My big, hopeful and innocent eyes stared up at my own cold ones. They were not intimidated, nor analyzing. They only looked at me with friendly intent.
"Why don't you smile?"
I smiled. It was a perfect smile. The most genuine I could muster. I was sure it could even fool Yuki, who usually saw right through all my facades. Though recently, I rarely faced her wearing a facade, and rather existed next to her in a more genuine matter.
"What's that…? It looks weird, stop that. Aren't you happy?"
"You told me to smile…"
"A smile is happiness."
"…"
I had no response to that. I understood the words, yet I also did not. I could not make out what I wanted from myself.
"When you were little… When you were me, you smiled over the most meaningless things. Why can't you now?"
"I don't know…"
"Why not?"
"I don't know that either…"
"What do you know?"
I tilted my head as I looked at myself, unable to give myself the response I was hoping for.
"Don't you praise yourself as the "Most Superior Human"? A God, born human? Why are you the most superior? I love all humans. Even those who do horrible things. Hurting others hurts yourself the most, did you know that? It is part of my own philosophy book! Though it's only a few pages yet… I want it to be a big book when I grow up! A book that changes the life of ALL of its readers. Did I finish my book?"
"I didn't…"
"Why not?"
"All humans are equal only in the meaninglessness of their achievements and desires. They don't deserve to know about my point of view. They wouldn't even listen, nor understand…"
"Do I have a fear of being ignored?"
"No… You don't have any fears. You are perfect, in your entirety."
"I have lots of fears. I'm afraid of the dark. Of death. Of time… Time is especially scary. I can't control it at all. It is the thing everyone has least control over. It moves on, crushing everything in its path. Like the ultimate force of nature. Even though I don't believe in god, if I had to name one thing that strikes me as particularly divine, it would be the concept of time."
"I'm afraid… You are not me then."
"How does that work? If I don't become you, where am I when you are?"
"You are dead… You were not killed, but you died. I don't know if I could have saved you. But I would not have done so in the first place. You are not special. You are only an afterimage of what I have long since surpassed."
"I don't like that… I'm scared of death… I… I hate me!"
As I said I hated what I had become, my big, scared and sad eyes stared up at my cold ones. They were not desperate, but desperately seeking for a sign of life in mine, not knowing that said sign was currently separated from me by this very room. When they found nothing, they only looked at me with hatred. But then… For reasons unknown to me, they stopped and… Smiled?
"It's okay… I forgive me… Because, if I say I let myself die, who is to blame but myself?"
"You and I are not the same."
"I think I disagree. I am perfect, because I love everything! And you are perfect, because you are me! Or you try to be!"
"You did mention you struggled with the concept of time… Did you know that after a while, every cell you once consisted of will be replaced, and you won't even know it? Maybe that's what happened here, and why I am not you, and never truly were."
"Haha, that's silly! No, of course not! Because even though we may not share a single cell in that sense, at one moment half of you was still me, and half of me was already you! So both of us can only be Yamato!"
"…"
"Haha, did you think I haven't heard of the Ship of Theseus? And I thought I wasn't supposed to be silly anymore, hahaha! No, I and myself had thought about funny riddles like that many times, don't you remember?"
"Technically the Ship of Theseus is not a riddle…"
"Silence is the tool of the listener!"
"What?"
"It means shup up and let the boss talk! The boss, that's me! So you have to stay silent and listen! Besides, what is a riddle anyway? Something with a definitive answer or solution?"
"Yes, actually."
"Well, then all paradoxes are but riddles to us, because we find the single best solution always!"
"That… All of the sudden does sound like me…"
"See? I hope you will have as much fun with nine year old us!"
"What? I thought it was only you."
"Now, why would you think that? This place is curiously beautiful, and filled with wonders that break its own rules to accommodate our uniqueness! It would be a shame to only have you talk to lil'ol me!"
"What does that mean?"
"One last thing, before I go… I kinda teased it a bit already now, but I'm gonna make a big reveal out of it anyway… The single word to describe us best, has it changed over the years? Because I still remember perfectly what I picked the first time I asked myself that question…"
"…Unique."
"That's right! Yamato Tasumaki is unique, more than anyone else! Don't forget that! But also never forget that everyone else is unique as well. So we have to consume as much knowledge as we can, to see just how unique we truly are!"
"Yeah, I know that…"
"Bye, bye, me!"
"Goodbye, myself…"
As I looked at the version of myself which I originally looked down upon, I was once again reminded by how much and yet how little I had changed up until now. But of course, this conversation remains incomplete without my ofher half present. What a silly thought I formed, wanting to introduce Yuki to my past self, like one would introduce their girlfriend to their parents… Yet, I found that even then, I would have liked her, so I have no doubt that she would have gained my approval. Not that she needed it, of course.
In the literal blink of an eye, my younger self disappeared from my sight. I could not help but find myself having enjoyed this conversation, making me wonder how much of it was truly real, and what this place just made up. It felt real to me at least. But what stood in front of me next was something I would most likely find less pleasant. The me, one year older than the one I had just talked to. One would think that not much could change in that short period of time, but that could not be further from the truth. Looking at the empty eyes, with my own not so empty ones, I found that I looked as though I needed help. Yet, I could not bring myself to reach out my hand and offer what I seemed to need. I just stood there motionless, as I looked upon myself sitting on the ground with my arms crossed around my curled up legs, wearing no smile nor frown, but the expression most devoid of any expression.
"…So we love now, is that what it is?"
"I am in love, yes."
"Pft… How long did it take you to convince yourself of that?"
"How would you know if my feelings are genuine or not?"
"I can tell. We could always tell… Because there was never something we failed to understand…"
"You will come to find that there are indeed things we don't fully understand the moment we come into contact with it. Is your refusal of the emotion of love not proof of that?"
"My understanding of the emotion love is complete, despite my inability to experience it. That is what makes us unique."
"Maybe so… But even if that were the case, don't you yearn for it regardless? To experience it truly and without facade? Would being in love make us less unique?"
"…You speak as though it were a fact that we are in love. But aren't we just pretending? Some girl threw themselves at us, and we kept her around because they were useful. And to make her stay, we pretended to reciprocate her love. Because it just so happened to be convenient… That's all there is to it…"
"You are wrong."
"…What?"
"It might have been as you said in the beginning, but only briefly if at all. Because she is so smart, she is able to control my emotions so well, even we stood no chance… And before we knew it, we were in love…"
"I don't think that's true. Obviously, your temporary high on emotions clouds your judgement. Once we go back to normal, she will be just another piece of information floating around us, until we eventually understand it in its entirety and… Throw it away."
"That's where you are confused. Back to normal is where I am now. You are the abnormal one."
"But… Aren't we better that way?"
"No. We are incomplete. And how can we claim to be perfect, if by definition, something perfect must be whole?"
"Hm… I'm not sure I understand, or like what you are saying… But, the fact that I am not sure makes me whole, and therefore perfect, is what you are saying, yes?"
"Seems like you do understand. We are the same, after all."
"I think… I look forward to becoming you."
Nine year old me disappeared just like the other me did. However, this time, I was not the one this encounter had changed, but instead the one who changed someone else. Someone crying out for help despite staying silent his entire life. To think I would be my own psychiatrist, makes me feel a bit like a schizophrenic. They do say self diagnosis is basically meaningless… However, I always felt confident in my ability to understand myself better than anyone else ever could. And excluding Yuki maybe, I still firmly hold that belief. As I opened and closed my eyes again, expecting to see another version of myself or return to the hallway, I was surprised to find eight year old me back, sitting on a fence looking into the empty white space while kicking his legs.
"What exactly does this place even want from me…? Is Bambini responsible for you illusions?"
"Illusions? You break our heart, me. I'm as real as real can be! Even though some things here are actually illusions… Like this fence over here! It's obviously not real! Regarding Bambini, he's weird. But I don't think he holds any control over what is happening right now."
"Wouldn't that be what a by Bambini controlled illusion would say?"
"Haha, yeah, they totally would! But then again, we are unique, are we not? So you should be able to tell whether I am you, or just someone pretending to be you! Otherwise, our entire philosophy goes straight out the window!"
"So if he isn't in control right now, am I free to leave?"
"Sure! But he also told you that, remember?"
"Yeah… I guess he did…"
"Well then, goodbye, me! I hope my infinite wisdom was of some help to you!"
"Is that how I sound to other people…?"
"We sure do! But who cares? Because, as you know…?"
"…That makes us unique."
"Ah, like a proud teacher, I release my student who has learned all his master knows back into the wild."
"Goodbye, myself…"
"Goodbye, me! Until we meet again, when I become you, or you think back to the times were you were me!"
As I closed my eyes one last time, the white space around me was no longer there, and I found myself having woken up in a regular but empty room, feeling Yuki's soft body lying on top of my own. We appeared to have lain here like this for quite some time, so I assumed she was undergoing a similar experience than I had. So surely, there was no harm in keeping her in that exact position while I waited for her to wake up as well.