As the crowd dispersed from the Palace grounds, I saw Milo still standing there.
He was staring at the spot where he had plunged his blade toward Lady Octavi's throat. His eyes seemed distant, as if he were lost in thought or contemplation. It was clear that his victory had not brought him joy or glory.
Watching him, I wondered: What does Lady Octavi think or feel, knowing she needed to lose the spar purposely? Is she in a state like Milo?
"My Lady," Adel called out from behind me. "The others have already left."
I turned away from the grounds and started to walk.
While I walked to rejoin the others, Adel fell into step beside me.
"Adel," I asked, "what did you think about the spar between Milo and Lady Octavi?"
"What did I think? Huh?" She blinked. "I didn't have any thoughts about it, My Lady…"
"Come on! You are on the same level as Lady Octavi; surely you must have some thoughts about it."
"I don't have any thoughts about it, My Lady," she repeated flatly.
"That is odd. How do you not have any thoughts after watching the match?"
Adel ignored me, staring straight ahead as we walked.
"Come on! Adel!" I pressed. "You are on the same level as Lady Octavi. Surely you will have some thoughts about the match…"
Adel still ignored me. Feeling that she didn't want to share her thoughts, I decided to keep silent and continued to walk.
We turned a corner into a long hallway.
Suddenly, I saw my mother in the distance. The hallway was empty except for her and one other person.
I signaled Adel to stop. I approached quietly.
As I got closer, I identified the other figure.
It was The Queen.
I stopped immediately and hid behind a pillar. I peeked out.
They were arguing.
My mother stood with her arms wrapped around herself, calm and composed. The Queen, however, seemed furious. She paced around my mother, her gestures wild and angry. I couldn't hear their exact words, but the tension in the air was palpable—thick enough to choke on.
However, as I looked closer, my mother seemed unaffected. It felt like this wasn't her first time dealing with the Queen's temper. They argued like old rivals who knew exactly which buttons to push.
The Queen circled my mother, letting everything out. Finally, having exhausted her rage, the Queen stormed off. I saw her fists clenching and unclenching as she walked away, her pace quick and agitated.
I watched the Queen disappear.
Then I looked back at my mother.
She was staring directly at me.
She smirked.
Panic flared in my chest. I turned to flee.
But Adel was standing right in front of me, blocking my path.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Footsteps approached from behind. Slow, deliberate.
I tried to pass Adel to her right. She moved to her right. I tried to pass to her left. She mirrored me. She wasn't letting me go.
"My Aurelia…"
The voice was right behind my ear.
Slowly, I turned my body.
"Yes, my Mother…"
She was smiling, but her eyes were sharp. She leaned her face toward mine.
"What were you doing here?"
"Nothing…"
She reached out. Her index finger touched my forehead, tapping it lightly.
"Did you watch everything?"
I looked at her finger, unable to meet her gaze. "Yes, I did…"
She pulled back.
"Did you enjoy the show?"
"I don't quite understand or follow; what does Mother ask?"
"The show," she clarified, "where the Queen lashed it all out on your mother."
I stayed quiet. I didn't know the right answer.
A few seconds passed.
"Just forget it!" she said breezily. "Now, we need to walk out of here."
My mother walked past us, leading the way. We followed behind her.
As we left the Palace, I couldn't help but wonder what the Queen had said to my mother. The question burned in my mind all the way home.
~
At Home
Adel was helping me change out of my formal gown and into my pyjamas.
"Adel," I asked as she unlaced my bodice. "Do you know or have any idea what my mother and the Queen were arguing about back then?"
"Has My Lady asked Madam about this?" Adel replied, not looking up.
"Not yet…"
"If that is the case, My Lady needs to ask Madam directly. You can't find any answer from me."
"Well, I don't really try to find an answer from you, but rather find a clue from you…"
"A clue?"
"Yes. Because you are an observant person."
"I appreciate your compliment; however, I can't tell My Lady anything about Madam."
I frowned.
Adel continued, "Is the best way to ask your own mother, My Lady?"
"In this circumstance, I believe it is not the right thing to do…"
Adel helped me slip into the soft fabric of my pyjamas.
"What are you talking about, My Lady? Not the right thing to do? Is asking your own mother not the right thing to do?"
"This matter isn't a light thing," I explained, turning so she could tie the sash. "It must be huge and sensitive. Will my mother open up to me about it? It is the Queen and my mother. What I want to know is surely not something that can be easily discussed."
Adel finished tying the sash. Her fingers lingered for a moment before she stepped back.
"If you have a mind like that, it means some things are better left unspoken, My Lady," she said quietly.
I spun around. "Bu—"
Adel cut me off with a shake of her head. Her expression was firm.
"What will you do if My Lady knows the reason behind it?"
Her words hung in the air, leaving me with a sense of unease.
I turned away from her and walked to the window.
"You know, Adel…" I said, staring out at the night. "Today, I learned a lot of things. A matchmaking rig. A facade. And the problem between my mother and the Queen. I never realized how complicated things were until now."
I opened the window and walked onto the balcony. The cool night air hit my face.
I heard Adel's footsteps following me.
I took a deep breath. Finally, I turned to face her.
"Who am I, Adel?"
My expression was stern.
Adel looked at me with a mixture of surprise and confusion. "What do you mean by that, My Lady?"
I gazed into her eyes. "I mean, who am I really?"
I looked up at the sky, full of bright stars.
"As I lost all my memory seven years ago and lived after that… I felt like I was living someone else's life."
"You are you, My Lady… There is no one but yourself…"
Her words resonated, but a part of me still felt lost.
"I am Aurelia Aurelius…" I whispered.
Was it the answer? Was it my name? Was it my true identity, or just a label given to me by others?
"Is that really who I am? That name… is that me, Adel?"
"What is this about? Why does My Lady suddenly ask that?"
I gazed into Adel's eyes, searching for answers only she could provide.
"I just feel I am not me. I feel like I am living in someone else's shadow, wearing a mask that isn't truly mine."
Adel's expression softened. "You are more than a name, My Lady. You are the sum of your choices and experiences, unique and irreplaceable. Your identity is defined by your actions and how you respond to the world around you."
"BUT—" I interrupted. "But what if I don't even know who I am anymore? What if the world around me is against me, trying to shape me into something I'm not? I have killed child—"
"YOU DIDN'T KILL THEM!"
Adel interrupted with a sudden burst of emotion. Her voice cracked the silence.
"Those children died because of someone else! It was not your fault. You must not let guilt define you."
"BUT I KNEW ABOUT THEM!" I screamed, clutching my chest. My breath came too fast. "I knew everything that would happen… I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew, I KNEW, KNEW—"
My knees collapsed.
Adel rushed forward. She caught me before I hit the stone floor.
She held me tight.
"I may not be Lady Octavi," she whispered fiercely. "And My Lady doesn't share your secrecy with me. But please, let me help you carry this burden. You are not alone in this. Let's face it together."
Her voice was gentle yet firm, filled with empathy. Her face was stern yet compassionate. I found solace in her presence.
"Thank you, Adel," I whispered, tears streaming down my face.
Adel helped me inside. She sat me down at my desk and handed me a glass of water.
The Red Book lay on top of the table.
I looked at it. Then at Adel.
I started to tell her everything. About my fate. About the Book.
Adel listened attentively as I poured my heart out. Her comforting presence gave me the strength to share my deepest fears and vulnerabilities.
As I finished, I remembered very clearly what Adel asked after that.
…
"Do you want to change your fate, My Lady? Or do you want to understand it?"
…