You'll always be crazy. You will have to resort into acting like them as long as your stuck around them.
Your body just can't take being a filtered water all the time when they keep pouring dirt into you. So try to forgive yourself.
You're not a bad person.. you're just human. You're not doing anything directly intentionally and selfish, something that is rooted in the intent of robbing someone's personal and legal right, or violating thier ability to thrive directly. ( people will often blame you for their misfortune just because you're going after your own fortune- like blaming you for ruining the whole families reputation just because you wanted to be a singer- and singers are sl*ts in their eyes. So don't be fooled by that bullshit)
You,
Only need to rethink your actions when you're consuming something that's not meant for you. Forcing someone to give you something that belongs to them.
Whether it's their time, clothes, food, or energy. You have no right to force someone to give you something that's not yours. Especially when you never reciprocated their kindness. They have every right to cut you off. So take a step back if you actually care- if you're actually a good person you'd want them to be happy, even if happy meant away from you. If they're the bad person, then Great! You won! Why do you even want then around you? Why would you want someone who you considered selfish and criminal next to you?
I remember being violated by my older sibling.
She'd take my clothes, eat my food, wouldn't let me have anything pink or sing along to my favourite songs just because she's the center and that quality life belongs to her. Crazy right?
Everytime I'd speak up I'd get yelled at and even punished. She's threaten my younger sister to not talk to me and even do stuff like closing the tv on me when I'm watching, bully me, eat my food even more, take away any gift she gave me.
Gifts were a form of control. She'd compensate with gifts all her life but never stops treating me like an animal.
She'd force me to clean when I first come home, wouldn't let me go to the bathroom or change my clothes UNTIL I HAVE ORGANIZED THE ROOM THAT I ALREADY HAD NO RIGHT OVER! I was a living maid. A slave.
I grew tired of her acting nice just to get my stuff at 18years old, so i tried to understand her and get closer to her with healing, hoping she'd realize im human and that i actually had love inside me for her.
I tried to help her.. because if I was gonna get manipulated into giving my stuff, i should atleast have some peace around her.
She'd return my clothes, makeup, accessories or bags damanged, stained, lost or finished. And if I say no or even tell her to be careful next time, she gets defensive and calls me a bicth. She does that to everyone that says no to her. Thats what I meant by eating disorders aren't your excuse if you can't even listen to basic boundaries. You have sanity disorder 😓😮💨
Back to our main topic.
So, If you're not violating someone's privacy, property and standing in the way of their success, then why are you even letting the water determine how good of a fish you are?.
Think about it then tell me what you mean.
There are many ways the water around you forces you into becoming something you're not.
And that water often gets manipulated.
Like that one time my sister got offended about how I got what I've always been dreaming a day after she called me delusional.
She said that I'm too young and naive and the world doesn't work how I want.
Funny enough it worked exactly how I wanted it and a day later😭
I came home a day later and talked to her about to then started bragging "omg- if you wanna be successful you should be as delusional as me because it's clearly working HAHAHAHAH"
A real sister would get annoyed but would feel happy that i actually proved her wrong.
But she got mad "YOU THINK THIS WORLD REVOLVES AROUND YOU? YOU THINK YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE IT YOUR WAY YOUR WAY THAT YOULL GET EVERYTHING YOU WANT? YOUR SO DELUSIONAL YOUR SO SELF CENTERED! NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU!" And she said it with the most angry most disgusting face ever. Her voice gave away all the hate she hid inside, why? Because she's my elder and she worries about me. Because she never had someone older that advices her. That's why she got mad about me getting the opportunity I always wanted after she told me I would never make it and that I'm being stupid. Tell me.. does the reason match the behaviour and words she threw at me? How?😭 how are you gonna claim you want the best for me after telling me I shouldn't be happy about what happened today. You're crazy.
You know how I responded to her after she lashed? "Baby, you're getting emotional now, you need to calm down. And to answer your question, yes, I am self centred- life revolved around me, because this is my life- why shouldn't it revolve around me when I'm not robbing anyone's right? When I'm not standing in your way of making your life about you? Why should my success and delusion bother you if it's not harming you at all? I am the center of my life- not you- not anyone- ME! Why should it be a bad thing that I choose myself? I'm not taking anything away from you. And if you cared you wouldn't be mad about things working out the way I want them. It makes no sense that a simple joke, you once used to tease me with offended you so much" I said it calmly with a lot of eye contact and made sure she understood something inside her got triggered because deep down she wished she did the same things I did. She gave up on her dreams- convinced herself that singing was never her dream and that she wants to stay a dentist and a business woman. Ofcourse my life would trigger her- I stayed solid on my dream even tho I recover 0 support from anyone inside this family. It's crazy how she used to threaten us into supporting her and if we don't clap we get punished. She had all the support! Fake and real. Yet she still gave up. I'd be mad at myself too for being this weak. For being so weak that I made my sister the problem.
After I talked to her she gave me all that "I never had a bigger sister" bullshit. I never did either. You're just a nightmare😭 till this day she tried to squeeze her ass into my life because no one would be as good as me.
I'm way too precious and special to choose you honey. You can pour all the gifts on me but that will no longer manipulate me.
"This is my love language- you never respect!" Sit down- take your love language and shut up😭 why should I even care about a love that only speaks with bags and makeup when in fact it's a control shall- for you to be able to pull the "I love you, I gave you everything! But you still hate me" everytime you do something wrong.
Gifts will never compensate for that rotten heart of yours.
I tried to believe there's good on you- but the way you would go lengths to keep me in your life even if it means calling me crazy and making me feel bad for having any sort of boundaries says otherwise.
Stay away. Seriously, ew.
Bye.😘𐀔𝒮