Father Gregor
The pamphlet lay in my hand, and I stared at it for endless moments as if it held the answers I so desperately sought. Why was I feeling like this? Where had I made the wrong turn? Was I truly so bad? Could anyone love me and forgive me?
The shock and the fear of what had transpired that night haunted me like beasts from hell, and deep within, I knew that I had been spared a really bad fate. As I said, I had gone to jail before, but never, ever, had it been on a murder charge. Tonight, I had toed that line really badly, and something, or someone, had pulled me back and saved me. I suspected who it might have been, but I did not wish to give voice to that thought. It would make it real, and I did not know how to respond to that call yet.
I turned the piece of paper and saw the name and phone number of Father Briar, a good old man who had been with us during the last day of the camp and who had had a deep impact on my life. I had fought really hard to get rid of the words that wise man had said to me, but it seemed I could no longer run. My life was already on a collision course, and I needed to stop it.
Pulling my cell phone from my pocket, I dialed the number I had meant to call so many times but had had no courage to dial. The call went through, and the phone rang and rang. I then looked up at my alarm clock and realized it was early dawn, so most likely, the good priest was sleeping and would not hear the call.
I was about to hang up and give up on this when I heard the voice of the man I was desperately seeking.
"Hello?"
I went silent for several seconds, wishing to speak, but I did not feel capable of uttering a single word.
"Hello? Who is this?" the good priest muttered again. I swallowed the bile in my throat and then decided to speak.
"Father Briar?" I whispered, almost as if I were afraid to disturb the night.
"Yes, who is this?" The priest asked more clearly, sleep now having left his voice.
"Father, I am not sure if you remember me, but I´m Gregor. We met several years ago in that retreat center. I was with the evangelical group of kids, and I stumbled upon your Catholic retreat."
There was a long silence on the other end of the line, and I began to feel dumb and frustrated.
"You know what? Never mind, I´m sorry to have bothered you, especially at this ungodly hour. Of course, you wouldn´t remember me. It´s been years. So sorry."
I was about to hang up when the priest finally spoke.
"Of course, I remember you. You were that rebellious kid who wanted all sorts of answers, but you were not happy with the ones I gave you. You wanted ones suited to you. How are you?"
I was rendered mute for a good bit as I wondered if this man was kidding with me or if he was serious.
"You do not believe that I remember you? But I do. You ended up in our retreat and had all sorts of questions for me. You also told me that you were tired of the faith your parents preached and that you did not believe in the God they sold to the world. You were really angry, but at the same time, curious about what we, Catholics, had to offer. Does that sound like someone who might have forgotten about you? I remember you very well."
I released a sigh. "Father, I need your help, please," I said.
Silence met my rapid sentence, but then the priest asked quietly, "Are you okay?"
"No, Father, I am dying in here, and I need your help. But I know it is really late, and I shouldn´t have bothered you."
"No, not at all, it is no bother. Would you like to come to my rectory and talk? Maybe I can truly be of assistance. If you want, be at my place in 30 minutes. Can you make it?"
"Yes, but… are you sure?"
"Absolutely. Please, come to my rectory, and we will talk."
"Thank you, Father."
I hung up the call, released my phone, and then stood from my bed. Like a man on a mission, I soon located my car keys and left my apartment with my phone in hand. I would be at that rectory, come what may, because I needed a respite from this torture.
Thirty minutes on the dot later, I was pulling outside of Father Briar´s rectory. He had sent me the address right after we had hung up, and I had no problem following directions. Maybe, just maybe, someone up there wished for this meeting to take place.
Without wasting further time, I mounted the porch stairs and soon knocked on the door. Not even a minute later, the good old man was opening his door – I realized he was now dressed - and he ushered me inside.
As I moved through the space, I noticed that the rectory was small but very nicely decorated and maintained. But that was the extent of what I noticed as the wise priest led me to a sitting area and pointed for me to take a seat.
"Would you like something warm to drink? Some coffee, maybe, or tea?"
I looked up at the priest - I was unsure of what my face communicated – and the man simply stared at me for a second and then said, "I see." He then turned away and moved to a small kitchen right next to the sitting room.
After what felt like centuries but turned out to be merely 10 minutes, the priest arrived back in the sitting room with a tray loaded with two cups of steaming coffee and some cookies. I quietly accepted my cup and immediately felt better at the sensation of warmth. It soothed me somehow.
"Now, my son, tell me what has brought you here. You have not contacted me for years. In fact, how did you find my number? I remember I offered it to you to keep in touch, but you refused to accept it."
I looked down at my coffee.
"I… I did something terrible tonight, Father, something that should have landed me in jail, but by some… miracle… or whatever it was, I did not… and in my shock, I found the pamphlet you once gave me, and that had your phone number. I did not know what else to do, but I felt compelled to call you."
"Compelled, you say? That is interesting. So, tell me, what happened? What has you like this? You always struck me as a very self-assured guy, so what I am seeing is terrifying, to be honest."
I swallowed the bit of coffee I had taken to give myself some room to prepare to answer. My hands were shaking a bit from the stress, but I forced myself to begin to talk.
"I went to a party tonight with some of my friends, and… I… I felt bored, Father. I have felt bored for a very long time now. You know, they say having everything is not good for you, and I now see what people mean. I´ve had the best of the best for years now. I can afford whatever I want, and this has led me to believe I can also do whatever I want, when I want, and to whomever I want. Tonight, I hit rock bottom." I stopped talking, waiting for the nice priest to damn me. But he did not.
"All right, keep going, my son. What happened tonight?"
"There is this girl in college who everyone admires and likes. She is really popular and loved, but she is a nice woman, well-behaved and good, and she has never been one to fall for the popular guys or anything. She really is the epitome of a good person. Well… tonight… I decided to make her my challenge; as I said, I was bored, and my friends baited me. I took the bait because that´s how screwed I am."
I went silent for a bit and listened as the priest drank his coffee patiently while he waited. However, I remained silent.
"So what happened with this nice girl?"
I released a sigh and continued my story.
"She was there at the party, and I introduced myself. She was very nice, and she knew about me, but unlike other people, she did not treat me like the local delinquent but rather as a normal guy. We spoke and enjoyed a nice evening. But I was hellbent on reaching my goal because I had to show my friends that I could."
"So what was your goal with that woman?"
I felt myself blushing at what I was about to admit to this man. How did you tell a priest that you had been completely focused on getting into a girl´s pants? I swallowed the bile in my mouth and continued.
"I told my friends I would be able to bed her by the end of the night. They laughed at me, of course, because everyone knows she is a virgin by choice. But I am the most popular guy in school, and I have never failed to get the woman I want, and my friends baiting me put that on the line. So I went all out with the charm and managed to secure her for the night."
"As I said, we talked and talked and drank some. Well, not her, she wasn´t much into alcohol, to be honest, so she drank Coke all night long. Anyway, we were having a really good time, but I began to feel pressured by the fact that I hadn´t fulfilled my part of the dare. So… I … offered her a new drink… and… well…I had in my possession a really strong drug that works as an aphrodisiac, and I slipped it into her drink without her noticing. What I did not count on was her suffering an allergic reaction after drinking her Coke. Later I learned she had also consumed some peanuts and that is what set off the reaction, but at the time, I was conviced it had been my drug."
I again went silent and dared to raise my eyes to the priest. To my shock, he wasn´t staring at me with hard eyes. No, he was patiently listening, not reacting at all to my terrible confession. I took that as a good sign and continued.
"The worst part is that instead of assisting her as I should have done, I allowed panic to rule me. One of her best friends soon realized what was happening and yelled at me, telling me that her friend was allergic, but I was too frightened by the scene developing before me. I moved away and ran like a possessed from that scene. I did not lend a hand, I simply ran like a coward."
I went silent after letting out that last part, feeling deep shame running through me. I kept my eyes lowered while I moved my hands, waiting for the priest´s condemning words to fall on me. I expected him to tell me that I was the worst human being in the world.
But the condemnation never came, and when I dared to look up at the man before me, what I saw almost brought me to my knees. Never in a hundred years did I expect to see a look of understanding and mercy. Having never experienced such a thing and never given it to others, it was probably as foreign as me being kind to someone. Yet here was this man, being all of those things, and I felt weird. But there was an unmistakable result, and it was that any and all defenses within me lowered at the sight of this priest. He had shown me what a true kind heart could do for someone like me.
"You´re not going to condemn me? Tell me that I was in the wrong and I am a bad person?"
"Do you wish me to do that? Is that what you expect me to do?" the priest asked gently, his eyes devoid of any judgment.
"Isn´t that what I deserve?"
"Hmmm," the priest said while he seemed thoughtful. "I think that you are as much a human being as any of us and that you reacted like most people would. Does that make it okay? No, it does not. What you did was wrong; there is no question about it. You should have never made that bet, should have respected that girl´s boundaries, should have never tried to give her that drug, and you should have tried to help. All of that was very bad. So, do not get me wrong, I am not that different from the others."
"However, I also understand that you are human, that we all make mistakes, and it is not my right or prerogative to judge you and condemn you. I wish I understood where you are coming from, but I do understand that we sometimes do stupid things for no reason - or no good reason at least – that we later regret. In your case, I am assuming the fear of seeing a woman almost die and the possibility of going to jail again was what brought you to your senses. What I believe is that God makes use of all instances – good and bad – to work a great good. In you, that fear is what made you realize you were going down the wrong path, and it led you to call me. We are here tonight, talking like friends, because of that fear."
I lowered my face and released a sigh. "God, but it almost killed me."
"That is true, it was painful, but without that healthy fear, you would have never reached this turning point. Or at least I hope it becomes a turning point for you."
I mulled over the priest's words and realized he was right. Things had led me to this moment, and I was now sure of one thing: I was never walking down this dangerous path again. I wanted to change. I needed to change. I could not continue putting my life on the line, risking the lives of others, and risking jail time for life. However, the question I had for myself was, could I do it? Could I change who I had become? What did I need to do to get my life back on track?
"Father?" I said softly as my thoughts raced inside my head. The priest looked up at me but did not say anything, evidently waiting for me to continue. "Can someone like me change? Can someone like me be a good person?"
"Gregor, the first thing you need to understand is that no one is born bad. All human beings, regardless of how they turn out, are created good. But what cannot be forgotten is that all human beings have the streak of evil that was left behind by sin. People laugh about this notion, thinking it is nonsense, but not even the worst critics can explain why people act badly and how good people can sometimes do a lot of bad things without referring to the notion of good and evil. And if you acknowledge the truth of good and evil, you are led down the path of what caused them in the first place."
"So… what you are implying here, Father, is that… I wasn´t created bad. That there is some good in me?"
"Did you feel bad for what you did? Did you feel, during your interaction with this girl, that you shouldn´t do what you were going to do?"
I thought about his questions for a second and realized that he was right. Even before the whole disaster, I had felt a nagging inside me. I had had the notion that what I was doing to that woman was wrong. The problem was that I had chosen to ignore that small voice.
"So… I am not a lost cause? I deserve forgiveness?"
"All human beings deserve forgiveness and being saved, and we all were once by the One you chose to ignore for years. He deemed you worthy of salvation and died on a Cross for you. Do you know of a bigger love? Because I don´t. Just look at the Cross, Gregor; look at He who hung on that Cross and see your worth in Him. He died because YOU were deemed worthy of that Love."
"So what do I do now? How do I begin to straighten my path? How do I change?"
"Begin by seeking this girl you wronged out and ask for her forgiveness. She is the first step. And even if she does not forgive you, seek to make amends. Then, remove yourself from the company that leads you to do wrong. Seek people who will lead you down the right path. Finally, see yourself for who you truly are, a good person, and start working on building yourself back up. Be the person you were meant to be, not the one all others wish to see, and definitely do not act like a rebellious kid who wishes to prove to the world he can be whatever he wants to be. Discover and act on your good side."
"What if that girl wishes to press charges against me? What if she decides I belong in jail?"
The priest looked at me for a moment with a serious expression and then said, "Then you will have to face the consequences of your actions. That is what grown-ups do."
"You mean I should let myself be taken to jail? I could go for life."
"Gregor, look at me," the priest said, placing a comforting hand on top of my crossed ones. I looked up. "Trust that God will only place before you that which you can face. He will never ask you to do more than you are able to."
I stood up, agitated by the notion of being back in jail. It scared me to death because I knew that if I was sent there this time, it would be for a very long time if not for life. I had a track record.
"I can´t do that, Father; I can´t run the risk of being sent back to jail. There must be another way to set myself to rights. And then, forgo my friends? The people who have been with me through thick and thin?"
I began pacing the small space while my mind ran ahead of me. The priest did not say anything while I paced and waited until I was facing him again and looking at him before he opened his mouth.
"Gregor, son, take a seat, please, and listen to me."
I did as he asked, but my agitation did not abate.
"I know that change, especially the type of change I am asking of you, is not easy, and it does not happen overnight. I am not expecting anything that fast. What I am saying is that if you truly want to change, if you want to become a man you can be proud of, then you must start taking steps now. They may be small, but every one of them will make a difference in your surroundings and in you. However, there is one point I must stress. You will never be able to become someone different if you do not let go of bad company. That one step must be taken now. If one or all of your friends decide they, too, wish to change alongside you and all of you forgo your bad habits and activities, then by all means, keep those friends. But if not, you will have to let them go."
I placed my arms over my legs and my head on my extended hands, thinking hard about the priest´s words. I knew it had to be done, but I was not sure if I could do it. How did you let go of almost a lifetime of being who you were? How did you become a completely different person? More to the point, did I have it in me to be a different person?
"The man you are now," said the priest gently, placing his hand against my back, "isn´t the real you. Of that, I am absolutely certain. The real you emerged once upon a time during a retreat. That´s why I am sacrificing my night to speak with you. Because I know that real man is in there and wants to come out. I am sorry things had to reach this critical point for you to start the search, but as they say, better late than never."
After spending the next ten minutes in silence and battling with my thoughts and emotions, I stood up from my seat, grabbed my coat, and prepared to leave.
"Thank you so much, Father," I said as I finished getting ready. "For giving me this time. I am sorry I bothered you so late. I appreciate you having spoken to me, and I will give your advice some thought."
I turned to head to the door when I felt the priest´s hand on my arm, halting me.
"It was no big deal, I am glad you called me. And Gregor, feel free to call on me, day or night. I will always have free time for you."
After saying goodbye, I left the priest´s small house and headed for my apartment. The whole trip there was spent with my head going back and forth over what the priest had said. If I wanted to become someone I could be proud of, I needed to change. I needed to become the real me. Who was the real me? What had the priest seen during that retreat that made him state without a shred of doubt that there was a real me besides the one I was today? And how did I bring him out?
I arrived at my place and went back to my room, where I sat on my bed to think. I knew there was no chance of my sleeping at all, so I would spend my time thinking things over. Because I had reached one undeniable conclusion at the very least; I did not want to continue the way I was. What had happened with Kelsey could not happen again. I had touched rock bottom.
Looking towards my phone on my nightstand, I reached for it and dialed.
"Hello?" came the sleepy voice from the other end of the line.
"James, sorry man for waking you, can we talk for a minute?" I said, hoping that my best friend would give me the time. I was trying to be brave, and I wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. The faster, the better.
"Gregor, are you okay?" James asked. He, like me, had been in our band of brothers for as long as we could remember, and he had been my sidekick as well. However, I had always sensed that James was not completely happy about our escapades and activities. He had never been brave enough to send me packing and had tagged along, but he had never become as involved as the others. I would start my changes with him.
"Yeah, I´m okay. This will not take too long, I promise. Listen, I have not been able to get over what happened with Kelsey. In fact, it is killing me. I have not been able to sleep at all thinking about it. Do you think you could come with me tomorrow to visit her at the hospital? I need to apologize."
"Are you crazy?" said James over the phone, now wide awake. "With any luck, she´ll send you packing. But without luck, you will be sent to jail."
"I know there is a big chance of that happening, of Kelsey sending me to jail, but I have to try, buddy. My soul, or whatever, won't leave me alone, and I need to appease this."
"Your soul? You actually have one of those?" James laughed, mocking me. However, he stopped when I did not laugh back.
"Jesus, are you serious?" James asked, now sounding shocked.
"This is no laughing matter, James."
"I am getting that from how mature you sound right now. The Gregor I have known would have laughed back or said something to mock the idea of a soul. But you are deadly serious now. What happened to you, man?"
"You mean besides drugging a woman and almost becoming involved in her death by chickening out and not aiding in getting her help?" I asked.
Silence met me from the other end.
"Yeah, I thought so," I said. "There is nothing laughable about almost committing the ultimate crime. I have been many things in my life, but a murderer is not one of them."
"I know," James said, now serious as well. "So, what do you want me to do? Just go with you to see Kelsey?"
"That, and gather the guys. Tell them we are to meet here at my place tomorrow. There is something I need to tell you all."
"You are going to split from the group, aren´t you?" James said, shocking me with his insight.
"How do you know what I am going to do?"
"Why else would this new Gregor call all of us and in his own home? I can almost hear it from here."
"I do not wish to leave you guys, but I cannot continue as I am. So I wish to tell all of you that this person you have known for so long needs to change, and this will start today. Tomorrow, aside from asking Kelsey to forgive me, I will tell you guys my plans. Whoever wishes to remain my friend will have to go down the same route."
"Okay, I hear you, buddy. And what will you do about your businesses? Can you truly change those?"
"I will sell the ones that are definitely a bad influence on me or that lead me down bad pathways, or close them, and I will keep the ones that can be changed."
"Wow, you definitely had a change of heart. All right, I will call the guys tomorrow and meet you to see Kelsey at ten in the morning, that okay?"
"Sure, that is fine. I need to try and catch some sleep."
"Good, then go to bed, my friend. You will need your beauty sleep. I will see you tomorrow."
The line went dead, and I removed my clothes and laid on my bed.
I took a deep breath and then released it slowly. Was I frightened and hesitant? Of course I was. I was actually shaking inside like a leaf. But did I need to do this? Yes, I did, because it was the only way I knew I would get rid of this heaviness inside my chest that wouldn´t go away. And even though I knew there were other methods to remove this bothersome sensation, I had the feeling they would not work in the long run, and I would only feel worse. I had seen enough people go down the route of alcohol and drugs to know they were not the answer.