Have you ever known the pain of being condemned as less than human for no reason? Abused mentally and physically for being different? Or the agony of appearing strong when all you want is for somebody to hold you and offer comfort? The sheer terror of a child who has been taught
that showing any emotions brings crippling pain and ruthless beatings? The loneliness of being alone no matter how many people you're with- no matter how many friends you have? The guilt that plagues your mind when you realize you really don't feel anything anymore-- and the self-
condemnation from knowing it's your own fault for burying everything?
As a child, I never knew the love of a mother. Mine just made me feel like being hurt by somebody was my fault. As a young boy, I was taught that emotions will be punished with pain. As an adolescent I was taught that trust will only lead to betrayal and shame. As a teen, I was shown that
nobody cares and nothing changes no matter how hard you try. As a young man, I learned to fear anything good happening because life only lets you up so it can beat you down even further than it did before. As an adult, I realized nobody would miss me- least of all myself; yet I was too afraid- too weak- to finally admit I was not strong enough and end it all. I even failed at giving up- nothing I did ever turned out right.
And so went my life, such as it was, up until the day I died- the dust from the ledge still on my shoes. It's funny really. I got figuratively thrown under the bus so many times, I suppose it was only a matter of time before somebody literally threw me under a bus. I don't know who it was who pushed me, though the hand was large and it shoved me hard enough for me to cross an entire lane of traffic and the turning lane, so I assume it was a man- though I remember hearing a child's laughter when I was shoved.
I remember briefly thinking, "isn't this taking the whole phrase too far" just before the bus hit me. And then, "is this how deer feel when we smash into them out of nowhere at night?" Then I hit something else- probably the road- and everything went dark. I know I died with a smile on my face, and gratitude in my heart; I could finally rest....
Or so I thought. Should have known better, but I had to get my hopes up like an idiot.
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What onlookers saw was an average man- so average that most never even realized he was there- suddenly cannoning off the sidewalk and through the air, and flying across the road. The man was hit out of the air by a bus and catapulted into the grill of an oncoming semi-truck, which launched him back across the road. His body skipped across the top of a family car before splattering across the front of a white Isuzu truck. Oddly enough, traffic cameras did not show this truck, or the body hitting it.