Now we fast forward to The Re4lDe4l getting to their new cardboard mansion. (Well, sadly, karma failed to commit 12 simultaneous DUI's and 37 DWIs against these Re4lDe4l bums) Yep, despite the FBI having all the motivation in the world to end this pathetic excuse of a gang once and for all, they barely did shit. I mean, when two of the dumbest people create the dumbest, most pathetic excuse of a group in world history, pull off the most pathetic excuse of an advertising campaign ever, make the FBI go so crazy they followed in the footsteps of those "Free Candy" van drivers, one of their ringleaders performed the dumbest seduction known to man, and the FBI even had the opportunity to destroy them in their own goddamn headquarters, and THIS wasn't fucking enough for the FBI to actually put effort into this. Oh, boy, all of us are so fucked.
However, before the dumbest gang in world history took its new home, they decided to get themselves a new member, that member being that mentally unstable dumbfuck who was supposed to die a few chapters ago and Homeless Man's former fuck buddy, Richard. And for some reason, A Totally Reliable News Source reported that this was apparently Richard's ultimate goal in life. Shit.
Then these bums started making some of the dumbest security measures known to mankind. First, Philip pulled out a broken gym padlock with the number order "1, 11, 21, 31, 2, 45, 69, 76, 345, 54, 64, 56" and penetrated the carboard door of the cardboard mansion with it.
Philip: (proudly announcing) "Now no one can break into our mansion!"
The day this padlock could actually keep intruders out is the day pigs become classified as sea animals. That shit just doesn't make sense.
Then it was Richard's turn. To honor his induction into The Re4lDe4l (more like "dUh WeElLDeElE"), he pulled out some Polaroid cameras and an Elmer's glue stick out of the pockets of his sagging tan khakis and used the glue stick to put the cameras on the mansion, including 2 on the cut-out flower garden in front.
Richard: "BH$EUUE)IJRIIRFUHUIROHI#BDI$OUDHVDYIGFUOFHUBRUIBRUI" (this is how you know he's got mental issues)
Then to try adding the icing on the cake (they failed miserably), Bartholomew (remember that guy who wrote his version of the Bible that was so bullshitted and miserable that the creators of YouVersion Bible had to air a PSA personally attacking him and got the first new Bible verse added in over 2000 years) pulled out a stapler out of nowhere and added three staples to the cardboard mansion (one in a cut-out window, one in the flower garden, and one in the grass for god-knows-why).
Bartholomew: "NOW WE'RE BULLETPROOF"
Yeah, sure buddy, you're definitely "bUlLeTpRoOf", at least according to Temu. (maybe Shein if you're, really, REALLY lucky and also maybe a dark web market site)
And literally the moment these bums got into their little pathetic cardboard mansion, Homeless Man decided it would be a great idea to take out a piss-stained college-lined piece of paper, draw two OnlyFans models on a farm with numerous FDA violations sniffing a block of cheese. Then drew a green line somewhere random and decided it'd be a good idea to announce to this fellow equally braindead dipshit friends he had invented color TV. Philo Farnsworth nearly regretted ever having the idea of inventing TV from his spot in heaven.
Then the group afterward decided to do what could only be described as "setting the evolution of home renovation backwards by a million years". Let me tell you what they did for the rooms.
Living Room: Homeless Man paid a crackhead in white sugar to shoplift 6 anime body pillows from a Shein clothing factory (who nearly pawned 8 of their underage workers for $1) then Homeless Man picked up the body pillows and arranged them into a couch. Richard insisted on putting a certain part on the body pillows for his fantasies. Then Herbert cut off half of a FIsher Price playset and set it up as the table. In came Franklin, who licked the back of Homeless Man's little drawing and stuck it on the wall with the drawing facing the couch. It was basically the design of a living room if two toddlers who only spoke "Mama" and "Dada" were tasked with creating a luxury living room, except for Homeless Man's drawing, of course.
Kitchen: Literally all the appliances were just squares and rectangles drawn on the cardboard. According to A Totally Reliable News Source, while Edgar and Cleveland were doing this, RIchard was dry-humping the cut-out of the "young, hot Latina baddie" advertised on either the Craigslist or GoFundMe ad (I can't remember).
Bathrooms: Every bathroom was made with a bucket to represent the toilet for piss, a kiddie inflatable pool representing the sink (the closest thing to a logical item used for function in the mansion so far), a toy microphone that was supposed to be a showerhead, a literal hole inside the Earth if a member needed to take a dump (none of them believed in the art of basic personal hygiene), and a empty crushed plastic water bottle for the sink. Yep, just as dumb as you thought.
Bedroom: The lamps are a bottle of baby oil (WHAT DUH HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL-), the nightstands are literally cardboard boxes, all the TVs are completely shattered mirrors, and the beds are 4 pegs holding up a glass door. Yeah, I'm starting to get at a loss of words.
Offices: The desks were created "wItH tHe PoWeR oF iMaGiNaTiOn", the chairs are a single cigarette-burned wooden peg, all the computer are Commodore 64s, and only one of them didn't have a screen shoved up the screen.
Basketball Court: Two Tupperware containers and a pebble.
Skating Rink:
1. There were no skates
2. It was just three melted ice bags thrown on the floor.
And last, and most likely least...
Shooting Range: No targets were present, and the only guns were bent sticks.
As we speak about this shithole of moving in, Cleveland thought it would be such a fucking bright idea to fold a piece of blank, white construction paper in half, scrawl a rectangle on one side of the fold and a few poorly drawn squares on the other, and called that shit a "lApToP", and he decided that it would such a good fucking idea to pretend he was on TikTok, Twitter, and malvertising sites to advertise The Re4lDe4l to whatever naive soul might actually think they're so slick or tough joining a mockery to all gangs and similar violent organizations.
However then, Cleveland did something even dumber, not necessarily for the reason and logic remaining in the world, but for the survival of the gang itself. He, by some miracle of God got the error screen from the singular functioning Commodore in the mansion off the screen (it was 'URGENT WARNING: Overheating due to Brainfreeze') and somehow managed to access functioning websites. In short, he decided to advertise The Re4lDe4l (on a site shut down by the government for being 'The Wish.com replica of PornHub') as 'Be on the correct side of history because I said so and join The Re4lDe4l. DM me for locations. Cleveland is the realest member' (He and Tony later had a huge 3rd grade argument about who is realer. Spoiler: The air being forced to occupy their lungs is realer than an octillion of each of them combined)
Now that Cleveland had exposed The Re4lDe4l to the entire world, the FBI now had an opportunity to track their digital footprint and significantly aid them in ending the dumbest excuse of a group ever. Yeah, yeah, I know they failed the raid yada yada yada, but surely, SURELY, SURELYYYY, the highest level of authority known to mankind couldn't and wouldn't fail to defeat the dumbest group of braindead dipshits known to mankind, right? RIGHTTTTTTTTT?