Remember that arson? You know, the one where Jed wrote a battle rap so shitty it caused a fucking brick wall to burn itself? Well, that got the FBI thinking. And if you thought that maybe, JUST maybe this time, they would brainstorm logical ideas that have been proven to work in the past or at least do things for which an educated guess would be valid for it... well, you're half-right. The brainstorming part is right. The logic part is the one that's wrong.
So here's the scene. A bunch of FBI agents in a dark presentation room, sitting in very uncomfortable folding chairs like it's a fucking school assembly or something, trying to make some pretty stupid ideas with them poorly-drawn looking-ass PowerPoint presentations to get to The Re4lDe4l.
To give you a look at what I'm talking about:
FBI Agent 6-7 (GET OU-): "We should raid everywhere that has ever been considered a 'fake hood' even in prehistoric times, and kidnap everyone who was ever been there for good measure."
FBI Agent 456: "So... the fuck does that do?"
FBI Agent 6-7: "Well, think about it. These people are wannabe gangsters, right?"
FBI Agent 456: "Well, they're wannabe thugs"
FBI Agent 6-7: "Well, you're objectively wrong"
FBI Agent 456: "Well, nobody asked you to respond"
FBI Agent 6-7: "Well, neither did anyone ask you"
FBI Agent 456: "Well-"
FBI Agent 1: "456, shut the fuck up, you virgin loser."
FBI Agent 654: "You do realize getting laid isn't the whole point of life, right?"
FBI Agent 1: "You too, other virgin loser. 6-7 (GET OU-), continue"
FBI Agent 6-7: "Now that 1 has knocked some desperately needed sense into y'all, these wannabe gangsters have lived in fake hoods for at least part of their lives, it's just truth, and you should be put in a mental institution if you think otherwise. Anyways, since it is an objective truth that these people have at least at one point been in a fake hood, at least one person in one of these fake hoods would at least be able to recognize one member if they were given the mugshot. That is also an objective truth that all sensible human beings accept."
FBI Agent 654: "So what are you trying to suggest?"
FBI Agent 6-7: "The obvious thing I'm trying to explain to you [word for 'sped' in the 1980s] [British cigarettes] is that we kidnap everyone that has ever been in anything that has ever been considered a 'fake hood'"
FBI Agent 2: "Kid-ki-kidnapping?"
FBI Agent 6-7: "Speak English."
FBI Agent 2: "ONE, I HAVE A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT, DICKHEAD, AND TWO, KIDNAPPING EVERYONE WHO KNOWS WHAT A FAKE HOOD IS? ARE YOU FUCKING CLINICALLY INSANE?"
FBI Agent 6-7: "This is why your parents beat you with a wire on a daily basis as a child"
If Agent 6-7 hadn't just tactically nuked the line, I don't know what she had. This would have been a low blow for anybody regardless, but this was... just horrific, even for someone like her.
What followed next could only be described properly as 2 nearly killing 6-7, and Agent 69 saw this as a perfect opportunity to present his braindead idea.
FBI Agent 69: "All of you seem to think 6-7 is stupid and a morally bankrupt human being. Don't worry, though, I'm not gonna verbally abuse anyone for even thinking of questioning me."
FBI Agent 420: "You sure about that?"
FBI Agent 69: "Yes."
FBI Agent 3: "Give me your damn idea already."
FBI Agent 69: "First, you calm the fuck down. Second, my idea is that we raid private schools."
FBI Agent 3: "And how the fuck is that supposed to do shit?"
FBI Agent 69: "Well, when we think of white, suburban wannabe thugs, do you think they're more likely to be from a public school or a private one?"
FBI Agent 3: "I don't know what the fuck you're blabbering about."
FBI Agent 69: "Well, to help you poor soul out, what kind of person do you think a white, suburban, wannabe thug would be?"
FBI Agent 3: "Ummmmmm... a guy who embodies the picture where there's a rabbit hiding behind a lion mask while using a computer."
FBI Agent 420: "What's that? The only device I have is a school Chromebook that's been permanently blocked by GoGuardian."
FBI Agent 3: "Ehh, to explain it to your dumb ass, basically, a guy who acts tough but really isn't."
FBI Agent 69: "So, in the name of logic, these private schools probably have either their members, at least formerly, or their radical supporters."
FBI Agent 420: (throws 69 out of the window) "Enough of that stupidity, my idea is better than all of yours combined and you know it"
FBI Agent 99: "(sniff) I can smell the LSD on your breath-"
FBI Agent 420: (pulls a .500 Bushwhacker on 99 and fatally shoots Agent 99) "Now that I put that buffoon in hell, my idea that you know is the best is to raid the childhood neighborhoods of these wannabe thugs and kill anyone if they don't have any knowledge we already do."
(The other agents agree that they should do Option 3, but all of a sudden...)
(From the back of the room, the backdoor swings open so hard it falls off its hinges and the sound of a machine gun rapidly firing enter the room. The shots kill Agent 420 instantly and are so devastating half of the wall the gun was aimed at disintegrated. Amidst the chaos, a mysterious man walks in from the back door, and the agents scream at him for nearly killing them.)
FBI Agent 6969: (walks to where 420 was standing, kicks away his body, and points the machine gun at the sitting agents) "Mr. Machiney gotta say 'hi' again?"
(All the agents simultaneously gulp_
FBI Agent 6969: "That's what I thought. Anyways, since it's clear that all of you combine for less brain function than a singular blade of grass and can't formulate even slightly logical plans for simple tasks, I've come here to show you my plan that will do your job for you and barely keep you from working at the local Sonic's for the rest of your life, although none of you deserve it."
FBI Agent 4: "Do we still get cred-"
FBI Agent 6969: (gets his Glock and kills Agent 4 with two shots) "The answer is no. Anyway, my plan is to find someone named Tom King. Now, I'm certain your preschooler brains are asking who this Tom King figure is. Well, to put it as simply as possible for your best comprehension, Tom King is a former WWE wrestler. He was so good that his record was 867 to -1. Yes, this man was so fucking good he had a goddamn negative loss count. And to save themselves from admitting his superiority, the WWE took their fancy asses to The White House, offering to build the president a gold statue if he would publicly execute anyone who had even the slightest memory of King, and it worked. The WWE banned gave him a permaban for 'illegal drug abuse', although his actual offense was 'being too good', and offered to fund a supermax prison if they would throw King in there, which also worked."
FBI Agent 42: "And what do you suggest we do? All you did is give us a monologue about an unknown wrestler-"
FBI Agent 420: (fatally shoots Agent 42) "What I suggest we do is we march right up to whatever supermax prison they're trying to erase King's existence in, use all force necessary, including threats and intimidation to obtain King's cell number-
FBI Agent 5: "Can we use unnecessary force-"
FBI Agent 420: (fatally shoots Agent 6) "Of fucking course we will use unnecessary force. Continuing, we'll find King's cell and ask him if he wants to go remove this blemish on the face of Earth known as The Re4lDe4l-"
FBI Agent 10: "And what if he says no?"
FBI Agent 420: (fatally shoots Agent 10) "Then we physically drag him out of his cell and torture him into doing what we want. We won't kill him because he's our last hope to rid this poor world of The Re4lDe4l. Are there any more dumb questions?"
(silence)
FBI Agent 420: "Good. So, what do we say?"
Every surviving agent except 420: "FUCK NO, THAT'S TOO LONG, WE NEED TO END THEM NOW."
FBI Agent 420: (leaving) "Fucking wimps, never wanting to do real work."
(About a minute of silence)
FBI Agent 100: "Y'know what that guy was blabbering about?"
FBI Agent 50: "No."
So apparently, the other agents didn't want to do what Agent 420 not-so-nicely suggested, although it had more brainpower than their ideas combined for, because they wanted quick. Which... I do appreciate the sense of urgency.
Fortunately for them, they got quick. Because it force-fed them the sense of urgency they so desperately needed when Richard and Cleveland did what was in the running for 'Dumbest Act Ever Committed' at the Darwin Awards, along with 93 of their other actions.
So, back to the Hood of Los Angeles, where there was a hella big block party going on. Food, drinks, 2 DJs for every music genre, yes, even classical and a couple kids test-tasting "special drinks" (which was actually a ploy to start the cycle known as 'alcohol addiction') Jamal and his wife were there, but not their three kids. They were in their house with a nanny who was just on her phone the entire time. If you don't know why that holds any importance, read the next paragraph.
I care about your sanity, so I'll make this short and sweet. Richard and Cleveland kidnapped the two boys, luring them with lollipops and taking them to their white van (although there was nothing predatory going on). The nanny didn't care to notice, still doomscrolling through TikTok. Little did they know, or care, their father (Jamal) was the one who turned 'fake tough guys' in to One Bullet.