It's been a week since I had my panic attack and Cass is still putting together the brain scanner. We've both been doing research into everything we can find on memory suppression and possible brainwashing and triggers of those brainwashed. I haven't been able to say much to John, when he gets to close now I've started to shake and tremble involuntarily. I see the hurt in his eyes and he's moved into the room with Cass to give me space. All I can do is find a way to get the truth.
Me and Temple have been interrogating Graves more and more, trying to get the man to give us more information. He's so tight lipped about someone who he is terrified of that it's coming down to doing something I never wanted to do again.
Temple says to give him some time, he'll skin one of the dead men he's just drained of blood in front of him first. If he still refuses well.... at least he'll understand what will be coming his way.
Temple gets started and I continue on my research. All of our research continues to give us a mixed bag of results. Some people who are brainwashed are driven insane, while others merely have the fight or flight response. The majority are just plagued for life with anxiety and PTSD. Our problem is the fight or flight response, what could they program into someone.
Cass suggested John come and sit in the room with us and we have simple conversations about food and other non-personal things together and see if I can't help control myself. Cass has been telling me John has been remembering more things, mainly things before we got married, but it is progress. Over the next few days I'm able to talk to John from across the table even with Cass not present.
John still looks like a man who's broken though the few times he's reached out to touch my hand under Cass's eyes, I've flinched and pulled back from his touch.
"John I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you like this." I can barely take the pain that shows up in his eyes after his last attempt. "I'm sorry." My heart hurts more seeing all he wants to do is comfort me and can't.
"Mary, don't worry about me. If it takes years before I can hold you again, then I'll deal with the hurt." John musters up a smile for me, "You are worth the wait."
There is that John I fell in love with. I reach out and put my hand out this time and our fingers touch. My hand shakes a little bit but John's hand interlocks with mine and helps steady it.
"PROGRESS!" Cass shouts happily.
The door swings open and Temple looks at me, "Graves is ready to talk but only to Sin and John. His words directly."
We all look at each other and my hand starts to shake again. John grips it gently and lets go.
....
"So let me get this straight Graves. This person you are terrified of is who brought me back to life. You won't tell us who it was, nor how he did it?"
Graves is trembling, "I wasn't there, so I don't know how you were brought back. All I know is I wasn't allowed to touch you in any way. Otherwise I would be killed for touching someone with Fae blood in them! Just like Sin."
He looks at Mary and cries, "Ortiz was going to get his soon but when you got him first they were satisfied with it."
"So why bring John back then? IS he a weapon along with bait?!" Mary got close to him with skinning knife and Graves pissed himself he was so terrified.
"PLEASE DON'T! I WAS ONLY TOLD HE WAS BAIT FOR YOU TO LURE THE QUEEN. THAT'D YOU COULD KEEP HIM AS A REWARD FOR A JOB WELL DONE!"
"Then why go through all the hoops and not just directly send me a message saying that?" Mary puts the knife against his skin.
"BECAUSE YOU'D NEVER AGREE TO IT!" She takes the knife away from his skin and sets it down.
"Then why all the drugs in the prescriptions? The labs?" She turns back around and tosses a syringe at him that sticks in his leg.
"AAAHHHH! MONEY WHY ELSE!?" He screams wanting to pull the syringe out and can't.
I walk over and read the package, it just contains a saline solution in it. I inspect closer and realize the needle is the length of my pinky. The more he moves the more it seems to be breaking off in his skin.
I can't help my self and I pick up the skinning knife, "You wanted to destroy millions of people, Billions of people dependent on medications for their health to survive and turn them into addicts just for money. I thought they didn't need street drugs to do that, most of those are already pretty addictive."
I don't give a shit and I make a slice into his skin. "Pretty damn greedy of you Graves."
I drop the knife on the table disgusted with him. He's crying and whimpering.
"So there's really nothing wrong with him?" Mary goes up to Graves and asks sounding quite hopeful. She whispers something in his ear and Graves cries even harder.
"There's nothing wrong! I told you he was going to be your reward! Please set me free!"
Mary motions for us to leave and we start to head out.
"Hey wait... You said you set me free if I told you the truth!" Graves struggles in the restraints.
"I did say that, but I didn't say when, now did I you piece of shit." Mary replies walking up the stairs and tells Temple to drain him slowly like before. "Might as well milk him for what he's worth."
...
I'm packing my clothes and taking them upstairs to Mary's room. She's allowed me to move back in to my single bed in there. I walk in with my hands full of clothes and hear the shower on.
My god she's taking a shower. I don't disturb her and put my clothes away and lay back on the bed waiting for her to finish so we can talk. I hear a whimper come from the shower and sit up quickly.
That's not the whimper of release but of tears.
"Mary?" I stand and stay by the entry, "Was it too soon then for me to come back up here?" I ask dejected hitting my head softly on the supporting beam. She turns off the water and steps out grabbing her towel and wrapping her self up tightly in it.
"No.. I don't know. Not all of your memories are back and I just don't know." She starts to come out but I'm in the way.
"Mary, I will never harm you. Graves confirmed it. Why are you so afraid of me still?" I beg her to let me know. I get down on my knees, "Mary please don't push me away any more. We have a second chance with each other. I promise I will do everything in my power to keep you safe and happy, just let me be a part of your life everyday again. Let me hold you, make love to you again, just to kiss you again."
She pulls back the gauzy curtain and looks at me in the eyes. I can't read her face right now.
"You were starting to let me in when I couldn't remember anything but your giggle. Now that I realize I can't handle living without you, you push me away. Why?"
"John, I don't know why, maybe because there was still this major cloud of doubt you were the real John?"
"That I was hoping to catch you up in a lie and find you were an imposter." She pushed past me and got dressed quickly facing away from me.
"So I could kill this painful piece of hope that still has been in my heart clinging desperately to life for you."
She finishes and turns around looking enraged and spits out.
"My heart was in utter agony for 8 years at the mere thought or reminder of you because my soul was ripped from me when you died!
She clutches her chest and I get up to go to her and she continues.
"YOU PROMISED ME YOU'D NEVER LEAVE ME WHILE THERE WAS STILL BREATH IN YOUR BODY AND YOU WERE GIVING ME DIVORCE PAPERS BEFORE YOU DIED! YOU DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME ABOUT THE BRAIN TUMOR!
"I FOUND OUT FROM MOLL AND CASS AFTER YOU DIED! "
She's in hysterics and can't keep her self up and starts to fall and I instinctively catch her up in my arms.
Cass comes barging in, "SIN!"
"John what did you do?!" He starts to come at me and I tell him get out.
"Cass let me try this once, if I can't do it then call Alex, BUT LET ME TRY DAMN IT!"
Cass does a double take between me and Mary. "I'll be right outside the door."
...
It's hours later and I finally coaxed Mary to calm down and in the end what seemed to work was me telling her that if I'm here now, then there was no way I was going to ever leave her again. The past is the past now.
"I only care about our future together you and me."
She finally gasped out, "John, I'm so tired." Before finally falling asleep in my arms. I set her down and covered her up and found Cass still outside the door, but snoozing.
"Cass go finish your brain scanner, she's sleeping. We need to get some answers to questions that are still haunting her."
"Also, why the hell would I keep the tumor from her? Why would I divorce her because I had a tumor?" I ask him seriously.
"John, you were not going to divorce her because of the tumor, you didn't want her knowing about it so she wouldn't mourn you while you were still there with her." Cass says quietly. "You made me promise to take care of her when you were gone too that she would need me. You told me to crack jokes and make her smile when she looked sad. I did my best John but I'm not you. I alone couldn't take care of her."
"You did your best Cass, thank you for that. Still, why was I going to divorce her then?" I'm still puzzled over this.
"She was on an assignment and was drugged, but we didn't know and she told the target to take her. All of this was seen and heard by the team before the transmission was lost and you lost it. She texted you a weird message after seeing your missed calls and messages and I don't know what you said back to her but she called and after that.... you both lost it."
He grips my shoulder, "You forgave her the second you heard what happened but you were trying to save her even before you found out about the drugging."
"John, please remember that much. Those emotions are ones she was never able to work through and heal from because you died. The guilt has ate her up over the years. She returned to some semblance of normal only after ...."
Cass stops and I grab his arm, "After what? Cass...?"
We hear a voice come from the landing, "After my love for her helped her to start to mend the festering wounds you left her with." Alex looks up at us and shrugs, "Temple called me but I see John was able to do it after all."
He turns to head back downstairs, "Alex what do you mean your love for her?"
Alex sighs, "You know what it means, before you get pissed off and start acting on the higher moral ground, you were dead. She had no one to love her the way she needed it. She needed someone she could trust and was her friend and I was the only one fitting the bill."
He walked downstairs and I could do nothing to refute or take my anger out on.
I wasn't there for her when she needed me most.
I did break my promise.
I was only angry and disappointed in my self when it came down to it.
I failed her.
Now, I was experiencing the results of failing her.
And I had the audacity to act like I was the one only who was wronged here.