Oh, you thought that this was over? That The Art of Making A Mockery Out Of Crime wasn't here to stay?
(laughs but with no humor in voice)
Oh, what a poor naive soul, you are. Because if there's one thing you must learn in life. Dumbasses don't change. Especially not the dumbasses in this novel.
Oh, and if you're scared that these bums are going to find a way to humiliatingly commit more petty crimes, don't worry. They're not gonna commit petty crimes this time (Shit, I rhymed). And of course that's not a good thing.
HOW TO MAKE A MOCKERY OUT OF:
BURGLARY:
Well, firstly, they ended up in a place they should never be in. An actual drug house (meaning they had real hard drugs and not just white sugar and baby powder) with actual felons inside it (that means they had an actual criminal record verified by the police) and they could actually defend themselves (with hands or weapons).
And what exactly were The Re4lDe4l doing to make a mockery out of burglary, you may ask?
Well, to do that, they were using backscratchers, y'know, the ones with a hand on them, to scoop up hard drugs and pour them into their mouths. The catch? The one scoop of drugs someone actually got (Elias) was actually the ashes of someone's dead dogs.
DRUNK DRIVING:
No introduction needed, Cleveland went around driving recklessly in a Little Tikes Cozy Coupe. After drinking 13 bottles of Columbian-cocaine infused beer (The fact he actually recognized a real alcoholic drink is beyond me), he with his sagging khakis got into a Little Tikes Cozy Coupe stolen from an abandoned Toys-R-Us and starting driving in the freeway, never staying in one lane for more than half a second at a time and trying to do a wheelie every 10 seconds for no reason. That singular drive caused the DMV in California to shut down permanently and told people "you can drive as long as you're better at driving than Cleveland Davis III".
FORGERY:
This doesn't deserve any extra content, so I'll just let you know Homeless Man sent a name request change for 'Jose Escobar' (yes, I mean One Bullet) to 'Your Mom Cheeseson' with a slip attached to it reading "Just make this my damn name"
DRUG DISTRIBUTION:
Another "cRiMe" that doesn't deserve context. Bert was caught in 4K trying to crypto-scam YouTube porn bots, y'know, the ones YouTube let run amok in their comment sections, into buying heroin.
AUTO THEFT:
Benjinam tried to "open" a lawnmower using a non-functioning lockpick covered in wet concrete, then tried to run it at lightspeed into a shack headfirst into a 4th grader's Chromebook. A Totally Reliable News Source reporter Jane Doe alleges that the 4th grader caused him to have a panic attack by pointing an umbrella (pretending it was a machine gun) at his head.
STALKING:
Homeless Man decided that it would such a fucking bright idea to follow an expired, dusty box of recalled Cheerios around for 5 hours. Within the first hour, he tried to use ChatGPT-generated pick up lines to make it fall in love with him. (Yes, this mothafucka found a worse way of pulling hoes than the Em Cordona thingy.) The 2nd hour, he tried to undress it (how the fuck do you undress a cereal box) so it would love him. (of course he needs validation from an inanimate object) The 3rd hour, he got pissed because he was too stupid to realize that inanimate objects are incapable of speaking. The 4th, he accused the box of committing infidelity with a half-empty box of a recalled Chinese rip-off of Oreos, despite the fact he never laid even one of his eyes of the box the whole time. (And it would be surprising if the box HADN'T committed infidelity against him at this point) And the 5th hour, he finally came to his senses and left the poor box alone. Seriously, what a fucking virgin loser.
ILLEGAL GAMBLING OPERATIONS:
To make this short for the sake of your sanity (if you still have any), Philip went on a corded landline telephone (of course) and dialed random numbers ChatGPT gave him. (the fact he had the brain capacity to operate ChatGPT is beyond me) Then he dialed said number and parroted this message to any poor naive soul who was forced to know of his existence:
"Give me all your money to play games because I am right and you are not"
Two unfortunate elderly men ended up giving him their expired credit card numbers.
And last but not least... (in the terms of stupidity, of course. Also, no, you don't get to witness a logical crime prior this time):
ARSON:
Jed, y'know, one of the twins who used certain arm farts and sharts to communicate with his equally inbred twin Jeb decided to go to a brick wall, then he wrote the worst battle rap of all time:
Here: (I know you probably don't want it but fuck you, read it anyway)
MY RAP BATTLE (Jed The Real):
I am a candle
This is my rap battle
Nothing in this rap is anything I can handle
This made me rattle
My words travel
You can afford Crackle
But I can't afford Crackle
My dream is to be a castle
But I'm just cattle
I once lost a fight to a paddle
In things I dabble
I hit myself with an apple
I love to have intercourse with the gravel
I got dragged by a grapple
You know that I love zapples
I am a camel
So
Go
No
That will glow
I like blow
You will take a bow
Although
I am better though
Ko
Fo
I'm pro
I wanna be a Sloppy Joe
I once got suffocated by pizza dough
Yo
Whoa
I try to be raw crow
I got burnt by a lantern
You look like a dancer
I look like a pattern
My scatter
I wanna get served on a platter
I don't know who Blackburn
I work at tavern
I live in a cavern
I am complex like Saturn
That turn
Can turn
Patterned
I am the language of Latin
And Manhattan
And baton
And satin
I am so complex, I know the meaning of cat
I wanna be hit with a bat
But you are the opposite as blind as a bat
I look like a rat
I am flat
Not fat
Bars I spat
You are a fact
I am a track
Just like that
In fact
It's a fact
I rhyme with fact
We all rhyme with fact
That's a fact
And you are a fact
That caused the brick wall to set on fire, not because Jed's rap was any good, but out of the sheer will of not wanting to exist in the same air he breathed in anymore.
The arson was so logic-breaking and reason-steamrolling that this event alone caused the LAPD and FBI to go desperado tracking down The Re4lDe4l.
So you can get an idea, here's a conversation between the LAPD chief and the only half-decent FBI agent left.
LAPD Chief(LC): "Sir, y'all can't just let the Re4lDe4l challenge our patience and assault our brains like that. They're bending reality so hard a piece of rubber, probably infected with their severe and incurable braincell loss, went on a social media smear campaign out of sheer jealousy. You're the highest level of authority out there, above us. Y'all gotta do something."
FBI Agent(FA): "Well, I'm sorry to break it to you, sir, but we can't just magically find these criminals. Their aura is enough to make your brain spontaneously combust on its own. Listen, and I mean it, we do want to track them down and put an end to them for the sake of the world, but it's not gonna be as easy of a job as you think it is, even for a level of authority like us."
LC: "Well, you've caught everyone no one else could. You've caught murderers we couldn't, registry offenders we couldn't, terrorists we couldn't, drug dealers we couldn't, and robbers we couldn't, so why exactly is it that this one group is too hard for you."
FA: "It's very simple, Chief, it's a natural reaction to not want to be around people who actively try to make your sanity not want to exist anymore. If you truly need us to put a stop to this people, we can do. But not at the pace you want. It's going to take time to learn how to tolerate the stupidity of these people, and that's just the truth."
LC: "Agent, this is a very serious matter, very serious if you have any regard for intelligence. You can't let this people just... run amok and make a mockery out of the concept of having a brain just because of their own delusion-fueled wet dreams. These people are a danger to our society and that is final."
FA: "If you want these people gone, fine, but don't question how we do it."