How long can I keep this up?
Anna thought as she entered her apartment. She dropped her bag as soon as she got in, not intending to carry it a moment longer. The long, demanding hours of the day, combined with her daily rush-hour commute, have left her unwilling to expend more energy she doesn't have.
That throbbing pain in her back is getting worse; she would probably be sleeping on her side again if she wanted to get some sleep tonight. An appointment with the doctor should be on her to-do list. Clearly, she needs to get herself checked. However, there was just too much work.
She had been with her company for 15 years, and yet she remained in the same entry-level position. She doesn't usually mind it. She'd decided a long time ago to be grateful instead of feeling bitter with the life she had been dealt.
But today it's different. Every positive thing she has been telling herself is crumbling down. She guessed there would come a time when the lie she had told herself over and over again would just not cut it anymore, no amount of positivity or fake enthusiasm would save her from the realization that she is just not happy, that she wanted more for herself, and this is not working out anymore.
Trying to open her fridge, she grimaced as the rubber magnet of the door resisted opening. She felt the agonizing pain in her shoulder as well. Steadying herself, she used both of her hands to grip the handle and pulled harder. It finally opened.
The frosty air swept her face. Inside it, she wasn't surprised to see nothing. At least nothing she could readily eat, the potatoes in the vegetable drawer were already sprouting, and the tomatoes were starting to rot.
Bending over, she looked for the fruits. Knowing she bought some a few weeks ago, her searching eyes finally landed on some shriveled and decaying apples and mangoes.
She signed.
Grabbing some yogurt from the door pocket of the refrigerator, she closed it shut. Only when she straightened up and tried to peel off the cover of the small cup did she read the expiration date. It is already way past it.
Not again. These days, it feels like she is only buying groceries just to eventually throw them away.
Looking at the printed date, she was surprised when she saw a tear had landed on the tin foil packaging. She quickly touched her cheeks, realizing that she was crying silently. She quickly wiped her face.
What was it? Is it because she is hungry? It's true she hasn't eaten anything since breakfast, but it's not that.
No. It's not that.
She peeled off the cover and got a spoon from the drawer, rested her back on the kitchen counter, and ate her yogurt in silence. Soon, the tears started falling. The stress of the day is finally catching up with her, and she feels how tired she is as the sourness left a bittersweet taste in her mouth.
They have made her stay late again. Working on some projects way above her pay grade. She couldn't refuse because.. Well, where will she go? For an undergraduate like her, securing a permanent job in such a big company is already considered next to impossible.
She shouldn't be feeling this way, but she can't help feeling the worst. Throughout the years, everyone has gotten promoted except her. She has been in the same position as she was when she started working for the company. In fact, she is now working under the very same trainee who was just hired 2 years ago.
The funny thing about all of this is that no matter how bad she feels right now, she probably would get up in the morning and do it again anyway.
Her love-hate relationship with her job is nothing new. Over the years, she has accepted that she is stuck in a never-ending loop she couldn't escape.
She finished her cup of yogurt, then grabbed another one. Ripped out the opening, then started swallowing in big bites.
At the back of her mind, she knew the reason she was feeling more sensitive tonight.
She tried not to be affected by it, but today is Evan's baby's 1st birthday. Everyone was invited, including her. She did not go.
She has known for a while that her ex-fiancé Evan and the woman he married have been expecting. But knowing and seeing it are not quite the same thing. Today, her social media has been plagued by pictures of a tiny, cute baby girl.
Despite parting as friends, she couldn't help but remember the dreams they used to share. They had plans to buy a modest house, to get married, and have a child or two.
She remembered daydreaming about what their kids would look like. So excited to build that life with him, she started building her life around him. All of that was thrown out the window when he got transferred to a higher position in a different department. He ended up falling for his boss's daughter and broke up with her.
Whether that's because of his latent ambition to climb the corporate ladder or a genuine feeling for his bride, she did not know. All she remembered was feeling so helpless when he broke up with her that all she wanted to do was run. To forget everything and start over. But she couldn't. She swallowed her pride, pretended she was doing fine, and later congratulated him on his marriage.
She never knew that seeing the man she used to love fulfill his promises to her to someone else would hurt so badly. It is eating her piece by piece, as if a part of her soul dies each time she sees their happiness.
How long can I keep this up?
Fresh tears blurred her eyes, and she tried to hold them back this time. If she lets go, cries, and lets it out, she will be left with another pounding headache tomorrow. With the deadline coming up and the added work, she couldn't afford that luxury.
She tried to even out her breathing and calm herself down, fighting for her life, not to lose control.
She took another deep breath and felt her body slowly calming down. Clearing her mind, she continued to take deep breaths until, out of nowhere, she remembered how, in one of the posted videos, his baby giggled happily in his arms.
She lost it.
She started crying, sobbing. Torrents of tears keep falling on her face nonstop. Even in her misery, she tried to keep it quiet, but she couldn't. A lump on her throat started to form. She tried not to make a sound by stuffing more and more food in her mouth.
Why?
Why didn't you choose me?
This year, she is turning 38. Unmarried, unpromoted, and stuck. The silence of the night, combined with a sinking feeling that her life is going nowhere, makes her feel so sorry for herself.
Before she knew it, she finished 5 cups of yogurt. That was when she decided to go to bed.
She didn't bother changing clothes; she just kicked off her shoes, unfastened her pants, and removed her blouse. She covered herself with blankets, the cool sheets giving her some comfort.
She opened her phone and logged off her social media account. Deciding to catch up on her webtoons, she tried distracting herself with stories. Still, the beautiful baby boy's face remains etched in her mind. A few fallen drops of tears landed on her pillow.
Why does he get to have a baby and I don't? He said he doesn't even want kids!!!
Again, her tears won't stop. She now understands what this is. This is her being jealous. While she cries here alone in the dark, he is out there enjoying the warmth of his family. Discarding her had set him up for life. When he was with him, she told him she wanted kids, but he had always been against them, and now suddenly he has one.
She remembers trying to change his mind. Growing up in an orphanage, she dreamed of having at least 2 kids, but he won't bulge.
She did not know how long she had cried, but when she finished, she felt so tired. There was a feeling of heaviness; her chest started hurting, tightening; she was too weak and drained, so she just let it happen.
The last thing she remembers was that feeling of everything blacking out before her air got cut off. Finally, she loses her ability to hear or feel anything, and all that remains is the dark stillness of the night.