Conciousness came to me, as if out of quicksand and marsh, and the first thing I felt was a thick, pulsating rod shoved down my throat, resting uncomfortably at an angle, digging intot he soft flesh of my esophagus, gagging me in perpetuity.
I tried opening my eyes to no avail as my eyelids gave little to no ground in return.
As I became increasingly aware of the gagging, my body shook to alert and my eyes shot open.
Slime and glass. A vat. I was in a vat.
I flailed wildly, grabbing everywhere, until my hands found traction upon the rod, and my sense of direction settled into seeming normalcy.
Grabbing the rod, I pulled it out of my mouth as a viscous slime ejected into me, nearly choking me.
Out of the fire, into the frying pan!
Fuck!
My lungs twitched madly, and a coughing fit seized me.
Only there was no coughing as more and more slime drilled down my gullet until my body burned with pain.
Is this how I die?
A memory flashed across my mind for the briefest of moments.
Of a life lived unfulfilled, in constant fear.
A life wasted, a death by choking on chicken nuggets.
A last smidge of humour overcame me as I snorted.
The newspapers were going to have a field day with this.
Man dies choking on cock!
Hah!
The light was now fading from the edges of my vision, as the pain dulled little by little.
Then it hit me.
The slime. THE SLIME!
Why was I in slime?
I live alone. No way someone found me choking to death.
This was no hospital.
No. This.....this was a new life.
A second chance!
And even if not, I refuse to die!
Not after a second chance at it!
Adrenaline coursed through my veins, and my body jerked into action.
I will not die!
I.WILL.NOT.DIE!
I punched the glass, as a force burst forth from the depths of my stomach, shattering the vat into a million pieces, blowing it away.
Slime drained out onto the floor dragging me along for the ride, as finally, I retched, expelling the slime from within me.
Laying upon the cold stone floor, I took a deep breath.
Air. Oh, sweet, fresh air!
I moved my aching limbs and turned to kiss the floor.
"Umwah!
I live again, bitches!
Fuck yeah, baby!
Woooo!
This time, I will do better. This time, I will live a life without regrets!
Thank you, God, Allah, Jesus, Vishnu! Whoever gave me this chance!
I won't waste it!"
My cheers reverberated across the walls of the facility, echoing back to me, bringing with them a further awareness to my situation.
I looked around to see the skeletal remains of a lab. A very odd blend of medieval and high tech aesthetics.
There were signs of a struggle, shattered test tubes, shakers and beakers of colorful liquids spilled onto the floor.
And blood. A trail of blood leading my eyes to a wall behind me.
On the wall was a man, or his body at least, pale of complexion and speared through the chest, nailed to the wall with a sword.
Beside him was a statue of a snake, carved out of an odd brown stone, it's eyes holding lit candles.
I turned around and took in the small collection of vats and stores, containing various petrified and embalmed samples, a heart here, a liver there.
Even some half complete bodies, stopped mid course in their growth.
But the more important question bore on my mind.
Where in the fuck am I?
And to that end, another question gave away a clue.
How do you nail some to the wall with a sword? Without breaking the sword too, at that!
With superpowers of course.
And as if at once, it all clicked into place.
The snake statue.
The purple obi on the crucified bastard, and his awkward yami kawai aesthetic.
The line of cloning vats beside me.
A cruel realization dawned on me, draining all the newfound joy for life I had reveled in mere moments prior.
I knew this place. I had seen it before.
And I knew the man nailed to the wall.
From an anime.
This was the lair of Orochimaru.
In the world of Naruto.
Fuck!
Now I have to plan my life around monochrome plants, mad scientists, unstable immortals, emo fuckbois, genocidal aliens and worst of all an overly enthusiastic ultra nationalist annoying orange. Where is my system? Where are my cheat superpowers?! My ROB with the three wishes?!
"Status!" I called out.
Nothing.
"System!"
Nada.
"Gogo gadget superpowers?!"
I took a pose and shouted.
The silence was deafening.
Yup. I am officially fucked.
No cheats. No superpowers. Probably no parents either, given that I'm in the snake bastard's lab.
And given that dead Orochimaru christing it up on the wall, likely in an AU, meaning that my foreknowledge of the Naruto might not even work!
I sighed, burying my face in my palms as a curse left my lips.
"Fuck you God! Never believed in you anyways! Go sick a big, fat, smelly dick you bastard!"
I kicked a nearby desk in anger, only to recoil in pain.
"Ow ow ow! Fuck! Fuck! FUUUUUU....."