I remember locking eyes with you for the first time at Danielle's birthday party. You had ash-blond hair, strong facial features, and discrete hazel eyes. You looked normal; ordinary, but also nice. Just like a symphony, you seemed sweet, collected, and pleasant. The kind of person that fits so perfectly into their surroundings that you eventually forget is there. That was my first impression of you.
My second impression was that you were somewhat sloppy. You laughed carelessly - maybe too carelessly - yet you lowered your head a little from time to time when listening to somebody else speak. I couldn't decide whether you were respectful or submissive - maybe both.
However, It was not until you opened your mouth that understood you spoke with logic and facts. A contrarian at heart, clever, and yet a goof. That's when I decided you were 'interesting', and I mean that as a compliment. Interesting people are, at least for me, hard to come by. That was my third impression of you.
Throughout the night, my attention kept gravitating towards you. I was aware of how fast you invaded my head, but I let you. Little by little, you started to become more than just another nobody to me. I crowned you 'the interesting person at the bar' instead.
"So what do you want to do with your life?" I dared ask. A question so direct you flashed me a curious glance before thinking your answer over. "Uhh. hm." you briefly looked down at your drink while you smiled pensively. I could see you had baggage. You wore it so openly at your sleeves then. In an honest, calm voice, you added "I'm actually not sure yet", and I could tell there was more to that answer. It was as if your eyes were asking me if I also thought there was more to life than just doing something with it. You were evaluating me. Trying to gauge what my reaction would be if you confessed your profession wasn't such a central part of your identity as it was to others. As it was to me. "Right now, I'm an actuary. I think I want to eventually work my way up within the firm, but I'm happy where I am at the moment. I have no rush, and I'm a simple person".
An actuary. Someone who devoted his life to measure risks. A career to be proud of, as it required education, time and determination. Yet you were leading me to understand your career was not a central part of your identity - than you thought there was more to life than just following the crowd - becoming the aggregate of society' incentives. Giving into pressure of who others would like you to be at the expense of person you would like to become. As I said, interesting. I smiled, and you arched your eyebrows indicating curiosity. I understood you couldn't read my expression.
"I return your question," you said skeptically, "what do you want to do with your life?"
Having all your attention on me - all at once - overwhelmed me. I couldn't answer because no answer was good enough for me to speak, and I needed so hard to make a good impression. As a result, I just kept smiling while my mouth moved with every sentence I tried to start, but backed out of. You shot me a sassy look.
"Its not so easy being on the spot now, is it?"
"For me, that question is a lot more complicated than that" I finally managed.
"Okay," you said. "How?"
I didn't answer your question. I didn't want to. I stood up an left you there at the bar wondering if it was something you said. You may have been simple, but I was not. Everything that night felt new - as if I had never been to that bar, met those people, heard those jokes. It almost was as if the the back of my head wasn't aware that it was the third time I had chosen to use my gift to relive that memory.