London, 2015
A fresh start. A new city. A new country. A new school.
I still remember the scent of the crisp September air on my first day of Year 7 in London. It was nothing like home. The accents, the buildings, the uniforms, even the way the students walked through the corridors- it all felt like a world I had only seen in movies.
But somehow... it didn't go as badly as I feared. It was an all-girls secondary school, tucked quietly in the heart of the city. My form teacher spoke a little German, which made my transition easier. She smiled kindly as she introduced me to the class, and for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel out of place- just new.
I was paired with Zahra. She was warm and welcoming, using hand gestures when my English didn't catch up fast enough. She made sure I was never alone. Soon, I met her friends- Samar, Salma and Alexandra.
'We are team Jellyfish'
Samar had declared her high-pitched voice full of excitement. It was silly, but it stuck.
We were different, but it worked... for a while.
Learning English from scratch was like building a house with no tools- only courage. In every conversation, I felt like I was swimming upstream, grasping at words that slipped through my fingers. Everyone around me was fluent, fast, confident. I was slow. Careful. Uncertain.
But I tried.
By the time the year was coming to a close, I had found my rhythm. At least, I thought I had until the day it fell apart.
A sudden fallout between Alexandra, Samar and Salma. I didn't know what triggered it, only it ended with Samar left stranded on the playground and me wiping spit off my face.
'It was after you entered our friendship everything went downhill'
Alexandra snapped.
I stood there, frozen. Not just from what was said- but from how quickly people turn. Still, I stayed beside Samar.
She was upset. Angry. Complaining about how the other two had treated her. I asked gently if she wanted to talk to a teacher, but she refused.
So I opened up too.
I told her how I often felt invisible when the four of us were together. The way I'd try to speak, only to be cut off mid-sentence. Like my thoughts didn't matter. Like I didn't matter.
You know that feeling? When your voice dies in your throat not because you're shy, but because someone decided your voice isn't worth hearing?
It eats you.
'I'm here for you'
I told Samar.
'You're not alone.'
Because I knew what it felt like to be pushed aside. And I couldn't watch it happen to someone else. Not again.
But the next morning at school...
There they were. Samar. Salma. Alexandra.
Laughing. Joking. Whispering.
Like nothing had happened.
They saw me standing in the doorway. Paused for a second. Then looked away.
Just like that- I was the outsider again.
They could have just told me to leave. Could have been honest that my personality was not for them. Instead, they pretended I was never part of it begin with. So was yesterday's events all fake to kick me out?
I would never know.
I took my seat at the front of the class alone. It never bothered me. Afterall, it wasn't something new.
The same loneliness I had tried so hard to outrun was waiting for me again- like a shadow that never left. Maybe this was just my fate: to be the girl on the edge, watching others, build friendships she'd never part of.
Not that school was giving her any rest- but even home offered no comfort. The moment I stepped foot into the UK, expectations weighed heavier than my suitcase. My mother, already tense from starting over in a foreign land, hovered over my studies like a storm cloud. But it was my older cousin, Navin, who made things truly unbearable.
Navin had arrived in the UK on a student visa to study engineering. Nine years older, he was deemed the 'responsible one' - entrusted with guiding my education. But guidance, in his hands, felt more like military command.
Strict, sharp, unforgiving.
I remembered one particular weekend, when my cousins came over for a supposed sleepover- but it turned into an impromptu study session. There was no playing. No laughter. Just books, rules and red pens.
Navin sat in the conservatory like a judge, handing each of them a different maths problem.
'Solve it.'
He said coldly.
Alli's little brother went first. He was the youngest, barely out of primary school and Navin patted his head with approval after barely glancing at his notebook. Then came my turn.
My heart pounded in my chest. My hands were trembling as I clutched my notebook. English was still a mountain I was climbing. These long, wordy maths problems twisted my brain like a knot. I hadn't even been in the UK a full year. How could I possibly understand everything so quickly?
I struggled to understand what the question was even asking. I'd tried my best, really. But I already knew- it wouldn't be enough. Asking for help will only result in more harsh words spoken to me and humiliation.
I stepped forward, Alli just behind me, waiting for her turn. Navin took my book, eyes scanning the steps I'd written.
I watched his face, hoping to see a flicker of understanding. A nod. Something. But instead- his jaw clenched.
And then, the red pen slashed across the page. A loud X, brutal and bold. He didn't speak before throwing the book at my face. The papers fluttered like broken wings, hitting my cheek and messing up my hair.
I froze.
The sting of embarrassment burned more than the hit.
Tears threatened to spill. She blinked fast, clenched her fists tighter- but one tear escaped anyways.
And that's when his words landed like knives.
'How many times do I need to explain such a simple thing to you? You're just stupid. Dumb. What do you even know? Nothing. You can't even think. Use your brain.'
Each syllable stabbed deeper. I tried to block them out, but the echoes carved themselves into my memory.
'Do it again'
The command echoed through the quiet room.
I clutched the clumped paper to my chest and walked away, head low. I passed Alli, who was still waiting for her turn.
I sat down at the dining table, my book clenched in my hands, heart still pounding. My cheeks burned where the corner had hit me, but what stung more was the humiliation. I could still feel Navin's voice echoing in my head- 'You're stupid. Can you even think?'
The dining room was quiet except for the scratch of pencils. I kept my eyes fixed on my workbook, pretending to focus. But my vision blurred. I refused to cry. Not here. Not in front of everyone.
Alli returned from the conservatory after getting her work marked. She gave me a small smile, but before she could say anything, Navin's voice thundered through the house, loud enough for everyone in the dining room to hear- even from where he sat on the conservatory couch, behind the glass window.
'Everyone else can do it! Why can't you? Are you that dense?'
My whole body tensed.
Alli leaned over and whispered gently.
'Are you okay?'
But how could I answer that?
No. I wasn't okay.
No. It wasn't fair.
No. I didn't deserve to be treated like trash just for getting a maths question wrong.
I kept my eyes low, voice tight with fury. I couldn't hold it in anymore. The anger had been swelling in my chest like a balloon ready to burst. I muttered under my breath, loud enough for her but not for him.
'Doesn't give you the right to talk to me like that.'
But Navin saw it. Through the glass. Saw the way my lips moved in disgust.
The door to the conservatory slammed open.
His footsteps were heavy- furious- as he stormed into the dining room.
'What did you just say?'
He barked.
Before I could even react, he shoved me backwards off my chair. My body hit the floor hard. The whole table shook. My workbook slid off the edge.
Alli rushed to my side.
And that was it.
I broke.
I couldn't hold it in anymore- the tears, the rage, the shame, everything came crushing down at once. I covered my face with my hands and sobbed so loudly it felt like the entire house shook with me.
'I want my Appa here!'
I cried.
'I want him right now!'
My mother rushed downstairs, alarmed by the noise. Her hands were still wet from washing and her face twisted into panic as she saw me on the floor, Alli holding me close.
I cried harder. The words spilled out of me over and over like a chant.
'I want to see Appa. I want him to be here. I want Appa right now.'
Because deep down, I knew.
If he were here, none of this would've happened.
He would've never let anyone talk to me that way. Never let anyone lay a hand on me. Not even family. Not even Navin.
My mother crouched beside me, pulled me into her arms looking at Navin with a stern face.
But it wasn't her I wanted.
She took out her phone immediately and dialled my dad.
The screen lit up with his face, and the second I saw him, the tears started all over again. I couldn't even get a word out. I just kept crying.
'Santhyama...' his voice was soft through the speaker, filled with concern.
'Appa will be there in a couple of days, I promise. Just a few more days, Santhyama. Be a good girl till then, okay? You can do this my smart girl.'
Somehow, that helped. That's what I needed to hear. An encouragement. It wasn't hard to say.
Alli stayed close, wrapping her arms around me, wiping the tears trailing down my cheeks. She didn't say anything. She didn't need to. Her presence said it all.
She held me like a sister would- because to her, I wasn't just a cousin. I was family in the truest, rawest form. And in that moment, she didn't let go.
Not even when the tears finally stopped.