powerful, but to be guarded that carefully?"
Azula returned her attention to the forest around her, likely looking for a suitable location to carry out their goals. "There are many reasons, I suppose. For one, it gives the Royal Family an edge in public perception. Our political system heavily relies on public perception of us being the most powerful and most suited to rule. Possessing a special technique that is nigh unheard of outside of the Royal Family certainly helps with that. On the other hand, it's just dangerous to have such a powerful technique available to the masses. It has the greatest range of all Firebending techniques, is extremely lethal, and even as far as I know, cannot be countered short of the attack being blocked or outright missing. It would be a very powerful tool of assassination. Call it paranoia, but I think it's fair that the Royal Family wouldn't want it to be common knowledge."
"Can't be countered...? Why? If a Firebender can generate lightning in the first place, it stands to reason that another Firebender could control it just like fire, right? You know, like when an opponent takes control of your fireball after you launch it."
To this, Azula merely shrugged. "Simply put, it's too powerful. I tried many times when my father was teaching me the technique. Loathe as I am to say it, even I could not exert my will over a bolt of lightning after it was in motion. With normal fire, you generate the attack, but it is easy to restrain and control. Lightning is also generated by you, but within moments it becomes too powerful to contain. Think of it like an explosion that occurs almost as soon as you light the fuse: while you may have been the one to light said fuse, the strength of the actual explosion is beyond your ability to control."
As the two of them continued walking even further from the camp, Xisheng figured he may as well keep asking questions. After all, this knowledge was all going to be relevant very soon. "But you said the entire reason I needed to learn compressed Firebending was to see if I could control large amounts of power. If lightning is too powerful to be controlled, what was the point of that?"
"That's a fair question. But you may as well wait for an answer until I am explaining the entire process, yes? It will make more sense in that context anyway. Besides, you won't have to wait long for it: I believe this location is far enough away from camp to avoid prying eyes and ears."
Looking around them, Xisheng noticed that they had stopped in a very small clearing. Honestly, calling it a clearing at all was probably a bit generous. There was only about thirty feet of space between any one tree and the one opposite of the clearing. "Here? There's not a lot of room to maneuver..."
Azula waved off his concern. "That's of no consequence. Generating lightning has little to do with the legs. You can perform the technique without ever moving from the place you stand, so a great deal of space is not necessary."
Considering that he had seen Azula generate lightning before in just such a fashion, Xisheng figured he wouldn't inquire any further on that front. Seeing that he wasn't going to ask anything else right away, Azula wasted no time in beginning her explanation of firebending's most legendary skill.
"Chi comes in two forms. Xisheng. Or rather, chi itself is a combination of two different types of energy. The physical, and the spiritual: yin and yang. All humans possess yin and yang energies, but they combine into chi on their own. This occurs naturally without any will or intent on a person's part, like our hearts beating or breathing. This is because the yin and yang energies are always striving to be together, to coalesce into a unified whole. Understanding this aspect of chi is the core principle behind generating lightning."
While he didn't quite understand where exactly this was going, Xisheng was at least following Azula's logic right this moment. "Alright..."
"These yin and yang energies may come together naturally, and there's nothing a bender has to do to make it happen. However, a Firebender can force the opposite to occur: you can separate the yin and yang energies from each other, dividing them into their raw states. It's incredibly taxing and can only be done very briefly, but that is all you need. You see, the yin and yang energies combine rather gently when left to their own devices. But when you forcefully drive a wedge between them, that changes. They struggle to reunite, pushing against the wedge holding them apart. When you take that wedge away, that reunification is unnaturally sudden, and thus, rather violent. There will be an explosion of chi unlike anything you have felt in normal firebending, and you will have to control it for the briefest of moments. That is why I had you train in compressed firebending before coming to this."
Xisheng stood quietly as he took all of this in. So far, it was all making sense. "I see. Er, what happens if you can't control that explosion of power? And how long do you actually have to control it?"
Azula focused her gaze on him. "Only for a moment. A split second, really. In fact, it's nearly impossible to hold onto it longer than that. Compressed firebending is as close as you can get to a similar experience, but make no mistake, it's several magnitudes less powerful. You cannot hold onto the power of lightning the same way you would a compressed flame. While difficult, you could feasibly compress firebending for several minutes and contain it without risk. Lightning is a different beast. As for what happens if you can't control it for the brief time it is required of you... suffice to say that the result is excruciating."
Considering that Azula had learned to bend lightning herself, and that she had admitted once to having to master things with time and effort just like everyone else, Xisheng couldn't help but feel a little anxious. What would someone like Azula consider 'excruciating'? Then again, he'd probably been hurt a lot more often than she had, so maybe her perception of pain was biased? Even so, that thought was only a small comfort.
"Well, I'll pretend that doesn't make me nervous."
"I'd say that you don't have to worry too much, but if I'm being honest with you, Xisheng, you will probably hurt yourself at least once or twice. I don't think anyone could master this skill without trial and error, seeing as how lightning bending is unlike any form of firebending you have done before."
"How so? Well, other than the whole separating yin and yang thing, of course..."
Azula took a fighting stance as she directed her attention to one of the nearby trees. "Unless you are an amateur, fire is always under the control of a Firebender. It does as you will, and does not stray from your control unless you allow it. Lightning does not bow to any master. Unlike typical firebending, which is well and truly manipulating an element in its entirety, 'controlling' lightning is only a matter of guiding its power in a direction of your choosing. Recall our explosive analogy: you can light the fuse, and you can choose where the explosion goes off, but you cannot actually control the explosion. You can only affect where it goes, and there is no stopping it once it occurs."
The Princess made a windmill like motion with one of her arms. "When you generate lightning, there will be an explosion. It cannot be contained, only directed."
She made the same motion with her other arm. "The explosion will start in your abdomen. It will attempt to spread throughout your body without direction or restraint at a frightening speed."
Azula pulled both arms together for a moment, the tips of her index and middle fingers on both hands hovering close to one another. "You must control it for a brief moment. Just long enough to guide it from your abdomen, through you torso, along your arm and through your fingers, to achieve...this."
The young girl jabbed her right arm forward, and a blue and white flash of light erupted from her fingertips. With the short distance between herself and the target, Xisheng barely caught a glimpse of the white streak of lightning she had created before it impacted a tree before them with an earsplitting crack. While Xisheng barely saw the actual attack, the aftermath was more than clear: the trunk of the target tree had split asunder, with its innards aflame. One half of the tree was falling to the earth moments afterward, thanks to the now lacking support of its destroyed trunk. The thud of the treetop colliding with dirt was difficult to even hear over the ringing in Xisheng's ears and the crackling flames that danced inside of the poor pillar of nature.
Releasing a breath, Azula glanced over at him as Xisheng admired her handiwork. "I promise you, anyone who had been hit by that directly would be dead. And though I hate to admit it, this isn't even the full potential of lightning. My father could generate a strike like that in the blink of an eye."
Xisheng swallowed hard, admittedly quite stricken by the destructive power of Azula's attack. It was hard to imagine what a direct hit against a human being would have looked like. For the briefest of moments, he had qualms about actually learning this, but ultimately, such doubts were swept away. If he did use this technique to take someone's life in the future, it wasn't like it was any different from doing it with any other method. If anything, an attack like this would probably result in much less pain simply by merit of how swift it did its work.
"It's truly incredible, I must admit. Do you... really trust me to learn this?"
Oddly enough, Azula actually seemed a little surprised by this question. It wasn't often that Xisheng expressed doubt in himself like that. "Well, I certainly trust that you won't use it for anything that would make me regret teaching you. As for whether or not I believe if you can master it at all, I wouldn't bother even trying to teach it to you at all if I thought otherwise. Try not to get too big of head, but... you are the best Firebender I know personally, outside of my family. You have my confidence on this matter."
Hearing all of that from Azula, and quite earnestly at that, Xisheng's doubts faded away. Certainly, Azula was someone who was certain of what she saw in others. He would surely meet her expectations. He had to.
"Thank you for your faith, Azula. I know that's not something that is given lightly."
Seeing that he was in a better mood, and specifically thanks to her, Azula hid a smile of her own by turning towards the tree she had destroyed a moment ago so she could smother the flames with her firebending before things got out of hand.
"Yes, well, let's focus on the actual mechanics of you pulling off this technique, shall we? The most important part of this entire technique is being able to separate the physical and spiritual energies that make up your chi, something you've never been required to do for any other firebending technique. Separating the physical energy is easy enough: you have plenty of experience in manipulating your chi from a physical point of view. It's the spiritual side of things that will be difficult to grasp at first. After all, it's difficult for some people to even get a firm grasp on what 'the spirit" is. What defines a person's spirit, Xisheng?"
Admittedly, this was kind of a hard answer to provide. After all, the concept of the human spirit was a little abstract. One could argue that it was like a person's soul, but then you had to ask what defined a person's soul, and that question was just as tricky.
"Well, uh... a sense of self, I guess? One's thoughts, emotions, consciousness, and the like. I can't really think of anything else that would describe a person's spirit, as it were."
"It's as good of an explanation as any, isn't it? And probably quite close to the truth. After all, would you say that anything lacking those qualities has a spirit? Rocks? Grass? Water? Spirit is a combination of all the things you mentioned, the things that separate the sapient from the inanimate. That said, mental and emotional control are how one goes about manipulating their spiritual energy. To bend lightning, you will need both in spades: razor sharp mental focus and perfect emotionless clarity. Only then will you be able to manipulate both your mental and physical energies to generate lightning."
Xisheng's face fell almost immediately upon Azula's words. Those sounded like the exact things he had serious problems with. Well, not the emotional clarity part: he didn't have too much issue with emotional turmoil even at the worst of times, in his opinion. But razor sharp mental focus? Exactly how sharp really was that? Would an errant thought interrupt the whole process of generating lightning? If something else demanded his attention in the middle of a fight, while he was generating the attack, would it fail? If he allowed any part of his mind to wander somewhere else, no matter how important that somewhere else may be, would it prevent him from accomplishing his goal? If any of that was true, well... suffice to say, it would likely end up being the largest obstacle he had ever faced in training for any skill.
But he didn't raise these concerns to Azula. The last thing he wanted to do before he even tried was plant the seeds of doubt in her as to whether or not he could do this. Because he didn't say anything, Azula took this as a sign to continue her explanation.
"Once you have the ability to separate your yin and yang energy, it's just a matter of holding them apart for a moment to facilitate that explosive reunion. Once that happens, it will be quite similar to your compressed firebending training. You'll have to contain that immense power, prevent it from flowing into your body as a whole and ensure that the path of least resistance is through your arm and out of your fingertips. Just do what you did before with your firebending, except, instead of compressing the energy from all sides, you'll compress it from every side except one: the one direction that you want the energy to flow."
Still worried about the spiritual side of this entire exercise, Xisheng acknowledged what he was being told, but nothing more. "I understand..."
Azula cocked an eyebrow at him, a little surprised that he had no questions or comments. "Is that so? Well, the good news is, the first part of your training is mostly going to be nothing more than meditation. After all, you've never had to manipulate your chi in such a specific manner before. You likely don't even know how it feels to try and pick out the specific elements of your chi to manipulate them in the first place. You won't be moving onto anything physical until you can manage that part. Unfortunately, that is also a part I can't directly help you with. I can't exactly tell you how to meditate, or how to search within yourself, or how to best 'feel' what you need to feel. I imagine everyone has different ways of doing those things, and you'll have to figure out what works for you."
The Crown Princess turned towards the general direction of the camp they had left behind. "That also means I won't be staying with you for this part of the process, seeing as how I have nothing to offer for it. If anything, my presence would only make it more difficult for you to achieve the focus you need. Plus, I'm sure I can find something valuable to do with my time rather than sit around and watch you meditate, don't you think?"
Secretly, Xisheng was glad that Azula apparently had no intention of sticking around at this juncture. That would make it much easier on him, as he grappled with some serious problems that he could already foresee with this training. "Indeed, Princess. You're right on all of those points. Am I right in saying that I should remain out here for the day?"
"Well, unless you make some sort of incredible breakthrough that would require you to fetch me for guidance on the next step, that would probably be for the best. Though I of course won't fault you for returning for food when you require it. I have no other responsibilities for you to attend to until we leave this place, so you may as well devote your time fully to your training."
"Very well. In that case, I'll begin right away. Don't wait up on my account. I know your time is precious."
Frankly, Azula felt that her precious time had been perfectly well-spent this morning, but she wasn't going to say that out loud. "Indeed. Carry on, then. I will be at the camp."
With farewells said, it wasn't long before Xisheng found himself alone deep in the forest, with only the occasional chirping of birds to disturb the quiet. Taking a deep breath, he glanced up at the sky and contemplated the imminent travails of his life.
"...shit."
---
The first day of Xisheng's training was very uneventful. He sat alone, in a pose one would normally adopt for meditation, and tried his best to gain a new understanding of his chi and the elements that comprised it. On the surface, that sounded like a pretty easy thing to do, but it wasn't really. How did one just... 'feel' something they hadn't before? Especially something so vague? It was like asking someone to feel the actual functioning of an organ or something. You couldn't really just sit down and actually feel your lungs working. Sure, you could feel it in the sense that they pushed on other parts of you body as you breathed, but you didn't actually feel the lungs.
Or, if you could, it was probably a feeling that barely ever registered in someone's mind. After all, the brain liked to do this nifty little thing called ignoring the sensation of natural bodily functions. If you were constantly aware of every bodily function happening naturally all the time, that would be maddening. So the mind tuned those sorts of things out. Sometimes, you could focus on them intentionally and feel them again, but it wasn't always easy. Needless to say, chi, or rather, the yin and yang energies combining to make chi, was a natural process that most people weren't even aware of. So it was mentally difficult to actually pinpoint it, to even be aware of it and how it felt.
Needless to say, it was harder to gain new awareness of one's internal body and mind than it seemed. It was also especially hard for Xisheng.
As he had already come to realize, he was not the meditating type. There were two types of meditation: the type where you focused entirely on one thing, and the type where the goal was to become so unaware of your surroundings that you entered some sot of zen state. Xisheng was not suited for either of these, for the same particular reason.
He was a mental wanderer, and someone who saw everything as part of a larger web of relevant thoughts or possibilities. Hearing the crunch of a branch in the woods wasn't something that just passed over him without import. He had to ask what made the noise, had to consider whether or not he should be concerned, had to ask what had led to the noise and if the thing that had caused it was a potential problem. Thoughts like that led to thoughts of what kind of wildlife may be out here, and what he might need to do if something dangerous came across him. And thoughts like that led him to wonder whether or not the camp sentry was paying attention all the time, and whether or not the camp had the proper gear with them to tend to a serious injury if one occurred.
This was just how Xisheng was. An integral part of his consciousness. He was always paying attention to his surroundings, and always considering the far-reaching implications of things that occurred to him, even if he could acknowledge that those implications were unlikely to matter. Some might call this a lack of mental discipline, but he thought it was a form of mental discipline in its own way. Sure, there was value to being able to hyper fixate on one thing and one thing alone, but there was also value in being able to spread one's focus along a broader spectrum.
Still, whatever value it may have had, it didn't help Xisheng in this particular endeavor. There were moments of internal clarity as he tried to focus on his chi and its flow, but they never lasted long. Needless to say, instead of making one big breakthrough with this, he was putting it together piece by piece. By the end of the first day, Xisheng was fairly certain that he had at least gotten a feel for both the yin and yang energies of his chi, but he hadn't possessed enough time to actually attempt manipulating them in any way.
He had spent practically the entirety of that first day away from camp, and didn't make it back until night had already fallen and most everyone was asleep, so Xisheng ended up eating alone and going to bed without speaking to anyone. The following morning, he reported his progress to Azula, who, to her credit, didn't seem displeased with what Xisheng considered slow progress. After that, he had returned to the same place in the woods as before, and continued his training.
Aware of what he was working on today, Azula had recommended that Xisheng start very, very small. To separate the yin and yang energies in a very small amount, and for a very brief period of time. No point in trying to generate a full power bolt of lightning on his first try, when he didn't even have a feel for it in the first place.
Unfortunately, even starting small was turning out to be a problem for Xisheng. Manipulating the physical part of his chi was easy: it was the spiritual part that refused to cooperate with him. And without that, the whole thing was bust. If you were trying to pull something apart, you couldn't do that by pulling on just one side of it, because the other side would move with it. You had to pull from both ends. Being able to manipulate the physical energy alone didn't actually help Xisheng separate it from the spiritual energy, which was required to generate lightning at all.
Undoubtedly, the issue was that 'razor sharp mental focus and emotional clarity' thing that Azula had talked about. You needed both to be able to manipulate your spiritual energy, and due to not having one, Xisheng was pretty sure he didn't have either. He'd focus for a time, but inevitably lose it before achieving any type of result. Was there a better way to do this? Did some workaround exist? What if he just wasn't capable of it? Would Azula be disappointed in him?
Thinking those things invariably brought other thoughts to the fore, any one of which was enough to ruin Xisheng's attempt at bending lightning. Naturally, such failures frustrated and agitated him, further compounding the problem. And that was to say nothing about the anxiety and fear he felt at the notion of just not being able to do it at all. He was one of the few people in the whole world being granted the privilege to learn this legendary technique. He couldn't be incapable of it after that.
The second day ended with no results. For his own sanity, Xisheng told himself it was only due to problems that could easily be overcome the next day.
His report to Azula that day had earned a momentary frown, but ultimately she'd taken it in stride, and offered advice that likely sounded quite helpful from her point of view. Things like 'focus on the moment' and 'pretend that nothing else anywhere matters'. She'd talked about certain bending motions, but the problem was that she took for granted that Xisheng could get to the part where lightning was being generated in the first place. But even so, Xisheng hadn't told his teacher that such advice was worthless to him. For him, focusing on a moment meant acknowledging all of the things that one moment affected. As for trying to ignore everything that mattered except what he was doing, he was incapable of doing that too. Those other things did matter, and he couldn't just eliminate awareness of them from his mind at any time. He just wasn't built that way.
Maybe he should have told Azula that his problem wasn't the actual bending, but rather the required mental and emotional state to make it happen. But for once, irrational fear won out over common sense. If he told her that, she might just write him off as having the potential to do it. After all, it wasn't like she could alter how his mind worked. So he didn't say anything. He'd figure it out by himself, let her think he was just having a little trouble with the spiritual energy bit, but that he would definitely get it and then return to her for guidance on the actual lightning bending. He didn't want to disappoint her.
Needless to say, Xisheng hadn't been in the mood to casually spend time with anyone on the second night either.
The third day was when Xisheng's frustration reached new heights. Having spent all morning to focus on this mountain of an obstacle, Xisheng had also skipped lunch to continue his seemingly fruitless efforts at generating lightning. It was currently that one hour that existed between afternoon and dusk, and the soldier was no closer to his goal than he had been the day before. At this point, he was beyond mere frustration. He was furious, entirely at himself for being so useless. The strongest technique in all of firebending, which he had only been taught the secret to thanks to the incredibly valuable trust of the Crown Princess, and and he couldn't fucking do it. It was maddening.
Desperate to make any sort of headway, Xisheng was essentially just trying to brute force it now. Something he was pretty certain he wasn't supposed to do. Maybe if he allowed his anger and agitation to hone his focus for just a moment, he could do it. Azula had talked like the whole process lasted just a moment. Surely, one moment of complete and total mental focus, even combined with a tumultuous emotional state, would be fine, right? If he could just generate the lightning to begin with, it was just a matter of guiding it physically. He just had to get to that part.
So he threw the controlled option to the wind. Xisheng channeled the components of his chi as best he could: in his uncontrolled anger, the physical energy was easily manipulated, yanked away from the spiritual probably a bit too hard. The spiritual energy failed to completely separate itself from the physical, still following it as it was pulled away, but Xisheng was certain that he had managed to separate some of it. Who cared if it was a clean separation? Supposedly, all you needed was for yin and yang to violently recombine. Did it really matter how much or how little, or if there was more physical energy and less spiritual energy reuniting?
Somewhere in the back of his mind, Xisheng knew that it did. That was why, just before those energies messily slammed together due to their incomplete separation, a thought intruded on his focus.
I really hope this doesn't kill me.
The yin and the yang slammed together, completely without balance due to the inherently unbalanced way they had been separated in the first place. There was indeed an explosion of power in Xisheng's abdomen, far beyond anything that he had experienced in firebending. It was also completely and totally without any semblance of control. In must have only been a split second, but Xisheng could feel it spreading out in all directions from the center, racing towards every inch of his body. Problem was, it wasn't doing it equally: perhaps because of the unbalanced nature of the reunion, the energy was spreading haphazardly, with more of it expanding one way than the other, some of it barely moving at all, and the rest doing whatever the fuck it felt like. There was nothing remotely predictable or structured about it.
Fearful, Xisheng instinctively tried to force force the energy towards his right arm, but that was immensely hard to do considering how wildly it was spreading. He couldn't tell how much he needed to push back and where, or where he needed to let it pass so it would really go where he wanted it to. It was impossible to really tell any of that thanks to the unpredictability of it all. This was probably why you were supposed to separate and combine the energies in perfect equilibrium: a balanced reunion of the two energies meant a balanced and predictable spread of energy from the point of impact, which would be much easier to guide.
By some miracle, Xisheng briefly got the explosion of chi under control, clumsily directing it mostly towards his arm, though not without a great deal of pain as it struggled to move fluidly. Maybe it was the fear and racing thoughts, or maybe it was because he just had no experience trying to control power of this magnitude, but Xisheng only partially succeeded in guiding the energy away. He managed to guide it to his shoulder, but lost his already tenuous hold at that time. A searing pain shot through both his left arm and his left leg a split second after losing that control, to say nothing about the way his abdomen cramped with more force than he thought possible for human muscles. There was no crack of lightning, no brilliant blast, just the sound of Xisheng crumpling to the ground unceremoniously as he folded in on himself like someone who had been knocked unconscious.
For a few moments, Xisheng was unable to do anything other than contort in pain, gritting his teeth as the sensation of burning limbs took over his left side. That said, it was nothing compared to the agony in his lower torso right now. He was cramping so uncontrollably that it was actually impossible to straighten himself, and he imagined the pain must have been similar to how it felt to be skewered on a blade.
Even several moments later, when the cramps subsided somewhat, the downed soldier was only able to cough and gasp as his torso was allowed to relax somewhat. Once he caught his breath though, it wasn't used for anything worthwhile.
"Fuck! Shit! Son of a bitch! D-damnit..."
Slamming the one fist that wasn't shaking uncontrollably into the ground, Xisheng cursed at the darkening sky above him. This was just too cruel. What ungodly twist of fate had decided that this would happen? He would rather have just never been given the opportunity to bend lightning at all, rather than receive said opportunity only to be unable to make anything of it.
The soldier took a few deep breaths to try and calm his frustration as he crossed his one alright arm over his eyes, but it didn't really help. That was probably why he didn't notice the sound of anyone else in the clearing around him.
"Gohan? H-hey, are you alright?"
Removing the arm that obstructed his vision, Xisheng was surprised to find Mai peering over him, a genuinely obvious expression of concern on her face. Oddly enough, the first thought that occurred to him was not an answer to her question at all.
"Mai... what are you doing out here?"
"Got bored, decided to take a walk. Stumbling across you wasn't hard after you started yelling."
Ordinarily, that sentiment might have been a little amusing, but for obvious reasons, Xisheng couldn't find any humor in it right now. Either way, Mai redirected the conversation back to her initial question. "Gohan, are you hurt? Your arm, and your leg... and, um... your face..."
She seemed a little sheepish at that last part, which was a little confusing. Xisheng touched his hand to his face, noticing that it was a bit wet. There had obviously been a few tears shed. Ironically, Xisheng was pretty certain they were tears of frustration, and not pain. The excruciating pain he had suffered was of that odd variety: so intense that you rarely shed tears over it. Perhaps Mai was sheepish to point this out because many men were embarrassed to be caught crying. Well, whatever. Xisheng wasn't so insecure about his image that he thought it ruined by such a thing.
"I'm... fine. Just training."
Mai glanced down at Xisheng's left leg, which was still constantly twitching, though not as badly as his arm was shaking. The look on her face was clearly unconvinced. "Uh-huh... you don't really think I'm going to believe that, right?"
"I meant I'm fine as in I'm not dying, not in regards to not feeling pain, or that I'm not bothered by anything."
This clarification obviously didn't make Mai feel any better about the situation. She knew what he was up to out here, since Azula had been quite eager to state, and quite proudly, that he was learning to bend lightning when Ty Lee had asked where Gohan was. Azula had mentioned that it would be difficult, but Mai hadn't expected something like this.
"I think you need to take a break, Gohan. For the rest of today for sure. Maybe tomorrow, we should practice some knife-throwing instead? It's been awhile since-"
Mai didn't get to finish her suggestion, since Xisheng snapped at her for what may have been the first time since they met. "Dammit, Mai, I'm trying to master the most valuable technique in all of firebending! I don't want to learn how to throw a fucking knife!"
Considering that it had never happened before, Mai was totally unprepared for this angry response, even recoiling out of her leaning position. Hearing something that hurtful from Gohan was the last thing she had expected, honestly. And man, it seriously stung. It always hurt more to hear something like that from someone you didn't expect it from.
Xisheng covered his eyes with his hand and took a deep breath, which caught a bit as he did so. "I'm sorry... you didn't deserve that."
Breathing a sigh of her own, Mai crouched down to get a closer look at her friend. "I sure didn't, jackass. You want to tell me what that was all about?"
Xisheng uncovered his eyes so he could glance at Mai again. "You aren't angry? I just said something pretty horrible to you."
"Well, I'm not going to pretend it didn't hurt. But I know you, so I know better than to take it too seriously. Plus it took you all of two seconds to sincerely apologize, so I can't be too mad. It's not like I can say that I've never lashed out at someone either. But I think this is the first time you've ever done it, so you know I can't help but ask."
Xisheng sighed. "Not like there's much to say about it. It's exactly what I said: I've got the chance to learn one of the most closely guarded techniques in all of firebending. Something a mere handful of people around the entire world know how to do. It's the literal definition of chance of a lifetime, and I... can't do it. I can't make anything of it. I can't believe I could have gotten so astronomically lucky only to have it end up like this."
Mai shifted around so she was sitting next to Xisheng instead of peering over him. Seeing as how he was laying flat on the ground, she took it upon herself to assume a similar position, so they were both looking at the sky. "You can't do it, or it's just something you aren't able to do now? Because if it's the latter, I don't think you need to rush this super special technique so much. It's not going anywhere."
"If only it were the latter... part of pulling this technique off without ending up like this involves something that's just... not how I work. And I tried, but I don't think I can do anything to change that. I mean, how do you just stop being you, even for a moment? The fact that I'm the only thing holding me back makes it even more frustrating."
The girl next to him kept her eyes on the sky, perhaps making a game out of picking out the stars that were slowly becoming visible. "You know what I hate the most in this world, Gohan?"
"Uh, orange?"
Though they were having a serious moment, Mai couldn't help but scoff. "No, you idiot. It's when people casually ask or tell me to change how I am, like it's not a big deal to do that. 'Mai, just smile more. Mai, just care about this thing for once. Mai, stop thinking the thoughts you think, or acting the way you are, or saying the things you do'. When people don't understand that doing any of that means not being myself, and that you can't just expect people to stop being themselves because you suddenly want them to. I hate that more than anything."
Xisheng stared at the sky as well, contemplating what Mai had said. "I get what you're going for, but isn't this a little different?"
"How so? If there's really something about this technique that's just incompatible with who you are, you can't do it. People can change as they grow, but if it was something like that, I don't think you would be this distraught. The way you've described it, the barrier to accomplishing this goal of yours is a fundamental part of who you are: something that's never going to change no matter how much you want it to. And if that's true, then every moment you spend trying to make this work is a moment you could dedicate to something else worthwhile. Besides, I can't think of any fundamental aspect of who you are that I dislike, so if something had to change for you to bend lightning, I don't think I'd be very happy with it."
While he knew that she was trying to alleviate his stress on the whole matter, Xisheng wasn't sure if he fully agreed with what Mai was saying. "Still, to just give up on learning something this rare and exclusive? Doesn't that seem premature?"
Mai shrugged, moving a bit of grass with her shoulders. "Depends on if you believe it's actually achievable or not. Giving up is when something could be done, but you just don't want to do whatever it takes to make it happen. Stopping yourself from continuing with an impossible task is just having a brain. Look, I can even use an army analogy for you: if I told you to defeat an army of ten thousand with five guys, is choosing not to do that giving up or just common sense? Or, what if I demanded that you take off into the air and fly like a bird right now? You can try to do that, but it won't work. If you stop trying, is it because you're giving up or because you know there is no point in attempting the impossible? If you ask me, there's a big difference between the two."
Xisheng couldn't really deny any of that. It was kind of weird to be on the receiving end of wisdom from Mai. Not that he thought she lacked wisdom, but she usually wasn't the one giving such lengthy and detailed advice. She had a knack for it though. In fact, it seemed she wasn't even done.
"And let's say that learning to bend lightning isn't really impossible for you, but just insanely difficult. So difficult that it'll take months or years and some unholy, unfathomable amount of effort to make it happen. Is achieving it worth all of the other things you could do with that time and effort? Maybe you could learn whole different skills with that time and fully master them. You could get really good at some other part of firebending, like that thing you did with Azula on the boat. Or you could make an entirely new technique, one that will be more useful to you or, hell, even be better than lightning bending in some ways. I get that bending lightning is super rare or something, but the difficulty of acquiring something doesn't make it any more valuable."
"I think most of the world would disagree with you on the correlation between rarity and value, Mai."
"Most of the world is stupid. The only things that have any value in this world are the things you put value on. I hear gemstones are pretty rare. Lots of Fire Nation nobles pay ridiculous prices to get one. As far as monetary value goes, they're definitely worth something. But I don't care at all if I have one. They're worthless to me, even if they're rare. Meanwhile, my knives aren't really that rare at all. They could be made pretty easily by anyone who knows how to smith, and even if they aren't identical, there are plenty of knives out there that are functionally the same. But they're valuable to me, because I decided they would be. Lightning bending is only as valuable to you as you make it, and if it's actually unachievable for you, then it's functionally worthless. A single minute spent on a goal you can achieve is more valuable than a thousand hours spent on a goal you can't. After all, time is the only valuable resource available to everyone."
Xisheng pondered all of this silently. He certainly couldn't deny some of the truths Mai was stating. Indeed, the value of anything in this world was subject to one's own perception of it, and time was one of the only objectively valuable things anyone possessed. It was also true that even the smallest amount of time well-spent was worth any amount of time spent on the impossible. But was it impossible? As Mai had said, maybe it was achievable, but it would require a massive investment of time and effort. If that were so, was it worth all of the other things he could do with those resources? And who knew? Maybe he would make some sort of breakthrough with the technique with just a few more days of training?
To all of this, he didn't have an answer. At least, not right now. But it gave him plenty to think about, and it had certainly taken the edge off of both his pain and his frustrations. "Y'know, Mai, I think my philosophical side might be rubbing off on you."
Finally glancing over at him, Mai cocked an eyebrow at him. "Don't give yourself too much credit, it's not like I didn't think about this kind of stuff before meeting you."
"Yeah, but did you ever wax so eloquently about all of it to other people? This whole conversation was mostly just me listening to you."
At this, the girl did look a little bashful. It was actually pretty rare for her to dominate a conversation like this. "Yeah, well, don't get used to it. I only have to get like this when other people need help getting their shit together."
"Yes, well, speaking of needing help, I might need a little bit to get back to camp."
The soldier motioned towards his left side, where both limbs were still a bit jittery. Not shaking nearly as badly as before, but it was still noticeable. Mai imagined that said limbs probably felt like jelly. Heaving a sigh, Mai pushed herself to her feet so she could help Xisheng stand.
"Fine, come on. Geez, I didn't expect to have this much work come out of a walk in the woods..."
---
Even with half of his body feeling much less solid than usual, it didn't take terribly long for Xisheng to get back to camp with Mai's help. It wasn't like he had to lean his total weight on her or anything: he just needed someone else to do the job of his left leg, which he wasn't sure would be able to actually handle walking right now.
That said, entering camp in such a manner didn't go unnoticed by anyone, as it was pretty conspicuous. Most of the crew around camp just offered quizzical looks. The first person to actually approach them was, naturally, Ty Lee. As always, she did nothing to hide the concern on her face.
"Hey, what happened?! Gohan, are you alright?"
Not willing to go into a full explanation of what had happened, Xisheng gave the acrobat a curtailed version, which mostly amounted to assurances that he wasn't seriously injured and that she didn't have to worry too much. As with Mai back in the woods, Ty Lee looked skeptical of these assurances. However, she didn't get much of a chance to press him on it, because the brief commotion didn't go unnoticed by Azula, who appeared out of the camp while the others weren't looking. The expression on her face was a little harder to read. Her brows furrowed, her lips pressed into a thin line, she said nothing at first, simply grabbing Xisheng's left arm and undoubtedly taking note of the slight shaking that was still plaguing it. Only after making that assessment did she speak. Her voice was stony, difficult to interpret on tone alone.
"Take off your left boot."
Absolutely confused about this order, Xisheng nevertheless did as he was told, using the stability Mai was still offering him to remove the designated article of clothing. Once it was off, Azula spoke again. "The sock as well."
Still confused, Xisheng obeyed, unsure of the purpose of all of this. Even after the sock was off, he didn't know why this had been asked of him. He began angling his foot around so he could look at it. The top of his foot looked fine...
At some point he angled the bottom in Ty Lee's direction, which prompted a hissing noise and a grimace. Xisheng knew that combo well enough: it happened every time a soldier showed off a gnarly wound to his comrades. Sometimes it was accompanied by an appreciative whistle, but Ty Lee didn't seem the type for that. A little nervous to look at whatever the brunette had seen at this point. Still, you couldn't tend to an injury if you didn't look at it, so he raised his foot enough to get a view of his own. Naturally, this meant Mai was able to see it as well.
"Oh, damn. You didn't feel that while walking back here?"
On the bottom of Xisheng's foot was a small patch of scorched skin, colored many shades and hues that skin normally wasn't supposed to be, including a lot of red blisters. Well, now he knew where all of that energy during his training debacle had gone.
"Guess not... must have been small time compared to the other pains. Kind of felt like I melted a bone in my leg, after all."
He said this with a bit of cheek, hoping to distract the others from being too worried about it. Although, now that his attention was actually on the wound, he sure felt it a lot more than he had before. The curse of awareness, he supposed.
Unfortunately, Azula didn't seem amused by his attempt at morbid humor. Her expression was still stern, and her voice still oddly devoid of emotion. "Treat that wound immediately, then rest."
The young Princess made sure to lock eyes with Xisheng for the next part. Difficult as they were to read, it was impossible to miss the undercurrent of disappointment. "Don't practice this technique again until I say otherwise."
With that, she turned to leave, not even waiting for Xisheng to acknowledge what had been demanded of him. That was probably for the best anyway. He wasn't sure he could have spoken clearly now that he felt like he'd been slugged in the kidney. Three days, and he'd already betrayed the confidence she'd placed in him. Just three fucking days.
Ty Lee offered to help him with bandaging his wound, but Xisheng gently turned her down, only asking for her and Mai to help him to his tent. He wanted to be alone with his thoughts at this point, and he didn't think either girl would want to see him gritting his teeth and bitching throughout the treatment process. While they both seemed reluctant to accept his request, it seemed that both girls also managed to detect his desire for solitude for the rest of the night, so they ultimately accepted his wishes and pushed no further.
Hours later, Xisheng laid alone in the dark, having already gone through the painful process of tending to his injury. He would have been asleep by now, but his tumultuous thoughts kept him awake. On one hand, he'd given more thought to the conversation he had shared with Mai, and he did consider many of the things she had said to be reasonable and logical. On the other hand, he couldn't get the look if disappointment Azula had given him out of his head. He wanted to wipe that away, to replace it with something better. He didn't want to let her down after she'd placed her faith in him, but at the same time, he didn't know if he was capable of doing what would achieve that.
At some point during his restless vigil, rain started to splatter off of the canvas tent above Xisheng's head. Not long after, there was a flash of light and a peal of thunder to be heard.
Truly, the universe had a cruel sense of humor.