The Weakest Captain and the Trouble-Seeking Noble
Within the Gotei 13, the Thirteenth Division was widely regarded as the most relaxed. Their main task was purifying Hollows in the World of the Living. Many of their other responsibilities were quietly taken over by other divisions—all because of one well-known fact in Seireitei: Captain Jūshirō Ukitake was a chronically ill man.
Inside the Thirteenth Division barracks, Ukitake lay weakly on a futon spread over the wooden floor, an ice pack resting on his head as his temperature continued to rise.
"Forgive me, Captain Shihōin… I've been having recurring fevers lately. I'm not in great shape, so I can only speak with you like this…"
Lying in bed, Ukitake turned his head toward Sōgo Shihōin, who sat cross-legged at his bedside with a gentle smile.
"No worries, Captain Ukitake. I'm actually here because I need your help."
Sōgo took out a prepared document.
"Do you remember the request I submitted to the Central 46? It's been approved, and all that's left is to gather enough captain signatures. I already have the support of Captains Unohana, Kyōraku, Kuchiki, and Aizen. Counting my own, that makes five. With your signature and Captain Isshin's, I'll have seven—more than half of the Gotei 13. Once that happens, even the Head Captain will have to accept my proposal."
He said this while subtly emphasizing the names Unohana and Kyōraku.
"Kyōraku agreed too? Then I have no reason to refuse."
The moment he heard that his close friend Kyōraku Shunsui had signed, Ukitake's last hesitation vanished. His trust in Shunsui was absolute.
"Of course! Kyōraku agreed without a second thought," Sōgo said with a faint grin. Getting Kyōraku's approval first really was the right call, he thought. With Kyōraku, Unohana, and Ukitake on board, convincing the old man will be easy.
Moments later, Ukitake had signed.
"There you go. All done."
He smiled weakly—just as a voice called out from the door.
"Captain, your tea's ready!"
In walked Kaien Shiba, the Thirteenth's vice-captain, alongside a tall, beautiful woman with long, glossy black hair—an elegant Yamato Nadeshiko.
"Captain! Why are you sitting up again?" Kaien scolded, frowning.
"I'm fine, Kaien. It's rude to stay lying down while the Captain of the Second Division is visiting," Ukitake replied sternly.
"Then why didn't you drink your medicine?" Kaien countered, pointing to the untouched bowl sitting nearby.
"Because… it's… really bitter…" Ukitake muttered weakly.
Kaien's eyebrow twitched.
"You've got to be kidding me, Captain. Are you planning to use your illness as an excuse to retire and let me take your place?"
"N-No! Of course not!" Ukitake panicked, sweating and blushing from the effort.
"Less talking, more medicine! Drink this and rest up—you're staying Captain for another hundred years!" Kaien barked, shoving the bowl into his hands and practically forcing it down his throat.
"Mmph—ugh…"
After a short struggle, Ukitake swallowed every drop, looking utterly defeated.
"Kaien sure has it rough," Sōgo remarked, tucking the signed form away.
"Well, that's part of being a vice-captain," Kaien sighed. "Even feeding the captain medicine counts as work."
Sōgo smirked, glancing at the elegant woman beside Kaien.
"And this lady? Haven't seen her before. Mind introducing us?"
Kaien blushed immediately.
"Ah—this is Mio Imai. She's our Third Seat. An excellent officer."
"Ah, Miss Mio! A pleasure to meet you."
Sōgo smiled knowingly. Kaien's nervous expression said it all. Extending a hand, he added warmly,
"Please, call me Sōgo. No need for formality between future family."
"O-Oh no, Captain Shihōin, you're far too kind!" Mio replied shyly, covering her mouth as her cheeks turned pink.
"No need to be shy," Sōgo said with a wink. "We're all family here."
He glanced at Kaien—who looked both flustered and proud—and grinned.
"Anyway, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone. Don't forget to invite me to the wedding."
"W-We're not—" Mio stammered.
"Of course I'll invite you!" Kaien interrupted, pulling her into his arms without hesitation.
"Heh~ see you, then."
Sōgo chuckled, walking away with a satisfied smile. Behind him, the couple continued their not-so-subtle flirting—completely ignoring Ukitake, who lay there pale and suffering.
"Tsk tsk… poor Ukitake," Sōgo muttered to himself. "Your vice-captain and third seat are dating right in front of you, and you can't even get out of bed. Truly tragic. Weak kidneys aren't a flaw—they're a man's tears."
He sighed dramatically as he made his way toward the Tenth Division.
Trouble at the Tenth Division
Upon arrival, Sōgo spotted a newly recruited Tenth Division officer—a stunning blonde with short hair and a bold uniform, her shihakushō pants cut scandalously short.
"Excuse me, where's your captain?" he asked, half out of curiosity.
The woman frowned, clearly unimpressed.
"Follow me," she said curtly.
Sōgo raised a brow.
"Feisty. I like that."
They first checked the captain's office—empty.
Then the rooftop—nothing.
Then, bafflingly, the garbage station.
"He wouldn't possibly hide in a trash can," Sōgo muttered.
"You'd be surprised," the blonde sighed, prying open a bin with a handkerchief.
Finally, she froze, her face twisting.
"Wait. That bastard didn't go there, did he…?"
"Where?"
"The women's bath."
Before Sōgo could respond, she grabbed his wrist.
"You're blindfolded, right? Fine—come with me!"
Inside the women's bathhouse—
"A little closer… perfect angle… yes, that's the view…"
A man crouched behind a potted plant, grinning lewdly.
"Enjoying the view?" a sultry voice purred behind him.
"Absolutely," he replied without thinking.
"Good. Then tell me—do you find my fist beautiful too?"
"Huh?"
Two pale fists filled his vision—followed by a deafening crack.
"AAAAHHHH!"
His scream echoed through the entire division barracks.
Moments later, in the captain's office, the blonde officer sat fuming in the captain's chair, legs crossed. Across from her knelt a bruised and black-eyed Captain Isshin Shiba, looking thoroughly humiliated.
"Here's the form and pen," Sōgo said, pretending not to notice the scene.
Isshin sighed, signing without hesitation.
"By the way, Sōgo… you didn't see anything today, right?"
"Saw nothing," Sōgo replied flatly.
Ding! — Password accepted.
Isshin smiled in relief and scrawled his name flamboyantly across the page.
Whether he knew what he was signing or not didn't really matter.