The forest went silent.
The traumatized hybrid raptor sat beside me, trembling like a chihuahua on espresso, occasionally glancing at my backside as if it held the power of God.
I was trying very hard not to make eye contact with it.
"…We don't talk about what happened," I said.
The raptor bobbed its head rapidly. Agreement? Fear? PTSD? Hard to tell.
Then—
CRUNCH.
A twig snapped overhead.
Both of us froze.
Slowly… painfully slowly… I looked up.
A monkey stared down at us from a branch, its tiny furry face twisted in pure, wide‑eyed horror.
It had seen everything.
Every. Single. Thing.
The monkey pointed at me.
Then at the raptor.
Then at my butt.
And then made a gagging noise.
"I— IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" I yelled up at it.
The monkey screeched back like:
"OH YES IT IS!"
The system chimed:
---
[New Creature Detected: Primal Tree‑Screamer (Monkey Variant)]
Threat Level: …emotional.
---
"Emotional threat? What does that mean?"
The monkey flung a fruit at my face.
"Oh. That."
The raptor snarled protectively, stepping in front of me. Good raptor. Traumatized, but loyal.
Then the system buzzed again.
---
[Bond Detection]
Primal Tree‑Screamer is judging you. Severe disrespect detected. Would you like to initiate Dominance Trial?
Conditions: • Must defeat monkey. • Without poop. • Monkey is laughing at you.
---
The monkey was laughing at me.
Mocking me.
Judging me.
My pride took 37,000 damage.
I pointed up at the little gremlin. "Listen here you furry banana‑stealing sky goblin, I am done being bullied by wildlife!"
The monkey raised its eyebrows and did the universal "come at me bro" gesture.
The system chimed again—more aggressively this time.
---
[HOST. ACCEPT THE TRIAL.]
This is a rare primate species. Strong potential. High intelligence. Could become an elite companion unit.
But first: Beat its ass.
---
"…This system needs therapy."
But still… a monkey companion? That sounded useful. And less likely to be traumatized by fecal warfare.
The raptor nudged me, as if saying:
"Master… destroy him."
I cracked my knuckles.
"You're on, banana boi."
The monkey hooted, leapt down, and landed dramatically like a tiny martial artist.
System window:
---
[Duel Initiated: Dominance Trial]
Opponent: Primal Tree‑Screamer Combat Style: Infuriating Acrobatics Weakness: Snacks
---
"Oh good, so I'm fighting a hyperactive three‑year‑old with abs."
The monkey dashed at me, flipping, spinning, laughing its furry head off.
The raptor cheered me on with screeches.
I squared my stance.
"Alright monkey— LET'S DANCE!"
And thus began the most humiliating fistfight of my life.