PART 1 WE MEET AGAIN
CHAPTER 1 NOAH
Ten months later...
The noise at the airport was deafening, people rushing back and forth, dragging suitcases, dragging children, dragging carts. I stared at the screen above my head, searching for the name of my next destination and the exact time I was supposed to board. I wasn't too thrilled about going there alone, I had never liked planes, but I didn't have many other options: now it was just me, only me, and no one else.
I checked my watch and looked at the screen again. Okay, I had plenty of time, I could still grab a coffee in the terminal and read for a while surely that would calm me down. I walked over to the metal detectors; honestly, I hated being patted down every time I passed through them, and they always did it because I always had something that set off the alarm. Maybe, as they had once told me, I really did have a heart of metal the simple reason why going anywhere with detectors was a nightmare for me.
I placed my small backpack on the conveyor belt, took off my watch and bracelets, and the necklace I always wore around my neck — even though I probably should have taken it off long ago and put everything together with my phone and the few coins in my pocket.
Shoes too, ma'am the young security guard told me in a tired tone. I understood, that job had to be the definition of boring and monotonous, his brain probably went numb from doing and saying the same thing all day. I placed my white Converse in the tray and was grateful that I hadn't worn socks with cartoon prints or anything like that — that would have been so embarrassing. While my things began to move along the belt, I walked through the detector and of course... it beeped.
Stand here, please, arms and legs apart he ordered, and I sighed.
Do you have any metal objects, any sharp objects or any...?
I don't have anything, this always happens and I don't know why I replied, letting the guard pat me down from head to toe. It must be a filling or something.
My answer made him laugh a little, and suddenly I just wanted him to take his hands off me.
When he finally let me go, I grabbed my things and headed straight for the duty-free shop. Hello? Giant Toblerones? Well, that was that. I think that was the only good thing about being in an airport. I bought two, stuffed them in my carry-on and went to find my gate. LAX was big, but luckily my gate wasn't too far. I walked along the half-carpeted floors with arrows and signs under my feet, passed a thousand posters saying "Goodbye" in dozens of different languages, and reached my gate. There weren't many people waiting yet, so I got in without any problem after showing my passport and boarding pass. When I crossed the plane door, I sat down, took out my book and started eating Toblerone.
Things had been going reasonably well until the letter I had tucked between the pages fell onto my lap, bringing back memories I had sworn to forget and bury. I felt a knot in my stomach as the images flooded back and ruined my calm day.
Nine months earlier...
The news that Nicholas was leaving had reached me through unexpected channels. No one had wanted to tell me anything about him, and it was clear that was because he must have given very strict instructions about it. Not even Jenna talked about Nick, and I knew she had seen him more than once. The worried look on her face was a reflection of what she must have witnessed whenever she and Lion went to his apartment. My friend was stuck between a rock and a hard place just one more thing to add to my long list of guilty feelings.
I hadn't seen Nicholas again, but his actions toward me didn't take long to arrive. Some boxes with my things showed up barely two weeks after we broke up, and when I saw "N" in a pet carrier I had a full-on anxiety attack that left me knocked out on the bed after my tears finally ran dry. Our poor kitten now mine. I had to leave him with my mom at my old house because my roommate was terribly allergic. It was hard to part with him, but I didn't have a choice.
That period of my life when I just cried and cried I have labeled "my dark era" because that's exactly what it was: I was inside a black tunnel with no light, drowning in total darkness from which I couldn't escape despite the daylight or the glow of the lamp next to my bed; I suffered panic attacks almost daily until a doctor finally sent me straight to a psychiatrist.
At first, I didn't even want to hear the word "therapy," but I guess deep down it helped because I started getting out of bed in the mornings and doing the basic things a human being does... until that night, the night I understood that if Nick left, everything would be lost forever.
I found out through a simple conversation in the campus cafeteria. God, even the gossiping college girls knew more about Nick than I did at that point.
A girl had been talking about my boyfriend sorry, ex-boyfriend and without realizing it, she told me he was leaving for New York in just a few days.
Something took control of me then, made me get in the car and drive to his apartment. I had avoided thinking about that place, about everything that had happened there, but I couldn't let him go not without seeing him, not without having one last conversation. The last time I had seen him was the night we broke up.
With trembling hands and legs threatening to give out on me, I entered Nick's building. I took the elevator, went up to his floor and stood in front of his door.
What was I going to say to him? What could I do to make him forgive me, to make him stay, to make him love me again?
I rang the doorbell almost fainting. I was scared, anxious and sad and that's how he found me when he opened the door.
At first we just stood there in silence, staring at each other. He hadn't expected to see me there; in fact, I would have bet that his plan had been to leave without looking back, to forget me, to act as if I had never existed but he hadn't counted on me not making it so easy for him.
The tension was almost palpable. He looked incredible dark jeans, white t-shirt, slightly messy hair. Calling him incredible was an understatement: he always was, but that look in his eyes, that light that used to appear on his face when he saw me, was gone. The magic that used to spellbind us whenever we were face to face had vanished.
Seeing him so handsome, so tall, so mine... it felt like having my loss rubbed in my face, like a punishment.
What are you doing here? his voice was cold and harsh as ice and it snapped me out of my daze.
I... I stammered. What could I say? What could I do to make him look at me again as if I were his light, his hope, his life?
He didn't even seem willing to listen, as he started to close the door in my face, but then I made a decision: if I had to fight, I would fight; I wasn't going to let him leave, I couldn't lose him without him, I wouldn't survive. The pain of seeing him right there and not being able to beg him to hold me, to calm the ache that burned me day after day, was unbearable. I moved forward and slipped through the small opening, stepping into his apartment and invading his space.
What do you think you're doing? he asked, following me as I went straight to the living room. The place was unrecognizable: closed boxes everywhere, white sheets covering the couch and coffee table. Memories of us having breakfast together, stolen kisses on that couch, cuddles watching movies, him making me breakfast, me sighing in pleasure between those cushions as he kissed me breathless...
All of that was gone. There was nothing left.
Tears began to fall uncontrollably, and I turned to face him.
You can't leave I said in a choked voice; he couldn't leave me.
Get out, Noah. I'm not doing this he replied, jaw clenched tight.
His tone startled me and my tears only came faster. No... damn it, no, I wasn't leaving not without him.
Nick, please, I can't lose you I begged, my voice pitiful. My words weren't anything fancy, but they were honest, completely honest I wouldn't survive a life without him.
Nicholas's breathing was getting heavier and heavier; I was afraid I was pushing him too far, but if I was walking into the lion's den, I might as well go all in.
Get out.
His order was clear and final, but I had always been good at disobeying him... and I wasn't going to stop now.
Don't you miss me? I asked, my voice breaking mid-question. I glanced around and then fixed my eyes back on him. Because I can barely breathe... I can barely get out of bed in the morning; I go to sleep thinking of you, I wake up thinking of you, I cry for you...
I wiped my tears impatiently and Nicholas took a step forward, but not to comfort me quite the opposite. His hands gripped my arms tightly. Too tightly.
And what do you think I've been doing?! he shouted, furious. You broke me, damn it!
Feeling his hands on me even if the gesture was harsh was enough to give me strength. I had missed his touch so much that it felt like a jolt of adrenaline straight to my soul.
I'm sorry I said, lowering my head, because feeling it was one thing, but facing the hatred in his beautiful eyes was another. I made a mistake, a huge, unforgivable mistake, but you can't let that be the end of us. I raised my eyes. This time he needed to see I meant it, that I was speaking from the heart. I will never love anyone the way I love you.
My words seemed to burn him, because he let go of me, turned away and raked his hands through his hair in desperation, then looked back at me. He looked deranged, as if fighting the worst battle of his life.
Silence fell between us.
How could you? he asked seconds later, and my heart shattered again when I heard his voice crack on the last word.
I took a hesitant step toward him. He was hurt because of me, and all I wanted was for him to hold me, to hug me again, to tell me everything would be okay.
I don't even remember... I admitted, my voice raw with anguish. It was true, I didn't remember my mind had blocked it out; in fact, that night, that awful night, I had been so absolutely destroyed thinking he had done the same thing to me, that I hadn't even been able to stop it I just let it happen. At that moment in my life, I had been so broken that I had simply disconnected from my body and my soul. Nothing that isn't about you stays in my memory. Nick, I need you to forgive me, I need you to look at me the way you used to.
My words broke down pathetically; my heart hurt so much seeing him there but feeling him so far away...
Tell me what I can do to make you forgive me...
He looked at me in disbelief, as if I were asking for something impossible, as if everything coming out of my mouth was nonsense.
And yes, I felt ridiculous because... could I have forgiven a betrayal? A betrayal from Nick?
A huge pain stabbed my chest and that was enough for me to know the answer... No, of course not. Just imagining Nick in another woman's arms made me want to pull my hair out to erase the image.
I wiped my tears with my arm and realized it was all useless. We stayed in silence for a few moments, and I knew I had to leave I couldn't stand this feeling of loss, because yes, I had lost him, and no amount of begging could change that.
The tears kept falling silently... I knew what we were having was a silent goodbye. Goodbye... My God, saying goodbye to Nick! How does one even do that? How do you say goodbye to the person you love and need most in your life?
I started walking toward the door, but before I could pass him, Nick moved, stood in front of me, and to my surprise, his lips landed on mine, his hands grabbed my shoulders and pressed me against him, and I stood still, receiving a kiss I hadn't expected in years.
Why, damn it? he groaned a second later, gripping my arms tightly.
I cupped his face in my hands, and before I had time to think about what was happening, my back hit the living room wall and he held me there with force, his mouth seeking in mine the air that seemed to have been taken from us. I pulled him closer desperately, his tongue entering my mouth while his hands traveled down my body. But then something changed his attitude, his kiss it turned rougher, more urgent. He tore his lips from mine and slammed me against the wall again, barely letting me move.
You shouldn't be here he growled in anger, and when I opened my eyes, I saw tears streaming down his face. I had never seen him cry like that, never.
I felt suffocated, I felt like we weren't doing this right, that this was wrong, so wrong. I wanted to caress his cheek, wipe away those tears, hold him tight and beg his forgiveness a thousand times over. I don't know what my eyes showed in that moment, but when they locked with Nick's, his seemed to ignite with something I could only describe as rage rage and pain, a deep pain I knew all too well.
I loved you —he said, burying his face in my neck. I felt him trembling, and my hands clung to him as if they never wanted to let go. I loved you, damn it! he shouted again, stepping away from me.
Nicholas took a step back, looked at me as if seeing me for the first time, then looked down at the floor before meeting my gaze again.
Get out of this apartment and don't you dare come back.
I looked him straight in the eyes and understood everything was lost. Tears threatened to fall, but there was no trace of love in his eyes anymore only pain, pain and hatred and there was nothing I could do to fight that. I had believed I could win him back, believed that the love I felt for him would bring his back, but I had been so wrong. From love to hate there is just one step... and that was exactly what I was witnessing.
That was the last time I saw him.
Miss a voice next to me said, snapping me back to reality.
I lifted my head from the letter and saw a flight attendant looking at me with slight impatience.
Yes? I replied, sitting up as my book and Toblerone slipped off my lap.
Almost everyone has boarded. May I see your ticket?
I looked around. Damn it! I was the only one left in the room. I saw the two flight attendants watching me from the door that led to the jet bridge and I quickly got up. Damn!
I'm sorry I apologized, grabbing my backpack and rummaging through it to pull out my passport and ticket. The girl took it and walked to the door. I followed her, giving the room one last glance to make sure I hadn't left anything behind, and waited.
Your seat is at the back on the right... Have a nice flight.
I nodded as I walked down the jet bridge, feeling a knot in my stomach.
Six hours of flight to New York that's what was waiting for me.
The trip felt endless. I didn't even want to imagine the temperatures in New York since it was mid-July, and I was glad my stay there was going to be short because it was for a very simple reason.
When I got off the plane, I went straight to the station. I had a short train ride from the airport to Jamaica Station, where I would take another train to East Hampton. I still couldn't believe I was going to visit such a snobbish place that had never interested me, but Jenna oh, Jenna! wanted to have a full-blown wedding; yes, she had spent months planning it and had chosen to get married in the Hamptons, just like some rich American girl. Her mother had owned a mansion in that exclusive area since forever, where they usually spent summers, and Jenna loved that place since it held all her childhood memories. After looking it up online, I was shocked at the millions it cost to have a house there.
Jenna had told me she wanted me there a week before the wedding. It was Tuesday, and my best friend wouldn't stop being single until Sunday. Many people said getting married at nineteen was crazy, but who were we to judge a couple's love? If they wanted to and were ready and sure about their love, then to hell with convention.
So there I was, getting off the train at Jamaica Station, facing two more hours of travel during which I had to prepare myself not only to watch my best friend get married, but also to see Nicholas Leister again after ten months without knowing anything about him except for the few things I had managed to find online.
Nick was the best man, and I was one of the bridesmaids... you can imagine what a great picture that made. Maybe time had healed the wounds, maybe time had brought forgiveness. I didn't know, but one thing was clear: we were going to face each other again, and most likely World War III was going to break out.
(Above mentioned words are all from the book of Culpa Nuestra, Spanish book written by Mercedes Ronn, I just traslated this in English if you want to communicate with me ...my Instagram account @_._priyeah_._)
Be ready for chapter 2 guys...