"How are you?"
"..."
"..."
"... Good..."
"Are you diligently attending your rehabilitation sessions?"
"Yes."
"Good. During our last session, you mentioned that you wanted to share something with me."
"..."
"... I think... No, I know I wanted to hurt myself by going there, and what's worse, I wanted to take my own life. But despite everything, I ended up wanting to defend myself."
"And why was that? Why go against your own will?"
"A promise... Because of a stupid promise I made to a selfish person."
"Are you talking about the person I'm thinking of?"
"Humor me..."
"..."
"You're right. That's the person I'm talking about..."
Amari.
-.-.-
"Yeah?"
"Say, what do you want to do later?"
"Explain."
"Well, what kind of job do you want to do later?"
"The job I'll do later? Hmm... Very good question. I've never really had a dream job. You know me, I get distracted pretty easily."
I nodded.
"But... I think I want to be an educator. It doesn't matter what field. As long as I can help people like us."
"What do you mean by people like us?"
She nudged me slightly and said, "You know very well what I'm talking about. We're people who are cast aside. The rejects of the class and, in a way, the rejects of society. Since our school strangely reflects both the good and the bad sides of society."
"Still with your philosophical stuff..." I said under my breath, but that didn't stop her from hearing me.
"Hey! You have no right to make fun of me like that. And you should know that I'm right."
"Yeah, right, yeah. Keep dreaming," I said with a smile.
"Why are you such a bitch?" she said jokingly, pushing me.
"Hey! Stop pushing me. And if you want to act like an adult, don't drag me into it."
"Ry!!!" she said indignantly, turning her back on me. She was sulking. And I smiled.
I put my arm around her shoulder, making sure she couldn't get away from me.
"Listen, I'm not saying you're wrong. I just think it's better to behave like people our age. Make mistakes, but don't have regrets. Instead of worrying about all the problems we'll have in our lives later on."
"You're not wrong..." And when she saw me smiling, she smiled back.
.-.-.
"... I regret so much saying those words to her..."
"Which ones, and why?"
"... Asking her to behave like people our age. I think she didn't want to feel rejected anymore... So she took a path she thought would 'extract' her from those who were part of the 'rejected' group."
"... This pursuit of 'normality' caused her to sink deeper and deeper into her own insecurities."
"What kind of path pushed her so low?"
"... You know, when you want to fit into some kind of norm, you create a personality that isn't your own. You make yourself lonely and superficial, and despite your efforts, you continue to be rejected."
"I think I was lucky not to feel the need to fit in. I didn't mind staying in my corner... with her by my side, everything was fine."
"I witnessed her self-destruction firsthand without realizing it, or maybe I did sense it, but I felt powerless. I think I tried to be there for her as much as possible when she needed me, just as she always did for me. But in the end, it wasn't enough, and I lost her."
-.-.-.-
"Ry!"
"Hm?"
"Can you promise me something?"
"Hm?"
"Promise me... no... let's promise each other that we'll never give up, that we'll never abandon hope, and that we'll keep fighting to see tomorrow. Let's promise each other that we'll hold on, Ry..."
"... Okay, I promise. I'll do everything I can to survive for tomorrow."
She smiled at me, "Great, let's make a pact; let me think about it for a moment..."
While she was thinking, I looked up at the sky. It was a clear sky. It was a good day.
"Okay! I've got it."
She quickly explained what it was about, and I said, "That sucks..."
"Come on!!! Please!!!!"
"Alright..."
"Yes!!!" I looked at her and smiled. I felt lighthearted when I saw her like that, so happy.
What a cruel joke.
"Okay, I'll start…"
"When I say I am here for you, it means…"
"I love you." I softly said, "When you say you are here for me, it means-"
"I love you." She responded, then continued "With our heart, blood, and soul..."
"...And all of me..." I said.
"This is our promise." We both finished at the same time.
"Thank you, Ry!" She squealed, "It's now you and me against the world." Then she wrapped her arm around my shoulder.
.-.-.
"Despite everything that had happened after she left, I always did my best to keep up with this promise. It did help me many times, in my darkest moments... but sometimes the weight of this promise is so frustrating. So, I shared it. It's a promise that helped me, and I wanted to perpetuate her memory in some way so as not to fail like she did."
"What happened?"
"As usual, it was about guys at that time. She confessed her feelings, and she was rejected.
The next day, everyone knew about it. She couldn't handle all that pressure. And I don't blame her for that."
"Why are you so angry toward her?"
"She didn't keep her promise... and selfishly, instead of thinking about her own well-being, she thought of me first by binding me with this promise, knowing that I would try to keep it no matter what."
"How do you know all this?"
"She kept a journal, this story about the promise, she thought about it long before she told me. She apologized for being such a bad friend by not keeping her promise, but she needed rest, and she also apologized for leaving me to keep that promise now all by myself, to bear all the weight."
"She was a very intelligent person, misunderstood most of the time by others, but instead of that intelligence being a strength for her, it became her poison, and a burden she couldn't handle in the end."
"Did you forgive yourself? You know it wasn't your fault, and it still isn't."
"I don't know, but it doesn't change anything about my intrusive thoughts."
"Well, it's time for us to part ways. See you at our next session."
-.-.-.-
After she left, I really learned what was going on around me without my knowledge. People thought we were a couple. I don't even know how that rumor started, but the number of bad things said about us was incalculable.
It was in an effort to protect me, to protect us, that she decided to confess to that person and was rejected. Of course, she had a crush on him, but it was just a crush. She knew it would pass, but her desire to play the heroine ended up destroying us.
I was so stupid to tell her that we had to act like kids our age because I know that's what pushed her to want to reveal herself to others.
But while she thought she was protecting me, others didn't see it that way. I didn't want to talk about it. I blamed myself for her loss. It was all my fault, so I suffered in silence, but I suffered nonetheless.
What saved me, in a way, from all this, was that one day when my uncle Alex wanted to take my sister and me in for a year and homeschool us.
My mother knew we would be safe with him, and she really needed help at the time. We were asked for our opinion, and my sister agreed for both of us. I didn't say anything.
He tended to visit us during the summer holidays. But during my stay there with my sister, he was unable to visit my family as his organization was at a crucial stage.
However, when I returned after staying with him, he promised to try to visit my family for the summer holidays.
I already had an idea of where my uncle was going to take us. Thanks to my uncle, I was finally able to open up to the world. He taught me to appreciate life, without him knowing it, just as Amari wanted me to appreciate it.
He shaped my character, and I became a different person in a way. My mom told me I seemed fulfilled. He couldn't always be there with us when he had urgent things to take care of, but he was present in our lives in the best possible way. He showed us the efforts he was making, and the time we spent with him was wonderful.
When it was time to go back, I didn't accept it. I didn't feel ready yet.
My sister wanted to stay for me, but I refused. I told her not to worry and that her friends, especially our mother, missed her terribly. And that I would come back in one piece.
So I stayed with my uncle for two years before coming back to start my freshman year of high school. My family was happy to see me again. We had only seen each other on video calls during those two years, except for my sister, who had only seen me once in a year.
I didn't expect my life to be turned upside down so much after that, whether for better or for worse. I just know that I now find myself closed off in a shell that I hadn't worn in ages.
And every time I try to open up to the world, I end up with more scars, whether mental, physical, or both.
'I would never forget that feeling, like you've suddenly had the air ripped out of your lungs and your heartbeat intensifies, feeling like your heart is heavy. Never.'
But I wanted to keep my promise to Amari and honor the vision of life that my uncle gave me. It's hard sometimes, but I try to hold on.
I have people who are there to help me when things aren't going well, but...
I just hope I can survive.
***
"TIGER-REX! You can do it, you little munchkin." My uncle shouted for me to jump.
"Stop calling me that," I whispered, I was afraid, and I already knew that he would not stop giving me this weird nickname. It started with Tiger, then T-Rex, and then I don't know how, he decided to combine the two.
I stopped thinking.
And I threw myself into the void...