I had learned to live in the dark, as long as I could remembered. Well, spending your whole life in pure darkness was something more exaggerating than I thought, but I liked it that way. Somehow it seems easier to let everyone know how my conditions works.
it's easier to say yes that I could only see pitch black than to let them understand what it meant for my conditions. It took time and to be honest I don't think that anyone have enough time to sit down and listen to me babble how it's blur for me and you got that kind of idea - well if anyone cared.
It become a habit for me of course, I thought that it was easer for both parties but who knew I was building a wall around myself - walls strong enough that I become the only lost princess in my own daydream stories, and maybe to kept unwanted feelings and disappointment out.
Maybe it was the case for Nicholas white.
Building a wall high enough that it could him out, building it with the constant disappointment that he might turn out like one of those people who would stare and say things behind my back as if I can't hear them - I'm blind but definitely not deaf.
But I knew deep down in my heart, I didn't want it to be like that. All the letters I wrote, was a prayer I couldn't say out loud - well unless you can read braille, than I guess you'd be the few lucky people in this world who could understand. But in my living environment, I doubt that's the case.
Because if they read my letters, they'll understand that a part of me, that tiny corner in my heart had hoped he was different than others.
I didn't know how he looked like, I didn't know the color of his eyes or even the sound of his voice, I didn't know the tiny details about him but I knew I was done for when I feel for him.
The halls of school was surely busy today, but I didn't care even a bit, not even when Yura and Liz had bugged me to joined them for recess, I just couldn't move my body and act like everything was okay. I knew maybe for the age I am currently what do I know about falling in love?
Hell, I think focusing on finally finishing school should be my priority, and I think it's save to say that I might even considering just being a wallflower was enough to get pass through high school and become the kind of teacher I wanted.
"You sure?" Liz asked asked as she held my hand, "Really, not even a muffin?"
I shake my head, "Not hungry."
"Is this still about -" but before Liz could even finished her sentences, I could hear her grumble a bit and by looks of it Yura had asked her to stopped talking.
"Right... We're going Anaya, if you need us, you know where to find us." I could only brushed them off and shooed them way to finally get that rest they needed.
School was always moving on as always, I had only focused on the things I needed to do, while trying to blended into the crowd, that is until a murmur landed itself in the tip of my ears.
"Did you hear? Nicholas White is back."
Right when I thought I was ready to leave everything and picked up all the pieces, he came back. I think anyone would notice on how I stiffened but had to keep walking before being swept away by the crowd.
"Yeah, he came in just today."
Why. Why did he came today? Why not next week, why not never again? Why did he came back.
The words were chasing me around and I knew every word that came from their mouth was making my heart raise crazily, it was unfathomable how just words like that could cause someone's feet to tremble in fear, but it did. I tried my best to ignore them, for me Nicholas White was just one of those people I've meet briefly, for me he didn't exist no more.
But it seems like the universe was already a step ahead than I am. As I was about to reached the gates of school, a voice ever so familiar called out - low, familiar, and unshaken by time - it was like a ringing nightmare for me.
"Anaya." that voice called out and I caught my breath.
Maybe this is the part where I could just run away, but I guess it's not happening any sooner when the voiced yet again called and closer this time, until there he was standing just a few steps away from me.
I could feel him lingering and I knew he saw me standing there, too confused to even move a limb.
"Anaya Moore, I know you heard me."
But I was confused, what was I supposed to say to him? A hello? or throw a punch at him? Did he expected I go cry my eyes out when I saw him.
"Anaya, wait." Right, not even making a dashed was even worth it, he was still there, he was still in front me, trying so hard to gain my attention. Well, he sure got it, but I wasn't willing to give it to him - unless he did explain his side. But again, he could just bluff like those who threw me away when I wasn't needed in the equation.
"Nicholas White."
"I can explain everything."
I scoff at his words, explain everything he said? Well, isn't that what I needed right now?
"I think explaining is a bit overdue, don't you think?"
"You deserve an explanation."
"No. What I deserve is an apology."
"I'm sorry." he breathless said quickly. "I'm so so sorry Anaya Moore."
"Apologies not accepted, now get out of my way Nicholas, I have other things to do." He groaned as he stood in front of me, he took my hand gently before tugging me from going away. I could only helplessly sway hoping he didn't let me fall.
and he didn't. That bothers me.
"I was out of town."
"Well, I bet that answers everything." I said sarcastically, "news flash, it seems like everyone seems to know that before me."
"You were looking for me."
"I did. I regret to do so." I said coldly, "I should just left you and pretended like your dead."
"Ouch. Here I thought you'd be finally happy to see me." he said truthfully, "I was going to find you, and contact you I promise that, but things -"
"No. No it's alright," I cut him off, "You don't have the obligation to tell me what you do, or where you are, I don't have the obligation to also know what you are doing and how you are."
"But you do. You do deserve to know, because it doesn't settle with me to know that you were looking for me, and I wasn't able to do anything because you don't know how bad I want to see you too."
Yeah. I really do thing I need better way to create a wall because Nicholas White is a dangerous man.