So, pretty tough day for Mr. One Bullet. He'd just had to put his best friend down for beating his wife, and now his mind was one hell of a fucking mess. He now had to find out why exactly his best friend got so pissed at his wife.
And as such, he ended up in his office, a bunch of classified government papers he obtained after he got the virgin losers on the board some wives on one side of his desk that was funded by an entire apartment complex's rent payments, and triple monitors on the other. He had one job and one job only, to find out the truth.
Little did he know he was about to nearly lose every last one of his braincells.
The very first thing how found was the assembly process of the imaginary car allegedly used by mental Richard and dumbass Cleveland to kidnap the two boys.
The first step, apparently, was to acquire or create a cigarette-stained Amazon box.
Alright, first off, how the fuck do you make a car with a box? A MOTHERFUCKING BOX? After all, isn't a box nothing but just some cardboard. Also, how the fuck do the cig stains make the box any more functional- oh wait, it doesn't do shit at all, maybe makes it even less functional than before. That's some logic for you, because this chapter has anything but so far.
As if things couldn't get even dumber, the wheels used for the car were... in reality, 4 poorly drawn paper plates. Yes, One Bullet just learned that two living, breathing, functioning human beings got kidnapped by a cardboard box with paper plates on it. But dumber things were awaiting him.
That was the moment he found government files regarding Richard:
CASE FILE:
CLASSIFIED, KNOWING THIS INFORMATION EXISTS SHALL RESULT IN PUBLIC EXECUTION
RICHARD KEYBOARDSPAMSON
Notes:
Entry 1: Richard was discovered to have lost all mental stability during his mother's second trimester of pregnancy, supposedly from alcohol and drug abuse. Later noted that when he was born by Dr. Keith Smith, who handled the pregnancy, Richard had a permanent maximum mental capacity of a one-week old due to the mental condition he was born with, labeled as 'Nobody asked for your opinion'
Entry 2: Following concerns regarding the home situation of Richard, for fear he was inside a home that could not provide proper care for his condition rather than the mental asylum the state had assigned him to (Sidenote: Said asylum was also the only asylum in the state), CPS Service Worker Jane Doe was bribed with a false promise of her $2 million cartel debt being paid off by state government to visit An Amazon Box, the alleged location of Richard, and take his from his [self-proclaimed window locker] birth mother to the asylum the state had assigned him to. However, Jane was to never return. The coroner's report alleged Richard's mother had made her lose all of her braincells. No further information available at the time being.
Entry 3: Following further "aggressive" investigation, the state had found out he somehow got his way into a non-remedial preschool and subsequently became the biggest laughingstock of the entire school. For example, he tried to do CPR on someone, err... I mean something. He got caught in 4K breathing into a speaker, and that was all the other kids talked about for 5 months before the teacher made them stop. Another time, some walked in on him using a broken crayon as an eating utensil. He never lived that one down. Eventually, he lost his shit and tried to roll a speaker onto one of his classmates.
The victim's parents filed a class-action lawsuit against the school for Richard's actions, who then got approval to force the lawsuit onto Richard's mother. The judge investigated the situation and that was when it was revealed Richard wasn't supposed to be in the school at the first place. In fact, he was supposed to be in an asylum. After absolutely nothing else, the judge ruled that Richard was permabanned from any non-remedial or special ed school so no child would ever think that being like Richard was even remotely normal.
Entry 4: Alright, fuck it, Richard gotta go back to the normal schools. After the ruling, he was transported by maximum security prison van to the only special ed school in the state, since Richard also got a ban from off-state travel. The officers got there and told the headmaster they were legally required to house Richard.
(Sidenote: Yes, the school Richard was being shipped of to was a permanent living thing. Their goal was to force all mentally incompetent kids to be quote-on-quote "normal". Very strict place, beatings were sure involved)
Then the headmaster uttered the words that changed the world forever:
"We only accept mentally challenged kids, not utterly braindead kids"
Officer: (insert Ninja THE FUCK YOU JUST SAY TO ME YOU LITTLE SHIT?!)
A cagefight between the headmaster and state governor was subsequently started and the headmaster won, so no Richard for the special ed school.
Narrator speaking again. There's more, but One Bullet was scared he'd lose more braincells if he continued, but then-
Juan Escobar(JE): "DAD! DAD! THE FBI'S AT YOUR FRONT DOOR"
For context, Juan Escobar was One Bullet's 2-year old son. His mother? Let's just say she's greedy. Oh, also does OF.
One Bullet(OB): "Son, I'm surprised you know what the FBI is"
JE: "This is the hood, of course I know what the FBI is! I know what an AK is!"
OB: "Alright, am I finally getting killed from my numerous war crimes against humanity?"
JE: "No, this agent who looked just like Patrick Star with a plastic water bottle on top of his head was yapping about raiding your mansion because something about you knowing Tom King's cell number. They said you know what his cell number is. And Tom's that famous unbeatable wrestler, y'know? And they got it from ChatGPT Premium or something."
OB: "They wanna kill me? That's sure cute as fuck, but here's the thing son, they're all dumbasses."
JE: "Dumber than the Re4lDe4l"
OB: "I'm afraid that's right, son."
JE: "What, how?!"
OB: "They think I live alone. They think all my members, y'know, those guys who were poppin' Xanax pills and inhaling that mystery white powder in my living room, live in another building, maybe close, maybe not, but too far to save me if the FBI does their thing well enough. Truth is, my members don't have another complex for themselves. They just have a floor beneath the mansion. They live there."
(insert FBI! OPEN UP! meme)
FBI Agent 200: (kicks down the front door) "We can either do this the easy way or the hard way. Your choice."
Joseph(JOS): "How about you make things easier for yourself and fuck off?"
FBI Agent 200: "Wait, wha-"
Cue to a bunch of Death Note members opening fire on the FBI. One elementary dropout tried threatening them, saying he'd dox One Bullet on Twitter. Joseph revealed it was already on Wikipedia before making him the last FBI agent to die. (None were alive now)
The day after that catastrophe, the CIA stormed the FBI CEO's office and told him "Time to learn Ni Hao, buddy" before dragging him out and probably killing him.