After a night eating, sleeping, and surviving, due to the Fake Hood of Los Angeles a lot of exactly what Homeless Man was, delusional, white, suburban wannabe thugs, Tony made a decision. He was going back to the Hood (God, can he die this time, please, I beg of you.). But he wasn't going back to try intimidating anyone, not to try becoming employed, not even to try and learn the ways of the actual thugs, he was going to get... an education? Please God tell me Homeless Man's actually going to try and get educated, because God knows he needs at least fifty.
So you see, on his way back to the Fake Hood of Los Angeles, a flyer flew onto Homeless Man's feet and Homeless Man picked it up. When he finally got to an empty parking lot, he read the flyer, which was an advertisement for The Academy of Illegally Obtained Money, run by the Hood legend "Drax" Louision, declared greatest fraud master to ever live by all countries part of the United Nations. So, The Academy of Illegally Obtained Money was one of the few places of education in either the Fake Hood of Los Angeles or the Hood of Los Angeles. There, almost anyone (Keyword: Almost) could become a thug and get a 10-year renewable license (If you weren't born in the Hood of Los Angeles or was part of an The Association-approved gang, you needed a license to do anything in the Hood of Los Angeles) to live, do business, or attend events (Shit, I rhymed) in the Hood of Los Angeles. The Academy also made hundreds of former students into robbers, fraud masters, and actual thugs (even some formerly classified as 'fake tough guy'). The Academy didn't really teach anything from an actual school, though. But what it did teach was its students how to rob banks, stores, and companies, physically and digitally, how to commit fraud and identity theft, how to embezzle, extort in-person and online, and in the most insanely unstoppable, untraceable, and foolproof ways too. Basically, if Homeless Man somehow got enrolled to the Academy, he could learn how to commit money-related crimes without any chance of failure and repercussions, and he might actually be respected in the Hood (please no).
And so Homeless Man went on his little journey to the Hood of Los Angeles (can he die this time?), on his way to the Academy of Illegally Obtained Money, where he was going to try acting like he wasn't absolutely fucking worthless.
The moment Homeless Man stepped inside the building, anyone watching knew he was absolutely fucked when he was caught existing. Because there were actual thugs in his sight. Then the manager came out. But it wasn't Drax Louision, it was the intern manager.
Homeless Man(HM): "Who the hell are you, where's the damn manager?"
Jimmy(JIM): "I'm Jimmy, the intern manager and Drax's son. And if you care, my father's dead. It involved my gold-digging biological mom who lost all custody of me just last month and alimony disputes. She demanded Drax sign his parental rights to her, too, and pay $1,000,000 to her daily in alimony and child support. But what the fuck is your senile wannabe thug lookin' ass doing here?"
HM: "I came to enroll in The Academy of Illegally Obtained Money. Now where's my damn spot?"
JIM: "I see, you suburban or from the hood?"
Homeless Man was about to say he was from the hood, but his new conscience, the one that was supposed let him be delusional and absolutely fucking retar-(Goddamn it, the guy in the sky that sent me here won't let me finish that word, but I can tell you it's the 80s version of 'sped') actually, ACTUALLY, made him do something morally correct. Oh, God, it's a fucking miracle.
HM: "Suburban."
JIM: "Oh, then, you can't be enrolled here. Hood law states that white, suburban, wannabe thugs can't enroll in The Academy of Illegally Obtained Money. It's in the Fake Tough Guy Exile Act of 1970."
HM: "That's nothing but made up nonsense. You're just trying to keep the realest guy ever from succeeding."
That's about the quadrillionth fucking time Homeless Man called himself "real".
JIM: "Oh, really, dumb bitch? (gets out the Hood of Los Angeles Lawbook to Section 69.42, and points to where the Fake Tough Guy Act of 1970 is documented) Well, here's the Fake Tough Guy Exile Act documented right here, in the Hood of Los Angeles Lawbook. Is it made-up nonsense now?"
HM: "Go kill your-"
JIM: "If you were gonna tell me to go kill myself, shut the fuck up, lil' bitch. You soundin' like an angry 8-year old kid in voice chat after getting eliminated in a Fortnite match, like goddamn!"
HM: "SenileGPT, is there any way around this made-up 'Fake Tough Guy Exile Act' nonsense?"
SenileGPT? The Hood version of ChatGPT, due to the possibility of ChatGPT actually siding with their opps.
SenileGPT: "While the Fake Tough Guy Exile Act is real and not made-up nonsense, although it is based on certain conditions, there is one existing, non-patched loophole to said act."
Jimmy was muttering "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck" under his breath repeatedly now.
SenileGPT: "According to Section 69.420 in the Hood of Los Angeles Lawbook, if a white suburban man or teen wishes to enroll in the Academy of Illegally Obtained Money, he may challenge the manager or intern manager to a fight given that the teen/man wishing to enroll has a prison record."
Homeless Man was smirking smugly now. Finally a technicality in Homeless Man's favor. Why couldn't the technicality not have been in Homeless Man's favor.
SenileGPT: "Though the manager or intern manager may decline, he will then be immediately exiled to Suburban Los Angeles for being 'too soft'."
JIM: "That's bullshit and you know it! It's not SenileGPT for no fucking reason! You can't take any of its words as true! Which means I don't have to waste any of my precious time or energy on your sorry, pathetic ass!"
Ms. Stafford(MS): "Jimmy, SenileGPT was made on Opposite Day, so you're gonna have to fight the old man."
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, NOW HOMELESS BITCH MIGHT HAVE AN ACTUAL CHANCE TO BE WORTH SOMETHING.
SenileGPT: "According to the Fake Tough Guy Exile Act loophole, if the fighter leaves the manager bleeding or scratched, depending on what the challenged person says anywhere, including or excluding the nose depending on what ChatGPT says, the fighter will automatically be enrolled in the AoIOM."
JIM: (to Homeless Man): "Let's go, we'll fight, since that dumb AI thingy wants to fuel your brain-damaging delusions."
SenileGPT: "Hey! I am not a stupid AI thingy-"
JIM: "Shut that fucking asshole you call your mouth you lil' bitch! You don't get to butt into every conversation you want to in real life! Oh wait, you don't live in real life, that's why you're so fucking entitled!"
There's a proper use of the word "entitled". (Homeless Man, take notes)
And so Jimmy and Homeless Man made their way to The Ring, where people would fight so the hundreds of thousands of degenerates spectating without eating food or drinking water for up to a week at a time could ignore their marriage struggles and custody disputes (which, by the way were 1000% their fault for their laziness) for 5 milliseconds.
When Jimmy and Homeless Man got inside The Ring's fighting area and got declared to fight, everyone inside The Ring was happy. Yes, there were happy they could pretend to not be failures at life for a few minutes, but that was only half the reason that were so happy there were people fighting one another. What was the other reason, might you ask? Well, 99.99% of the spectators had a crippling gambling addiction, and all of them had A Gambling App downloaded on their flip phones and iPads (Yeah, there were a few iPad kids there too). And, as a little sidenote, the cost to use A Gambling App was your soul, one of your parents' internal organs, a deceased relative's ashes, and your future kids' rights to eat or drink. And apparently, their addictions were so fucking insane they bet a lot. And by a lot, I mean:
Their parents' retirement fund/savings
Their future childrens' college funds
Their loan shark loans (which were spent on flexing on Twitter and Instagram)
The insurance settlements of at least 26 disabled elderly people.
And no, it wasn't on something as predictable as the sun shined today or people having oxygen for at least 1 millisecond in world history.
It was that Jimmy would send Homeless Man's sorry as to the ER without so much as a scratch. Which sounds like that it would be an objective fact that it would be guaranteed to any sane person, but if you saw any of the shit Homeless Man had a prospect of getting away with the last few chapters, he had the chance to kill Jimmy in record time.
And now the fight was about to start...
Announcer Guy(AG): "Fight starts in three, two, one-"
Jimmy(JIM): "You know what, old bitch?"
He was talking to Homeless Man, by the way
JIM: "You're so fucking pathetic, I bet you couldn't even slightly scratch me. If you do, you're enrolled, but we both know you're too pathetic to ever achieve that, even with all the help humanly possible."
AG: "Zero!"
As soon as Announcer Guy said zero, Homeless Man just walked up to Jimmy.
And slightly scratch him.
Then Jimmy went off on him, and you're about to be described how a real human being fights.
Homeless Man was getting pounded, obliterated, destroyed, and basically all the 432 synonyms for those three words.
But there was one fatal mistake of Jimmy that would be the end of the Hood of Los Angeles, and the end of his self-worth too.
Homeless Man(HM): "I scratched you! I'm in the Academy of Illegally Obtained Money now, lil' bro."
Jimmy(JIM): "Shut the fuck up, you delusional nitwit! You'll never be in the Academy because you're too pathetic for that."
HM: "Nuh-uh"
Announcer Guy: "As much as my sanity wants to kill itself for acknowledging this is happening right now, the old piece of shit did in fact scratch Jimmy, so I guess the old fuck got what he wanted."
Ensue the biggest collective "THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT" in world history, the decibels were so high, a statistician fell asleep after inputting 1% of the numbers in his computer and a man in Turkey filed a noise complaint to the police.
As for the fate of Jimmy, of course they weren't going to let him teach them, that maybe, just maybe, gambling is bad. Cue in the full-strength showering of empty 2-liter beer bottles and any object that could result in violence onto Jimmy, while Homeless Man just stood next to Jimmy, laying down and struck down by a beer bottle every time he tried to get up, smirking smugly like a little bitch.
In fact, Jimmy would've probably died if the FBI hadn't shown up, because half the spectators got publicly executed on live TV in front of little kids. (Yes, the fight had aired live on a kids' network in several daycares and schools while there with tens of thousands of little kids watching, and the Hood had scared the FCC by torching workers' spouses, cars, houses, and kids into not moderating their signals)
And for all we know, Homeless Man could technically, technically, legally exist as the Hood and legally become an 'actual tough guy'. Yeah, we're all fucked as a society. We might as well exterminate all of humanity at this point. We can't prevent backwards-evolution any more.