I wake up and it feels like something is missing. Like someone came in the night and chiseled a chunk of me away and took off with it.
I wake up and I try to ignore it. There are arms around me but they don't make me feel complete.
It's Ben. He talked about getting back together, about how he was sorry, he wasn't thinking straight, he couldn't stop thinking about me.
I told him where I was and he came. Seeing him felt like a stab in the heart, and when he kissed me, I felt empty. Am I a husk?
The feeling of being held by him is something familiar, I suppose. For a while, after we broke up, I truly missed this. To the point of sobbing, I missed being held by him. But now?
Now, it's not him that I want. It's not his arms that I want to feel.
I loved Ben. I was in love with him. He was the first person I'd ever kissed, ever loved, ever come out to. Maybe I could learn to love him again.
All the parts of him that I'd loved are still here. He's still the same man I cried over that night and all the nights after. I could try to love him like I did before, would it be hard?
I don't know. I open my eyes and push myself up, kissing his chin. He's handsome in a boyish way, with big eyes and a soft face and thin lips. His hair is silky and soft, the color of nutmeg.
He opens his eyes and they burn, sweet, like the sun through honey. I used to imagine mornings like this, his eyes staring back at me. I fantasized about the life we might have together, if I ever got the courage to come out.
The state of that issue is unknown. It was a dealbreaker before, but he hasn't mentioned it, yet. I wonder if there's something he isn't saying.
I roll over to the sound of my phone buzzing, but he grabs me.
"Arthur," he says. I look back. He looks like a kicked dog.
"What?" I look at my phone. It's my mom.
"I'm sorry, I..." He looks down. There's dread in his face. Fear the likes of which I haven't seen since he came out to his parents. "I'm so sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry."
"What happened? What did you do? Why is she calling me right now?"
He shakes his head. "I'm so sorry."
"Tell me what you did!"
"I didn't... I don't- Arthur, please, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking."
I can't breathe. Please, God, tell me it's not what I think. Please.
I answer the call and there's quiet on the other end.
Then, my mother's voice. "Hey, Arthur. I wasn't expecting you to pick up."
"Yeah. What's up?" I think this is it.
"Well, we keep hearing these rumors around town, and we just wanted to ask you about them."
"Yeah?"
"People are saying that the reason you left town is because you were secretly in a relationship with Ben, but you broke up, and to avoid any questions about why you weren't hanging out with him anymore, you left."
"Who's saying that...?"
"Everyone."
"Who said it first?"
"I don't know. But, Arthur... is it true?"
"Is what true?"
"Are you gay?"
I'm gonna pass out. I'm gonna choke. Ben is curled up on the other side of the bed, being quiet but I can tell, he's to blame for this. He started that rumor.
What do I say? What can I say? Can I lie? Should I tell the truth?
I don't know. I stay quiet.
"Arthur?"
"What? Sorry, I got distracted. I didn't hear what you said."
"Arthur, are you gay? Were you dating Ben? Did you leave because you broke up? Are you gay?"
"No, I'm not gay."
"It's okay if you are. I'd still love you. You're my child. I'll always be here."
"I..."
"Are you gay?"
"This isn't how I would've wanted you to find out, Mom."
She laughs a little. "Yeah. I would've preferred hearing it from you, first, rather than Nancy after church. But, y'know. Things happen."
My relief is immeasurable, but it's more like a wild animal in a cage, being slipped scraps through the bars. Sure, they're feeding me now, but what happens after this?
"Mom?"
"Yeah, honey?"
"Can I come back and live with you again? Things fell through, here, and I don't have anywhere else."
"Sure. We boxed up all your old things, but you can go right back to your room if you like."
"Okay. There's something I've gotta do, real quick. See you tomorrow?"
"See you tomorrow, honey. I love you."
"I love you too, Mom."
I hang up the phone and turn to Ben.
"Get the fuck out."
"What, why? Everything went well! She loves you!"
"How fucking dare you? After everything with your family, you fucking outed me?"
"I didn't-"
"You knew who was calling and why before I even looked at my fucking phone, Ben. You can't bullshit me. Get out. I never want to see you again."
"Arthur, I just wanted us to work out, and that was the only problem, and now it's fixed and we can be together."
"Do you need me to remind you what you did? You left me. You left me. You're a selfish asshole with no consideration for anyone but yourself. Get out!"
My blood boils hotter and hotter. I get up, and he does, too, on the other side of the bed.
"I did it for us!"
"You did it for you! It's only ever about you!"
I grip my phone tight in one hand. I want to throw it at him, but it might break and I don't really want to hurt him physically.
"Please, calm down, we can talk about this."
"I don't want to hear you say another fucking word, Ben! We're done!"
"Why? Why would throw away what we could've had? Are you crazy?"
"You threw it away, Ben! You did! You left me, you hurt me, you threw it all away! I never did I damn fucking thing to hurt what we had!"
"You were always thinking of yourself. You were a coward. I did what had to be done when you couldn't even think about trying. And, see? It all turned out."
"What if it hadn't? What if someone wanted to fucking kill me, you moron?"
"We're miles away from home."
"You got here in three hours, asshole!"
"Arthur, you're acting crazy, you're not-"
"I'm not fucking crazy!! Stop saying I'm crazy! You fucking outed me to the whole town!"
"Just calm-"
I chuck my cellphone, overhand, at his head, and he ducks. It shatters against the wall and he looks back at me, eyes wide.
"We're done!" He shouts. "You're insane! What is wrong with you?!"
"Get out before I throw something bigger!" I scream, picking up the alarm clock off the table and ripping the plug from the wall.
He scrambles past the bed and avoids me, shoving open the door and slamming it shut behind him.
I set the alarm clock down.
At least I still have my parents. Even if everyone else is gone.