Chapter 17
" . . . "
" . . . "
" . . . Papi can fly faster than this!"
"Please don't. If you get lost on the way back, your dad will have a cow," I said looking out the tinted window of the black SUV Papi and I were riding in through a winding forest rode, nothing but Japanese wilderness for miles in all directions. "Hey, I gotta ask, why not give us a ride back in the Hovercraft?"
"Hovercraft are prohibitively expensive, even with all the time that's passed since their debut in America, so unless we're in a crisis situation, we get by with SUVs and vans," the driver answered.
"Makes sense…" I hummed, feeling less like the last two-hundred years since Quirks manifested were 'wasted' now that I had a little more context on what had truly been occupying everyone's time. " . . . You didn't microchip us while we were in that luxury cell, did you?"
"What makes you ask that?"
"Because I want to know where I should point on the doll when the lawyer asks me where the bad man touched me."
"Jesus Christ you are dark…!"
"I watched two people get eaten alive and countless others mauled like extras from Jaws, or Sharknado. I would think that dark thoughts would be a given from now on."
"Well… Just make sure you don't neglect your mental health, alright?" the driver hummed. "What you went through would mess anybody up, and while I haven't seen it personally, I've heard stories of people 'cracking' after some Lovecraftian horror squirmed out of a Tear and got its tentacles on someone."
"I'll be sure to avoid any 'cognitohazards' in the immediate future," I returned, staring boredly out the window eyeing the Japanese wilderness.
" . . . Onii-chan, what's wrong?" Papi asked a minute later.
"What do you mean?"
"You're making that face again. The 'thinking heavy thoughts that make Papi's head hurt' face," the air-headed Mutant pouted.
"It's nothing. I'm just… reeling…" I sighed tiredly, thoughts swirling like storm clouds in my head.
What Kuroko and the bushy-tailed babysitter said to me… I guess I was still "processing" everything.
Only poorly-written Light Novels have people dump exposition on common knowledge to someone 'unprovoked'. When I'd woken up from that coma and had no idea what Quirks were, that was a valid reason to fill 'Takehiko' in since he'd been collecting bedsores as a vegetable for a year. For this world to be a blend of Superhero and Dungeon-Crawler 'genre' was a bit of a shock, but the multiverse was/is a huge place, so I guess I drew the short straw of landing in a world that had one too many 'after-market extras'.
If an Isekai Protagonist can pass themselves off as a "foreigner", usually from that-world's equivalent of Japan (in the case of Reincarnators from Japan), then it's perfectly reasonable to ask and actually be-told about the way a magical fantasy country as a whole works. However, me being a 'native' of this world, at least in body, there were bound to be things I wouldn't know about that differed from how my birth-world operated. I couldn't just go around asking about how an entire world worked, even with the excuse that I'd been brain damaged; that'd be too-suspicious in the world of "DC Comics + Portal".
That aside, there was something else that had dawned on me after I'd left RDA custody: How-often could Rifts happen around me, specifically…?
If I were a "Protagonist", then it's a given that I'm pretty much completely screwed already. Doubly-so if I were one of those Isekai Protagonists devoid of Plot Armor who'd have to suffer countless indignities and mind-scarring horrors before the end-of-publication credits roll.
By that same metric however, if there are other Reincarnated people in this world who are keeping their heads down, like me, then it's equally possible I won't even have to be on the same continent as whatever "Demon Lord" or "Injustice League" this mentally-diseased world can regurgitate onto itself. I mean, the world's a big fucking place, and Japan is just one tiny archipelago on an entire world of super-powered assholes.
Right…?
Before I can ruminate on this existential topic any further, we're already back home at Asaka's edge, Kuroko in her black van and Koichi with his patrol car.
*AHA*
"Kuroko… What are you hiding?" I asked a few minutes into the drive back.
"Hiding? Don't be silly, I'm not hiding anything!"
"Kuroko, you're a real shitty liar when you're sober; just come out with it already."
"Geez, Take… You make it sound like I'm soused all the time," she grumbled rubbing her head.
"The beer cans all over your floor don't help your case on the inverse."
" . . . Fine. I'll tell you. But you have to promise not to be mad at me?"
"What did you do this time?"
"Okay let me rephrase that. 'I' specifically didn't do anything… but you're going to be pretty mad when we get home if you happen upon the Mon Agency's social media page."
"I temper my sense of decency in expectation…"
"Christ, kid, what eleven-year-old talks like that?"
"This one. Now get me home so I can get this bitter medicine you're so freaked-out about out of the way."
*AHA*
Truly, the people of this world have a shorter attention span than in my old one. Why do I think this, you ask?
Because as it turned out, within hours of my dust-up with the "Football from Hell", somehow, some way, I'd become a fucking meme!
"No Tongue-kun'... Are you fucking joking…?!" I asked incredulously as I looked down at the Mon Agency's social media page, once I had become associated with the brand when people found out I was their 'young ward'.
It was bad-enough someone had steady-enough hands and a camera phone on hand at the time to capture the whole thing instead of, you know, helping me! What made it worse was someone had recognized me in the lobby and asked me to record my "line" for their phone's answering machine.
What cheesed me off on a personal level were the damn T-Shirts I'd begin to spot in town a few days later. And other than the fact that my image was being used without my consent, I wasn't even getting my cut!
That last one was probably the most-irritating of all since in my original world I wasn't famous by any stretch of the imagination.
Though to be fair, becoming famous because of internet memes was probably no different than being famous "for being famous" like… I guess The Cardashians?
I just hoped this whole shitshow blew over before I started school again, otherwise classes were going to be a complete and utter hell to go through…
*AHA*
"Hey Take-chan! Look what I found in town!" Doppel grinned at me.
"EVIL!" I cried throwing it to the floor with a *SMACK!*
"Hey, any publicity is good publicity, right?" Zombina asked with a toothy grin.
"I think he looks cute. Like a papa kat protecting his kittens~" Tio beamed.
'Urk…! Heart Power…! Too…! Strong…!' I recoiled in the face of Tio's smile as Doppel threw the shirt she'd bought over her head and wore it like a dress. Tauntingly...!
Back to the current subject of my ire… it was a basic shade of cotton white you could find anywhere, the sort of shirt that custom T-shirt companies bought in surplus to slap graphics on. Situated on this one was a still image of me holding the "Football from Hell" at bay with my bare hands, the playground backdrop cropped out and replaced with a field of black, the words- "No tongue until the third date!" written in both English and Japanese across the top and right sides respectively in white. The thing was tacky as hell, doubly-so because it was me on there, even if it were technically someone else's body.
"Did you really have to show it off to me?" I grumbled.
"What? I thought kids your age wanted to be famous," Zombina hummed.
"Yeah! But not because of a fucking meme!" I bit back.
With the way Hero dynasties rose and fell, it made sense that there would be new 'merch' so-soon, but still…
"Well, hopefully your 'fifteen minutes of fame' will end before you start classes, otherwise they're going to be a complete and utter hell to go through," Kuroko hummed thoughtfully. "By the way, we have a surprise for you~"
For the love of god, please don't let it be another shirt.
-thought I as the door opened admitting-
"Takei-kun!"
"H-Hitomi!?" I gawped as the bawling mono-eye ran towards me, scooping me up in a hug and burying my face into her bosom.
"Takei-kun, I was so worried about you!" she sobbed, a river of dears drenching my hair. "When I heard the RDA took you away… I wasn't sure I'd ever see you again!"
"D-Don't worry! They didn't strip me for parts, and they didn't microchip me, . . . I think…" I amended. "What about you? I've been worried about how you're doing, and no-one would tell me anything."
"Damn, he noticed…" Doppel muttered off to the side.
"Oh… Well…" Hitomi hummed nervously, brushing some of her hair behind her ear and dominating the whole of my attention. "I… I probably won't be working at the HPSC for much longer."
"It's my fault, isn't it? You got canned because you helped me."
"Nonononono! I didn't get 'canned', not in the slightest!" she stammered with a wide eye. "It's just… The HPSC wasn't a good fit for me is all. Too many… cloaks and daggers, you know?"
"I still feel like this is my fault. The pay, and those benefits… you probably lost out on a lot because of-"
Before I could say anymore, Hitomi had taken a knee and pressed my face between her hands, shooting a stern gaze into my eyes with her one.
"What happened was not, your fault, do you understandme?" she ordered, the wall of her gaze inescapable. "I'm leaving the HPSC by my own choice, and come spring, I'll be watching over you and Mitsumi both as your school nurse. All the smoke and the noise and the bodies of the big city… it just wasn't doing it for me like I thought it would. I'm happy I get to come home, and watch the two of you grow up. So don't think that because I helped you get away from the HPSC that I'm 'losing' anything; do you understand me?"
" . . . A part of me is always going to feel guilty about this, no matter how much I say otherwise," I returned somberly. "The HPSC might've scared the living daylights out of me… but if you'd stayed with them, you could've retired comfortably, traveled the world-"
"Takei-kun, it was never about the money," Hitomi pouted. "Money's nice, but I've never been one to spend frivolously. And I've still got my benefits for all the hard work I've put in, so don't worry about it~"
Huh… I guess being attacked by a Villain alongside me had some benefits…
"But anyway… What was this I heard about you grappling with some toothy monster instead of running away?" she pouted angrily at me, the 'tick mark' she was feeling almost visible in her one eye.
A part of me wanted to blurt out that I thought Hitomi looked cute with that expression… But thankfully the "Council of Tokei(s)" in my head Vetoed the hell out of that motion.
*AHA*
Some Isekai Protagonists hate the King and/or the citizenry because they're racist, or corrupt, or they're insufferable pricks, or because at the end of your adventure after they've slain the Demon King they try and/or succeed in killing you because you're "too strong" and they'd been lying to you the entire time about sending you back home; regardless of whether or not you'd settled on the "Stay Ending".
As for me, as a wise man once said…
"It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole, or a pervert, or a snob, or they're lazy, or arrogant or an idiot or a know-it-all. Those are the reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise people on a personal level. Not because they're red, or because they're blue, but because ya know them, and you see them every single day. And you can't stand them, because they're a complete and total fucking douchebag."
-Leonard Church in "Why Were We Here?"
I personally hated most of the people in this version of Japan because they had so much free time for bullshit like "No Tongue-kun" when they could've been directing that energy towards real issues like Quirk Elitism or Quirk Stigmatization… And while I quite vocally admitted that the HPSC scared the living daylights out of me, I didn't really hate them for what they did to my comatose body. Whoever has to police a world like this… they're going to have to make some tough decisions, because whether it's a Quirk that can level an entire city, or a Quirk that can only kill a single person at a time unless you have its exact antithesis, people never really change. Even with superpowers.
So I guess for Hitomi's sake, I'll stop feeling guilty about "not costin" her her job. I'll endure all this bullshit with the memes. I'll even try to put the Rifts in the back of my mind. Because at the end of the day, I'm just "one more person" in this superhuman society. Me being Reincarnated… it shouldn't even matter anymore. If I dwelled on my "past" forever, I'd just sour this second chance I was fortunate-enough to get after whatever had killed me, killed me.
And that'd be an injustice to all the goodwill everyone around me had given me.
Chapter 18
Though I'd avoided leaving the apartment over the past few days to let the whole Meme thing die down, word had still spread that the "young ward" of the Mon Agency had grappled with an extra-dimensional monster and lived to tell the tale.
That in of itself wasn't so-bad, since short attention spans would eventually enable me to venture outside without being molested for pictures or voicemail requests. What actually made my situation worse was how someone that had seen me out with Gran Torino correlated one thing to the other, and now there were some local reporters pestering Kuroko at the agency to let them interview me.
It wasn't that anyone thought I'd become "the next big thing". In all likelihood, my experience would go into a "fluff piece" to help make what'd come out of that Rift less-frightening to the indolent masses. Other than Hero vs Villain fights, monsters or goods coming out of the Rifts were something that captivated human attention, making my first-hand experience something of a hot commodity. Doubly-so since those that ventured into the Rifts usually held tight to strict NDAs upon becoming employed by the S.T.M.O.
Though the nature of the meme had framed my achievement as something comical, it was undeniable that what I'd endured was something very few outside the STMO had ever experienced; hands-on contact with an entity from another universe. And while it was true that the thing I'd grappled with had been "one of the small ones", the novelty alone would make for an interesting story; maybe even referenced in a case study to aid those who "cracked'" under the strain of similar incidents..
Since I didn't want my "fifteen minutes of fame" to sour my first Thanksgiving with the Mon Agency girls and Hitomi's family, I asked Kuroko to set up a meeting so I could clear my palette.
The way I figured it, the sooner I laid my cards on the table, the sooner people would lose interest in what happened after "the magic is (was) gone".
*AHA*
"Thanks for agreeing to meet with me," the gaunt-faced man that Kuroko vetted said to me from across a table in the corner of the apartment lobby, Doppel hiding out as a little old lady at a table two down from us, a random cat from who-knows-where sleeping cozily in her lap. "The name's Tokuda Taneo, I'm a freelance journalist."
"Nice to meet you," I greeted in turn.
"So, I understand Smith-san told you what we'll be discussing today?" the man said activating a recorder on his phone, as well as a backup recorder off to the side.
"You want to ask me what it was like grappling with a football with a cockney accent; 'soccer ball' for any western readers."
"Pretty much, yeah," the man said amicably. "Though I'm surprised someone as-young as you cares about the distinction."
"Well, Japan is one of the most-immigrated-to countries at present; even if it's for as-shallow a reason as-..."
"As?" Taneo inquired the moment I clammed up, before visibly turning off the recording devices and pushing them across the table for my own purview.
" . . . For as-shallow a reason as getting to see All Might in-person," I returned after Doppel gave me a subtle nod.
"Oh? Not a fan of the No.1?"
"I've been attacked by Villains three times on non-sequential occasions, and once by an evil man-eating football, and Heroes were late to arrive during all of them," I answered frankly. "So no, I'm not exactly a fan of Heroes in general."
"Ah, well that's fair. Heroes can't save everyone, unfortunately," the man said scratching the back of his head.
Seeing this man accept any verbal criticism for who Japan basically treated like "Super-Jesus", I gave Taneo another once-over, since he seemed to have more going for him than blindly worshiping the ground that Heroes walked on.
Gaunt-faced with circular wire-rim glasses, he had dark wavy hair brushed away from the right side of his forehead. His eyes were cobalt-colored, and his distinguishing feature was that his left eye had no visible pupil, but a lighter-colored dot in his iris. He was dressed like a freelance journalist would, ready for sudden changes in temperature, but unobtrusive enough he could get close to a target without them being on guard.
"Out of idle curiosity, what Quirk did you use to defend himself?" Taneo asked, making no move to reclaim his recording devices.
It seemed like the man at the least wasn't treating me like "some dumb kid" and talking down to/at me, going out of his way to imply that what my Quirk was or was not, would have no bearing on the content of the article.
" . . . All I had going for me was an eye for detail, hand-eye coordination, and a rush of adrenaline," I replied after a moment, non-committal enough so I weren't outright advertising I was Quirkless in the event I continued to train with Gran Torino.
Then again, guys like Eraserhead and Sir Nighteye were "functionally Quirkless" when it came to things like spontaneous natural disasters and upper-tier Heteromorphs, sooo…
"Hm. Well, to be fair, my own Quirk wouldn't have been of much use either," he said rolling back his left sleeve and raising up his arm, a variety of camera lenses sliding out of his skin at all angles, one even sliding out of his cheek and pointing completely to the side. "Hell, my Quirk doesn't even come with a camera flash, so all I could've really done was take one of those 'death selfies' before getting eaten," he chuckled as he withdrew his protrusions.
" . . . So, you wanted to ask me a few questions?" I said after giving him his recording devices.
"I guess it's prudent to start at the beginning. What were you doing at the park that day?"
"Hanging out with a girl I knew."
"What were you doing when that Rift opened?"
"Papi and I were waiting for our sitter to come back with some sodas. She'd bent over to pick up an American quarter someone had dropped when she thought her shorts ripped. A moment later I look over my shoulder and the Rift was just… there."
"And when the 'Rift Beast' first appeared?"
"Well, at first, I thought it was just some kid fucking around with their space-time Quirk, since a football was what'd rolled out, but when these beady little eyes like firelight opened up…"
Thinking back on it caused an involuntary shudder I was unable to suppress.
"After that, things got a little… hectic…"
"In what way?"
" . . . People were eaten alive, or had chunks taken out of them like in a bad snuff film. There were Quirks flying around in every direction hitting everything that did or didn'tmove. Partway through all the screaming, the 'Football from Hell' set its eyes on Papi and… I guess my body just, 'moved on its own'."
"Hoh?" Taneo hummed with a glint in his eye. "And when you engaged the 'Rift Beast' in CQC, what was going through your head?"
"Oh, I was completely terrified. Terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought in fact. I think the only reason I was able to move at all and not become some thing's snack, was because I'd endured Villain attacks thrice over already and I'd already become… inured to that sort of thing…"
"I see… It must've been quite frightening."
"Yeah, well, it wasn't like a Hero was going to magically appear and make the monster go away. The only one I could count on to save me, was me."
"Hmmm… From what I've learned, Kuroyama Papi was a 'Bird-Class' Heteromorph. Why didn't the two of you just fly away? Allegedly, you two had gone flying together before that point, at your first meeting."
"I see you've done your research."
"Admittedly, your friend garnered her own fair share of attention after submitting herself to RDA custody alongside you," Taneo answered, implying he'd done his own research in advance; or at least had had someone else do so unless Kuroko had volunteered the information herself. "If you weren't made to sign any sort of NDA, there are some people who would be interested in hearing what the RDA's accommodations were like."
"What's to say? We rode in a hovercraft with no widows, so it might as well have been a bus, she and I played video games, ordered takeout, napped, and that was about it, really," I shrugged. No need to advertise Papi and I sleeping together in the same bed. "As for why Papi didn't just fly us off, or just fly off on her own… I think that first kid getting eaten alive and leaving nothing but a blood stain and a shoe behind, shook her up worse than it did me."
"Well, it's a good thing that you stepped up when you did, otherwise there would've been more deaths," Taneo hummed appraisingly. "Although, I have to ask… What possessed you to reach into its mouth, pull out its tongue, and coil it into the shape of an American football before chucking it the way you did?"
"Ugh… That damn YouTube video again…!" I grumbled angrily. "Like I said, I was terrified 'beyond the capacity for rational thought', so of course I'd do something incredibly and monumentally stupid."
"Hah, well I suppose that's one way of looking at it!" he said with a wink and-Was that an actual star-shaped twinkle coming off his eye?
*AHA*
For the next several minutes, this interview between the two of us continued. Apparently, Kuroyama-san had stonewalled anyone from interviewing Papi, so it fell onto me to tell the story, even if he hadn't expressed as such to Kuroko. The dialogue between Taneo and I wasn't anything out-of-the-ordinary, just a continuation on the original string of inquiry, with a few tangents sprinkled here and there. It was highly unlikely that everything I said would make it into the article, but you could always cut down after-the-fact; not the other way around.
At least not without committing some sort of fraud or felony...
"One final question, and this is strictly off-the-record," Taneo asked repeating the pacifying motion from before. "Who's your favorite Hero? Your biggest inspiration?"
"What makes you think I even have one?"
"Being a critic of Heroes, and having a favorite Hero, aren't always mutually exclusive," the man replied. "Plus, you wouldn't have agreed to become a 'young ward' if you were completely averse to the idea of Heroes in the first place."
" . . . If I ever had to say who my biggest 'inspiration' was, it'd only be in the hypothetical that I became a Hero."
"So then in that hypothetical scenario, who would your inspiration be?"
"I guess I'd have to say my biggest inspiration was…"
*AHA*
"The 'Crusher of Justice: Wild Tiger', hm?" Taneo hummed to himself inquisitively as he left the Mon Apartments.
As far as this freelance journalist was concerned, on the outside, Takehiko Tokei had nothing 'amazing' about him. The fact that he didn't flaunt some flashy Quirk without provocation like every other kid who found themselves in front of a reporter did after 'being brave' in the face of a Villain, either meant he didn't have one, or had been born with a "Useless" Quirk and was already of the resigned opinion that he couldn't use it to become a Hero.
Or at least not a high-grossing one.
That in of itself was a misnomer of course, since nearly every Quirk, even the "high-class" ones, could be considered functionally useless in front of their exacting antithesis. Gigantification Quirks would be considered "Useless" against high-yield military weapons; Plant Control Quirks would be considered "Useless" against wildfires or lava floes; Electrical Quirks would be considered "Useless" in a flood zone, Emitter/Transformation-Erasing Quirks would be considered "Useless" against Heteromorphic Quirks; etc. etc.
That he had dropped the name of the Hero whom in some circles was retroactively considered the "Proto-All Might" of the Corporate Age of Heroes, was strangely counterintuitive when one considered that Takehiko wasn't a fan of All Might specifically.
In his own lifetime, Kaburagi Kotetsu wasn't as much of a commercial success as his contemporaries, barely skirting through the hyper-competitive nature of the Corporate Age without being replaced due to repeated arguments with sponsors regarding what made a good Hero and his priorities therein. Even when his partnership with Barnaby Brooks Jr, colloquially known as "Barnaby" or "Bunny" to the more hardcore fan demographic, had gone on to inspire the Buddy Heroes system that predated the interdepartmental cooperation of the Commercial Age, other "Hero Duos" continued to eclipse him in terms of popularity and commercial success. It was only after he'd officially retired and the "pay walls" of the Corporate Age began to come down, that people began to realize how much of a true hero Wild Tiger really was.
Taneo himself was an ardent All Might fan, but not for the superficial reasons everyone else of his generation had; During the terrorist bombing of that industrial complex 15 years ago, 24 peoples' lives were at risk, and the blaze was so-great that even the rescue squads hesitated to take action.
One of those that were rescued, of which they all had been, had been Taneo's own father, and without even thinking about it, he'd turned his Quirk, [Whole-Body Lens], on that one moment where he and his father had reached out for one another.
After submitting the photo he had taken, All Might's back to the blaze and two industrial workers over and under his arms, his signature smile on his face, that was when he realized he wanted to become a journalist; later choosing to go freelance so he wouldn't be bogged down by the politics and egos of the huge publishing companies.
Initially, he'd thought his Quirk was only useful for taking snapshots on vacation, but that one moment, captured with such clarity, had helped define the course of his entire life, and what he wanted to do with it.
It was also how he discovered that the events which held the most meaning to him, had the most "staying power" in his internal storage; whereas reproductions of less-pivotal moments would grow cloudy over time, until fading entirely. And since his Quirk didn't come with a USB port like some "Machine-Class" Quirks did, he could only preserve hard copies; and while they could still be scanned, it just wasn't the same as the real McCoy.
That Takehiko had been attacked by Villains on three "non-sequential occasions", with Hero intervention only appearing after-the-fact to the detriment of his parents first, he himself, and then to his trust of the HPSC… It made it perfectly reasonable for him to hold them to higher standards than most children his age would've.
Nowadays, people were so-used to treating Hero vs Villain fights like spectator sports, that they'd utterly forgotten how once upon a time, the mere hinting of a Villain Fight going on would've sent people running for the hills; often until their legs stopped working.
It was undeniable that All Might's efforts had created the greatest uninterrupted era of peace that Japan had seen in decades, but in the same way that media outlets prepared eulogies for public figures well in advance, many publishers were already preparing for the backlash of what it meant when Japan's holding pillar, its 'Symbol of Peace', was suddenly gone.
It was a little heart-breaking to discover a child who didn't look at All Might the same way he did, even the superficial part of it, but it did his heart good to know that the superhuman society that had taken so much from him, was beginning to "give back", even if it was "too little too late".
*AHA*
The following day, Doppel picked up a copy of Rift Ramblings & Records magazine, a niche periodical that was half-science, half rift-related tabloid. The reason it read halfway like an American "tabloid" magazine was because when it came to Rifts and the infinite possibilities they allowed, there wasn't always something like "empirical evidence" to back up claims of what was within, or came out of, aforementioned Rifts.
What was published was in of itself more like a transcript than an actual article. It didn't do anything to "romanticize" what had occurred that day, instead remaining surprisingly faithful to the source material that Tokuda Taneo had collected from me. It didn't go out of its way to refute that people had in fact been killed as well as maimed like a "fluff piece" would have, but instead played more like a cautionary tale, with only a sprinkling of "anyone can be a Hero to someone else" mentality, as well as the mandatory plug of- "If you see something, say something." -forewarning.
Me personally, I didn't think they had to be so overt with the whole thing, but people had experienced a massive degradation of self-preservation instinct due to the spectatorial nature of what Heroes did, so I didn't fault the magazine too harshly for treating their reader base like a bunch of braindead idiots who needed to have things like this spelled out for them in plain English.
Hopefully now that I've laid my cards on the table, people will start to lose interest in the whole debacle and I can move on with my life.
Although… I did decide to hold onto the copy that Hitomi had brought for me, if only for the novelty of having my picture in a published magazine.
*AHA*
With Thanksgiving on the horizon and all the pre-order chickens at every KFC in Asaka already bought-out, it was a good thing that the Mon Agency and Manaka family had planned to DIY in advance. Unfortunately however, this also meant that all the grocery stores were stuffed to the gills with last-minute shoppers who were stripping the shelves bare like a swarm of locusts.
Under ordinary circumstances, the sheer volume of people would've intimidated the hell out of me in this eleven-year-old body. However, having Kuma act as a living plow while I went alongside Hitomi and Mitsumi, really helped to make the whole ordeal bearable; even if more-than-once I had to stop Quirk users from plucking out-of-stock ingredients from our own cart.
"Takei-chan, I hear you're making rice stuffing for us this year~" Mitsumi said cutely, her three eyes brimming at me. "You said it was your favorite, right?"
"Yeah, although it isn't the healthiest thing you could eat," I answered, thankful that I was able to find a duplicate of the recipe my mom always used in this world as well. "So I understand your family will be eating with us?"
"That's right~" Mitsumi beamed happily before her binocular eyes closed. "Thankfully that prick Fumio won't be attending," she continued before her top eye closed, and her two opened. "Still, I miss him…"
Eesh. I'd hate to be whatever guy or girl tries dating her in the future… And don't even get me started on the potential sex life.
"Anyway… don't you guys worry about the chickens. Kuroko's family raises free range, so we'll be good on that front. Let's focus on getting everything on our list. I'm sure the others will get whatever we can't here," I hum looking down at the list in my hands, numerous items already checked out.
"OH MY GOD! THAT CHICKEN'S GOT A GRENADE!"
. . . what?
*AHA*
"-THE FUUUUUUUCK!?" I cried as Kuma enveloped the three of us, and our groceries, in a smothering bear hug, the grocery store's occupants fleeing for their lives around us. The Bear Heteromorph weathering the literal body blows like a boulder being dashed upon by mentally retarded salmon, after several seconds the aisle we were in was devoid of life, apart from those that had been trampled into the dirty linoleum tiles.
I see that they're still moving, so I guess there weren't any Black Friday-style casualties…
"Do I even want to know what would make an actual person utter a sentence like that…?" I asked irately as Kuma's arms unfolded from us.
"Probably not, but we should probably leave anyway," Kuma hummed as we all wove through the abandoned shopping carts, discarded groceries, and writhing bodies.
"YOU BASTARDS! HOW DARE YOU DENY ME MY PUMPKIN PIE FILLIIIINNNNG?!"
That's why this asshole gave live munitions to poultry!?
*AHA*
By some miracle, there was still someone behind one of the registers when we left the aisles. By the look on his face, he'd endured Villain attacks at this (and possibly previousworkplaces) so many times in the past, that he'd arbitrarily decided it was more effort than it was worth to do anything other than man his post to collect "hazard pay".
By another such miracle, we were able to get everything to the car by the time the grocery store was swarmed by low-level Heroes trying to make a name for themselves before the holiday.
By yet another tangential miracle, no-one died during the course of "The Great Poultry Scare" as it would come to be known the following morning.
"OH FUCK, WE MISSED ONE!"
. . . hah?
*AHA*
"HOW THE FUCK DO YOU ASSHOLES MISS A CHICKEN WITH A GRENADE?!" I shrieked from behind Kuma's van as a pink de-feathered chicken waddled out of the grocery store on its drumstick legs, a dark green explosive held within its bare wings.
To make matters worse, the quote/unquote "Heroes" in attendance all shying away from the damn thing!
"DAMMIT YOU ASSHOLES, YOU HAVE ONE, JOB! AT LEAST TRY TO LOOK LIKE YOU'RE EARNING YOUR PAY!"
"Y-You shouldn't say such things like that…" Mitsumi in her cutesie persona chastised.
"Christ, and everyone wonders why my opinion of most 'Heroes' is so damn low…" I mutter as Kuma and I load everything into the van.
He and Hitomi wanted to just ditch everything, but I was like- "Fuuuck that!"
"HEY CHICKENSHITS!" a fierce voice called out from above. "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU ALL?! YOU YELLOW!?"
The next moment a buff dark-skinned woman with white hair and rabbit ears swooped down and drop-kicked the grenade chicken into the far distance, a bright explosion going off in mid-air causing the other "Heroes" to let out a relieved sigh.
Taking a closer look at the real Hero, now that the danger had passed, I saw that she had an athletic build with muscular arms and legs, standing slightly below (what I assumed to be) "average height". Her skin dark, her eyes red, eyelashes long, and white hair reaching past her waist with long rabbit ears bearing a slight crook, resting upon her derriere was a white round tail, giving her the Heteromorphic traits of an albino rabbit. Albeit, one that was incredibly jacked and clad in a white cobalt-trimmed "Combat Unitard" with a gold crescent on her chest, white and cobalt leggings going up to mid-thigh with armor on her heels, toes, and shins, white fighting gloves, and a matching mask but with tiger stripes on it.
"You can go up to her you know," Hitomi said poking me in the cheek, having caught me staring. "If you see a Hero you like, ask for their autograph. It's perfectly normal," she said producing a hard-backed pocket journal with an attached pen.
"Whoa… Is this…?"
"I was going to give it to you for your birthday, but I held onto it just in case you found a Hero you liked early," she said holding up a white-and-neon green pocket journal with a matching pen in the spine, the golden insignia of Wild Tiger pressed into the front.
*AHA*
"Man, I can't believe you guys got scared of a little explosive poultry!" Usagiyama Rumi laughed at her previously-quivering peers.
The other Heroes, some of which were twice Rumi's age, visibly fumed at her, but couldn't do anything more than scowl.
"Hah~ I love it when I win~" the albino rabbit Heteromorph grinned as police showed up to apprehend the "Poultrymancer" whose face she'd kicked in moments before. That the "grenade chicken" had continued its quote/unquote rampage meant that whatever Quirk the guy was using, was one of those "Automatic" sub-types.
Just as she was about to bound off for her next case, sneakered feet were heard running toward her from the parking lot. Mirko, looking over her shoulder, saw a young tiger Heteromorph with blond and brown-striped hair clad in hand-me-downs making his way toward her.
'No. Wait. It's just the hair,' she hummed, realizing that the fin-like "ears" pointing backward from his head were held up with gel. 'Well, to each their own,' she hummed. "Yeah?"
"You… You looked really cool out there when you kicked that grenade chicken. Can I… get your autograph?" he asked nervously, holding out a snazzy white-and-neon green autograph book with gold accents.
"Sure, why not. Who do I make this out to?"
"T-Takehiko Tokei," the boy answered.
"I see. Well, nice to meet you, Takei-kun~" Mirko grinned, the boy blushing as she flipped backwards through the autograph book, only to realize it was blank all the way through. "Hoh?"
"I… I don't have a high opinion of so-called 'Heroes' weaker than bike cops who strut their stuff like peacocks," Tokei answered bashfully when he caught her eyeing the blank front page, his expression souring a little as he eyed the other Heroes in attendance who'd been caught taking a step forward like the kid were coming to them.
"Hah! Me neither!" Mirko grinned, rewarding the kid with her best signature for his honesty, capping it off with a swooping crescent moon for added flourish. "You know… You look familiar…" she hummed tapping her chin. "Where have I seen you before?"
"I-I'm sure I just have 'one of those faces'…" Tokei stammered with darting eyes, cheeks darkening.
"No, no, I've definitely seen you somewhere before…" Mirko hummed tilting her head from side to side. "Oh I remember now! You're that 'No Tongue-kun' kid from the internet, ain't ya?"
"F-f-fucking memes…!" the blond bit out furiously, gnashing his teeth as his face reddened. "That is not what I wanted brought up today…!"
"Ah, don't wanna be famous 'for being famous'?" she asked. "Fair enough. Still, I have'ta say, it took real guts grappling with that whatever-it-was like that~ You keep up the good work, I might even make you a sidekick someday. Maybe~" she grinned.
"I… I don't have such lofty aspirations…"
" . . . You aren't one of those little creepers who dresses like a kid but's actually in his thirties are you?"
"N-N-N-No, of course not!" Tokei yelped. "I'm just… well-versed for my age."
"Ah, I'm just messin' with ya~" Mirko grinned dropping to a knee and pulling him in. "You got a phone? C'mon, I'll let you take a selfie since you're the only one who stuck around, what do ya say?"
*AHA*
"Th-Thank you again," Tokei replied after Mirko took the selfie with him.
"Ah, no big deal. Even I can give out a little fanservice once in a while."
"N-Not just for the autograph and the selfie…" he countered. "You probably saved Thanksgiving just now, so… Thank you! Thank you so much!" he said bowing at the waist, Mirko looking up from him see a curvy mono-eye, a cute three-eye, and a literal bear of a man waiting by a van in the parking lot.
" . . . Kid, let me give you a little advice," Mirko said dropping to a knee and looking him straight in the eye. "The one thing in this world that'll never betray you is a day's hard work. You get what I'm sayin'?"
"Yes. I do," he answered. "But… unless I'm able to get strong like you someday…"
"Kid, I ain't tellin ya to become a Hero; there's plenty of kids who try and fail every day," she interrupted. "All I'm sayin' is, hard work always returns dividends."
"R-Right. I understand! Thank you for everything, Usagiyama-sama! I'm looking forward to seeing you in the Top 10 someday!" he bowed deeply before running off, the Rabbit Hero scratching awkwardly at her ear from the praise.
"Well shit, now I have to make it to the Top 10~"
*AHA*
"Hah? Didn't know that was your type, Take-boya~" Mitsumi's 'Top-chan' persona sneered at me after catching me make mine and Mirko's tiger-masked selfie my phone's wallpaper.
"Sh-shut up!" I snapped back. "I just thought she was really cool, that's all! She came up with the selfie idea all on her own!"
"I didn't hear you say 'noooo'~" 'Top-chan' cooed tauntingly.
"Bite me."
"I'm sure Zombie-chan would~"
"Kids. Behave," Kuma sighed as they drove home.
"I think it's really sweet~" Hitomi smiled as her little sister and 'little brother' bickered in the back seat, the mono-eye giggling as the two tugged at the corner of eachothers' mouths.
*AHA*
"As far as 'Seasonal Events' go, this one's been pretty wholesome so far," Sigmund said as he and Clank observed from the farthest afar. "Not sure if his meeting with the 'Rabbit Hero' counts as a 'Flag' though…"
"Sigmund, I highly doubt his life is going to turn out like one of those 'Galge' Gal Game Dating Simulators," Clank chastised.
"It's just 'Galge' for short. No one calls it a 'Gal Game Dating Simulator'," the former cleaner bot hummed.
"Anywho, it seems like his Aiua is acclimating to his Philote without any lasing consequences," the Caretaker of the Great Clock mused. "However… it is too soon to say conclusively that there will not be any side-effects."
" . . . You think that Rift opening up so-closely to him might've been…?"
"The chances are equally good that it was purely circumstance."
"Still, though, you and Clank ended Dimensionality hundreds of years ago. Why's it still happening in that world?"
"A dilation of time, most-likely. Nothing can be done about it in that world, because what has been done about it at-the-source has already been done at the 'epicenter' of the event…" the former Warbot defect grumbled.
"So all we can do is wait then, for the trans-dimensional 'back-pressure' to ease up?"
"We will have to, unfortunately. Too much intervention from across space-time… It was what necessitated the creation of The Great Clock in the first place…"
"What about the Super Robot Wars~?"
"That… is the result of a completely separate and wholly unrelated can of cosmic worms, that I refuse to talk further of."
"You're just upset that no alternate Ultra-Mech versions of you ever showed up for those epic crossover events~"
Chapter 19
"Mmmm~ Smells good~" Tio swooned as I worked on my own contribution to the Thanksgiving day feast.
"Less swooning, more stirring!" Doppel chastised from behind the cutting board, the sum of Mon slaving away in the kitchen while Kuroko had passed out from exhaustion.
After gathering more than enough of what we planned to make, we split the fair in a 3/5 ratio between the Mon Agency's kitchen and the Manaka family's. Our own fridge filled to the brim, we loaded the perishables into the empty coolers Zombina's replacement parts were delivered in (all of which underwent a rigorous bleach disenfecting), the living room bogged down with what didn't need refrigeration. Given Hitomi couldn't cook worth and/or with a can of beans on top of Fumio being a no-show, and I imagined Mitsumi and Kuma had an even harder time of things on their end.
Even still, there was one dish I was confident I could prepare better than everyone else, and even if I looked like a total goof wearing this Shokugeki no Souma-style headband that Doppel tied around my head for laughs, I'd pour every last drop of blood, sweat, tears, and other miscellaneous fluids I could wring out (metaphorically) into the food I was preparing!
"UWOOOOOOOH!"
"Yeah, you show that rice stuffing whose boss, Gourmet Manga-kun!"
"If you've got breath to snark, you've got room to stir! Now get back to work!"
Misery loved company after all…
*AHA*
"Jeez…" I swore as I stared at the countless glass and ceramic cookware lined with tinfoil. "I know you girls have a healthy appetite… but isn't this too much even for us?"
"Hey… We threw out all the stops for your first turkey day with us…" Doppel panted, face-down in her 'chocolate loli' form. "The least you could be is a little grateful."
"I can't feel my legs."
"That's cause you tore your stitches again. Dumbass," I bit out as Zombina laid out in two halves nearby. "Well… We'll definitely be able to make plenty of Moist Makers with all this."
"Eleven-year-old-say-what-now?" Kuroko blinked suddenly sitting up, Tio, Manako, Zombina, and even Doppel looking at me with flushed expressions.
"You know, the sandwich from… that old… TV show…" I return lamely, really hoping that Friends was an old sitcom in this universe. "Stop looking at me like that."
"Stop looking at you like what?"
Christ… If there is a God out there, please let Friends have been a sitcom in this universe…
*AHA*
"Gran Torino?!" I gawped, throwing the door open after seeing the old man on the intercom, clad in his Hero Costume with an overnight bag and Tupperware in tow. "And who's this?" I asked glancing at the little old lady who'd arrived alongside him.
"An old friend of mine, if ya catch my drift~" Sorahiko grinned waggling a pinkie before getting a cane to the head.
"Hush, you!" the little old lady chastised with a wave of her cane. She was around the same size as Torino, her gray hair styled into a netted bun, a notably small nose and eyes as well as a long mouth with defined nasolabial folds defining her features. Attire-wise, she wore a plain pink dress with a darker shawl thrown over her shoulders, an ordinary-looking cane in her hand, but no overnight bag. "I'm Shuzenji Chiyo. It's a pleasure to meet you, young man. Here, have some candy," she said fishing some gummies from her pocket.
"Ah, thanks, but, I'm actually trying to cut back on my sugar intake," I replied politely after being presented with the colorful bears. I just… even in this lifetime, I still can't stand the "mouth-feel" of chewy candy, like gum, gummies, caramel, etc.
Also, was I stereotyping if part of me was wondering how long she'd had those things in her pocket?
"See? I told you Take-chan was a stiff," Torino harumphed.
"Well I think it's pleasant when a young'n is health-conscious," Chiyo returned taking back her gummies. "I hear you're the one Hitomi-chan saved."
"You're acquainted?" I blinked.
"Yes. Back when she was in the General Course, she was always bumping into things."
"Yeah, that sounds like her…" I deadpanned. "How do you two know each other?"
"He taught at Yuuei for a year, then completely flaked."
"Y-Yuuei you say…" I gulped. "Hey um, I don't mean to sound too forward or anything, but is it only Hero trainees that can get in on Recommendation, or can General Course students get in that way too?"
She seemed like the no-nonsense type, so better to come out and say it outright.
"Oh? Not wanting to become a Hero? That isn't what he's been advertising," Chiyo harumphed prodding Torino's cheek with her cane.
"If I can be absolutely candid with you… I'd prefer to have as-little to do with Heroes and Quirk-related society in general as physically possible."
"Because you feel like we've let you down?"
"'Feel like'? The tights & undies crowd has let me down; frequently, and repeatedly, on nonconsecutive occasions, repeatedly," I spat back.
Hell, with how short-of-supply pundits were in this world, maybe that's what I'd do with my life one day. I certainly had the chip on my shoulder for it…
"Geez, don't have a cow, Take-chan," Chiyo hummed. "As for your question… If you can get Hitomi to vouch for you after your stint at Damoto, I'll see what I can do."
"Thank you very much, miss," I bowed.
If I tried calling her "young lady" to her face, she's more-likely to just whack me with her cane instead of being flattered.
*AHA*
While Chiyo was off chastising Zombina about the abuses she inflicted on her own body, and to Tio about failing to mind her BMI, Hitomi, Mitsumi, and Kuma were next to arrive, the lot of them weighted down by many Tupperware and other dishes.
"Well, I'm glad we made all this extra food," Mitsumi in her 'Default' hummed thoughtfully.
"Just don't let your eyes be bigger than your stomach."
"Oh hah, hah, hah…" Mitsumi in her 'Top-chan' persona grumbled. "I am literally, holding, my sides."
"Yeah, nice to see you again too."
"Hey~! Takei-kun and Top-chan shouldn't fight~!" Mitsumi in her 'Mii-chan' persona went on to chastise.
Once again, I really the pity the boy and/or girl who tries to bed this adorable, hot mess…
*AHA*
"I see… I see…" Kuroko nodded into the phone. "I see, TAKE-CHAN!"
"What?"
"Good news! Your imouto's on her way! Looks like Koichi and the missus were able to make it after all~"
"Imouto...?" Mitsumi blinked.
"This many mouths to feed, I hope we have enough room…" I hummed eyeing the dining room table which was seated to capacity, as well as Zombina's ping-pong table, which had been retrofitted into the 'kiddie table' and was also seated to capacity…
"Just a little forewarning, her kaa-san's a bit of a spaz too, so you might wanna wait on the porch."
"Oh good lord, there's two of them…?!"
"INCOMIIIING!" Hitomi cried as something with an impressive wingspan descended upon the apartment's porch, a loud *THUMP!* sounding causing me to palm my face.
"Shouldn't you get an ice pack?" Mitsumi questioned.
"No need. I'll just wait five seconds and she'll forget about her head injury," I said sliding open the door, Chiyo pouting in the background. "Um… KUROKOOO!"
"Yeah?"
"Is Koichi some kind if pedophile?"
"Why do you ask?"
" . . . Because I think I'm looking at legal kiddie porn…" I said staring down at who I assumed was Papi's mother.
Aforementioned person was a harpy-like Heteromorph, same as Papi with blue wings and scaled legs. Their body types were almost identical too, although this potential bird-brain was extremely tan with long bleached-blond hair and heavy makeup. Between that and her short-sleeved button-up, pleated plaid-patterned skirt, with thigh-high socks and leg-warmers, she looked like a stereotypical Ganguro; "Gyaru" for a Western audience.
"What's with the Ganguro?" 'Top-chan' questioned.
"What's a Ganguro?" 'Mii-chan' then questioned cutely.
"You'll... learn when you're older," Mitsumi 'Prime' countered.
"My thoughts exactly."
"Ow… My head…" the harpy groaned as she sat up, heedless of the fact that her skirt had flipped up revealing very lacy black panties on a body I couldn't look at as an adult without an- "FBI OPEN UP!" -meme playing out IRL five seconds later.
" . . . You're Papi's mom… right?" I asked hoping it wasn't the alternative.
. . .
Eyuuhhhgh!
Gross.
"Yeah, I'm Papi's momma," the Ganguro harpy replied.
" . . . If Koichi doesn't have a good explanation for this, I'm going to have to make a call."
"And no jury on Earth would blame you," Kuroko nodded.
"Onii-chaaaaaaan!"
*THUMP!*
"Huh. Like mother, like daughter," I mused to myself as Papi too smeared herself on the patio window/door…
"Owieeeee! My heaaaaaaaad!"
"Come on. Let's go get you an ice pack," I said holding out my hand to her.
"Okie! Onii-chan!" Papi beamed happily, grabbing me by the hand with her weird little thumb thing.
*Tap*Tap*Tap*
"Oh hey, onii-chan! When did you get here?" Papi asked happily, no longer cradling her head.
Okay I know I was joking, but…!
*AHA*
After a brief round of introductions where Papi didn't remember Mitsumi even after meeting her multiple personalities, I decided to do the thing that kids did on Thanksgiving; watch television.
Ours was an international cable package because what happened in one country affected all of them, even in this "era of peace" we were all enjoying. Something familiar I saw was that even 200 years later, the Thanksgiving Day Parade was still... garishly gaudy and ostentatious. Only difference was the superheroes portrayed in the floats were real, and there were even real superheroes flying alongside.
This "Captain Celebrity" guy looked unobtrusively like a Superman expy.
"Sooo… Is this about everyone?" I asked Manako as the apartment started to fill up; I can only assume the soundproofing was quite significant, otherwise we'd have been flooded with noise complaints.
"Not yet. One of Kuroko's friends and her family will be coming, so about… four more," the shorter mono-eye answered.
"Four more, so that makes… eighteen mouths to feed," I hummed looking back at the kitchen, wondering whether or not there would be Moist Makers in my future. "How soon do you think the last of them will arrive? Sorahiko's getting cranky, and I don't like that look in Zombina's eye. And don't even get me started on Papi."
"I-I'm sure they'll be here soon."
*Knock*Knock*Knock-Knock*Knock*
*Knock*Knock*
"Oh, well, speak of the devil," I hum weaving through bodies and going to the door.
What greeted me when I arrived was a tall, curvaceous woman in the middling ground between her twenties and her thirties. Her eyes a sky blue that tilted downwards in the center and framed by a set of rather long eyelashes, her head of dark pruple hair was spiky and abundant formed into layers of varying lengths, the longest reaching down to her waist, her chin-length bangs parted to the sides of her face. She had a small beauty mark below her left eye, and her nails were printed red, but I only noticed that after catching an eyeful of her quote/unquote "outfit".
Aforementioned clothing instantaneously screamed "dominatrix", consisting of a breastless black leather leotard over a thin, skin-tight flesh-colored bodysuit that accentuated her voluptuous figure and left almost nothing to the imagination. The center strip of her leotard was embellished with red gemstone-like accessories in a vertical pattern extending from her collar to her midriff, and her long legs were clad in translucent black thigh-high garter stockings, which were attached to a burgundy utility belt decorated with gold studs around her hips, a matching pentagonal buckle at its center, and black knee-high boots. In front of her eyes was a thin red-colored domino mask-styled set of glasses, and a handcuff on each wrist.
"Why don't you take a picture young man? It'll last longer~" she purred seductively
" . . . Okay, which smartass ordered the Strippergram and thought it would be funny?" I grumbled angrily over my shoulder.
"Strippergram? Oh, such a naughty, naughty word~" the curvy woman swooned as she drew an ebony bullwhip tight before herself, tongue gliding provocatively across her lips as a heated expression came to her face. "I might just have to punish you for that~"
" . . . Yes, one-one-nine? Oh hey, Tom! How're the wife and kids doing? Yes, I'd like to report a sexual predator in my area. . . . Yes I'll hold."
"Ack! Wait-wait-wait! Stop! I can't afford to get written up again?!" the woman cried out almost immediately dropping the act.
I would later learn that her costume was on the "conservative" end of the "Racy Hero Costume" spectrum.
Later-after-that, I would learn that her original costume was basically a Nudist Beach uniform from Kill la Kill, just with a trench coat thrown over it half the time… and when she graduated all she did was throw a girdle over her midsection…
*AHA*
"Wow. Getting written up for sexual harassment by a ten-year-old. That's a new low even for you, onee-san~"
"Quiet, Kaori! Don't forget who has the bullwhip!"
"Which I'm sure your 'Midnight Boys' treat as a fringe benefit."
Oof, did the temperature just drop ten degrees in here or what?
The younger sister of Nemuri Kayama, aka the "R-Rated Hero: Midnight", looked startlingly similar to her older sibling; so-much-so that I wouldn't be surprised if one got mistaken for the other. And with how the older sibling dressed, I can see how the younger might be embarrassed by it… Thankfully, Kaori was wearing actual clothing, but this just had me wondering how the hell things went if they had to take the train or something to get here.
Standing behind the two quarreling siblings were a man and child, Kaori's spouse and daughter if their positioning was any indicator. The husband, who I would later learn was named Katsu Kuzuri, for some explicable reason looked like Wolverine down to the manly sideburns. Whether or not he had the same powers in this universe, I wasn't eager to find out. The daughter, who I would later learn was named Atsuka, looked like a tiny adorable version of her mother and aunt, a little younger than I was maybe, which had me thinking that the maternal bloodline of the family had a firm lock on how the descendants of that family looked.
"Katsu, why don't we have a couple drinks while the wife and in-law have it out where we can't see them?" Kuroko offered while holding out a beer, Katsu nodding his head while Atsuka kept her head down.
"Well…" I hummed as I guided Atsuka over to where Mitsumi and I were sitting. "Your auntie's costume is certainly… distinctive."
"Did you seriously call one-one-nine on her?" she blinked.
"Wanna check my caller history?"
"No thanks. I'll take your word for it."
"So… any idea how Kuroko and your auntie know one another?"
"They went to Yuuei at around the same time. I think they're drinking buddies or something, always dragging okaa-san along to bitch and moan about not having boyfriends."
Wow, this ten-year-old's got a mouth on her…
I'm eleven, and that is my excuse~
"So what, do dating apps still not work in this century?"
"You act like you know how they worked last century. Or the century before that," 'Top-chan' huffed before Mitsumi swiftly amended. "I mean… It isn't hard to imagine that they don't work in any century."
Nice to know some things never change…
"C'mon, kiddos, enough about dating apps! It's time to eat!" Kuroko whooped, beer can in hand and a veritable smorgasbord of food was arrayed before us.
*AHA*
"So she... really doesn't see anything 'off' about this?" Mitsumi asked from beside me as Papi stuffed her face with chicken.
"Is there anything wrong with a human eating monkey?"
"Well, no, but-"
"Hasn't your dad ever eaten bear?"
"Well, one time we ate fried bear, but as soon as we broke through the crunchy layer, the smell almost flattened us..." Hitomi, who'd volunteered to sit with us at the kids' table, answered.
" . . . Well there you go. This isn't weird at all."
"Seeing who your company is... I can see why you'd think that," 'Top-chan' hummed idly. "So what's this I hear about pervy sandwiches."
Japanese version of God, please kill me now...
*AHA*
A while and many plates of food later...
"I notice you've been eyeing my bullwhip~" Midnight purred toward the kiddie table after catching me looking over my shoulder. "Are you perhaps at the age where your curiosity regarding the seductive arts has been… piqued, amongst other things~?"
"No. I'm just wondering whether I should call in a professional cleaner, or just burn the whole damn couch after you draped that naaaasty thing over it."
"Ex-cuse you…?!"
"I mean, there's just no telling where that thing has been. Who it's been used on," I continued as I turned back to my food.
"You act as if I never disinfect that thing!" Midnight cried out aghast.
"When was the last time you disinfected that thing?" the R-Rated Hero's sister questioned. "Or was there even 'a last time'?"
" . . . Of course there was a last time!"
"That pause of yours does not inspire confidence."
"Ew," the R-Rated Hero's niece retched.
" . . . I don't get it," Papi blinked.
"Tio, as soon as I find the lighter fluid, I'm going to need you to help me move that couch to the roof."
"Okey-dokey!"
"Hey hold on a second! I'm not saying I never disinfected that thing…!" the R-Rated Hero cried out, growing further flustered as half the table ignored her in favor of their meals, while the other half sent judgmental looks her way.
"Careful with how you're eyeballing her. 'Stripperella' might get off on that sort of play," I commented between bites.
"How the hell do you even know what that means?!" Midnight demanded.
"I was born in the birthplace of tentacle porn and the modern love hotel. You tell me," I replied sarcastically before I went back to stuffing my face, figuring today of all days would be my 'cheat day'.
This, and, however-long our leftovers lasted. Though given how much Tio was packing away into her boobs…!
*AHA*
"Fare thee well, o noble sofa, cupper of bodacious butts, and cradler of hungover women! You shall be missed!" Zombina wept dramatically with tears running down her face as Tio wrestled the couch toward the doorway.
"Seriously, stop this, I will pay for a cleaner! I'll pay for the best upholstery cleaner in the whole damn country! Just don't burn that thing or my sister will never let me hear the end of it!" Midnight cried trying to stop the Heteromorph in her tracks.
"Too late," Kaori replied as she saluted the piece of furniture.
"Are all Thanksgivings like this?" Hitomi questioned.
"To be fair, things were much simpler when we just got chickens from KFC…" Manako hummed.
And what was I doing while this drama was unfolding around me?
I was standing off to the side playing "Amazing Grace" in Scottish Bagpipes on my phone like a complete jackass.
You know. For the lols.
*YAWWWWWWN!*
Ohp… Here comes the food coma…
Nap time…
*AHA*
By the time I came to, the sun was well below the horizon, the apartment filled with snoring after everyone had laid down wherever they could've sensibly laid down, the sound of the TV white noise in the backdrop. Tio was off in one corner snuggling Manako and Zombina like they were stuffed toys, Koichi was off to the side with his wife in a manner that wouldn't exactly be considered cosher if everyone were still conscious, I had no idea where Kuroko had wound up, and as for me…
I was on the couch which by some miracle hadn't been taken to the roof for a Viking funeral. That by itself would've been innocuous-enough… if it weren't for the fact that Asuka was on my left arm, Mitsumi on my right, and Papi draped across my lap, the three of them snuggling into me like I were some kind of prepubescent "Harem Protag-kun" from a trashy lightnovel.
Thank Kami no-one's awake to see this.
"I am totally awake to see this~"
"Dammit, Doppel, really?"
*Click*
"This is gonna make a great Christmas card~"
"You're lucky I'm bogged down with poultry right now…!"
*Click*Click*Click*
Though bogged-down with poultry I might have been, Doppel's chocolate loli ass was pushing it!
*AHA*
There wasn't much I could do to stop Doppel once she got an idea in her head, so I didn't even bother trying anymore. Only thing I could do was make everyone else as-comfortable as they could while they were sleeping off the chicken and dressing, which meant raiding the supply closet for blankets and pillows.
Most-all of it was pretty standard stuff. Some of the couples had dozed off in love seats, a few were asleep at the table, Hitomi was laying against her father's side as he snored like a lawnmower, and Zombina for some reason had dozed off on the ping-pong/kiddie table. At first I had assumed that Sorahiko and Chio had gone home, but I found them snoring away in one of the guest rooms, the Recovery Hero subconsciously keeping Gran Torino at bay with her cane.
"Now all that's missing are Kuroko and Nemuri…" I hummed idly.
The clattering of beer cans up the hall catching my attention, I tempered my sense of decency in expectation.
As-usual, the floor of Kuroko's room was covered with discarded clothing and beer cans.
What was different however, were that there were articles of clothing scattered about that I knew Kuroko didn't own.
Finding myself unable to hold my eyes to the floor, what I found upon Kuroko's bed made me deeply regret not reincarnating into a body that'd already gone through puberty.
*Click*
"Doppel. What the hell are you doing?"
"Blackmail~" the chocolate loli grinned, eyes glinting in the darkness. "Oh don't make that face. I'll send these your way too once your balls drop~" she grinned salaciously.
Well… I'd already seen Kuroko wandering the halls in her underwear enough times for it to get old, but I had to admit, for a potential sex predator, Nemuri Kayama had an amazing body.
Doppel was going to tease me like hell for this anyway, so I might as well burn the lascivious scene of these lovely ladies into my memory for… posterity.
Yes. That's why.
*Click*
Now if only Doppel would stop taking photos…
*AHA*
"Um... Shuzenji-san."
"Please, call me Chiyo."
"R-Right, Chiyo... I hope that all of... this, won't reflect poorly on me in the future."
"I'm just a school nurse, dearie. I'm not on the admission's board. And in all honesty, I'm amazed you're still sane after living with these... problem children," she said watching Torino use Zombina's disembodied hand to scratch himself in a very undignified location. "You... You just enjoy your childhood. Leave the fate of the free world to the grown-ups, you hear? Contrary to unpopular belief, we aren't that incompetent."
" . . . I promise only to try," I concede.
"I suppose that's all I can ask for," she said before jabbing Tornio with her cane. "Up and at 'em, lazy bum. You going to make a lady walk home by herself?"
*Snort* "I'm up... I'm up," the old man insisted. "Take-chan, you keep on doing your exercises, and you'll be swimming in-"
"Torino!"
"-moolah when you get older," he course-corrected.
"Right... Because that's totally what you were going to say," I say rolling my eyes. " . . . Try not to die of a coronary, ojii-chan."
"Right back at ya, boya-chan."
The two elderly people leaving in short order, I threw a blanket over Mitsumi, Papi, and Asuka before heading off to bed to sleep what I did not want to see off like a baaaad hangover...