Mattias POV
I sit in a silent car. I can't help but think about what I woke up to at Julian's. What I said. What I feel. It's just so confusing.
But I do know that I enjoy spending time with Julian. I enjoy his entire presence, even though I shouldn't. History could repeat itself, and I wouldn't want what happened two years ago to happen now.
I'm a junior, I've made friends, and I've had fun. I can't mess this up.
I get out of my car and walk towards the door, and unlock it with my key. And holy shit. It reeks of weed in here.
I close the door and rush up the stairs
I need to go to my room and forget about everything that happened with Julian.
I get up the stairs and stand in front of my door
And even though it's weird, I sniff it
The entire door smells like weed
"Oh my god," I whisper to myself
All I want to do is blast music and forget about Julian, even though he's all I want to think about
I open my bedroom door and walk in to see Myles and Mara smoking.
"Why are guys in here?" I ask. I can't help but be angry. Angry that I'm forcing myself not to feel for Julian, angry that I want to feel for Julian. All I do is confuse myself, and I really don't need them here right now.
"Mom and Dad turned our rooms into offices, so we just wanted to chill in here," Mara says slowly.
Yeah, yeah… I wonder how high they are
"Yeah, but why the hell are you smoking in here?!"
Damn it, I raised my voice.
"Sorry, Matt. I told Mara we should've asked first," Myles said, about to get up.
Shit, maybe I should-
"Wait!" I burst out, and Myles sits back down.
I close the door behind me. I hope I know what I'm doing.
"Can I smoke with you guys?"
"Hell ye,"
"No!" Myles yelled.
Really...? Myles? I thought Mara would be the one against me smoking.
"What about your voice? You're just now starting to talk... I don't want it to mess you up," Myles said
He's right… but this feeling of- of enlightenment that I get from Julian… Its not right. It's not normal.
"I'll be fine. I'm sure of it," Lying through my teeth, I pounce onto my bed.
Though technically it's not a lie cause I'm not sure if smoking will damage my voice, but I am sure that it's not exactly safe.
Ugh… what am I getting myself into?
"Ouu! I think I'll leave you two to it," Mara smiled at her phone, standing up slowly and wobbly.
"Justin, and Trent are heading over Lila's place," She explains. (Justin's her bf, Trent and Lila are their bestfriends, who are together)
Myles snickers, "Better get there quick! Take too long, Lila and Trent are gonna get Justin to do a threeway one-night!" Myles smiled slightly mischievously.
Mara looked at him confused then her face lit up.
"Shush up, smart ass," she says and chuckles leaving the room,
"Here," whispers Myles. He's laying down beside me, with his feet near my pillow which I don't like. But in his hand, he has a blunt.
Now that Mara's gone, he re-lights the blunt that I totally forgot about. Righttt, okayy, I'm about to smoke. No biggie, though….
I wish I was with J-
No!
Don't wish that, it's not right, not normal. Not right, not normal. Not right, not-
"Hey!" Myles shouted. Fuck! I need to get out of my head.
"S-Sorry," I say, grabbing the brown blunt from his hand. I immediately hit it without thinking.
Inhale, let out then bring back, then exhale
Two more times I did it before passing it back to Myles.
"Woah," he began, "Didn't think you'd be a pro,"
He's definitely right. If I didn't watch millions of television shows, I'd definitely be clueless as to how to smoke.
"So, how's your new school treating ya? New friends?" Myles asks.
"It hasn't been too bad actually. I've met a good group of friends, and they seem pretty cool. Especially, Rose. Me and her clicked instantly," I say as he passes it over to me
"That's good, right? That means she'll easily be your girlfriend," says Myles.
Mm!
I nearly choked after hearing that.
"Or, do you want a boyfriend?"
WHAT?!
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!
Does he know? How? What do I say? What is my face like right now? Do I leave? Stop I need to-
"N-nah," did I just deepen the tone of my voice?
"Rose has a boyfriend and I- I'm not a fag!"
But you are,
You are,
You are,
You won't ever change
"Hey," Myles spoke, he sounded a little content, "would you be upset if I were?"
Would I be… wait is my brother…
"Are you… gay?" I ask, hesitantly passing the blunt to him. I hate that word.
Gay.
Gaaay.
Gay
"Happy? Yeah, I'm always happy?" Myles chuckles.
"Seriously though, back in high school I found a lotta boys attractive, never considered messing with one tho as more than a friend because I didn't exactly understand myself, nor did I accept myself. But… I don't know, going to college, being able to just be myself without pressure from dudes I've known for years and just… I was able to just figure myself out and embrace it," Myles explained proudly.
"So, you are..?" I ask cause I'm not sure exactly what he's saying he is.
"Bi. What about you?" He countered my question with something I ask myself everyday.
I mean I know the answer but… acknowledging and accepting are two different things
"I- I uh…" Oh! I know what to say
"Complicated. It's complicated… but I have feelings for a friend. Who's house I was actually over when you texted me,"
"It's just… complicated," Yeah… 'complicated.'
I look to Myles and he's smiling.
"That's fine. I'm sure it won't be complicated, eventually."
"I'm turning in. 'Night Mattias." He says before leaving my room closing the door.
Ugh, I don't wanna think right now.
"Siri, play my liked songs on spotify," I say to my phone and it listens.
I lay back on my bed, and I close my eyes.
…
"MYLES FIORE!"
I shoot up at the sound of my name. It's my dad,
He looks angrier than ever.
"Y-yes,"
"Are you a druggie now? Why does it reeks of weed?" He asks.
His voice is slurring… I can tell he's been drinking.
"No, you took Myles and Mara's room. They were just smoking in here cause I wasn't home,"
"And where the hell were you? I know that party didn't stretch into today,"
Ugh, why does he even care?
"I was at the Gallaghers' house with Julian,"
He steps closer…
Please don't let this escalate.
"You two were alone?" He asks me, and I could feel the rage and hate that'd burst from my answer.
"Hello?! Answer me!" I jump back as he suddenly yells.
Why was he yelling? Is it so wrong for me and Julian to be alone together?
"Alberto," someone uttered from the doorway. It's mom.
"Your boss is on the phone," She says.
Dad looks at me with a content look of disgust before turning away and leaving the room.
Once he leaves, mom immediately steps up to me and cups my face. "Mattias, are you okay? What happened?"
"Nothing… I just wanna go to sleep," I lay back down.
She sighs and leaves, closing my door behind her.
Ugh… I don't wanna think right now where, but I can't sleep…
I know Julian would make me feel better