So here we are, Homeless Man now with a chance to actually force respect onto themselves, which would cause the world's collective IQ to go down by 16 if he succeeded. Homeless Man woke up the first day the Academy happy as hell because he had the opportunity for something he never deserved and never will, respect and power. And so Homeless Man showed up to The Academy wearing a tucked in button-up dress shirt like he was cosplaying as a male high school history teacher and sagging khakis (Goddamn it, why did I praise Homeless Man in the last chapter for sagging jeans instead of khakis), fuck-happy (I don't know why, but Homeless Man's New Conscience, the morally bankrupt one claimed Homeless Man was getting horny about the prospect of legally becoming a thug) about having the chance to legally force respect and self-worth upon himself.
Little did he know the people of The Hood could and would do anything it took to keep someone out of their territory if they had no chance of a place there.
So when Jimmy the intern manager had the misfortune of having a reminder that people like Homeless Man existed shoved directly into his face:
Jimmy: "Sorry (that was sarcasm, obviously), but The Academy's closed for the day. Some middle-school overweight wannabe professional League Of Legends player hit his vape in the bathroom, because where else would he, and the vape exploded from overuse. Now Doritos Nacho Cheese-flavored vape juice is flooding half of the urinals, because we don't use toilets here, and the other half were obliterated by the vape explosion. Now get the fuck out of my face before I try to go blind."
Hallelujah, Homeless Man actually started leaving...
Oh wait, he saw thousands of guy going through the back door and followed them.
Goddamn it, this was my chance to see Homeless Man humbled and maybe, just maybe, stop being so fucking delusional, while Tony started to muttered how they "disrespected the realest man ever". God, can he come up with another way to perform self-fellatio. I swear his lifelong goal is to have unprotected butt sex with the world 'real' and have kids with it
Once he got inside, Homeless Man found the reception desk, and walked up to Ms. Stafford, whose day was immediately ruined, which at this point, we all know Homeless Man's existence destroys the happiness of others.
Ms. Stafford: "Room 555 is your homeroom. At the end of homeroom, you will receive your schedule. Now fuck off before I introduce you to the Second Amendment. (flashes Glock at Homeless Man's face)"
And so Homeless Man embarked on his mission to the East Wing in search of Room 555 where he'd be blindly worshipped and sucked off of by everyone, and I mean EVERYONE in the East Wing and get all the semi-attractive girls there too. Ha, bullshit, we all know that would never happen, I was just voicing out the bastard's delusional sanity-obliterating fantasies. But there was one teeny, tiny, little problem for the delusional old fuck. See, The Academy's catalog showed Rooms: #1-1000. But there was one catch. There was a very, very tiny, asterisk so microscopic only one microscope made by The Academy could make it readable, and at the very bottom of the catalog card in even smaller text read "There is one room labeled every number from 1 to 1000 EXCEPT for 555. If you ask why, we will tell you 'none of your business'. Period, we do not care" And Tony didn't see that, but to be fair, no one could have. Only one microscope could read it, and for good reason. That caused him to, for lack of a better phrase, be four hours late to his class. Oh, I have a phrase: preserve Ms. Reynolds' (Homeless Man's homeroom teacher) sanity and will to live to be preserved for 4 additional hours.
Once Homeless Man he had been lied to, he found his class, Room 666 (Why can't be as useless at navigation as he is in having common sense) and immediately set on a mission to ruin Ms. Reynolds' day, and probably the rest of the days she was "gRaCeD" with the bum's presence.
Ms. Reynolds(MSR): "And that is how you commit pump-and-dump crypto schemes using Mistplay- Oh wait, because someone (obviously pointed at Homeless Man) didn't take his dementia pills today, resulting in him not coming to his senses and not staying his sorry bitch ass home (cue visible frustration from Homeless Man), I have to do the stupid attendance again. I pray that this won't take long, or maybe I should pray it'll take a while, because it's one name. Let's see, Toey Steepenson?"
Homeless Man(HM): "You should know my name because I'm the realest man ever, but it's-"
MSR: "Toady Steedenson?"
HM: "No, it's-"
MSR: "Topy Steenveston"
HM: "My name is To-"
HM: "Oh, I got it. It's Tiny Penison"
HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. NOW THAT'S PEAK COMEDY. TRUE COMEDY GOLD. BEST JOKE EVER. HAHHAHAHA, WHAT A FUCKING LOSER, IMAGINE.
I guarantee you that was the reaction of everyone there to witness that legendary moment. Mine included.
Jimmy: "Because that fucking loser, you all should know who I'm referring to, won't come to his senses to drop out, school is dismissed for the day. And to said loser, it's not too late to drop out."
Homeless Man exited school furious as fuck. He knew exactly what Jimmy was trying to do, he was trying to make him leave and force him to accept his fate. But he didn't have time to be a pissy little bitch about it. He still needed food, water, and shelter, just like every other fucking human being. And he needed to find some. And so he looked for those three things, because he wanted to survive. Not to live a life of course, but so he could continue his wet dream of continuing his life of forced respect and power within all gangs in the Hood of Los Angeles.
It would take him 8 hours before he found shit, although I would have preferred 8 days. That's when he knocked on an unsold home and waited for an answer. In a mean time, I have been informed that this unsold house is classified by The Real Estate Business as Garrett-27, because it's on Garrett Blvd. (named after Travis "The Intolerant" Garrett, who killed hundreds of delusional wannabe thugs before he was infected and died of severe brain damage a few hours and Homeless Man's and Richard's reality-bending prison escape. Please tell me Homeless Man didn't infect him, or we are severely fucked as a society), and apparently, Em Cordona (remember that woman I was talking about when Homeless Man had his hissy fit?) had to sell it in two weeks or she, her deadbeat Twitch streaming, Discord moderating husband and three kids from three separate baby daddies (none of them were her husband's, she was praying he would catch her cheating so she could finally get a divorce) would get kicked out of the one-bedroom, one-bathroom apartment they lived in due to numerous poor financial decisions from both adults. More foreshadowing, I suppose-
Cleveland Davis III(CLE): "Hey, you real, bro?"
Homeless Man(HM): "Ye, I'm the realest man ever"
CLE: "Me too, come in (steps aside for Homeless Man to enter)"
And so we get to witness two absolute delusional, idiotic, white, suburban wannabe thugs in the same house. Yippee- (cue get out! by Auxmit)
CLE: "Eh, I know you are, but if you're the realest man ever, why do you need help?"
HM: "Because society is objectively biased, corrupted, manipulated, and brainwashed against true real men."
1. Four bullshit adjectives to prove Homeless Man should seek mental help, and
2. Homeless Bitch, I think YOU'RE the manipulative one for trying to make yourself good to the naive souls in the world when you're anything BUT.
Now onto the brain-eradicating conversation again.
CLE: "So, my name is Cleveland Davis III, grew up in Softown with parents who owned everyone's oxygen."
Just so you know, friends, Softown is notorious for being the only place charted on the American map softer than Suburban Los Angeles.
CLE: "I went to private school, and a lot of people lied that I (makes air quotes for the next three words), bullied, harassed, and abused everyone in the school. Because they kept denying the truth that they were the ones bullying, harassing, and abusing me. They were just trying to play the victim."
Ehh, last I checked, although the sequence of events is true, I think it was YOU who did the bullying, harassing, and abusing, and not to other way around. And same thing with what you were saying about playing victim.
CLE: "Everyone was just insecure, sensitive, weak, and unmanly, and I do not care about publicly admitting this, because the police are too weak are sensitive to arrest me, I-"
(interrupting Tony's train of thoughts) I don't wanna specify it, but let's just say there's two types of assault and it's not physical assault, but I can't go any further in detail, it's making me physically ill.
CLE: "But that's not the point, the point is, I am a real thug, no matter how much people deny it, and I'm the real deal, and I will become the best and realest gang leader ever when everyone stops being in such denial."
That, my friends, is what we call self-projection.
CLE: "It doesn't matter that I'm white, that I'm suburban. Those are just the excuses people make to deny that I am real. I broke into this house, I changed the locks, and now live here for free. I'm thinking... we should start a gang together."
Homeless Man was, and I shit you not, visibly salivating at the prospect of immediately replacing his old fuck buddy Richard with an even dumber version of him, and this time not having any mental health conditions to speculate that he might just be unstable.
And so Homeless Man and Cleveland started giggling like two teenage girls gossiping, except they were talking about "gang plans", which would probably end up either shot to ashes by an actual gang, maybe even an 8-year old with an unloaded BB gun on safety (if they had one), or utterly obliterated and tarnished by The Association, who would stop anything like it become it became an official embarrassment to all gangs and violent groups.
Let's fast forward to the next day. Cleveland's extremely unfortunate next door neighbor, Mr. Chris Fowler is sitting on a chair sipping his expired coffee from a mug with TV infomercials in the background. He was a depressed man in an unhappy marriage because his wife was constantly fucking young men in their beds while supposedly being on "business trips". But Chris could never divorce that bitch (a whore, as some of you may think), because her parents had hitmen. Same reason he married her sorry cheating ass in the first place, with no prenup. Suddenly, Mr. Fowler picks up his phone and he realizes he has audio of Homeless Man's and Cleveland's stupidity. Basically them calling themselves "real" and how they would teach the Hood a "lesson for disrespecting them", then goes to his texts. Enticed by the FBI's offer to kill his wife for him if he helps exterminate "the stupidity that ran away", he sends the audio to an FBI agent.
Meanwhile, an FBI agent is doing pushups at the headquarters because the FBI made him sign a legally binding contract that he would be physically fit at all times.
FBI Staff: "Agent Dawson! You've received intelligence from someone". And that was when the FBI agent dealt with this misfortune of having to listen to the first ever audio that could result in brain damage. But maybe, just maybe this was the best thing that could've happened to mankind. Now maybe, JUST maybe the FBI is enough to finally end Homeless Man's reign of idiocy and delusion once and for all, then watch him defy reality even fucking harder.