Was she right?
I passed through the market. Merchants were setting up their shops, and buyers hadn't yet filled the streets. All of them were women. Some young girls helped their mother put up woven rugs on a wooden scaffold. An old woman crouched beside a cauldron poking at the coals beneath, and another held her infant in one arm as he suckled her breast. There were natives, Goloagi, Tobori, Saeni, most of them were mixed.
Many had numbers branded into their arms. All of them wore the same flap of fabric—some cotton, some silk—over a belt leaving most of their skin exposed to the sweltering, muggy heat.
She was right, wasn't she?
Outside the church, I had a passing thought to pick one of the guavas from the overgrown tree in the grounds, but the thought of food made me want to throw up.
The money I'd left for the tithe was gone, but the book of Scripture remained unmoved. The same black mold spots crept up along the white pages as before. I thought to perhaps turn to the passage that reminded me that lust was the deadliest of sins, that told me to run away from temptation, and flagellate myself for my disgusting conduct.
I didn't need to; Father made me memorize those verses.
I found a spot on the floor that didn't have a pool of water from the rain earlier and sat, leaning my back against the crumbling wall.
Alone.
Overhead, a vine crept through the opening high up on the far wall, sending out thin, yellow tendrils to grasp at the empty air.
It was that night over dinner at the Lake of Doom. Miyani had joined us. Her cheeks, her nose, her white-yellow eyes ensnared me. Her beautiful neck. Her muscled, chiseled shoulders. Her pixie-cut white hair, her cute ears, her soft lips. Her smile felt so natural, so pure. I remember thinking, here was a girl… a woman… in the heart of death's grasp and yet so full of life, and I obsessed over her.
I'd thought it was what I said to her the moment we'd arrived at Carthia, but it wasn't words at all. It was my gaze.
Never in my life had I considered that my eyes alone could be so offensive.
It wasn't just Carthia. Oasis saw me looking at her. Anyanna saw me looking at Oasis. Sarina saw me looking at Guenevieve, Mebibi saw me looking at Alys. How many more? Saewi saw the way I looked at her, and she preferred Geraln over me.
How many more?
With everything Ahmi said to me, it all made sense.
Miyani saw me staring and felt uncomfortable, and I kept staring. I should have picked up on that. She didn't know the words for piss off; she shouldn't have needed them. I should have seen how uneasy I'd made her feel and looked away. Instead…
You're cute.
God, how could I have been so stupid?
Did I even see her?
Did I not reduce her to her body, her face, her bare skin? And that was all I allowed myself to see. I couldn't be bothered to see the unease I'd put her in.
I hated myself.
I hated myself for making her feel that way.
For putting her in that position.
I lusted after her. I sinned.
Sarina.
What was the value of chastity if I allowed lust to drive me? I'd missed the point of chastity entirely.
I had to do better.
Control my gaze.
Control my thoughts.
Control my stupid, stupid mouth, behave myself and stop acting like a fucking animal.
"Hello?"
It was a woman.
A mostly-naked native woman with that dark-green skin stood in the stone archway. She let her white hair fall before her shoulders to dangle just above her… chest. Her loincloth was a red silk rectangle with a black circle pattern in the center and tiny black tassels to decorate the edge that hung down to her knees.
I lowered my eyes. She was gorgeous; I shouldn't have noticed.
"Question I uh… at you," her voice was like soft velvet. "Was put you money at the… uh… place?" She pointed at the shelf on the opposite side of the room.
"Yes, that was me."
She smiled and sighed. "Please forgive you me, uh… sorry. I'm sorry. Did take my son money."
I waved it off. "It's fine."
"No," she shook her head. Her bare feet padded across the floor. "Bad take my son money. Uh… no is he… his money. Bad. I'm sorry. Pay I you…" she reached for a small pouch hidden beneath the front flap of her garment.
I stopped her. "Please don't."
"Why?"
"It's fine, truly. God guided your son here because He wanted him to have it. OK?"
She looked around, taking in the small room. Cracks lined the mortar in the ceiling, cradling the hewn stones throughout with lines of mold with drips falling every few seconds. At the far end, a rusted, wrought-iron four-point triangle of the faith clung precariously to the wall. "No falcon god you?"
That made me smile a little. "No… Yes and no. Uh, no, but not entirely no, if that makes any sense."
"No and yes… means maybe?" Her deep amber eyes watched mine closely.
I could have saturated my gaze over her wide hips, narrow waist, and generous bosom. She'd have seen that—seen my disrespect. "Maybe. Let's go with that."
"Eh…" She nodded on each word, "what… is… your… name?"
"Caleb. Caleb of Gath. You?"
"taŋi. Of Carthia!"
"Tani?" I said.
She smiled wide and nodded. Then she crouched low, wiped crumbles of dirt and pebbles from the floor, and sat beside me, stretching one leg out and lifting her other knee up, propping herself up on one arm and facing me directly.
My heartbeat picked up. I fought the urge to study her skin right up to the flap of red silk she wore. Her plush lips smiled wide, inches from my face.
I couldn't. I forced my gaze to my feet.
Sarina.
How many times had she tried to tell me?
"Howmuch like you Carthia?"
"It's different. Not what I'm used to."
Tani rested her hand on my leg, inches from my groin, and leaned in close. My breath quickened at her gentle touch. "Say you what uh… most like?"
"Hmm," I swallowed. "What do I most like about Carthia?"
The women. Walking through the crowded marketplace with Faren, bumping into nearly-naked women and getting an erection just passing through. Naked breasts, naked hips, bare legs, bare feet, and in the case of those lizard-riders, the fittest, most perfectly chiseled female thighs I'd never imagined possible.
It was wrong.
I was wrong. "I'm… I don't know yet. Still new."
She pursed her lips and looked up in thought. "Uh… like you food?"
That made me chuckle a little. "You know, I'm told it's good, but so far all I've had is the grainy slop they give us soldiers. And cockroaches."
"Ah!" her eyes lit up and she giggled lightly. "tʊwiki! Is very good! But, eh… need uh… good cook or bad. No bad. Maybe… know I that good cook. Show I you. Yes or yes?"
White hair fell loose over one of her shoulders, covering one nipple and leaving the other exposed. This was normal, and I would have to get used to it. Her eyes tracked mine, quietly noting every part of her where I looked.
I'd never noticed that before. Every girl I'd ever made uncomfortable probably noticed the same thing she did. And I misread it. Every time. "I'm sorry, Tani, but do you feel… warm… to me?"
God, what a stupid question.
"Warm?" She tilted her head slightly and looked around in thought. "Ah! Is mean hot, yes? Mountain home you, is eh… snow. Yes?"
That made me laugh a little.
"Need dress you because Carthia!" She lifted up a flap of red silk to show me.
I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, very slowly, closing my eyes as I counted out the number of ways I had been—and continued to be—a complete shit. She was being friendly. It was a terribly inappropriate question, and I shouldn't have asked. "I'm struggling. I grew up, I thought one thing meant something, and now I'm grappling with all of it. I used to think I could tell these things, but now I think that I was wrong. Just… wrong. How am I supposed to know when a woman is flirting with me and when she's just being friendly? I feel like I've always gotten it wrong. Or, at least I didn't see why it was so bad when I got it wrong. I guess… I'm starting to see the problem with it. Now I'm just here trying to separate the shame from what I need to change, and I just feel lost."
Tani shifted her eyes about as I spoke. After a moment, she smiled lighty and shook her head with a light giggle.
"I'm sorry," I said. "That's too much, isn't it?"
"zoʃu'use ðope," she said.
"What's that mean?"
"Eh… think break. You."
"That's a good word for it. Zoshu'use dope?"
"ðope." She smiled wide. "Need time. Need you time. OK bye bye."
She stood and wiped the crumbs from her legs. "Caleb of Gath sæðisa 'eka."
"Sa-dhi-sa…"
She nodded. "Nice to meet you. sæðisa 'eka. Nice to meet you."
"Tani, sadhisa eka."
She smiled wide, then turned to leave. She peeked over her shoulder and smiled again before disappearing beyond the guava tree.
These base urges, I had to get myself under control. It shouldn't have taken some monumental effort to avoid ogling her like some slab of meat. Respect should come normal.
Like a reflex.
A part of me craved the sight of her figure. I needed to take that part of myself and strangle it. Behead it. Shoot it in the head from three-hundred-sixty yards.
Burn it at the stake for heresy.
I stared at the wall.
Rain crashed over the stone rooftop and into pools outside.
Water sprayed in from the same opening that let in the vine, while other drops splashed into pools beside the open entrance. Trickles of water seeped in through cracks in the ceiling and ran down the walls. Cool water jolted my skin through the back of my shirt, yet I stayed.
I hadn't known how long I stayed in the church, but by the time I got back to the training grounds the sky had begun to turn and everyone was gone. So, I went to the barracks in hope of drying off my toes.
Faren lay in his bed reading a book, as did Gino, along with some other guy I didn't know.
"Damn!" Faren looked up at me. "We thought you got your liver ripped out!"
Gino looked up from his book and smirked. "How did it go with Ahmi?"
Faren and the other guy exchanged glances and shared a laugh between them.
"Well," I scratched my head. "I think I'm going to give her some time to come around on her own… when she's ready."
The three of them chuckled heartily.
"Was it as bad as Melyana?" Gino grinned wide.
I pursed my lips at him. "We actually had a very enlightening conversation…" I counted hours in my mind, "that took up the whole day." Then I noticed the book Faren was reading. "Wait a second. You!"
He opened his eyes wide. "Me what?"
"You're the one who checked out that book!"
Faren lifted it up for a moment and showed off the cover. "You, of all people, need to read this book, man!"
I ran up to him. "Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!"
"I won't spoil it for you."
"What?"
Faren chuckled.
"OK, well tell me something."
"Nope."
"Come on, man! I'm the one who told you about it!"
Faren grinned wide and held it up. "This book will open your eyes, man! But I can't explain it. You'll have to read it for yourself!"
"He won't tell me nothing, either," Gino added.
The other man in the room spoke up. "Indictment, yeah?"
Faren nodded, "yeah."
"Shit's messed up, man. Couple years ago, inquisitor in my village catches a guy with that book. Great guy, never hurt nobody. Nails the book to his hand, then burns him at the stake for that shit. Made us all watch. Still the most horrifying shit I ever saw, and I been here almost a year now."
"I believe it, man," Faren nodded. "This thing is just… hey," he turned to me. "What do you know about a guy named Hano?"
"I can recite the verse for you if you like."
"OK?"
"What will you give me?"
"Huh?"
"Tell me why it's banned in the Empire."
"Uh…" Faren hesitated.
I clarified, "the Orthodox church rules the Southern Kingdoms Alliance, who we're at war with in Kulun. So if it makes our enemies look bad, why is it banned in our empire?"
Faren nodded. "You'll just have to read it."
"You don't know, do you?"
"Oh, it's pretty clear why. I think you don't know anything about this Hano guy it keeps talking about."
"Oh, I know, trust me."
"Nah, I don't think you do."
"I do know, and I think you don't know."
Gino laughed. "Hano is this guy who hid in a cave for forty days and forty nights while the world burned. He had two of every animal…"
"Seriously?" I glared at him.
Boots clomped up the wooden steps outside, and Geraln stepped in. Strands of dark hair framed each side of his chubby face, and the baby green vita'o lizard creature clung to his shoulder. He went for his bunk without stopping, barely glancing down at me. "Where the hell have you been?"
"You know where I went; I spent the day talking with Ahmi."
"How'd that go?" He gently set Chirpy down on the floor while he knelt to go through his pack.
"Um… it's a process."
Faren chuckled; Gino shook his head and smiled.
Geraln didn't look up from rummaging through his things. "Worse than Juliara?"
"Be quiet."
The three of them laughed while Chirpy scampered around to Faren and sniffed at his hands. He rubbed a finger under her chin and asked Geraln, "how did it go with the old woman?"
Geraln's eyes popped and he cocked his head. "She's crazy, man."
The other man spoke up. "You went to see Peyumi today?"
"Yeah," Geraln nodded. "I'm still not sure what to think about that."
The man laughed. "She's a bit crazy."
Crazy enough that Davod came back telling everyone to stop saying the F-word as though he hadn't cussed right along with the best of us.
"I've got new words for you two," I said. "visa is yours, vidu is mine. That's how you make a possessive."
Geraln and Faren glanced at one another. It was Faren who spoke. "Caleb, that's basic. Where have you been?"
Geraln gathered up some things in a small sack. "vi makes a possessive with any noun. zɪxe-vi-faren, Faren's bed. kæfi-vi-ʒi, their coffee."
"Yeah," Faren clarified, "ʒi if it's the subject, ʒu for the object. Seriously, Caleb, it's not a race, but I am winning."
I sat dumbfounded.
Chirpy meandered over to another bed and sniffed at it while my friends laughed at me. She tugged at the sheet before lifting her tiny head to Geraln, and chirped at him.
"I'm done," he didn't look at her. But as he walked by, she stayed, tugged at the sheet, and chirped at him again.
I asked, "Where are you off to?"
"Saewi offered to let me stay the night with her. Her place is so much more comfortable than this sweatbox." He then looked down at Chirpy. "You coming?"
Chirpy looked at him, tugged at the sheet once more, then looked back at him and chirped.
"Are you getting serious with her, man?" Faren asked.
Geraln smiled sheepishly, then looked down at Chirpy. "That's not my bed."
Gino added, "she's a looker, I'll grant, but don't you want to trade up at some point?"
Geraln turned to answer him, but his tiny lizard friend chirped at him again, still tugging at the bed sheet. "I don't know what you want me to do; that's not my bed."
She looked up at him in expectation. And chirped.
"Fine," he sighed. "You know this isn't my bed."
As soon as he pulled the sheet away, against the yellow lamplight upon the white sheets, a small green snake had coiled up beneath.
Geraln jumped back. Gino sat up and his eyes gaped.
The snake hissed and inched back towards the covers at the corner.
The other man got up from where he'd reclined and meandered towards the corner. "Those little green ones, gotta be careful with those ones, man. Rule is if you get bit, don't go to the medical ward alone—you won't make it. What you need is a good, long stick…"
Chirpy fixed her eyes on the thing, hopping back and forth between her two tiny feet and keeping her head still while inching her body closer. Then, quick as lightning, she whipped her long neck out and snatched the creature right behind its head.
The other man scratched the back of his head and sat back down. "Or that works, too."
"Caleb of Gath!" came from the door. It was a lean man of average height with medium-dark green skin, yellow eyes, and a sharp jawline. It was Taganu, the same man who'd greeted us at the gate when we first arrived.
"Yes?"
"You're in deep shit."
"Oh?"
"Come with me."
Geraln picked up Chirpy and put her on his shoulder with the still-wriggling snake dangling from her mouth. Faren and Gino returned to their books as though I wasn't there, and the other guy smirked at me.
Taganu reiterated, "unless you want to be in deeper shit."
At that, I sat up and reached for my boots.
"You won't need those."
"Go barefoot across the yard?"
Taganu glanced down at his own bare feet, then back at me with an impatient stare.
"OK." And I followed him. He held an oil lamp with frosted glass that cast an orange eclipse on the grass as we made our way towards the main building beside the gate, long since barred shut. Elsewhere, a few torches lit up the distance, some candles in windows by the old city. Overhead was black, and beyond the walls the eerie sounds of chirps, whistles, strange animals called out from the jungle.
The air felt like it was supposed to be cool, but chose to be hot and sticky instead. Taganu glanced back at me without slowing. "You're going to have to explain where you were today."
I shrugged. "I went to go see…"
He shook his head. "Not to me."
He stepped up and lifted his lamp to look closely at the dark archway. Seeing it was covered in spider webs, he moved to a different archway and went through that. Inside was black but for a faint orange glow from a stone staircase leading upwards on the other side of a wooden partition that separated it from the desk where we'd all given our names.
At the base of the stairs was a rough mat where he wiped his feet, then paused for me to do the same. We climbed up into a narrow passage between wooden accordion partitions painted with some kind of images that were difficult to see for the darkness, at the end of which was an opening with the orange glow of candlelight.
Taganu looked in. "He's here."
Then, he stepped aside for me to enter.
Inside was a woman. Her dark green hair had streaks of white and was done in braids that fell behind her back. She was the same woman who'd stood with Ahmi and the Imperial Voice on the balcony as we'd arrived. She wore a black silk loincloth with gold embroidery in the shape of a lotus, gold armbands, a silver bracelet of delicate chain with the head of a snake clasping at the other end, and a delicate gold chain necklace with a spider pendant that had a diamond-tree stone for an abdomen and hung between her bare breasts.
Spending too much time noticing the pendant was probably not a good idea.
Behind her, open archways led to the black world outside. In the center of the room was a woven rug. She sat upon a giant bag of a chair that molded to her body, holding a glass in one hand with some amber drink in it. Light came from a pair of tall, iron candelabras beside the door that cast a yellow hue over her otherwise medium-dark-green complexion.
The only movement was her toes brushing through tufts of the rug at her feet. "Where were you?"
"Well, I…" I moved around to one of the other plush bag-chairs and readied to sit down.
"I didn't tell you to sit." Her Herali was clean and polished, with no hint of a foreign accent.
I glanced at Taganu, who stifled a laugh as he watched. Then I turned my attention back to her. "Have we met? I'm Caleb…"
"Where did you go?" She assaulted me with that question. Her light-green eyes tracked every movement mine made.
Like a reflex, the urge to look her body up and down pushed against my resolve, and I forced my gaze to the corner, where tall potted plants reached above the partition. "I went to talk to Ahmi. She spoke to us about the vita'o this morning, and I had some questions about…"
"And after?"
"I didn't get your name?"
The woman took a sip from her glass and set it on a nearby table. Then she stared at me a moment further before repeating her question. She did not smile. Not one little bit. "Where did you go after you spoke with Ahmi?"
"We… actually… had a very long conversation that ended up touching on a variety of topics."
I tried to add up the hours as if I could somehow account for them with that explanation. What I should have done was consider the possibility that Ahmi had already told her what time I left.
"So, when I got there, she was teaching her students. She didn't want to interrupt her class, and so I watched that for a while. Felt like a long time, actually. Then, we spoke. Probably hours, I mean, we spoke for a very, very long time."
She took up her glass, took a long sip from it, then set it back on the table and resumed glaring at me without another word.
Her silence unsettled me. "After that… uh… I came back, but it was already late. I've actually…" I turned as if to point towards the barracks, "I've been talking with my friends in the barracks for a while."
The hours didn't add up even in my own mind. The woman glared at me, drumming her fingernails on the wooden table.