"What the hell is this thing?"
Inside the 4th Division barracks, a group of medics gathered around a round table, looking at something — or rather, someone — in confusion.
"So, can anyone explain what this thing is supposed to be?"
Captain Unohana Retsu frowned slightly at the sight before her — 11th Division Captain Zaraki Kenpachi was kneeling on the table, butt in the air.
"…And why is there a Zanpakutō sticking out of his rear end?"
Yamada Kiyone, one of the medics, circled behind the table, looked at the sword, furrowed his brows, and instinctively tried to pull it out.
"Ah—"
"Don't move it!"
As the blade slowly slid out, Zaraki let out a gut-wrenching scream that shook the whole room.
"Oh— my apologies."
Being a kind-hearted doctor, Yamada couldn't bear to see his patient suffer, so, in an attempt to "ease the pain," he pushed the sword right back in — this time even deeper. Only the hilt remained visible, while the full meter-long blade disappeared entirely.
"Ahhh~"
Zaraki's moans filled the air, for reasons better left unspoken.
"…So how exactly did this happen?"
Unohana barely restrained her urge to "personally fix" this situation, turning to the 11th Division member who had delivered this mess to her doorstep.
"Apparently Captain Zaraki got into… a little conflict with Captain Shihōin Sōgo of the 2nd Division, and, uh… this was the result."
The 11th Division members could barely keep straight faces, their professionalism the only thing keeping them from bursting into laughter.
Unohana sighed deeply. "Kiyone, I'll leave this to you. Just… heal him. However you must."
She patted Yamada's shoulder gently and immediately left the room — abandoning both her patient and her subordinate to their fate.
"Captain Unohana! Please— don't leave me here!"
Zaraki's desperate cries echoed behind her, but Unohana didn't even glance back. She had officially given up on this generation's Kenpachi.
"Don't worry," Yamada whispered beside Zaraki's ear in a disturbingly gentle tone, "I'll take good care of you."
"AHHHHH!!!"
The medical room was soon filled with unholy screams — all, of course, part of the "treatment process."
Meanwhile, having left behind the disaster he caused, Shihōin Sōgo casually strolled toward the 9th Division barracks.
As captain of the 2nd Division — commander of the Onmitsukidō and head of the Shihōin Clan — he moved through the barracks unchallenged. Every passing shinigami bowed respectfully, both out of rank and out of fear of the power behind his family name.
Even after Yoruichi Shihōin had been branded a traitor by Central 46, the clan's influence had not waned. In fact, Sōgo's appointment as captain only cemented their dominance.
Inside the 9th Division captain's office, two men in captain's haori were deep in conversation.
"It's been quite a while since our days at the Shin'ō Academy. We've both fulfilled our promises, haven't we?"
A towering man nearly three meters tall, wearing a mask over his face — Komamura Sajin — spoke to the dark-skinned man opposite him, whose eyes were covered by a black blindfold.
"I never doubted you, Komamura. A man with conviction like yours is rare indeed."
Tōsen Kaname smiled faintly — but his expression suddenly changed. His sharp senses picked up something outside the door, and his tone turned cautious.
"Who's there?"
The door slid open. A tall man wearing a captain's haori and an eyepatch stepped inside with a disarmingly friendly smile.
"Oh good, both of you are here!"
Sōgo walked in, greeting them cheerfully. "Allow me to introduce myself — I'm Shihōin Sōgo, Captain of the 2nd Division."
"Komamura Sajin, Captain of the 7th Division."
"Tōsen Kaname, Captain of the 9th."
The two replied politely.
"Excellent! We're all newcomers here, aren't we? Perfect time to bond — how about you two give me your autographs?"
Sōgo grinned and pulled out a small notebook — his infamous Captain's Signature Collection.
"Ah… so that's what this is," Tōsen murmured.
The two exchanged knowing glances. The story of Sōgo's signature crusade had already spread across the entire Gotei 13.
"Well, since you already know what this is for, that saves me the explanation. I just need your two signatures to complete the set!"
Komamura opened the notebook curiously and began to read aloud the names inside:
"6th Division Captain Kuchiki Ginrei… 5th Division Captain Aizen Sōsuke…"
Tōsen's expression relaxed slightly upon hearing Aizen's name.
"4th Division Captain Unohana Retsu… 8th Division Captain Kyōraku Shunsui… 13th Division Captain Ukitake Jūshirō… 10th Division Captain Shiba Isshin… 2nd Division Captain Shihōin Sōgo… and finally, 1st Division Captain Yamamoto Genryūsai Shigekuni…"
When Komamura reached the last name, his hesitation vanished completely. He took up the brush and signed without further thought.
"I'm fine with this."
Tōsen followed suit, adding his name right below Komamura's.
"With that, only the 3rd and 12th Division captain seats remain vacant. The rest are all accounted for," Tōsen said, closing the notebook and handing it back.
"Perfect. Thanks — I owe you both one."
Grinning, Sōgo left the 9th Division office, satisfied and humming to himself.
Moments later, he appeared before the 1st Division. Captain-Commander Yamamoto was in the courtyard, watering his plants like a peaceful old man.
"Old man, I've got it! Every signature!"
Yamamoto glanced at the notebook, nodded slowly, and said only one word:
"Approved."
"Finally…" Sōgo sighed with mock exhaustion, wiping imaginary sweat from his brow.
But before he could relax, Yamamoto set down his watering can and said, "Good. Now that you're done, come with me — you'll serve as a test examiner."
"Examiner?" Sōgo frowned.
"Indeed. The current head of the Research and Development Bureau, Kurotsuchi Mayuri, has been recommended for the position of 12th Division Captain."
"Oh, that freak?" Sōgo muttered, scratching his chin. "Yeah, I remember that guy — weird clothes, creepier smile."
"No matter how strange, if he passes the exam, he becomes captain," Yamamoto replied.
Sōgo smirked. "So all he has to do is show he can use Bankai, right? Sounds like a waste of time."
"Rules are rules," the old man said simply.
"Tch. Rules, rules — nothing but old relics," Sōgo muttered, trailing behind him. "One day, I'll change all of them."
Yamamoto didn't argue. In truth, he hoped that day would come.
When they arrived at the examination grounds, Captain Kyōraku Shunsui and his lieutenant, Ise Nanao, were already waiting.
"Well, well. Didn't expect you to show up, Sōgo. Thought you hated boring stuff like this," Kyōraku teased.
"Come now, I'm a man of discipline," Sōgo said with a bright, innocent smile that fooled no one.
Kyōraku chuckled. "So, you managed to get them all signed, huh?"
Sōgo's smile tightened. "And you knew all along but didn't tell me, did you?"
Kyōraku raised his hands in mock surrender. "I thought you already knew~."
"Sure you did…" Sōgo sighed.
"Enough chatter," Yamamoto interrupted. "The candidate is here."
Everyone turned as a figure stepped forward — wearing an unsettling headpiece, his very presence radiating twisted eccentricity.
"Good afternoon, everyone. I am Kurotsuchi Mayuri, Director of the Research and Development Bureau. I hereby nominate myself for the position of Captain of the 12th Division. Pleased to make your acquaintance."
He grinned widely, revealing his yellowed teeth. Even the usually unflappable Sōgo had to fight the urge to shudder.