The twilight air is thin and I have to breathe sharp and fast, but my throat is closing and the sunset is making the world feel smaller than it is.
I watch him, watch his lips try to keep the words in. I watch him try not to hurt me. I already hear the words, brushing the tip of his tongue, even as he tries to lock them away, swallow them down, breathe them out into the wind.
They fall out anyway, and while I thought the onset would be soft, slow like sinking into water with lungs full of air, it isn't. It hits like a sledgehammer in my ribcage, and I feel the impact in my throat.
"I'm breaking up with you," he tells me. He stares at the ground, and I study the guilt in his face.
"Why?" I choke. I can see you love me. If you don't want to do this, why are you doing it?
"I'm out, now," He starts. "I'm proud of who I am. I want to start living my life how I should've been living it all along."
So that's what this is about. With the descending darkness and the tears in my eyes, I can't make out his face very well, but his voice makes it obvious that he's trying not to cry, too.
"I can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm breaking the law when I want to see you." He throws up his hands, turning away and stumbling a few steps. "I can't keep sneaking around for you, Arthur. I don't want to hide anymore."
I swallow. What do I say? How do I make you stay? Please, stay.
He looks back at me, then back down. He starts walking away.
"Ben! I'll tell them!" I yell after him. "I'll tell them, I'll come out. Please, don't go. Ben."
He sighs. I see the shine on his eyes as he lets his tears fall.
"I wouldn't ask you to do that." He shrugs. "And I don't think you would. You're not ready. And it's okay that you're not ready. But I am."
And then he's gone. And I can't keep myself standing anymore. The one thing that would've made him stay is the one thing I don't have the strength to do.
I sob, feel the tears streaming down my cheeks and dripping off of my chin. I bury my face into my jacket to muffle the sound, but in the quiet he left behind, even my breathing sounds so loud.
I need to get home. It's getting late. I don't want to get caught and have to explain this.
Anxiety drags me to my feet by the throat, and I start walking home. It's not far, just a minute or two. Long enough that I can clean myself up and think of lies to answer any questions. A cover story.
I unlock the door and open it, letting it swing closed, then turn the bolt and lock it again behind me.
Silence.
I glance at the clock on the microwave.
They're both in bed. I breathe out in relief and start getting ready for bed. Kicking off my shoes, hanging up my coat, and heading downstairs to my bedroom.
How am I gonna explain that Benny and I aren't "friends" anymore? We've been hanging out nearly every day for years, now.
I have to move. If I don't live here anymore, there's no way he and I can be friends. Whoops, sorry Benny, it's been really fun, but I got a new job in a different city.
I guess that's my only option. I fall into bed, taking my phone out of my pocket and opening it. My home screen is a picture of me and Benny. I change it to a default option. I would delete the pictures of him, but I don't think I want to. I'm not angry. My heart's just been broken.
And I'm such a coward. But there's nothing I can do about it. I can't just... tell them. I can't. What if they don't want me anymore? We've never even talked about how they feel about gay people. God, what if they disown me? What if they want me dead? What if they tell everyone in town?
I can't tell them. And I can't explain me and Benny unless I move out, somewhere far away. So I guess that's what I have to do.
I open Facebook. It's not too late, and people know that I don't get drunk, so they'll take this seriously.
"Got a new job in the big city! B) Anyone know a place I can stay?" I type, and press post.
A few minutes later, Benny comments.
"Congrats."