By all accounts, they should've passed through the village unnoticed.
They were muddy, slightly burnt (thanks to the teleportation mishap involving a volatile rune), and one of them had feathers in his hair that weren't his.
But the moment they stepped onto the cracked cobblestone path of Burrowheel, a trumpet sounded.
And then another.
And then a goat screamed.
And then—
"THE STRANGER OF STEAMED MIRACLES HAS RETURNED!" a very old woman yelled, launching a handful of sticky rice balls into the sky like fireworks.
1. Hiro, God of Warm Things
"What… what's happening?" Hiro asked, barely dodging a child who was trying to kiss his foot.
"You're the God of Warm Things now," Dee said with mild amusement, watching a crowd gather. "Congratulations."
"W-What?!"
Vampher read aloud from a crumpled village banner being hung upside-down: "Welcome Back, Steamer of Hope, He Who Boiled the Impossible!"
"Apparently you steamed a dumpling so perfect," Dee added, "that an entire winter melted."
"That never happened!"
"Exactly," Vampher said. "Which makes it divine."
2. The Feast Begins
Within the hour, the three immortals were seated on mismatched golden chairs while the village paraded platters of food stranger than Dee's hat collection.
There was:
Glowfruit Slime Custard, which giggled when scooped.
Tempura Moonfish, rumored to only exist on Thursdays.
Inverted Soup, which was solid on the outside and liquid in the center.
And of course, the local favorite: Humble Rice, a dish so modest it apologized when you ate it.
Hiro tried a bite and teared up.
"This is the best meal I've ever had."
"It's crying because you're crying," Vampher said, pointing to the rice bowl that now shimmered with shared emotion.
The villagers cheered louder.
"HE FORGIVES THE FOOD!"
"HE EATS FOR THE PEOPLE!"
"HE'S NOT LACTOSE INTOLERANT!"
Dee nodded approvingly. "That's the mark of a good harvest god."
3. The Ritual of the Falling Fern
At sunset, an enormous fern — yes, the plant — was carried into the square on a palanquin.
"We toss it into the air," the elder explained, "and whoever it lands on must tell a great lie and sneeze dramatically. Thus, the rains are summoned."
Vampher leaned toward Hiro. "You have to do it. You're their god now."
"But I don't have hay fever!"
"They're handing you a fake mustache."
"They're chanting your name."
"…fine."
4. And So Hiro Lied
The fern was launched.
It twirled midair like a green star.
It struck Hiro squarely in the face.
He stood.
The crowd hushed.
And he said:
"I… once baked bread using thunder."
Gasps.
Children fainted.
The mayor wept.
And then—
"ACHHUUUUUU!!"
The sneeze was glorious.
A ripple of wind burst from Hiro's mouth.
Somewhere, a weather spirit woke up and rolled its eyes.
And above, clouds gathered. Rains fell.
The villagers went wild.
"He has defeated dryness!"
5. The Aftermath
That night, Hiro was declared Chief Steam-Lord of Souplight, was given a ceremonial teacup with legs, and awarded ten sheep (which Vampher later hypnotized into dancing).
They left in the early morning, escorted by a marching band made entirely of kitchen utensils.
As the village disappeared behind them, Hiro groaned.
"They're going to build a temple, aren't they?"
"Yes," Dee said.
"To my sneeze?"
"They're calling it 'The Divine Honk.'"
Vampher patted his shoulder. "Could've been worse. Remember that town where I was worshipped as a walking toothache?"
"Oh right," Hiro muttered. "That was weird."
"Still better than the village that thought I was a hat merchant," Dee mused. "They kept giving me heads."