-The Monologue of Alek Gusev-
When I opened my eyes I realized that I had lost something. Although I felt the loss, I actually stopped 'feeling' a second later. Everything had become insignificant enough to give it importance. It was strange for me to be alive.
I must have died that day. It's impossible for me to have survived that. And yet I am alive.
I looked out the window as the ideas came to me. I heard my voice inside my head again. Ever since I woke up, my mind has been empty. It seems that all this time I was simply acting under the instinct of a human being. As if I were an animal. But these antidepressants made me 'feel' something. It wasn't happiness, much less sadness. I just felt something, although I didn't know what it was.
I have also been thinking about something for about fifty seconds now. Very rarely have I left the house, but on all those occasions I have always realized something.
"We live in a dying world. Our planet is suffering because of our own hands."
It was a reciprocal thought to that of other people. We are to blame and yet we do nothing. Human beings are that way. Humanity with its imperfections not only hurts the world they live in, but they also hurt themselves. War, famine, death, violence; it all comes together in a race that is so advanced but also so stupid.
"If anyone could do anything, would they do it without hesitation?", I asked myself. It was an unanswerable question, certainly. I am simply talking to myself. There is no one else with me, and that does not evoke the slightest sensation in me.
"Ah...", I felt funny. 'It seems I've finally broken...', I'm aware of it. After everything I've had to endure it's normal to be broken. "But I'm broken in a different way."
I don't feel anything. There is no pain, sadness or suffering. My heart is empty. And even though I feel nothing...
"Why do I want to help my race?", was a feeling that was slowly emerging. It seemed as if someone had suddenly implanted that idea in my brain.
Still, if I had no purpose, what was left for me? My only line of thought would be to follow the path my brain traces inside my head. If I have nothing, I might as well try to achieve it. Even though I can't feel anything, I should go on with my life. Maybe someday I will get an answer to everything that is happening to me and feel satisfied with myself.
"Helper of Humanity", I wanted to see if I could laugh at the meaning of my own name, but it didn't work out. Besides, it was as if someone besides my parents had decided my name, as if someone else had decided how I would live from now on.
***
Time began to pass before my eyes. As my body grew, I continued to study relentlessly. My mother stopped looking for me like she used to. In that respect, she began to resemble my father. I should feel dejected by that fact, but I really think it's no big deal. I can live this way.
Year after year, I was devouring information without stopping. My mind had been nourished with knowledge. I felt ready to move forward, as I have now turned 18. It has been four years since the day I 'died', but I was reborn as a different person.
I prepared myself to take the first step into my adulthood. I have to take responsibility for myself. Although I can inherit all of my father's businesses, doing so would only be a hindrance to what I really want. Thanks to some requests I made to the maids, I managed to get a bank account with a large amount of money sponsored by my father's oil company. So I have enough capital to live on for a few years, so I must avoid wasting money.
When I was ready, on the bed in my room, I put my clothes in my suitcase and went out to see the world....
***
When I had explored enough, I found myself getting off a bus in Moscow. I had something in mind to be admitted to the capital's State University. As it is too demanding and prestigious a place, I could think of no quicker way than to burst into a class and show my skills to others.
Maybe it wasn't as logical a thought as it would seem, but doing this would save me time and effort. Being efficient is also a very important thing in science. Just as recklessness can become progress, efficiency would support the cornerstones of the future.
From the outside, the facility looked intimidating, but I wasn't worried. I moved forward without stopping, holding my travel bag.
Off the main topic, from time to time I get calls from Maria, who often asks me how I am doing. After Frederica, she has been the second closest person to me. I don't understand why she cares so much about me, but somehow I must appreciate that concern. When my parents didn't care about me, the maids in that mansion, who watched me grow up, were with me even though deep down I felt alone. Now that I feel nothing, I think I am becoming too unfriendly. As time goes by, I stop understanding the emotions of those around me.
I guess that won't be a problem in the end.
***
People looked at me in confusion as I searched for a suitable classroom. The guard at the door asked me a lot of questions, but when I told him I was here to look for an opportunity, he allowed me to pass. Although he never took his eyes off me until I disappeared from his field of vision.
The place stretched as far as my nearsighted eyes would allow me to see. I adjusted my glasses and opened a door.
Suddenly, the professor who was teaching his class stopped to look at me, as did all the students here. I said nothing and simply walked up to the front.
"What are you doing here, who are you, are you in my class?", the old man with little hair on his head asked.
I shook my head. Without asking any more questions, I took a liquid chalk from the podium and began to write on the large blackboard. The professor on many occasions told me to leave, but upon seeing what I started writing a certain unanswered equation (Riemann's hypothesis), his eyes widened as the numbers began to appear in consequence to the movement of my hands.
The students began to murmur without knowing what was going on, but I knew well what I was doing. My knowledge already surpasses that of an ordinary student. All I am looking for is an opportunity to fulfill what my mind is telling me.
When I finished, I dropped the chalk on the floor by accident. I picked it up, and when I looked up, the teacher was crying.
"Uh?", I'm confused. I'd better get going.
Just as I arrived, I left immediately. Then I heard the classroom erupt in screams.
"A strange experience", I adjusted my glasses and went to find a room in a hotel where I can stay overnight tonight.
As I lay down on the bed to think, I saw the bottle of antidepressants on the nightstand. I opened it and swallowed seven pills. What should be a lethal dose, to me was like a gentle jolt to my brain. Over the past four years, the drug was losing its effectiveness. I need this so I can hear my own voice. If I can't do that, I can't think and everything I've worked for will be in vain.
Better to keep increasing the dosage the more effective the drug loses its effectiveness.
"Uh, I think this is wrong", I realized something. Isn't this being a drug addict? Even though I use them to 'feel' and 'think', it would be similar to drug addicts who use drugs to feel good. "Maybe I'm overthinking it."
I closed my eyes once I lay down on the bed.
...
The next day, there was a lot of noise outside. I opened the window to see what was going on, but from the fourth floor I saw a lot of people outside. Reporters, professors and it looked like different university leaders.
Someone knocked on the door and I went to see who it was. The girl who was behind the counter when I asked for a room was there. She was very nervous telling me that all these people were looking for me.
The girl was cute. I'll be sure to ask for her phone number. Why? I really don't know. This could be an opportunity for me to learn how to socialize properly. Whenever I open my mouth I always end up offending someone.
***
Human beings are always predictable. They make the same actions, mistakes and virtues. They are like ants in a giant anthill. They are all so commonplace that I find it strange to be part of them. I'm monotonous too, I guess.
Seeing how I was admitted to this university really came as a surprise. Not only the college I went to wanted to recruit me, many others from all over the country in one night wanted to take me to their cities.
It was all in one night. Pretty fast. Human beings are fast.
When I was asked what careers I should choose, I simply said one word.
"All"
I am confident in my knowledge. If there is something I don't know, then it's time to learn. The university assigned me a place where I can stay with all the basic amenities included. This was part of my scholarship, I think. Otherwise, I don't understand how someone can give me all these things for free.
The rooming complex I was going to was supervised by a pretty girl, but her attitude was very masculine for a girl. She is older than me. She is still studying and is 22 years old. She never told me her name, so I didn't know what to call her.
The first night I stayed in that place I felt strange. I went out to walk the streets at night looking for an inspiration, but on the way I met four bad people. They asked me for money. Unfortunately I left everything I had in my room. As I had nothing, they beat me. Their blows were very strong, but my body could withstand them. In fact, they hardly hurt me more than a couple of bruises.
Someone saw me and called the police. When everything calmed down, the authorities took me back home and the manager of the place scolded me. There was a curfew and I didn't follow it. I apologized for that and went back to my room. Or so I would like to say, but instead I went up to the roof and looked out at the world, my world.
Seeing all that this planet had become, I could only whisper.
"What a horrible world we live in", then the attendant forced me down from there.
I guess I really like high places.
***
So, six months after entering the university, I was exonerated in all majors and graduated before everyone else.
The news said I was a genius among geniuses. I think that's exaggerated. I'm pretty normal. I'm not a god or anything like that. It doesn't seem right to me to be praised for something that any human with enough preparation could do. After I finished college at almost 19 years of age, I thought I would look for a place that would fund my experiments and, incidentally, I could get some Ph.D. for my research.
So, I was approached by a certain company. They told me that they were going to provide me with everything I needed. They made me sign a contract, in fact. Still, I'm not a fool, I'm not naïve. They just wanted to use me as their golden goose. I'm not going to allow that so I did something about it. After a long negotiation and some emotional manipulation, I managed to flip the whole contract in my favor. Only I will have the rights to my research. Only I will be the dream of everything I will build. And you will see, the whole human race will see. They will change thanks to my hands.
All will be different.
"This is the glorious evolution", after being stuck in the same garbage for the last century, it was time to keep progressing. We have to evolve and improve ourselves.
This is the beginning of something great for this world.
***
I received my first PhD when I was 20 years old. My early research was to make sure to increase regeneration in the human body. A wound that would take six months to heal will now heal in four to three months depending on the person. Although it was not enough to win a Nobel Prize, it was necessary enough for the development of humanity. Since all my research is my own, I can tell you how to use it. Thus, this regeneration-enhancing serum will be distributed free of charge, although its production will be financed by a part of the country's taxes.
With this, I put my country in the world's spotlight.
Let's keep moving forward.
***
I turned 21. As I concentrated on my new research, I swallowed ten more pills. I sighed as I felt my brain being stimulated.
"It's been a while already."
This morning I received a call from my mother. After I left home, neither my father nor my mother looked for me. Maybe they didn't notice that I left. But that's not important. Apparently my father took all the inheritances from my mother. She has nothing left at the moment and she called me to ask me for money.
I'm going to visit her in the hospital today. Something must have happened for her to call me from there.
I realized that the hospital she was in was very cheap. So, what I know about my mother was right. Without waiting any longer, I walked into the facility. I asked the nurse at the counter for my mother's name.
"Biserka Gusev"
The nurse was confused. Only 'Biserka Morozova' was registered at this place. She went back to using her maiden name. Something happened in the family while I was gone. I thanked the nurse for the information and went to find the room.
Once I passed through the door, into my field of vision came this woman. She was lying on the bed with pale skin. Just by looking at her appearance I knew she was like that because of the alcohol.
"My son...", she said.
There was something that came over me as I listened to her. In the past I would have been happy to see her, to have her call me her son, but this time it wasn't like that. I felt nothing. Not seeing her, not hearing her.
"Please help me"
This woman is never going to change.
"Mother, how did we come to this? I'm very busy right now. I don't want you to interrupt my work.
"Work? You brat, you talk like your father's trash..."
Yeah... she's never going to change. Watching this woman's expression turn darker made me remember bad times.
"It's all your fault. You did this to me. You're the monster here. You don't help your mother. You alienate your family."
"Don't blame me for your mistakes", I said curtly. I sighed wearily and pulled out the antidepressants. I swallowed ten more and it made my mother smile cruelly. If I hadn't lost my emotions, I would have been forced to take this stuff. She did this to me at the end of the day, but I never blamed her.
"How ridiculous. Do you take that crap too?"
"Yes, I do. I like the taste", ironic as this woman and I have some very noticeable kinships. But she's wrong and I'm right. I am right every time. My calculations don't fail. I ran many simulations of this moment in my mind and everything always came to the same thing.
My mother tried to grab my arm not to let me go as she noticed that I already wanted to leave.
"You're never going to accomplish anything. You're a failure."
"Who's on the hospital gurney and who's in the lab helping humanity?", I asked. I slowly took the pillow from him and took the object in my hands. In the past I would have thought my thoughts were wrong, that there was something wrong with me thinking about something so dark. "There's an experiment I haven't done yet-can a heart of stone break into pieces?" but this is not the past.
My mother wanted to scream, but I covered her face with the pillow. I pressed her hard against the bed as she shook wanting to save herself.
Now I realize that I am bigger, stronger. I'm not the child who was beaten by his mother. And, although anyone would feel something at this moment, I felt nothing. Only the coldness in my gaze and the cruelty in the expressionlessness of my face remained.
"Who will cry silently this time?", I asked, but she had stopped moving. "Huh... How strange", I thought I would feel something.
I didn't feel anything. Even if this woman, whom I tried to make smile in the past was dead with the pillow on her face, in my heart not the slightest hint of empathy arose.
"What a waste of time..."
I left the place without facing the consequences of murder.
My mother, the first person I loved most in the world, also became the first person I killed.
***
With that, the research for my biggest project began. I plan to create a partially infinite energy source that will provide the planet with clean sustenance as opposed to electricity. It may seem impossible, no, in fact, it is impossible and unless I can unravel the mysteries of our universe, I will never be able to create what I desire.
Yes. I guess I'll call it that.
"The Light of Humanity."
That will be the first step in the glorious evolution of humanity. The time has come to come out of our caverns and straighten our backs towards a new future. So, then, the time came when I began to discover new things that humanity thought impossible.
***
Although the years went by, I didn't really live the big thing. There was a woman involved with me. She seemed to have an interest in me, although I didn't really pay attention to her. She was a co-worker. She was older than me by seven years. In her was all the touch of maturity a woman needed to enrapture the hearts of younger men. I agreed to have a romantic relationship with her.
I wonder why it turned out that way.
Even though I didn't feel anything, I really wanted to laugh knowing she was the type to play with young men's hearts. Worst of all, when I found out she was cheating on me with someone else, the one who got angry was her.
"How curious is the human race", I'm talking as if I'm not human too.
What makes a person human? As much as I think about it, the very conclusion suggests to me the most logical thing. A human being is one who reasons, but also one who is guided by their emotions. Unlike animals, which really lack emotions, humans are even driven by these same emotions.
In that case, I ceased to be an ordinary human.
"Now thermodynamics", so as not to dwell on things from a few months ago, I decided to get on with my work. Time is pressing.
Studying is a fundamental part of a scientific researcher. A scientist never stops studying until the day he dies. That was the stereotype I am following.
I studied many topics to start my project. The first thing was to go over everything that makes up thermodynamics. You cannot create energy out of nothing, because you need another energy to give rise to that energy. That is an undoubted fact of nature. Matter is neither created nor destroyed, it is only transformed. A basic teaching of low-level schools.
"The capital is ready. Blueprints are in process and hypotheses fly like fireflies."
Putting on my lab coat, gloves and goggles, I began my experiment.
***
Cosmic sparks exploded one after another behind the glass chamber. The assistants watched in amazement as the star clicked its light again and again. The bad thing is that the light doesn't stay on, it goes out after a while. I tried to put together something like a scaled-down nuclear reactor, but it wasn't enough. To create an immense power generator, I need immense energy to keep the light stable.
The Light of Humanity cannot yet shine. I need a thought that will lead me to discover the truth. A revelation that tells me what to do.
I think and think. I swallowed half a bottle of antidepressants to stimulate my brain, but still I got nothing. I am stuck. I don't know how to find the solution to this.
Up to this point, I had turned 23. I already have four PhDs related to chemistry, biology, physics and quantum mechanics. I had to set up a particle accelerator for the advancement of my project, but it did not give any result. Everything at the end always had the same result.
Is there anything I can do to get this right? I feel that my failure rests on my shoulders. Even though I told myself that I would improve humanity, I am stuck on this. It was three long years of research for nothing.
"What a waste...", I felt cornered.
As I slept I thought about the constitution of our bodies. What makes us human are our complex emotions, yet where does it all come from? Yes, it all comes from the brain, which is like some sort of advanced processor with chemical reactions. But there is something else. You could call it 'life essence', something that lies even deeper in the human body. Our body is maintained with a life expectancy of 70 years. To move an engine without stopping for 70 years takes a lot of energy.
"Huh. I think I'm rambling too much", I said to myself.
This strange moment gave me an idea to complete my project. I hope it works and that the higher ups approve.
***
The blood spilling on my hands is proof that I've done it again. One more life was extinguished because of me. Even though I was the one who brought this on myself. The opportunity presented itself and I took it. My research has taken a big step forward because of this.
I have discovered that, during death, the human being expels the energy that gives meaning to his existence. Now I need to know how to extract this energy. If my hypotheses are correct, this should work.
***
How many people are there already? The number exceeds one hundred. They all died to complete my glorious evolution.
"Yes... I finally made it."
What I hold in my hand right now may look like a vial of blood, but it's more impressive than that. I named it as the element before all elements. It is an absolute zero in all existence, where life begins and ends. Well, ordinary people know this by another name.
In my hand I hold a 'soul'.
-???-
A bright light flashed in front of his eyes. A blue star, radiant and blinding. Everyone applauded at the achievement, but Alek Gusev thought only that it could only get better.
It was August 24, 2027. The Light of Humanity was born, and with it, a new era for mankind began. It would be an era stained with the blood of the guilty, forged by the broken hands of the messiah. At least that must have been his story.
The words that golden girl said that day came back to Sakura's mind after this. Alek Gusev is the protagonist, the hero of the story. His whole future was written as the rise of a broken man, but where there is one traitor, more will always appear.
January 12, 2030, in Moscow-Russia. It was an event that marked the whole world.
Alek had been cultivating the hatred of the people around him for years. For someone who once broke his destiny, it was normal that the people around him would also break their destiny. Therefore, one night that same day, the ultimate betrayal arose.
-By Sakura-
I have listened to his thoughts. I have known every aspect of his life. He is now a hero in this world. Everyone looks up to him as if he is a messiah on earth. He heals the sick, offers infinite energy at a low price, gives talks in countries all over the world telling what life is like for him trying to discover new ways to help humanity. The planet earth is getting better and better thanks to the care Alek has created. He was putting together a future utopia, a paradise that was getting closer and closer.
The name his mother gave him fit him perfectly.
"Glorious evolution", he said as he watched his experiments to improve humanity begin to bear fruit. It was only a short time before the final goal was reached.
It was meant to be, but what I saw was something completely different.
When the alarms sounded and Alek's watch warned him of the danger to his creation, he went to the artificial star's chamber immediately. When he checked everything, he realized that the star had been sabotaged.
'Ironic and strange', I thought as I watched Alek fall to his knees. His face showed no fear or sadness. It was an expression that had melted from his face from many years ago. Just like his emotions that were gone because of the golden girl.
"I didn't think it would end this way", the scientist said as he was devoured by the radiation of his creation.
It was always poetic to see the creator being defeated by his creation. Alek was not a god, he was just an emotionless man who created a star, but also an ultimate weapon that would later become something that would become part of him.
When the explosion expanded, at that moment something strange happened.
"Damn you! Traitor! Traitor! Damn traitor!", came the voice of the golden girl. She was screaming in despair and full of pain.
The scene then turned pitch black. Amidst all that darkness, Alek Gusev appeared floating in the void. Suddenly, two gigantic crimson hands wrapped him gently and something in my mind said something to me.
[My son]
A loving and somber voice.
As the crimson entity wrapped Alek in its hands, the surrounding reality began to shatter into pieces as the girl's screams were heard in agony. It was fragmenting with red cracks and black dust. The planet was consumed by Alek's creation, and the World disappeared, destroyed by that mysterious red entity.
When everything vanished into nothingness, there lay Alek's soul, floating in the void. He is asleep, in a deep sleep shown with an ocean of blood and the other souls of the World that managed to survive.
There I noticed something that became familiar to me. The ocean of blood where all the souls rose up to consume Alek. He then awoke following a light at the end of all the darkness, but the souls caught him and dragged him deep into the blood.
Alek's life ended there. That's what it felt like.
Everything after that was silent for a few seconds. Then a broken and unintelligible female voice was heard. Followed by that, a baby's cry began to echo incessantly.
The scene brightened again and....
A beautiful black-haired woman appeared tired, sitting on a funton and surrounded by the wooden and paper walls so classic of feudal Japan. She held a baby in her arms. The child also had black hair, but his eyes were silver.
"Impossible", that was not a possibility, but in my heart I felt it would be this way.
I was breathless. I fell to my knees and recognized that little boy.
A body carrying the soul of the scientist. The life of an unfortunate child had begun.
It was that day full of sunlight in Konohagakure. Asahi Toru was born and his second tragedy began....
To be continued...