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This isn't how I imagined saying my first "I love you" to Hollyhock. I thought about it many times. How'd or when I'd say it, where we'd be.
On the beach as the sun sets. In a field of flowers. Or just in her home, sitting on the couch watching something.
I certainly didn't imagine myself saying it to her in a fit of rage in a burning building.
Honestly, I didn't think it was something I'd even have to say. How could there be any doubt in her mind why I'm here?
"I FUCKING LOVE YOU, HOLLYHOCK!" Not an ounce of softness can be found in my voice. "I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERY GODSDAMN SECOND I'M AWAY FROM YOU! I… FEEL LIKE I CAN BREATHE AGAIN WHEN I'M AROUND YOU!" My confession starts breaking my voice as anger bellows within me.
"How could you ask me that? After all we've been through together?!"
"It's because of what we've been through together!" she retaliates.
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"You never killed anyone before you met me. Now you have, and you're willing to kill more," I point out. "My… darkness has spread to you and I can't-"
My voice cracks as I struggle with the words.
"I can't-" my throat hurts as I gulp down air, "I can't change. My life has always been this, and this is all it'll ever be."
Witch-Hazel looks around, flabbergasted at what I said.
"Who's asking you to change?!" Desperation sinks into her voice and etches its way across her face. She gestures around wildly to an audience of none. "I've known what you do, who you are, this whole time! Did I ever ask you to change? When did you ever hear me say, 'I wish you'd change?' Tell me when I ever said that!"
Her anger rises again. "Don't put words in my mouth, Hollyhock. I know the kind of woman you are, and I love you still! So why don't you tell me what this really is?!"
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Hollyhock is amazing. Just minutes ago I was scared for her life, now I'm more infuriated than I've ever been at anyone. She holds her side, hiding her face, unable to look me in the eyes.
I thought I was imagining things, that the cold edge of hers wasn't coming back. Thinking I was just exaggerating didn't help and now here she is using what I feared against me.
My heart transforms into a warzone, burning rage and horrifying grief battle for dominance over the source of my love for Hollyhock. It struggles to beat, fearful for what might happen next, but pumps incessantly to fuel my anger at the insult to my feelings for her.
"Tell me what's really going on, Holly," it's all I can do to take some bitterness out of my tone. "What are you trying to say to me?"
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I can't think of anything else to say. All my strength, my willpower, my control is being used to keep myself from crying. Two fires have birthed themselves under my eyes, and a flood of tears is the only thing that can drown them out. But I keep my eyelids shut tight. If Hazel sees me crying, she'll comfort me and I won't be able to hold the resolve to finish this. I'll want her warm touch, I'll need it, and I'll need her.
My left arm is the only thing holding me up, and I don't know how much longer it can.
"You can't answer me, Holly?" Hazel demands. I never thought about how angry I'd make her by doing this; I should've expected it, but I somehow thought I'd do this cleanly. What a fucking idiot I was for thinking Witch-Hazel would give up anything easily. The hurt in her voice is what really stabs into me. She twists the knife as she says,
"Hollyhock, after all we've been through. All we've done for each other, I think you owe me a reply."
Insult her. Curse her out. Tell her to fuck off. Make a stupid joke. Laugh her off. Spit in her face. Push her away. Shove her as hard as you can. Punch her. Stab her. Shoot her. Tell another lie. Get up and leave. Act like you can't hear her. Say something mean. Say something harsh. Say something ugly. Say anything! Do anything! Anything, but the truth!
ANYTHING BUT THE TRUTH!
All these horrible instincts spring to mind, but the truth sprouts in my stomach and grows upwards to reach the light of day through my mouth. I try to poison it with my cruel and acidic inclinations, as I have many times before. But the truth, my truth, has become more resilient from all the torture I've put it through after all these years. It refuses to die in my guts like I want it to, it won't wilt away in my throat, and it isn't shriveling on my tongue. My teeth are the only thing keeping it inside me after so long. I feel as though my jaw might break if I clench it shut any harder.
"If you want me out of your life, then just say it Hollyhock." Witch-Hazel says, more severe than I've ever heard her. I can't open my mouth or the truth will escape.
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An ugly, cold scoff comes out my mouth after I make my latest demand. Hollyhock still hasn't looked up at me. I could kneel down next to her to see her face. I could pull her up to her feet. There's so many things I could do, but I want Hollyhock to act on her own. I want to see her decision.
I need to see it.
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This is it. All I have to do is nothing. Say nothing. She'll get the message. She'll leave out of my life, and… that'll be fine. It's better for her.
That's what matters.
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I stare at Hollyhock, still on her knees, holding herself up with one arm. I can't hear her breathing or heartbeat over the roar of the growing fire. I don't turn to look at it but it sounds like it's spread about halfway across the building, getting closer to us.
I fortify my heart for an answer that never comes. Hollyhock refuses to look my way even as fire spreads to consume us both.
I'm not going to stand here, silently begging for a response.
My teeth sink into my bottom lip as I force myself to turn away. I start to drag my feet, but before I can even take one step, Hollyhock grabs the hem of my dress. I angle down to look at her and she says in the tiniest voice,
"Please stay." I see tears fall from her eyes and all my rage vanishes instantly.
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I can't do it.
I thought I could handle it.
I really believed I was ready.
But all it took was hearing her turn away for me to imagine what my life would look like without her. I couldn't bear it for even half a second.
My hand moved without my consent and my mouth opens again to release the truth.
"Please stay," I breathe out. The truth made it out, my truth is finally free. The relief from the pain of holding it in is divine. My ribcage was strained from repressing it, but now I feel like I'm breathing for the first time in my life.
That doesn't stop the torrent of tears from pouring from my eyes.
Witch-Hazel sinks to her knees behind me and holds me tight. I pull her arms even tighter around me and smother my face in her warmth.
"Can we go home?" she asks softly into my back. I can't form words through all my tears, so I nod.
A second later, we're back in my apartment. The insufferable heat from the flames and summer sun is gone. Now all I have is the enchanting touch of Hazel.
I can't believe I tried to throw this away.
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Hollyhock won't stop crying, her tears soak my arms, but I'm so glad just to hold her. We sit for a while before her breath begins to calm. She takes deep breaths but doesn't let go of my arms.
"I'm sorry, Hazel," she says after heaving a shaky sigh, "I'm sorry for what I said back there."
"What's going on Holly?" I nuzzle my face in her back.
"I-" she exhales, "I-" whatever it is can't leave her lips. I let go of her for a second so I can position myself in front. Hollyhock hangs her head again.
"Please talk to me, Holly." A pause composes itself between us.
"I was trying to… break your heart, make you want to leave me… because I was afraid that you'd find me dead one day and that would destroy you… shatter your heart."
So she was doing all that, to protect my feelings?
"But that's just the excuse I told myself. It's not the real reason."
I'm almost afraid to ask, "What's the real reason, Holly?" Another pause blooms. I lift her face up by her chin.
Hollyhock has been shot, stabbed, beaten, and a number of other horrible things, but this is the most miserable I've ever seen her look. The pain on her face brings tears to my eyes.
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The pain on her face is what I was trying to prevent, but it's too late now. I know I'm not strong enough to go on without her. I need Hazel in my life.
I want her in my life.
"I feel like… I don't deserve your love… I haven't earned it," I admit. When I try to hang my head again, Hazel lifts it back up. Her beautiful gray eyes meet mine.
"Why? Why would you think something like that?" Hazel asks. She puts on a brave face for me. I can only shake my head.
"I don't know, Hazel. I've… always had this gnawing… ache inside. It's been there as long as I can remember. I've gotten so used to it that I forget it's there," I bite my lip on instinct but I allow myself to continue, "but when I'm with you, it's desperate. It wants more and more, but I can't help feeling like… I haven't earned it."
Hazel takes my face in her hands.
"Holly… love isn't a meritocracy. You don't have to earn it. It's…"
Hazel looks to the side to come up with the right words.
"Love is just something you give… and something you accept when it's given to you."
She pulls my face closer, pressing her unbearably soft lips against my cheek, and kisses away my tears. A breath escapes that I didn't know I had trapped. Hazel looks me right in the eyes.
"I love you, Hollyhock. Can you accept it?"
I nod, about to say something when my phone rings.
"Classic," the witch comments, and a smile finally graces her face. I pick up the call and put my phone on speaker to hear Tamara screaming,
"Where are you?! Larkspur said you stayed behind to cover them!" Worry fills her voice.
"I got hit but-"
"YOU GOT HIT?!"
"But Hazel saved me, I'm good."
"Hazel? She's back? How'd she get to you? How'd she know you were hurt?" Some excellent questions for sure, but I don't have the energy to craft a flimsy lie. Hazel takes the phone out of my hand.
"Tamara, Holly was hurt but I got to her in time. She's safe," she replies in a calm, practiced voice. A few seconds pass.
"We're wrapping things up here. Things were shaky but we handled it," Tamara slips back into her professional tone. "... Take care of her, okay?" Softness makes its way into her request. Hazel looks right at me before replying with,
"Always." Tamara doesn't respond, but I feel like she nods on the other end before she hangs up.
It really sinks in how much of an idiot I was to think about giving this up. That discarding Hazel's feelings would be a better outcome for her. And I'm an even bigger idiot for thinking that she'd just let it happen. I've seen her fight, fight for her city, fight for this city, fight for me. There was never a chance she was just gonna let me go. And I'm so glad she didn't.
I laugh at my stupidity as Hazel looks at me with a curious expression.
"Hazel, I accept." A smile stretches across her face and mine.
"I'm happy to hear that, Holly." I plant a kiss on her lips, and she holds my head to press deeper.
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Hollyhock falls into my arms a moment later. I've never seen her so exhausted, so vulnerable. Even when I had laid next to her as she slept, I could still sense a small threshold of awareness, that readiness to retaliate at any moment at anything, and never truly at peace.
The woman I'm holding right now? She isn't on the lookout for threats, there's no razor sharp edge to cut down any danger. Hollyhock is finally feeling safe enough to just be herself.
She's feeling safe in my arms.
I tilt my head up and let two tears flow down my cheeks, wiping them before they touch her head.
Let's take care of her.
I try to lift her up but it seems even with all my exercising that I'm not strong enough to pick her up by my own means. Some telekinesis lets me carry her in my arms. I take her to the bathroom, she discards her damaged and bloody clothes, and I wait on her bed as she showers.
I stare at the ceiling, analyzing its beigeish color as my heart starts beating faster and faster.
I told her I love her! I can't believe I did that! And like that!
I slap my hands over my face, feeling the heat of embarrassment warm my cheeks.
She didn't leave me any other choice! Hollyhock can be so damn difficult sometimes!
My ears perk up as I catch the humming voice of the assassin as she washes up. She mumbles the words to a song I've never heard, and my heart skips a beat.
But loving her feels so easy.
I settle down when she comes out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her body, water dripping from her limbs as she gathers up her hair. I swallow a bit as I watch her for a moment.
On instinct I get up to leave, thinking she's going to get dressed, but Hollyhock walks over to the bed and lies down right next to me. She exhales and turns to look at me with a big smile. Her beautiful face, scars and all, is happy to see me and I know I don't have to go anywhere right now. She looks up to the ceiling for a second and I have to resist the urge to let my eyes wander over her damp body.
Almost like she reads my mind, she says,
"Do you have any follow-up treatment for me? I'm still drained."
"You did lose a lot of blood. I have an elixir for that."
"I bet you do," she turns her head back to look at me, "Is it gross?"
I shrug. "Can't say, I've never tasted it."
"Little miss 'never lost several pints of blood' over here."
"That's a long name." She laughs at that.
"Gimme it, I'll let you know what I think."
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Hazel twirls her hand around in the air and a glass vial appears in her palm. She locks eyes with me and passes it over. I uncork it with my thumb and down the contents.
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I watch her drink the elixir, wishing I was the one wrapped in her hand.
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I don't even taste what I'm drinking, taking in Hazel's gaze as she unblinkingly stares at me. Her expression softens, making it clearer by the second what she's thinking of. I see her swallow as I do. As I examine her face with every ounce of scrutiny I have, I come to this conclusion: such beauty confirms the existence of magic. There's no way someone could be so gorgeous without a higher power that molds us. And past that, I see the beauty she sees in me reflected in her eyes.
The magical effects of the elixir rush through my body, thrumming in my veins. It's like an involuntary shaking sensation, but not unpleasant. She takes the vial from me, letting her fingers linger on mine for a moment longer than necessary, but greatly appreciated.
"That all you got for me, Witch-Hazel?" I ask, not hiding anything. She leans up, getting closer to my face.
"Lie on your stomach, assassin," she whispers.
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Hollyhock obliges before even hearing why, resting her head on her folded arms as she rolls over.
"I want to make sure my OverHealing didn't have any unintended consequences," I explain. I maneuver myself to examine her.
"Uh huh, any excuse to feel me up, right?" she counters. I get on my knees and straddle her. I can't deny her claim, but I do want to check.
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As she sits on my ass I suppress a groan.
It's a good thing I'm already wet from the shower.
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I feel her ass cheeks between my thighs and have to chomp on my bottom lip. Her ass is so full, round, and bouncy. I want to move my hips a little bit and-
Focus!
I don't have to sit on her like this, but Holly doesn't seem to mind at all, so I get to work. I bring my magic to my hands and work them over her muscular back.
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Hazel's magic is now a familiar touch to me, the thick smoke spreads over my back with a satisfying warmth. She sinks her hips deeper down, pressing on me further. I have to exhale through my nose quickly to prevent a groan.
I think about the process of dismantling and reassembling a GoldenSeal pistol to get my mind off the fact that it's only a towel separating us.
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I summon diagrams explaining the influence of magic on human cells, to distract me from the idea that just a few millimeters of cotton are all that stand between me and this ass that I've craved for so long.
"Everything seems fine," I force myself to say so that I can focus on the task at hand.
Hollyhock hasn't recovered yet, she can't handle the strenuous activity I want to put her through right now.
No matter how badly I want to.
Something catches my interest on her lower right side.
"I'm detecting some nerve damage here."
She tilts her head a bit."Press around it," she requests. I oblige.
"Oh yeah, a few years ago a piece of tempered glass got stuck in me."
"May I?" I ask.
"Please," she replies. I get both my hands over the area.
"Because it's older, this will hurt. A lot," I explain.
"I got shot in the head like ten times today, and once through a lung. I can handle it."
"Okay."
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I vastly underestimated Hazel's definition of 'hurt. A lot.' It feels like burning wires crawling through my body. I grunt and grit my teeth.
"I warned you," she says calmly but without stopping. My whole body heats up and I break into a sweat. Just as the pain peaks, it stops. Hazel climbs off me as I catch my breath. Once I get it under control, I turn on my side to face her.
"That wasn't so bad," I joke, trying to save face.
"Sure, that fine sheen of sweat on you is from something else," she counters, seeing right through me. I need to change the subject.
"Hey, Hazel."
"Yes?"
I hold her chin and plant a kiss on her. It's not fair how soft her lips are, how smooth her skin feels against mine.
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I have to thank the Gods and Goddesses for Hollyhock's kissing skills. Either she's practiced a lot or her prowess is divinely given; her technique isn't fair for anything less than a higher being. Each touch of our lips leaves me wanting more and more, I don't want to breathe unless that air is coming from her mouth.
She pulls my face from hers for a second.
"I love you too, Hazel."
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I should've said that right away. Should've said it sooner. Honestly? I should've said it a thousand times by now. All the chances I had to say it flash through my mind but they don't matter. Because I'm saying it now.
"I love you, Hazel," I say it again for good measure and because it feels great to admit. As great as it feels, it's nothing compared to seeing the smile that Hazel gives me. Joy lights up every inch of her beautiful face.
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Hearing those words are sweeter than anything I could imagine, but that pales in the face of the dazzling smile Hollyhock has for me. Her face always hides something, a thought, an idea, a feeling; now it's free of any obfuscations. She's telling me the truth, the whole truth… her truth.
I pull her in for a kiss of my own, and let my tears of joy wet her cheeks.
"I love you too, Hollyhock," I responded after a small eternity of kissing. She giggles and looks me right in the eyes. Those perfect smoky quartz jewels stare at me.
"I love you, Hazel," she says again, almost giddy this time. Holly closes in for another kiss that I gladly welcome. Her hand goes to my waist, and she guides it smoothly and gently to my hip.
I'm about to tear her towel off when I remember her condition. It pains me to stop, but I do have to tell her.
"The elixir needs a few hours to help your body replenish your blood stores." I wonder how she'll respond to that. Holly has her hand on my thigh, she traces her finger up and down for a moment before she replies with,
"You gonna be here for that, Hazel?"
"I'm not going anywhere, Holly," I don't hesitate to answer. Her lips find mine again.
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I still don't know for sure if love is something you have to earn. If it's something I even deserve. But Hazel has given me hers and I accept it.
I accept it now.
I'll always accept it.
Chapter 34 End.